(disclaimer: When I first strated dating Josh some family members were weary because they were afraid Josh couldn't commit to me the way I deserved. Please keep reading to see how this changes. I just wanted to make sure my family members know this is how I saw things and I realize I was love stuck and oblivious to certain things but this story is my perspective.)
Josh dropped me off at the airport
and we shared in one last kiss. I told
him he proposed to me, as if saying it out loud would help convince me
more. I don’t think it was real to
either of us anymore though. After we
decided not to go to Vegas, the word engaged seemed to drop from our minds and
our lips, placing us back in the safety of boyfriend and girlfriend. We never did talk about whether the proposal
was meant to last past the short lived fantasy so I assumed it didn’t. Josh’s spontaneity had died down and he was
able to see reason and although I dreamt of what that life could have been like
the whole flight home, I knew we had made the right decision.
My parent’s asked how my trip had
went and how my friends were doing to which I replied they were all doing really
well. My trip was over and the holidays
were near, which instead of bringing joy into my heart, brought thoughts of
Josh and our short lived time together. Every
moment I spent I wish I had spent it with Josh.
I know I was distracted and aloof all through my holiday break, but
nothing else could penetrate my thoughts.
I also hit my one year mark from the accident. It was a hard day that my parents knew about,
but chose not to voice. I struggled
internally with emotions that flooded my heart and mind as I asked myself the
same question of why this had to happen to me.
It had been a year of hell as I went through recovery and I knew nothing
I ever went through again would ever be as challenging as that. I locked myself in my room and cried silently
for the three weeks I still did not remember and I cried for the pain I still
felt. I looked through some of the
pictures I carried on my computer, trying to relive and remember who that
person was who lie in the hospital bed bruised and broken. It was weird because I saw myself in that
broken, battered frame and at the same time, I couldn’t recognize the person I
had been. So much had changed and I had
come far, but I was frustrated as I wished to be further along. I wanted to be able to sleep through the night
again without waking up in pain. I
wanted to be able to bend over and pick something up without having to make the
old ladies moans due to the strain on my back.
I wanted my scars to fade and still believed they would fade until they
would be hardly noticeable, but at one year the scars were still very thick and
pink. Josh called and although he didn’t remember what day it was he was
willing to listen as I cried over the same things I had cried over hundreds of
times. He consoled and comforted as he
tried to help me see how far I had come. I hadn’t even realized it was possible
to love Josh more than I had previously, but it seemed to grow with each conversation. He really did know my heart and soul. When I did sit down and talk with my parents
about my feelings and emotions I was more put together emotionally now that I
had cried my eyes dry. While talking
with my parents and my friends I learned some new facts that had never seemed
important enough to mention as well as stories that had gotten lost in the
confusion of the moment. I heard stories
of how my heart rate would go up if no one was holding my hand, and other fun
details that helped fill in a little more of the gaps. I was told that I had woken from sleep one
time mumbling that heaven smelt like a lilac bush after a rain. I had no recollection of such a statement,
but it hit me strongly. What did heaven
smell like? I know I had always loved
the smell of rain, but when or how would I think of a lilac bush? Although it was a simple statement, it stayed
with me as if there were some sort of truth or power behind it. I understood that such a statement was more
than likely the effects of the high doses of morphine, but it was beautiful
none-the-less. Although my memories of
the accidents and even some parts of recovery were lost and blurry, I came to
see the importance of having endured and survived a year. I wish I could say that I lived a fuller life
in that one year because I still had a life to live, but that’s not how it
felt. In fact, I was still fighting
constant pain; however, I had lived a new life this year, a life where I
started over in my personality, in my school, and most importantly, a new start
in love.
I started my new semester refreshed
and ready to go, excited that I was now wearing my brace less and less, feeling
like I was once again a normal person.
Although I still had days I had to stay in bed on the heat pad all day,
I was still able to return to a fairly normal lifestyle. I was diligent in keeping up with my core
exercises and watched what I ate, maintaining a figure I had previously only
dreamed of. I had always been on the
chunky side growing up and had always been horribly self conscious about it,
but now that I had the body I wanted and the man I loved I was living each and
every day as the gift it was. School
continued to be a challenge as I tried to find new ways to cope with my loss of
memory retention. I tried different
styles of studying and studied often, finding a method that helped slightly,
but made me more comfortable knowing I was doing all I could. My subjects were exciting and I continued to
meet new people, establishing friendships and attending social events. I continued to go to doctors and chiropractor
appointments as we worked to heal my back.
