So the purpose of this post it to not only update you, but to be my journal. For me the act of writing it down, helps me process and let go. I am not trying to make anyone take sides or feel a certain way, but these are my feelings so realize I am sure they are biased. I am really working on trying to 1. not feel angry as that does not benefit anyone, especially not the children and 2. not allow the choices of other people to shape or direct the direction of my life, so after that long prelude, here is a recap of a conversation Josh and I had last night:
I called because everything still felt left open ended and I needed answers to feel closure. The thing that bothered me the most was feeling a need to know when my husband decided he no longer wanted me as a spouse. I needed to know a time frame, if there was anything I had done, or anything I could have done more. I got a lot of I don't knows and it isn't that simple, but after a bit of discussion Josh gave me this explanation: It happened in Afghanistan (3 1/2 years ago). After he was wounded and nearly died (his third of fourth near death experience) he felt this was some sort of wake up call or indication he needed to change something in his life as once again he had faced death and lived. (Now this is what I think, but I feel that because Josh felt inadequate with being LDS because of the habits he failed to break, he decided the religion overall was the thing making him unhappy) so he began looking into different religions and belief systems. He came across Thelema and decided this was the "religion" for him. Here is a description because I had no idea what it was:
Thelema (
//;
Koine Greek: [θélima]) is a religion
[1] that was developed by
Aleister Crowley, the early 20th-century British writer and
ceremonial magician.
[2] He believed himself to be the prophet of a new age, the
Æon of Horus,
[3] based upon a spiritual experience that he and his wife, Rose Edith, had in
Egypt in 1904.
[1] By his account, a possibly non-corporeal or "praeterhuman" being that called itself
Aiwass contacted him and dictated a text known as
The Book of the Law or
Liber AL vel Legis, which outlined the principles of Thelema.
[1][4] An adherent of Thelema is a
Thelemite.
The
Thelemic pantheon includes a number of deities, primarily a trinity adapted from
ancient Egyptian religion, who are the three speakers of
The Book of the Law:
Nuit,
Hadit and
Ra-Hoor-Khuit. The religion is founded upon the idea that the 20th century marked the beginning of the Aeon of Horus, in which a new ethical code would be followed; "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law". This statement indicates that adherents, who are known as Thelemites, should seek out and follow their own true path in life, known as their
True Will[5] rather than their egotistic desires.
[6] The philosophy also emphasizes the ritual practice of
Magick.
The word "thelema" is the English transliteration of the
Koine Greek noun
θέλημα: "will", from the verb
θέλω: to will, wish, purpose. In the New Testament as well as the works of Plato, thelema includes the ideas of will, choice, inclination, desire, including sexual desire, and pleasure.
[citation needed] As Crowley developed the religion, he wrote widely on the topic, producing what are collectively termed the
Holy Books of Thelema. He also included ideas from
occultism,
Yoga and both
Eastern and
Western mysticism, especially the
Qabalah.
[7]
Josh then said that when he found this belief system he just knew we had no future and no longer had a desire to be married to me. I begged and pleaded for an answer as to why and all I got was "I don't know" so this is what I think, I truly believe that this is so against the very essence of what I AM and what I believe in that Josh knew it would never work, so then and there he decided he was done. This "religion" made him feel better about himself because it justified all the actions he chose in selfishness. (Just called Josh and confronted him on this and he admitted this was in fact the reason. he rejected me due to my religion; the same one he knew I have always stood for when he married me, and he admitted that is was due to his religion that he justified having sex with another woman while married)
Josh eventually came home. When he left I was a wife. When he came home he felt he needed to be a husband, a dad, a soldier, a provider and he said he couldn't do it all and I had changed. I was a mother and that was all he could see me as. Since he had already decided he did not want me before he came home and since he saw me in this new role, that is all I became: a mom to his child.
I have known these last 3 1/2 years something has been wrong and off and the ENTIRE time I have been fighting to get help for Josh as well as fight tooth and nail for the relationship I thought we had; for the person I thought I had married. A large part of me wishes I had not wasted that time and wishes I had no fought and held on and even that I was a fool for doing so. However, there is another part of me that knows I have grown through this stretch in trial. I know I have two beautiful kids because I was so loyal. I have the knowledge that despite his cowardice in being honest about anything, I worked hard and I endured to the end.
Although this information was horribly painful to hear and digest, it has given what I needed. I will not sacrifice my religion for anyone and if that is the reason he did not want me, then he did NOT deserve me. My beliefs are EVETYTHING and they make me the BEST person I can possibly be. I will NEVER apologize for my religion or my beliefs and it makes me sick that he chose to throw everything that was valuable in his life away. He is a coward, he is a fool, and I will try to pity his damned soul rather than damn mine, with unneeded anger.
