Chapter Fifteen: New information

As soon as we got to Idaho Josh started searching online for job openings in Fort Collins.  We had six months to get a job before our tenants were out of the house, so we had a little leeway to find a job that would fit us.  Unfortunately, this was when the economy crashed and he was not finding any jobs he was qualified for, even with his new CDL license. Although we were worried, we did not fear seeing as Josh had never before had a trouble finding a job.  After the rough time we had in Pennsylvania, it was nice to be around family.  After a couple of weeks, I felt like Josh had paid his penance; he seemed contrite about his mistakes and apologized for the deceit that I was starting to warm towards him again.  I was saying as much to Shawna when she called me and once again she apologized for being the bearer of bad news, but suggested I confront Josh and demand he tell me everything.  I told her I had already done as much and I had not learned anything new.  She suggested I tried again because she wanted to give Josh the opportunity to tell me the truth. 

When I got off the phone my mind was racing with all the worst possible scenarios.  Had he indeed returned to drugs?  Had he cheated on me?  What wasn’t he telling me?  I confronted him and told him that people had been telling me he was still hiding things and that I needed the truth here and now.  If he couldn’t be honest with me then we didn’t have a relationship and he needed to choose what was more important to him.  I waited a couple minutes as I saw his mind processing what I was saying.  He then came clean that besides the drinking and smoking he had been viewing pornography.  Instantly my heart broke.  You see as of late we had been having issues in the bed room that were always explained away as low sex drive and fatigue.  Since this entire time I had been doing everything possible to get pregnant, this was a slap in the face.  To me it seemed as if he was deliberately choosing to not have kids.  Instantly, I was enraged.  The smoking and the drinking and the lying, I could kind of understand considering his past and not wanting to disappoint me, but the porn, that was self serving and selfish and I resented that he would do that to me when I was feeling low already.

Never had I felt so much anger and sadness towards my husband and it broke my heart, making me feel as if I didn’t really know the man I was married to.  Now that we were living in someone else’s house I didn’t feel comfortable sending my husband to the couch to sleep for the night, but for the first time, I didn’t want him in the same bed as me.  I didn’t want him touching me.  I asked him to sleep on the floor, which he did willingly, but I think that act alone awoke us both to the state our relationship was in seeing as before we always took every opportunity to be together and never went to bed upset with the other.  This night was very different though, because I knew this hurt and this anger would last a while as the betrayal ran hot in my veins.

I knew pornography is rampant in our society and many people don’t have an issue with it, but before we were married I confronted Josh on this issue letting him know that there would never be a place for it in our marriage.  Especially when it was replacing me in ways I needed to be fulfilled.  Although I was infuriated with Josh, I couldn’t help but ask why I wasn’t good enough.  Why did he have to turn to the porn?  Was it because I wasn’t good at sex?  After all he was my one and only, maybe I wasn’t any good.  Was it because I had gained so much weight since we had been married?  Was it because I wasn’t what he was attracted to?  After all I hated myself, why shouldn’t my husband hate me too.  I know this logic seems ridiculous, but at the time that’s the state of mind I was in and that was the only explanation that made sense to me. 

My depression continued on as I felt like such a victim throughout my life.  I turned to my greatest source of comfort: my religion and my relationship with the Lord.  Between trying to climb out of my depression and talks with my father in law he helped me see that the pornography was very similar to the other things Josh had been struggling with: they were all addictions.  Josh’s dad helped me see that Josh was feeling depressed himself and exhibited all the signs his other children with bipolar exhibited.  He explained how he had tried to reach out to Josh, but he felt that like before, I was the only one whose forgiveness was important to Josh, and therefore, I was the only one to help him through his hard time.  Although this made me feel like I was actually a valued part of Josh’s life it didn’t seem fair to me either.  Here I had been at a low for months and months, which I had vocalized to him yet I felt he had brushed aside and now I was supposed to help him out of his depression.  How could I do that when I didn’t know how to get out of bed myself some mornings? 