It was weird returning to a life without Josh, but I fell into it quickly. Josh and I still talked every night and we
continued to count his days of sobriety, knowing now he was in fact sober and
staying sober. I began to trust him
implicitly and felt like everything was finally falling in place when Josh
started attending church and meeting with the leader to go over his past
problems. Although we were in two
different states, we were now living the same life, the same goals, and sharing
the same love. Excited about the changes
in our relationship when we continued to talk of the seriousness of it, I
decided I had better share my feeling with my mom. My mom, although an angel, was the one who I
feared would always see Josh for the slacker he had been and worried she would
not see what he was now or even what he was becoming. I wanted so badly for her to see who Josh
really was and to acknowledge the changes he had made. I felt most comfortable writing my emotions
down, so I was able to organize and share them fluidly and rigidly, truly
explaining how I felt. I e-mailed my mom
this profession of my love hopping for a reply, maybe acquiesce to the changes
he was making, but I never received anything.
I knew she received it and was happy I had at least shared my heart with
her. I knew she still wouldn’t agree
with my feelings for Josh, but I hoped in time she would come to accept them.
Other people besides my mom still
disapproved of Josh, Russell especially.
Once I returned from my trip to Idaho he made sure to come and see me,
trying to assess what had happened. I
think he knew already, but I told him anyway about how Josh and I had worked
everything out and how I was now, if possible, even more in love with him. Sad to say, but I never talked to Russell
again and I knew I would lose several more friends in the same fashion, but if
that’s what they chose to do, they weren’t friends after all. Plus I still had my best friend, and he
called me diligently every night at nine o’clock.
My new semester was much like my
first and I was excited and re-energized as I immersed myself in what I
loved. Josh and I continued our long
distance relationship with the occasional problem of loneliness and frustration. Other than that, life continued in the future
I had mapped out. Before I knew it
spring break was coming up and Josh and I made plans to see each other
again. I now had some money paid to me
from the accident and I gladly spent some of it for a plane ticket to visit
Josh; I would be out there again mid March.
The weeks and days seemed to creep by as we both counted down for our
reunion. This time I would be flying
into Salt Lake, a four hour trip from his house, but he was excited and happy
to make the drive. My Parents didn’t
ask many questions as I told them of my plans to return to Idaho, so I felt
free to share my time and love with Josh.
The airport was a hassle as I once again struggled with security, but
the flight was on time and uneventful.
The flight from Denver to Salt Lake is a short hour flight and the whole
time I sat restlessly trying to anticipate what this new visit would bring. As I sat there thinking about everything Josh
and I had been through I realized that Josh wasn’t my drug after all. Yes, I still craved him, with every breath I
breathed, but he had become so much more than just something that made me feel
good about myself and who I was. He had
become a staple in my life that helped and uplifted me. He was the one who consoled me when I didn’t
do as well on a test as I wanted and he was the one who supported me when I
told him I wanted to write and he was the one to listen as I cried. As cliché as it sounds, he was my
everything. He was the first thought on
my mind in the morning and the last thought at night and this long distance
thing was killing me because all I wanted and all I imagined was his arms
wrapped around me. I remembered what it
felt like to wake in his arms and to feel the hotness of his lips as they were
pressed up against mine. I remember the
smell of his skin and the texture of his hair.
I could hear his thoughts and feel his feelings and I knew without a
doubt there was nothing that could pull me away from him.
The flight landed and I quickly
grabbed my only bay from the carry on department, rushing and nudging my way
off the crowded plane. I quickly
navigated myself towards luggage and the passenger pick up trying to imagine
how much his looks had changed. Although
it took me a little while, I found him against the wall waving and waiting for
me. He smiled, scooping me up in his
arms and kissing me with a kiss that almost made up for all the time we had
spent apart. He hadn’t changed
much. He came clean shaven, knowing how
much I liked to see his face. His hair
was a little long and waved at the ends as curls tried desperately to form. His build was more muscular as the
construction work continued to work his physique. His blue, green eyes shined brightly and I
knew Josh felt what I was feeling. Our
hearts raced as we embraced again, a tear creeping to my cheek at the joy of
seeing him again. Instantly his presence
gave me a calm my hectic life lacked and I desired nothing more than to cling
to him for the rest of my life. Life was
passing by us though in the crowded terminal and we were brought back to
reality, reminding us of the long drive we had ahead.
