A Short Dream

 I am out in some farm field, kind of close to the main house and I am looking down on myself and three other buildings beside the mail house, like a barn, a tool shed, etc.  All the sudden there are incoming rockets and I know I will be safe if I stay where I am and I watch as all the building but the house I am next to collapse, explode and catch fire.  Then I am talking to my dad/Josh who are the same person put together somehow talking about the war and how we need to leave for our own safety.  The next thing I know I am surfing some sort of wave, watching as it curls over me and I am in the tunnel before it crashes over me, and the next thing I know I am back in the same farm field telling my dad/Josh how I survived a tsunami and how we should stay here in the field as it is now some sort of safe haven.

Day One!

 

 

Okay, so as you know today is day one of the last year of my life challenge.  I figured I would start off with some pictures.  To be honest, I am disgusted with the way I look (even semi dressed up), but then again that is the whole point of this challenge.  I can only hope it goes up from here. Here is a short list of things I would like to accomplish this year:

Start my own Bunco group

lose weight (short term 20 lbs...long term 40 lbs)

continue to read my scriptures daily

be more confident in myself despite my circumstances

 

 

The first day to the last year of my life

OK, so I know it has been a while since I posted.  I am in fact, still alive.  A lot of why I have not been posting is due to the fact that essentially, everything is still the same and I am sure everyone, including myself, were getting sick of the same type of negative blog.  So I have taken a step back and am reinventing myself.  Starting Monday July 8^th, I will be starting the last year of my life challenge by Clint Arthur.  If you have never heard of this, then I suggest looking it up or follow along with me through my experience.  Basically I will be living this next year as if it were my last (within reason of course as I am the type of person to blow all my money and go travel the world or something).  There are a couple on concept that although common sense, I have never done as for me it seemed too difficult, or there were other things in my life to take precedence.  However, this next year will be about me.  For starters, and this one will be a challenge for me, I am to dress everyday as if I were going to a job interview.  Well I am a mom to two very young kids and have self esteem issues that prevent me from spending money on an outfit when I know I will still dislike the way I look, that typically my uniform includes a pair of comfy (and ill looking) pair of shorts, a baggy T-shirt, and a bun.  However, starting Monday this uniform will change.

I have also set the goal, not to work out every day, but to walk and be active; hopefully by the end of the year I will be “working out” on a day to day basis.  Note: the goal is not to lose weight, but to be healthy.  I want to also try and make a goal of taking a picture once a month to see if there is a noticeable change in my weight, posture, happiness, etc

I also plan on trying to be more aware of my dreams, and when/if I remember a dream on waking I will also make my blog my dream journal.  I am hoping all of this combined will help with the depression I feel as well as give me more control in my life as I start over.

another stormy night

I wish I had some profound revelation, or inspirational insight about how we are what we survive, yadda yadda yadda, but tonight the fight is dead.  Once again I am sad and lonely.  I feel as if I am in a lose, lose situation.  I can finally just drop the emotions and people that are pulling me under, but by doing that I, according to some family members, sacrificing the happiness of my children by all the unforeseen obstacles and effects of divorce.  So either I stay in a loveless marriage as a martyr or be the villain that splits my family apart.  My direction is shaky at best; no clear strong answer or direction and I feel I am muddling around in the depression of my loneliness while I struggle to make it through each and every day.  There have been a few friends to reach out with words of encouragement, which I appreciate, but even with their love and support there is nothing for anyone to do and I am just lost. 

unfocused

My fingers effortlessly pluck away at the keys; my hands flowing over the letters faster than my mind can process or focus on.  Or rather, my hands move in distraction to avoid the thoughts that swim around in the current of my mind.  Like a camera lens coming into focus, I quickly focus again on the blur, so that the sharp edges cannot cut me again and again.  However, once a focus begins, it is no different than opening a dark room to the light, a pouring in of truth and clarity hit the bruises of my heart.

Did he ever really love me; know me?