After a couple days of Josh sleeping on the floor I let him know he was welcome to join me in the bed again.  I explained that there was nothing any of us could do to change the past and that I needed to know he was willing to work towards our future.  I let him know I expected complete honestly, as I had never given him a reason to lie to me and that much of this hurt and anger would have been bypassed completely had he only been open and honest with me about what he was struggling with.  I let him know that because I was willing to work towards the future did not mean I was willing to forgive him yet, as that was something he had to earn.  I felt like I was being cheated out of my anger, but I knew focusing on Josh was what would help me forgive him as well as allow me the chance to focus on someone other than myself and although I didn’t realize this would help me out of my depression, ironically enough, that’s exactly what it did.

I found that Josh was indeed in a very negative place and had a lot of self hatred for the mistakes he had made, which only fueled his desire to be more self destructive.  I forced him to communicate with me as I peppered him with questions and tried to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible.  It took a lot of hard work and a strong will to not let my pride and hurt take over.  I did everything I knew how to do to communicate my love and concern until Josh was finally open to seeing what he was doing to himself.  It was at about this point we realized the impossibility of finding a job in Colorado while in Idaho and made plans to move in with some of my relatives so we were close to Ft. Collins in hopes of being able to travel to interviews more easily.  I was able to get a part time job, but it didn’t pay much.  The savings we had in the bank were slowly draining away with every insurance payment or phone payment, etc.  It was hard not to get disheartened again as it felt as if everything was sinking around us.

Josh and I did all that we could to talk and try and fix the rift that had separated us, but it was hard getting past the fact that he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him by engaging in the activities that he did.  It was hard to move forward when I didn’t know if I could trust him and the hurt I felt always seemed to be so raw.  I couldn’t help but flinch, if not physically, mentally every time he touched me making me wonder what it was he was really thinking about. He seemed sincere in wanting to change the habits he had created and he seemed sincere in making me a priority like he once had.  It was a very slow process but we were healing as he reached out to me, showing me with his actions rather than his words that I was important to him.  I couldn’t help but think back on the horrid time I had in Pennsylvania and wonder if maybe the depression was me subconsciously aware of the gap separating us, which put me back in that same self hating negative space I had been in until I found his love.  The made me realize just how much I depended on Josh for my own self-worth which wasn’t fair to him or to me.  I needed to start working on loving myself and I needed to do so without his help; the only problem with that is that I had no idea how to go about making that happen. 

The months passed slowly and despite the countless number of resumes and applications Josh submitted, we weren’t getting any calls back, or the calls back he did receive, it was always the same news: Josh didn’t have enough experience.  I was thankful for all the money we had put into savings, which allowed us to keep our heads above water for the time being, but we were running out of time.  In a matter of a few short months we would no longer have renters, which meant we would once again be responsible for our mortgage.  The stress was eating us up as we tried desperately to find work.

I then became worried when after four consecutive months I still had not had a period and the multiple pregnancy tests I had taken kept coming up negative.  I kept hoping that maybe the tests were wrong, but deep down I had a fear that something was amiss.  It looked like we would have to once again dip into our savings so I could go to the doctor even though we had no insurance.  I was nervous, after all the speculation Josh and I had guessed and assumed that our lack of fertility had to do with him, but this opened my eyes to the reality that we had no idea what was going on and I prayed that we would finally have answers and the prospects of being parents.  After all we had now been trying over a year with no luck, and each month it became harder to stay positive.