Although grudgingly, I relinquished
my hold on him and we got into his car.
It too had not changed. It had
the same smell of earth and fast food and his work clothes still lay on the
back seat. Although I had only been in
this car the trip before, it oddly felt like I was coming home. That ease and familiarity associated with
everything felt good and I soaked it all in, clinging to Josh’s hand as he
drove. We talked about nothing
in-particular, we just felt the closeness of the other, relishing in the fact
we were once again together.
Like last time I was welcomed into
the house with open arms and plenty of hugs and words of love as they expressed
their joy at having me back inside their home.
Josh’s family was conservative like mine, but they were open and
welcoming to all people. That trip I
squirmed through a talk Josh’s dad gave to the both of us on the importance of
abstinence until marriage and his concern for his son’s progress, not wanting
anything to hinder him. We assured him
we were behaving ourselves and were allowed to show our affection in hugs and
kisses comfortably, knowing his parents were excited about our relationship as
well. The next day we actually made it
to my old campus and I enjoyed showing Josh off to my old friends. People welcomed him with open arms commenting
on how perfect we were for each other and admiring his keen sense of humor. It was then that I realized how silly people
were. Many people had issues with Josh
just because they were aware of his past and judged him accordingly, but when
people knew no such thing, he was the perfect catch. This only further fueled my cause to stick
with him and prove to those who knew him of how much he had changed. I knew this wasn’t something that would
happen overnight, but I hoped I could teach others that people can change. I also felt like in a way I could relate to
Josh, although in a very different way.
When people saw my brace they always came to their own conclusions, like
I was incapable or handicap. It’s
amazing to me how quickly people are to judge when it comes to other’s flaws
and shortcomings. I wanted so badly for
the world to see what I saw in him and for the first time, people were starting
to. This also was a reaffirmation for
how much Josh had changed. He had now
been sober for five months and was going strong in his new ways. He was turning into the man I needed and I
wanted him now more than ever (picture 13).
Josh continued our usual routine by
sneaking in and cuddling with me throughout the night. We were both very aware of our choices and
although it was breaking a house rule, we were keeping the important one. Josh and I were inseparable as we shared in
those few days with one another. As
always though, my departure was soon looming over us. Both of us were not ready for that, but I had
school to get back to. We began our long
drive back to Salt Lake early in the morning stopping at the border of Idaho
and Wyoming for a truck stop breakfast of French toast. I
lingered over my meal trying to make this time last. I didn’t want to have to go back to the way
things had been. I wanted Josh to come
back with me and stay forever. I said as
much and Josh’s impulsive nature kicked in, telling me that he wanted to drive
me all the way to Colorado rather than just to the airport in Salt Lake. I told him he was crazy and asked him about
work. He said he would call in
sick. It would take a day to get down
there and a day to get back. I asked him
who he would be staying with when we got to Colorado. He said he had friends down in Aurora, but he
rather stay with me in my dorm room now that my roommate had graduated. I smiled at the thought of sleeping in his
arms all night and must have blushed because a huge smile spread over his
face. I told him nothing was decided and
this was still very foolish, but he continued to talk me into the idea as we
drove. I asked how he would pay for the
trip and said if I paid for the gas on the way down, he would have enough for
the drive home. I contemplated over how
silly this all was. I knew this was Josh
jumping on an idea and going with it despite the consequences. What about my plane ticket, it would be
wasted. Yes, it would but wasn’t it
worth the extra time with him? That
meant I would have to call my parents and explain why they wouldn’t need to
pick me up from the airport. Although
that though scared me as well it wasn’t deterrent enough because as we neared
Salt Lake I knew I wasn’t ready to part with Josh.
We made several stops along the way
so that when I called my parents and told them I missed my flight, I wouldn’t
be lying. I called my dad, knowing he
would probably be a little more open when I told him a friend was driving me
home. He tried to convince me that all I
needed to do was go to the airport and get a later flight, but I assured him
this was easier and we were already on our way.
