Chapter
Eleven: A Day Come True
When I returned home things were
awkward; at lest they were for me. I
began telling family and friends that I was engaged and when we planned on
being married. Everyone I knew was
shocked and surprised. In fact there
were several rather blunt individuals who asked me if I was getting married
because I was pregnant. I assured
everyone that was not the case, but after that it seemed people would speak
their mind and then walk on egg shells around the issue. I know that I am to blame for that with my
hasty retreat to Idaho, but it seemed to further fuel the idea that my wedding
was some tragedy not to be discussed.
Soon after I returned home my dad
sat me down and said that while he did not agree with my choice to marry he
wanted to support me and asked what I needed help with. I admitted that I really had no idea and
together we sat down and made out a calendar of events and a timeline by which
to get things done. I began viewing
apartments up in Fort Collins where I was attending school and where Josh and I
would be living after marriage. My dad
and I discussed health insurance and bank accounts and we both agreed that
since Josh wouldn’t have a job right away it would be best to keep my maiden
name until the end of the year so that I had insurance and a separate bank
account to ease the worries of those so concerned for my well being. Once I had my timeline worked out, the
possibility of life married to Josh seemed doable and I was nervous with
excitement for this new life I was mapping out.
My mom offered to take me dress
shopping which I was very grateful for since I had very little knowledge about
shape designs and body types. Although
there was still a lot of tension I could tell my family was making an effort
and that’s all I wanted from them. It
was a comfort having my mom help me and comment on each dress I tried on until
I found one that fit my budget and was ready to wear since the wedding was just
a short time away. It was beautifully
beaded in the corset with a long billowy skirt.
In it, I felt like a queen. I
went and ordered a bouquet of Iris’ and white roses with a friend and even
found the perfect apartment that would let us move in as soon as our honeymoon
was over at a very agreeable rent.
Things were falling into place as the bishop agreed to officiate over
the service and my sisters volunteered to do the music as well as my hair and
makeup.
The month until my wedding dragged
on and flew by all at the same time as my life became a whirlwind of
opportunities. I couldn’t help but
reflect on who I had been when I met josh and I couldn’t help but be proud as I
tracked his progress over the last year and a half. We had both struggled to regain control of our
lives and the fight was exhausting, but I felt like I got through it because of
his companionship and I considered myself nothing short of blessed as we
embarked on being united legally as husband and wife after our long hard
journeys. I looked forward to being a
wife; to be able to care for and confide in my best friend. I looked forward to the no longer waking up
alone wondering if love was a myth. I
looked forward to starting a new chapter of my life as I left single college
student and entered into womanhood and marriage. I guess I viewed my marriage as a coming of
age milestone as I would now be so much more than just myself. After the ups
and downs we had endured I couldn’t help but reflect on how we had originally
predicted this as our goal even in those first few days of our relationship and
the progression seemed nothing less than meant to be. I compared the feeling I had for Josh then to
the feeling I had for him now and I couldn’t believe how much our love had
grown; it was a validation for me that even though we hadn’t had the courtship
either one of us would have wanted, it was exactly what we needed to get to
this point.
The day got closer and Josh and I
decided to forgo any sort of get together after the ceremony and planned on
leaving right after we were pronounced husband and wife to head up to Estes
Park where we would celebrate our honeymoon.
I found a box of decorations in the crawl space left over from my
sister’s marriage and decided to use what little was in there and call it good,
after all I could care less about how things looked as long as in the end Josh
and I were finally husband and wife. Although I wasn’t overly concerned with how
things looked, it was nice knowing I had at least one box of fake flours and embellishment
to help pronounce the importance of our special day.
Josh and I met at the church an
hour before the service was supposed to start and we decorated the little room
with what we had. We decorated the
chairs we would be sitting in and set up the bouquet and flower assortment I had
purchased or purple iris’ and white roses.
Before long, it was time to go get dressed into our wedding regalia. My
heart jumped into my throat as I self consciously stepped out of the bathroom
and looked for Josh. When I saw him
there was a moment, and I knew this was all I would ever want: this man beside
me for the rest of my life. His tux was
nothing less than flattering and I could tell he felt good in his finery. It was a pure pleasure to see his eyes light
up and warm as he viewed me in my entire splendor. He came up and embraced me with a smile
reaching from ear to ear and I knew Josh was feeling the same things I was:
contentment, joy, excitement, pride and most of all, love. We parted only to begin greeting the few
guests we had invited to our special day.