After a brief interview and an ultra sounds it was determined that I has PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).  I had no idea what that even meant and I was stunned and at a loss for words as the doctor explained that it was the leading cause in infertility in women.  Basically it meant that my ovaries are covered with cysts.  This changes the hormone balance and makes it very difficult for women to conceive as many women with this diagnosis don’t ovulate.  She went on to explain that I fit a lot of the symptoms including high testosterone, rapid weight gain, depression, and many other symptoms.  She pretty much said that I was a text book example.  I asked her what this all meant.  She replied on a very terse matter that it meant I needed to go on medication to induce a period and then go back on birth control to balance my hormones, I could try and get pregnant after I had regulated, she said I needed to lose weight and recommended I only at 500 calories a day and informed me that although it was not impossible, it was unlikely I would get pregnant.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  It seemed as if life was just throwing me one huge curve ball after another.  My heart broke because all I had ever wanted to be was a mother and now I may not have that opportunity?  What would Josh say or think knowing I most likely couldn’t give him children?  Here we were struggling to fix what had been broken and I would have to drop this bomb.  I hated that this was happening to me.  I already felt broken due to my continued limitations with my back and then the one thing my body should be able to do it was now unable to do!  This just wasn’t fair.  I understood that due to our situation and station in life it was not a good time to have a child at the moment, but to be faced with the knowledge that I would never get that gift made me feel robbed and cheated.  I already struggled with my body limitations and body image that this just made me hate my body, what good had it done me?  Despite all this anger and frustration there was some relief too.  I had fought my weight and depression for as long as I could remember and now there was a valid medical reason as to why that was.  I had always been the chunky one in my family and a lot of times I felt I was looked down on as having no self control or something as my frame always seemed to pudge up despite what I ate or how many sports I participated in.  So although it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, at least I had some answers. 

As soon as I got home I told Josh the news.  I could see the sadness in his eyes as the reality of what I was telling him sunk in but he held me in his arms and whispered over and over that it was okay we would have kids whether I birthed them or not.  I asked him what he meant by that and he reminded me that we had talked about adoption before and he still would love to adopt and he would love to be a father any way we could.  This softened my heart as he gave me hope that despite my body’s short comings, we still had a lot to be hopeful for.  After all the months of holding Josh up, it was nice to let him emotionally support me.  Even though it was yet another trial, this one was bringing us closer together.  It seemed that since we left Fort Collins our lives had been flipped completely upside down, and despite the past I was grateful to have a husband to help me through the nights and days I didn’t think I could face alone.

Josh and I pulled together as the date for taking over our mortgage crept closer.  My mom informed us of a CDL fair going on in Denver where businesses looking for CDL driver would be set up.  We were confident and went down with high hopes, thinking this might be the answer to our prayer and the end of our five months of unemployment.  There were a couple of booths set up as literally thousands of people milled about picking up applications.  It did not take us long to find that we were at a loss.  Seeing as so many people were out of work like we were, businesses were able to be picky and every business we looked into required ten years experience.  Seeing as Josh was only 23 he obviously didn’t qualify.  We were disheartened and as we were leaving Josh took notice of the Army booth set up in the corner.  He went over and asked a couple of questions and we left soon afterwards.  I noticed Josh was unusually quiet as we headed back home and asked him what he was thinking about.  He told me that he felt very strongly that we should look into the Army.  My gut reaction was to reject the idea.  My sister’s first husband had been military and I knew what a difficult life that was and wanted no part of it.  Josh however, had grown up military.  His dad was retired Air Force, so I could see how that would be a possibility for him.  I tried to not be too negative, but dismissed the idea. After all it didn’t seem like a real idea.  I mean, we had a house and a life we were trying to get back in order, what we needed was a stable job, not more chaos.  At least that’s what I thought anyway.

Josh however, had a hard time letting the idea go.  I found him looking up information that night and as the days passed, the more and more I heard about the Army.  Obviously, this was a real proposition to my husband and one I needed to take seriously.  We sat down and talked about it and I let him know that if and I stressed the word if; if we were to join the military I would prefer the Air Force as I knew their deployments were shorter and tended to be known as more family friendly.  Josh agreed that was his first choice as well, but since he only had his GED and no high school diploma he did not qualify.  I hoped that would be the end of the conversation, but he pressed me further as he brought reality to my attention.  We had less than a month before our tenants left, we had been unemployed for over five months and our savings was close to depleted.  After all the time of trying to find a job we were both very aware of the state the economy was in and Josh expressed his need to be able to take care of me and he knew in his heart this is something he could do and would enjoy doing.  I still wasn’t thrilled about the idea, but I was now open to listening.  Josh suggested we talk to a recruiter together so we could get the information we needed.  I agreed that if he was serious about this, then I would support him in visiting the recruiter.  We planned on going the very next day.