My dad asked who was driving me and when I answered it was Josh the line
went silent. I could feel the heated
debate in my father’s head and the awkward disapproval over the quiet phone
line. He cautioned me to drive safely
and that he looked forward to seeing me soon.
It hadn’t gone well, but it wasn’t horrible either. Josh’s parents disapproved too, but mostly
because Josh would be missing work.
Other than that they too cautioned us to be careful and told Josh they
expected a speedy return. Once we got
the calls out of the way Josh and I flowed into the comfort of one another as
we soaked in the sun through the car windows talking and listening as we drove
through the baron fields of Wyoming. The
trip was going well and out of nowhere a snow storm hit, reducing us to a
creeping ten miles an hour as we followed a semi. Josh, never having really driven in snow
begged me to take the wheel. I was
actually more comfortable when I was in control of the vehicle and quickly
agreed. We listened to news reports and
found that they had shut the interstate.
Had we been five minutes later we would have been stopped in Laramie. Josh began to panic as several cars began
pulling from the road off onto the side.
We contemplated this option, but realized this would be a silly idea
when we didn’t have any provisions to help us keep warm. We continued to crawl and slide along the
road, trying to differentiate between road and median. I had Josh call my parent’s asking for
weather reports and was told it should pass as soon as we hit the Colorado
border; we now had a goal. The snow however
did not stop once we hit the Wyoming, Colorado border; in fact it didn’t even
so much as slacken and we continued our slow crawl towards my parent’s
house. Since I had driven down to their
house so they could take me to the airport, we realized I would have to head
home first and because of the weather, there was no way we would make it to my
parent’s house just to drive and hour and a half North, once again heading into
the worst of it. Josh called some
friends and arranged for a place to stay, knowing he was not welcome at my
house.
I would like to say that this provided Josh and I the chance to talk,
but the situation was stressful and I focused intently on the slick road. Josh was terrified as he kept running worst
case scenarios through his head, voicing his concern out load. I tried desperately to keep my calm and
before I realized it, traffic was speeding up and the snow was lessening. We both gave a prayer of thanks and continued
to my parent’s house mostly in a dark silence thinking over the experience we
had just encountered, trying to regain some composure. After the stress of the situation left, the
ride ended quickly and before I realized it we were parked at my front
door. Josh opened my door and got my
bag, kissing me goodbye in front of the car.
We made plans for him to meet up with me the next day up in Fort Collins
where he would say goodbye before he had to head home.
I quietly walked into my house, not
wanting to wake anyone, stumbling into my room.
I was frustrated to find my older sister asleep on my bed. While I was staying in the dorms I had given
her permission to sleep in my room as she moved back in with my parents after
an unpleasant divorce. She knew I would
be home today though and I had already arranged for her to sleep on the fold
out couch upstairs in my parent’s study.
Exhausted and still on edge from the drive I nudge her awake, demanding
she leave my bed. She refused and
angrily snapped that I forfeited the right to sleep in my own bed when I
allowed Josh to bring me home. I didn’t
understand her logic and told her as much complaining of my sore back and my
need to sleep, but my pleas were in vain as she kicked and fussed that she was
not leaving. I climbed the stairs and
unfolded the couch laying down on it, feeling the support rods press up
awkwardly and painfully against my sore back.
I was furious. Not only because
my sister was unwilling to see what I was going through, but devastated at the fact
that she validated her behavior towards me because of my ride with Josh. I knew my sister remembered him from High
School and had heard all the negative my parent’s had been speaking, but who
was she to judge me? How could she deny
me my own bed purely out of hate for things she had overheard? She didn’t know Josh, she didn’t even try to
know him and because of my relationship with him I was continually looked down
upon as if I was stupid and naive and didn’t see the monster they all saw. They truly believed he was out to corrupt and
deceive me and nothing I said would change their opinion and I stewed in anger
and frustration as I spent a very painful night alone on a pull out couch,
wishing Josh was thinking of me. It
broke my heart knowing we were still so close and still so far away all at the
same time. Tears erupted from a long
suppressed reservoir and they cleansed my cheek as I slowly fell into a
restless slumber.