Once the ceremony started I knew
this was one of the happiest moments of my life and despite the hardships we
had to go through to get to this moment, it all seemed worth it as we stood
looking into each other’s eyes as we anxiously awaited to say I do. Tears began to mist at my eyes and this time
it wasn’t because of pain or sorrow, I finally got to experience tears of pure
joy and it touched my heart to the very center to see the same tears swelling
in Josh’s eyes as well. When we finally presented as man and wife my elation
was indescribable. We shook hands with
our guests and cleaned up the decorations before we changed and headed to Estes
for our Honeymoon. On July 29, 2006 I
was married to my best friend; I was happy and I was starting a new adventure
in life.
Our three days in Estes passed
quickly and we took pleasure in calling each other spouse, husband or wife
every chance we got. I know that to many
people marriage is a certificate that makes things legal, but with my beliefs
it felt as if I was righting a wrong. When Josh and I were intimate as a
married couple it was a totally different experience for me as I no longer felt
the guilt that weighed so heavy on my heart.
It was more than just passion or experience; it was a joining that was
pure and communicative. Although I felt
remorse for losing my virginity early, I was proud to give my husband the gift
of knowing he was the only one I had ever desired to be with and that I had
saved myself for him. We began our
married life exploring things together as we went horseback riding and site
seeing, playing the role of tourist in love. There was such comfort in knowing
that after our time in Estes we no longer had to say goodbyes, but would be by
each other’s side for the rest of our lives.
Although we knew things were still
rocky with relations, we decided we would make sure and communicate openly with
each other, to always be honest, and to make an effort to mend relationships
that had been strained while keeping each other as our priority as we began our
life together. I was so happy and giddy
and even though I was sad our short honeymoon was coming to an end, I was
excited to move into my first apartment as a wife.
Chapter
Twelve: First Year of Marriage
I know for many the first year of
marriage is one of the most difficult as the new couple strives to acclimate to
the new person in their schedule and environment. For us though, it was the opposite. Having only lived with female roommates
before I thought I would struggle sharing my space with a male, but the
transition was effortless. It helped
that our long distance relationship had allowed us the time to discuss
everything from standards of cleanliness to OCD habits, leaving us with very
few surprises. We lived in a quaint one
bedroom apartment just off of campus, allowing me to walk to my classes while
Josh drove to his work at a furniture store.
My parent’s wedding gift to us was my childhood furniture as well as
their previous living room furniture and a dining table, which saved us a lot
of money as we started out. We set up a
budget and planned our lunches and dinners around each others schedule, always
making sure we spent as much time as we could with each other. We were very co-dependent and spent every
second we could with the other as it seemed we just couldn’t get enough of each
other. All I felt was the love I had for
Josh, so I spent every second I could relishing in the happy feelings I got as
we sat side by side and passed newlywed kisses between our lips. I threw myself full force into our love and
our relationship, doing everything I could to make my new husband happy because
that made me happy and I was delighted to see that Josh was doing the exact
same thing.
In short, life was bliss. I watched Josh play the computer games that
were important to him and in return he would accompany me to my study groups,
helping quiz us as he met and interacted with my friends. It was a dream come true having him be by my
side as we supported and were a part of each other’s lives. We truly became one as we supported and
helped stretch the other to grow. Josh’s
spontaneity was the solution to my over organized, stressful life and for the
first time I felt a balance I had never had before. My stress headaches vanished and school wasn’t
as laborious as it had been the year before. For the first time in my life I was
spontaneous and carefree, planning life only around school and spending all my
free time with my new husband. It seems
like a weird thing, but I grew in confidence as I felt like I had my life in order
and mapped out in front of me. I took
pleasure in my school work and was even asked to tutor ESL (English as a second
language) students from South Korea, which became a profitable part time job,
which pushed my skills as I learned to prepare lesson plans and work with a
variety of kids one on one. I felt like I
was coming into myself as I discovered skills I had, that I had been unaware of
before. I felt that in just a couple of
months I had hit adulthood and I loved the way we ran our household and
accounts. I took pride in my schoolwork
and job and most of all I was still head over heels in love with my husband as
his kisses and touch still sent my stomach aflutter with butterflies.