Josh was nervous and asked if I would help him pick out his outfit, a rarity within our marriage, which I gladly obliged to.  I was nervous as we drove into town.  My mind was spinning with questions and concerns.  Life had become such a whirlwind and I didn’t know how to keep my feet on the ground.  As we stepped into the recruiter’s office and they saw Josh’s interest they began with a barrage of information and questions.  They were a little skeptical of his past misdemeanor charges, but after Josh scored as high as he did on the practice ASVAB, the test to determine their intelligence in different areas, they let him know they wanted him.  I asked all my questions and voiced all my concerns and by the time we walked out I wasn’t any more comfortable with the idea, but Josh was now determined to make this happen.  We sat down and talked again, but I let him know I didn’t know how I could support him in this when the whole situation made me very uncomfortable.  This wasn’t the life I wanted.  I wanted to live in Colorado.  I wanted to be close to family, I wanted him to have a nine to five job and until we had the opportunity to be parents, I wanted to do graduate school.  If Josh joined the Army, I wouldn’t have any of that. Yet, it was more than just me being unwilling to give up what I wanted, the situation was scary.  I had heard story after story of how after people joined the military they changed and I didn’t want Josh to change.  Despite his short comings, I loved who he was.  I didn’t want to have to go through basic, AIT, and deployments without him.  I had just experienced a life without him and it nearly broke both of us. 

It was also at this point I realized that although I still thought leaving our situation in Pennsylvania was the best option, it was also an attempt to run from our problems and in the Army we would be stuck for eight years.  It took a lot of reflection and although I did not want to be military, I knew in the end Josh was right.  We were running out of options and this fell in our lap and despite all my fears, it felt right.  When I told Josh I was willing to support him in his choice to join the Army, I saw his face light up; there was no mistaking the desire he had to be a soldier.  We began making a list of things that needed to be done, such as putting our house on the market, getting Josh into shape so basic would be more bearable for him, and deciding what we should do with all our household items and myself while he went through basic and AIT.  The whirlwind of our life sped up as we had only a month to complete this before he left for basic.

I was able to go with Josh to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) where he took his APVAB and then met with a counselor to pick his MOS (Military Occupation Specialty), in other words to choose the job he would do for the Army.  Josh was a little nervous about his test but came in proud with the score of 93/100.  Seeing as he only needed 40 to qualify, he was proud of himself and hopeful that he would have more job options open to him with his scores.  I was glad Josh valued my opinion enough to allow me to visit the counselor with him, as this did indeed affect the both of us.  The counselor we had was open and very honest and let Josh know that because of the time of year he was enlisting a lot options were already filled up, but because of his scores he did have more options than many others.  With that being said he began to go over the jobs and security clearances Josh qualified for.  I could tell the information and lists the counselor was dribbling out to Josh was overwhelming him.  After a few questions we determined that out of the list there were only two MOS’ that would challenge Josh’s intelligence: communication security repair or a surgeon.

We asked what the communication security repair entailed and basically it was someone who could repair the high tech radios the Army used for communication.  Mostly it was electrical knowledge.  It would require a medium security clearance and came with a $15,000 bonus.  As soon as he explained the job details, I knew it was a fit for Josh and the bonus would be helpful as we now had very little money to our names.  With the economy the way it was, we didn’t expect to get out of our house what we had put into it, so this seemed like the best and only option.  Josh was excited and chose the 94E (Communication Security Repair).  I watched as Josh was sworn it and although it scared me that we were now contracted for eight years (four years active four year inactive) my heart swelled with pride as I watched my husband salute the flag and make a vow to serve and protect our country.  Who would have thought that my stoner boyfriend would turn into my soldier husband?  He had come so far, despite the small setback, but where was I?

