Flowers

Almost done with course two.  Today we worked on more flowers and next week is the final cake.  I have to say Thursdays have become the day I look forward to most in the week.  Especially today as last night and today were beyond difficult to say the least.  Since I just posted two days ago, there isn't a whole lot to add, so here is what I created this week.

Big News

I have had several friends asking me for a Josh update, so here it is: The last two and a half weeks have been really rough.  In fact this is the lowest I have ever seen Josh.  He still feels no emotions but anger and to deal with the anger he goes out every night to drink, and his now very frequent cigarette breaks to “calm his nerves.”  Even when he is present, he is not really here and to be honest I never see the man I married seven years ago.  With all of this being said, today I received some hope.  Today was Josh’s first visit to the VA mental health doctor, (and yes he went to the VA the first week we were out here, May20th, and this is the first he is being seen by a doctor).  However, when telling me about his appointment he said that the doctor said Josh exhibited signs of PTSD (which the Army doctor quickly wrote off, and it didn’t matter that I have been saying he had PTSD for the last three years).  Anyway, this is great news as it shows he is finally willing to acknowledge 1. There is a problem 2. There are ways to help cure this problem and 3. It is worth working towards!  Now forgive me as I am very jaded, but I am not expecting much from the VA due to our track record with the Army and the VA thus far. However, I am hopeful that since Josh has reached the point of acknowledgement, there might finally be some recovery.  Now I know this leads many people wondering…what does this mean for you as a couple?  At this point, nothing.  Josh has made it very clear he does not want to continue the marriage and I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise.  I will do what I can to help Josh when I can, but he is not my priority.  I am finally focusing on me and as always my children. 

As for me and how I have been since I left TN things have actually been better than I had hoped for and a big part of that is my new mental state.  I have so many goals, I make time for myself and I am working on being the person I have put off for years.  I am losing weight (10 lbs since I moved out here) I am exercising, reading my scriptures and other gospel material, going out with friends, and educating myself.  I have a reason to get out of bed for myself now and not just out of obligation to my children and husband.  Now I still certainly have my hard days, and I still cry a lot and generally think life is unfair; however, I am determining the course for my life and working hard for what it is I want. 

Another Thursday night

Yea, another week survived!  This one was harder on me, but I feel like I am pulling myself up and out of what has been holding me back.  For starters as you know I have been changing my diet and trying to be more active.  Although I have only lost 1 lb this week, I lost an inch in my bust, and inch in my hip and half an inch in my belly.  Arms and legs are unchanged, so results are there.
My cake decorating class was tonight and I worked with royal icing for the first time (this is the super thick stuff to make flowers with) I feel pretty good at the flowers I did in class, but I am confident I can improve them with practice:

Before pictures and Course 2!

So there has been a lot going on lately.  For starters I know I posted pictures of myself when I started the Last Year of Your Life challenge, but I have since lost 7 pounds.  While this is great, there is still a long way to go and I wanted to have before and after pictures to show my hard work, so with that being said, here are the before pics:

Obviously, these are NOT flattering in any sort of way, but what better way to be honest with myself about where I am and where I want to be then to accept the shame I feel for being here and taking that to drive me to want to change it!


  I have been busy in practicing the things I have learned with my cake decorating class and made my brother a birthday cake (he chose what he wanted it to look like):

and here is what I did in my cake decorating class this week.  We learned the basics of sugar paste and fondant:

Course one!

I completed the first course of my cake decorating class tonight and I am pretty proud of how my final cake came out.  Everything was done with icing.

Yea me!

Dream Journaling...love all the interpretations!

I was in a room by myself preparing a dessert.  I was waiting for two friends (friend I knew from college).  We were going to have a soiree.  I remember breaking 6-7 eggs into some hot liquid where they would float and fry and I knew all I would have to do was cream them when my friends arrived. I then heard/saw my friends so I opened the door and walked down a short hallway into a very large entrance room (bigger than most living rooms).  My two friends were there as well as Colby (a friend of my brother), who was talking to me about how he had just gone to a restaurant and received the largest pop he had ordered when for some reason everyone was forced to leave the restaurant.  It was then that I noticed how crowded this entry way had become and it was quickly filling up with probably 20-30 people because it was my brother’s graduation.  I quickly guided my friends to the room where I had been preparing the dessert, but somehow we got separated.  Jessica enters the room first and I joke that she should slam the door on Jeff when he showed up since he didn’t follow us.  I start to enter the room myself, but Jessica slammed the door on me and I was shocked that’s he would actually slam the door on anyone.  I open the door and walk in and soon Jeff joins us.  He starts to enter the room and then decides he doesn’t want to be here or have a soiree, so he just leaves.

Then all the sudden I am in a crowded small auditorium with just over 100 people.  We are all waiting for something, although I am not sure what.  I have a small Chipotle sack in my hand and I see several other people with the same bag.  A woman from an isle up asks how I got the sack and where she could get one.  I let her know they were handed out to the first hundred people there.  Then I remembered it was actually to the first 100 children there, and then both of my children were with me.  Then I woke up.

Cake class #3

So I am LOVING my cake decorating class.  I am so glad I decided to do this for me!  I have learned so much and tonight we worked on flowers.  I can't believe next week is the last class for course 1.  Kind of looking forward to my final project :)