Why am I not worth fighting for, changing for?

Will I ever be loved by a man the way I love?

How will all of this affect my children?

When is it time to cut him out of my life?

How can I start over?

Who am I without him?

Was the eight and a half years we were together worth it?

Why was I so blind?

Sadly, this list could cover pages and I know many, if not all will probably never have answers.  How do you live with that?  How do you move on when you have a gaping hole in your life with a shamble of a patch made of faith, hope and sheer determination to cover it?  How do you not take things personally when it is a very personal rejection?  How do I move on when I am scared to?  The whole point of a divorce is to distance myself and the children from the habits and anger that needs to be dealt with as well as to give me a chance to find a love that uplifts me, strengthens me and hopefully will live with me, but what if that never comes to fruition?  It is hard leaving the only thing I have ever known for a possibility of a batter life, when I already know it will be just as hard and challenging.  I curse my weaknesses for the doubt, or for the temptation to stay and take a loveless marriage.  I curse myself for finding myself in this situation in the first place.  So many overwhelming thoughts that spin me around and around until I am sick on my feet, stumbling and dizzy.  There is no way to quiet this torrent.  Only to ignore the brutal truths until I am able to deal with them.  Until I have a job, until the divorce is finalized, until I finally stop doubting.

?

Can you hear my quiet thoughts?

Can you feel my presence, when I think of you, even when I am not there by your side?

Can you see my image in your mind?

Do you feel my smile, and tingle with my laughter?

Do you feel the burden of the tears I cry?

My beating heart, does it beat within you, keeping time to the dance of life?

Do my hopes mean just as much to you, fueling us together in unison?

Do you think of me with a smile of fondness and a prick of the heart?

Do you miss me constantly, even if I am only out of view?

Do you love me, simply because I need someone to?

A Near Life Experience

I had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with a dear friend the other night and we were talking about near death experiences and the way they changed a person for the negative/positive.  My friend commented that he had heard example after example of these people who had a near death experience become more compassionate and selfless, but ironically would often cease frequenting their church or place of worship.  I then talked of my near death experience with the car accident and for me it was the exact opposite.  While we were in this mode of thought my friend jokingly said that he has near life experiences, but little did he know, he had just coined a new phrase.  The more I thought about the constructs of what a near life experience would be, the more I fell in love with it, so let me break down my thought process:

Near death experience                                                         

*One faces the possibility of death                             

*One contemplates a life after death                         

*Most times a person looks back on this with remorse, as all they want to do now is live.     

                                                                                           
Near life experience

*One faces the possibility of life

*One contemplates a death after life

* A person looks at the experience and is so involved in the experience they would like to die to be done with it, or die in happiness. (or put more beautifully by someone else, a brilliant moment of clarity that shines amongst the darkness of our life)

I know this is incredibly simplified, so let’s see if I can explain this plainly without losing the epiphany I had.   Death causes us mortals to question and come to terms with our mortality, but as my friend reminded me, “we are not creature of decay.”  We are meant to be healthy and live rich full lives, but I feel we get stuck on things that keep us in a box and focused only on our demise.  As many of you know, I have been going through some hard trials lately.  Obviously they are trials, meaning they are in no way easy to deal with, but they are near life experiences.  These trials force me live my life fully and in a way that hurts while I stretch to fit the experience.  It makes me be present in what I am going through as well as encourages me to think on living in a way that I would be proud of my choices in death.   There are many a day I would love to just roll over and die (excuse the depressive theatrics), but remembering my choice to live, and live proudly, I face my near life experience.  After all aren’t these things that we are even here on this earth to experience!  Like a near death experience, a near life experience should change our lives as we have a new focus and a broader scope of what we are and what we are doing. 

I am not trying to make this post about my personal struggles as that is not what this post is about, but rather trying to explain what I have learned through my experiences. I would love your feedback and if you feel you can explain what I am trying to get across more acutely, then please post a comment with your thoughts!