Feedback

I would love some feedback in regards to my story.  Since it is my story, obviously I know all of it, so if I am not describing things enough I really don’t have any idea.  Are there things that you think need more detail?  Less detail?  Do you feel like I am complaining? How could I make the read more enjoyable?  Do you think I need to focus on something more specifically?  Any comments would be helpful.  Please know right now I am not fishing for compliments; I really would like to get this published and I want to make sure everything is at its best.  Chapters 11-13 are new chapters so I am very aware of all the grammatical and wording errors, which I am working on at the moment, but in terms of story please let me know what you would like to know more about.  Thank you all so much for your help!

Chapter Fourteen: Regrets and Mistakes

Our third year of marriage started out in a Best Western.  Josh would get up and leave early for work while I tried to find things to entertain myself while he was gone all day.  As a result most of my time consisted of watching TV or writing seeing as Bentleyville was such a small town their only fast food options were McDonalds and Subway.  Anything else required a forty minute trip into Washington PA.  Never in my life had I been anywhere so secluded.  Growing up in the suburbs of Denver, this lifestyle of living in a place where people have known each other for their whole lives was foreign to me.  I felt like I was at an impasse because for the first time in my life I had absolutely nothing to do.  Now that school was over I felt lost as I had nothing to accomplish.  There wasn’t much hope of getting a job because the only thing that I could do with my degree was to teach, and I wouldn’t be able to get state certified before the school year and there was no desire to drive the forty minutes to Washington for some minimum wage job.  After the first three weeks, I already hated life in Pennsylvania.

We were able to find a really good deal on a duplex in some burrow known as Cokeburg, PA.  The “town” and I use that term loosely, consisted of three streets of houses, a general store that was so old I didn’t trust any of the food they sold and post office.  That’s it.  My parent’s subdivision was bigger than this “town” was.  Our duplex used to be a house that had been split in two.  Our land lord told us how the house was built in 1903 and that the town sits on top of an old mine.  That’s where the town got its name.  The houses were built for the workers in the mine and the runoff from the coal they mines was called coke; hence, Cokeburg.  Almost all of the miners were Italian immigrants, meaning most of Cokeburg is still a mass majority of descendants from that early time.  He went on and on about the quaint charm of the neighborhood, but all I saw was depression.  There were some houses that were literally falling apart and condemned while other houses should have been condemned, yet still housed families.  Our house had been renovated and we were excited to get the deal we got for this spacious two bedroom duplex, but I was less than thrilled with the location.  Cokeburg is literally out in the middle of nowhere.  If I wanted McDonalds, I would have to drive fifteen minutes back to Bentleyville.   There was nowhere to go and nothing to do.  My cell phone didn’t even have reception within my little burrow.  I felt utterly lost and alone. 

When Josh was away at work I felt uneasy.  I had never had trouble being by myself before and honestly I usually cherished the personal time I had, but in that house I felt on edge.  I always had that weird sensation that someone was watching me.  I was terrified to do my laundry in the basement and I chastised myself time and time again for being so silly as I had never been scared of anything, but I couldn’t shake the heaviness I always seemed to feel.  The cats were nice to have as companions, but even their behavior made me weary and uncomfortable as one cat in particular would always puff up and hiss at one particular spot in the basement.  I felt like I was going crazy when I would hear footprint upstairs even though I was the only one home and the cats would be sleeping.  Overall I felt I was always at a high state of awareness and it took its toll on my nerves.  I communicated these fears to Josh, but rather than dispel them, he agreed that he had experienced similar occurrences, which only fueled my agitation.

On top of this heightened anxiety, I had absolutely nothing to do for the first time I could ever remember.  We didn’t have TV or cable, and we didn’t have internet as our main goal to coming to PA was to save up as much money as we could.  So I literally wondered around the empty house all day by myself hoping to find something to capture my attention.  I was blessed that the family that lived in the other half of the house were part of the same company Josh was and on top of that they were also members of the same church we were.  I was soon introduced and this sweet vibrant woman reached out to me with open arms.  You see, all that confidence I had gained in Fort Collins, seemed to evaporate as soon as I left the small comfort zone I had established for myself.   Now that I was here in PA I second guessed everything.  I started getting down on myself because here I was in a house with nothing to do.  I didn’t have many skills to speak of; what was I doing with my life?  I closed off into myself for fear of making a fool of myself to the few people I had met, but Shawna, the sweet woman next door, did not let that hinder her desire to get to know me.  Instantly she made me feel like I was a part of her family.  Seeing as our husbands were often times putting in over a hundred hours a week, we were each other’s family as we turned to each other when in need of comfort or entertainment.