Josh
made me feel comfortable with myself and my body, as I had always been so self conscious
before it allowed me the safety to try new things. To dress up in new ways, dye my hair and
overall realize that I didn’t have to please the world, I only had to please
myself and my husband and since Josh set no form of standard I knew I could be
myself and be accepted and loved. What a
comfort it was for me crawling into bed every night knowing that the man I laid
next to loved me no matter what I felt like or looked like because what he
really wanted was me: all of me.
My life was work, school, church
and lots of play and looking back I would say that was the best year of my life
as the responsibilities were low and Josh and I continued to grow our love for
one another. I never knew one could feel
so attached and connected to another being as I learned to be with my husband
that year. Together we worked on
ourselves and our relationship. We tried
to make it a point to hang out with my family at least once a month to give
them the opportunity to finally get to know Josh and although things still
seemed a little forced and strained it was nice being able to be with my
husband and family without feeling like I had to choose one or the other.
During this year I got to know my
husband better as I saw the days he struggled when he would wake up agitated
and reclusive and upon prying, would find that those days he mentally fought
the temptations of his past that he could still experience with his senses
through memory. I learned of the difficulty
he had in not letting those sensations or temptations take him over. Although I knew these days were tough on him,
I was so proud that in just a year he had gone from the drug taking lost boy to
a husband and a man who refused even alcohol or cigarettes, wishing to rid his
life of all addictive substances. Although
these days were hard, they made me fall in love with my husband more as I saw
him consciously fight for the life he wanted.
It was fun watching ourselves as we
fell into our respective roles and responsibilities as we let our strengths
guide our household upkeep. We cooked
together, did chores together, read together and at the end of most days we
made love together and for the first time in my life I felt like I was an
adult, like I was a person of value and that I had the greatest gift on Earth:
my husband. He was a great husband
too. He would go out of his way to
encourage me to get the things I desired despite my intense frugality. He would support me in all my classes and
goals, encouraging me and validating me every step of the way. He treated me like the queen he said I was,
as I reveled in it. Like a caterpillar
gathering its strength in the cocoon for its first flight, I felt like I
finally had spread my wings.
Once the New Year hit and Josh had
a stable job and had put me on insurance I was ecstatic to finally become Mrs.
Cherish Borland. Although it was a
hassle to change my name, it was worth it to have the name tie me to the man I
was so proud of. It was just one more
thing that made me feel closer to my husband.
Josh and I found couple friends and
became social, going out around town and to functions held at the school. We were living life and we were both
blissfully happy. When the year lease on
our apartment was coming up we were debating on whether we should renew our
lease or not and kept debating back and forth since we knew the rent would be
rising. As we were trying to decide, our
apartment began flooding with sewer water from a clog in the city pipes. We were blessed that very little was damaged
as we did not have the foresight to have renters insurance and although it was
a pain to go through our items and move things around so that all the carpet
could be replaced, it was an answer to our debate. We began looking for other places to rent,
but some friends of ours were talking about buying a house and Josh and I both
felt impressed to look into the idea of home ownership.
What started as mere curiosity
became a whirlwind of activity as we began viewing homes and talking with a
broker to see what we could afford. It
was surreal to me that only after a year of marriage we were buying a
house. Why not though? We didn’t plan on moving anywhere because
Josh and I loved Fort Collins and I still had a year of school left, so to me
it felt like a smart investment so we were paying towards equity rather than
some landlord. We were very aware of
what we could afford monthly as our mortgage and were a little disheartened at
first by many of our prospects. However,
it wasn’t long before we found a house that was perfect for us. It was a house that had been foreclosed that
needed a little loving care, but we knew we could make this house a home. It was a bi-level house with two bedrooms a
bath, kitchen and living/dining room upstairs and an unfinished basement with
another two bedrooms, bath and a large room that would be perfect for a
children’s play room. It was a house we
could grow into and I could see us living here for a very long time. Josh and I both felt like this was the right
things to do, so we made an offer and it was accepted. We closed on the house just a week before our
first anniversary. In our first year of
marriage I had completed another year of school, Josh had found a job he
enjoyed and we had purchased our first home.
Life was good and I just assumed it would always be that way.