The longer we were in PA the less I saw of my husband.  He would often have to travel out of town for weeks at a time and even when he was in town he worked so many hours he only came home to pass out then wake up and leave again.  I was miserable and felt like I was living all by myself, well and with the invisible eyes that seemed to follow me everywhere.  Overall, the longer I was in PA, the worse my depression got.  Over the last two years I had gained a substantial amount of weight that no matter what I did, never seemed to come off and after eight months of actively trying I still was no closer to conceiving. 

I spent most of my time doing puzzles or crocheting with NPR or classical music on seeing as those were the only stations that seemed to work in Cokeburg.  When I could no longer stand the time by myself I would often walk over to Shawna’s and spent many a day shadowing her and playing with her two little girls.  As the time wore on the though the less and less I wanted to go out even though I hated staying in.  It seemed as if my back took horrible turn for the worse and I spent many a day just lying aimlessly on my heat pad, cursing the state my life was in.  I began writing more frequently and was surprised when I realized many of my thought had darkened and seemed to return me to that very negative space in my head I had been at when I went of the pain killers.  I had similar thoughts of trying to make the pain end and I began to be worried about the state I was in.  When Josh was home I tried to initiate outings hoping this would dispel the horrible funk I was in, but every moment we spent together, just intensified the negative I felt when we were apart, which at this point was very often.  Yet, we were doing exactly what we came to do: we were making lots of money and we were saving it up. 

Shawna was a true friend during this time as she wouldn’t allow me to hole up in my house for days at a time.  She invited me over and was always there to listen as I tried to learn who I was and what was going on with me.  She leant me videos and movies to help pass the time and would come over and do puzzles with me, keeping me company when I was the most alone.  I still don’t think this sweet friend knows just how much she saved my life that year by keeping me active and allowing mw time where I could focus on someone other than myself.

When Josh and I did talk, it never seemed to be about anything substantial, usually it was about how much he now hated his job.  The work out here wasn’t organized and run like the yard in Colorado and he hated the people he worked for and the increasing dangers his job presented.  He hated the hours and he hated the travel, but when I confronted him about quitting, there were always excuses as to why that option wasn’t feasible.  Life ticked away at a horribly slow pace and I struggled to just get through one more day.  It was on one of these eventless, lifeless days that I struggled to find something that I could do that would actually mean something to me.  It was then that I decided I wanted to share my story.  I started off writing about the accident and my recovery, but it soon turned into a love story as I recounted how and why I fell in love with Josh.  I was once again excited about something, but that didn’t last long.  You see, just a few short days after beginning this task I got a call from my husband who had once again been out of town for quite a while.  In a very terse phone conversation he let me know he has been out drinking and then quickly hung up.

I know for most people this is not a big deal at all, but Josh had worked so hard to eliminate all substances from his life that this came as a shock to me.  I instantly went into panic mode as I tried to access where my husband was at to lead him to old habits, mostly because when Josh did drink, it was always more than just a casual drink.  How could I not have seen this?  Was there anything else I did not know?  I felt betrayed because we committed to each other to never partake of harmful or addictive substances and I hated that not only did he do so, but he did so without me.  Without consulting me, or thinking of what that might mean to me.  I was hurt and went over to Shawna’s to try and calm myself of hurt and anger I felt weren’t necessary for the situation.  As I opened up my heart to herm I could see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes that I only assumed was her concern for me.  As I finished my little tirade she apologized over and over because she had know for a long time and threatened Josh that he needed to tell me or she would.  It seems as though my husband had been smoking and drinking for months and the whole time I had been unaware. 

The betrayal and hurt deepened as he had kept these things secretive and hidden from me.  I didn’t think it was fair that despite all my difficulties I had at least been honest about all of them with him and in return I find out about his habits from my friend?  Once again I worried that maybe these habits had escalated past what people were aware.  My mind automatically jumped to the worst possibilities.  Seeing as Josh and I had both spiraled downhill since our move I felt like we needed to get out of this situation.  There was no point in staying on in a job he hated and which required him to travel when I did not trust my husband’s weaknesses and why should I stay in a empty house by myself when it was only feeing into negative emotions.  I decided I was going to drive the five hours to Williamsport where the job site was located and insist Josh quit.  I didn’t care about having another job lined up or the fact that we still had renters in our house; I knew with all of my heart that we needed out of Pennsylvania. 

How had our perfect life gone so awry?  My mind raced a mile a minute as I drove the unfamiliar highways to go and pick up my husband.  What if he refused to quit?  What if I had to go search for him in some bar in a city I didn’t know?  What would I even say to him?  Did he even care how this was affecting me?  How could he lie to me, by hiding all of this?  Did he not respect me enough to tell me?  Did he not trust me enough?  All these questions spiraled around and around in my head until I was pulling up in front of the hotel he was staying in.  He didn’t see me park and he didn’t see me approaching him and his friend as they worked on a cigarette.  I thought he would be shocked and ashamed when he saw me; instead he was surprised, but wrapped me in a hug.  I told him I needed to talk to him in private so we walked outside of earshot of his coworker.  I let Josh know that I was not happy with him, I was not happy with myself and we both hated it here in PA.  I let him know that I had come to collect him and asked who he needed to talk to in order to quit so I could take him home.  He didn’t argue as I had anticipated he would he just told me to follow him.  We went to his room and collected his things and happened to run into his boss in the hallway where he apologized, but let his boss know this was his last day.  We walked to the car and started our long drive back to Cokeburg. 

It was during this drive that I expressed all my concerns and hurt feelings.  I remembered incidents of how I had smelt smoke on him and confronted him about it, but he had always explained it away as being in a van full of people smoking. I addressed the deception, the lying, the hiding, and the overall way I felt that he was pulling away from me.  Why would he lie and push me away when never before have I been judgmental of his choices?  He explained how he had been having a lot of highs and lows and he always felt the lowest when he was away on his out of town trips.  It was during these lows that it was more alluring to return to what he felt was always a part of him: his old habits.  Although this time he reassured me it was only drinking and cigarettes, nothing more.  Although I was hurt I tried to be as calm and level headed about all of this as I could be, but I felt as if my husband was regretting his choice to clean up his life; he was regretting choosing me.  I didn’t understand any of this.  I felt that out of everything in life our relationship was the one thing I could always trust; it was the one thing that had always stood true, so why risk it by lying to me?

I tried to continue our conversation, but Josh was already half asleep as we climbed the stairs to our room.  He was out in a matter of minutes while I lay there next to him feeling rejected because my husband lied to me.  He was pushing me away and the depression that still gripped my heart made me feel weak and worthless and despite his actions, I was taking the blame for his choices.  I made him drink because I wanted him to keep this job that made us so much money, and it was the job that stressed him to that point.  It was my fault he lied to me because obviously he didn’t feel he could open up to me.  I was feeling anger and resentment at him and myself and for the first time in our married life, I chose to sleep in another bed than the one my husband was in.

The next morning we began making plans as to what we should do with our lives now that we had no job.  Josh found someone who had recently joined the company who was willing to take over our lease and adopt the cats from us as we were unable to take them with us as we housed with other people.  Josh’s parents let us know we were welcome to stay with them while we looked for a job; my parents had offered the same thing, but with everything I had just found out about Josh, I didn’t think it was a good idea to move in with my parents while I felt discord with my husband.  We started packing things up and within a week we were on the road back west.

Just me being me

So either I am in a slump, feeling low, or both because as of right now I have no inspiration to work on my story.  Maybe because my husband still hasn’t read everything I have posted and if I want anyone to read it, it is him.  Maybe it is because I am on a chapter that is bringing back emotions that I rather not relive.  Maybe it’s just because I rely too much on other people’s reinforcement that I don’t have the drive I need to chug through and do this myself. 

              After writing that last paragraph I laughed as I realized that once again I am trying to analyze myself (which is a very common thing for me), which I attribute to my mother.  You see my mother is a psychologist.  Because of her background she always taught us to always be aware of our emotions and that of others so that we could understand why we do what we do.  Also, by knowing where we are, we can better communicate our needs, hurt, desire, etc to others.  My mom had certain catch phrases to drill these lessons into our head, and I remember cringing every time I heard the same thing over and over.  That is until I hit adulthood and somehow I found myself capable of expressing myself better than my peers.  I found communication an easy task as I had been taught the tools my whole life.  I found that these annoying catch phrases actually taught me to be a very capable human being. 

              I am so very grateful for these lessons my mother taught me as I now find myself best through my writing, and although my mom never gave me writing lessons, she is the one who taught me to be open and okay with myself.  However, on nights like tonight where my thoughts and emotions spin in a gyre until they reach a point of climax; these lessons only seem to intensify the storm as I sit here reflecting on minute things that make no difference.  I know, I am getting cryptic again, so let’s just say despite all this verbal vomit, my goal is to have chapter fourteen finished by Wednesday.  Hope to see your comments when I post then J

Rejection

I don’t take rejection easily.  I don’t many people who do, well other than those people always trying to sell satellite service in Wal-Mart.  I feel more often than not , I take things as rejection that were not intended to be a rejection, but if that’s how I feel, does it belittle those emotions?  I guess I am being a little cryptic, so let me give an example.  As you all know Josh and I are struggling with our marriage as Josh struggles to decide who he is, who he wants to be and overall what he wants in his life.  Josh suffers from post traumatic stress and severe depression which gives him a lot of highs and lows.  I have pretty much come to expect my position on his priority list to be low during these lows as he is self absorbed and self destructive.  Due to my low statues during these periods I feel I deserve to take some sort of priority when he is doing better, and when that isn’t the case, it is very hard not to take it personally.  Due to the medication Josh is on we are not intimate often, and when we are I feel like it exposes the raw emotions, that I am learning to deal with as best I can to start working on forgiveness as I wait until Josh is in a stable place to work through them.  I think a large part of the raw emotions during intimacy is the vulnerability that you allow yourself to become while opening up to your partner.  This morning was once such instance for us, but we were cut short by the alarm clock.  Of course I can accept this as my husband goes to work to provide for our family.  However, after getting up myself this morning I noticed that my husband had been playing his video games before he left for work.  This is where I felt utterly rejected.  After the intimacy we shared, that was cut short why did he not chose to come and cuddle or talk with me?  Why was it that once again something else took priority?  I know this was not intended to be a rejection, but isn’t that what it was?  Of course when he returned home I brought it to his attention and told him how it made me feel and he apologized, but how many times do we have to repeat similar situations before he actually realizes what it is he is doing to me.  It’s getting hard because it is to the point where every time I feel rejected I have a desire to pull away myself and I am trying to fight that urge with everything I have because at the moment I feel like I am the only one holding this family and this relationship together; so I guess the question is: how do I get past the rejection?

Jason Mraz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-qChO3xa4U&feature=share


I think the lyrics to this, say it all.  i will let it talk for me today :)

My own punishment

Tears cascade and fade away,

But the hurt burns inside awake.

The swollen eyes pink from tears,

Never show the hurt that stretches for years.

The words I say slip from my lips-

But inside my heart they keep their grip.

The flush on my check will lighten,

Yet me soul will not brighten.

All this you do, but only half you see,

Unwilling to know that slowly, your killing me.

How many times must I repeat-

The same slow words that cause cheek.

Whether you ignore or fail to understand

Because of it, I see you as less of a man.

You treat me with disrespect

And holding onto the internal, I regret

For I am no better than you to the abuse I make

My own little punishment I force myself to take.