What use are wings to a flightless bird,
A promise of hope, yet held back?
or a world of beautiful color-
to a dog who sees only white and black.
Push upon the boulder-
yet the boulder never moves.
A test, a trial:
all for one to prove?
Shed these chains and limitations.
Let my feet move free!
Until that blessed moment,
I will never be more than what I be.
Demons drag, the past haunts,
and anger fills my soul.
How else can it be;
when we never cam be whole?
Always a trial, a new step to take,
and we simply label it: life.
yet in reality it is a curse.
A never ending bout of strife.
Yes, we grow, some even come off conquer.
Others, slowly fall, lost to the pain.
Just set me free, I have no more,
when the fight is more than the gain.
Dark, Despair, Sorrow too,
follow me around.
Yet deep inside, this broken heart,
I Do know there is solid ground.
The gain, my salvation.
Priceless when I prove myself true.
yet, how, how and I to achieve this,
when I can't seem to get over you?
Forgiveness? Compassion?
None of these have you earned.
Still, my heart whispers-
This is the lesson to learn.
So go your way, away from me,
and I will conquer still.
because despite what you took from me,
I will always have my will.
Maybe one day I can wish you happiness,
but today is not that day.
Instead I pray for y our soul,
That you may feel and then pay.
Feel the destruction that you left in your wake;
let it seep, burning into your heart
That from this. we might both learn and fix
In hopes of earning a new start.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
ME
Tonight I went out and treated myself. I spent $100 on myself and I cannot even tell you the last time I indulged like that. As I am now down another pant size (went from 18 to 14 now) I bought a new pair of jeans, a new pair of workout clothes, new eye shadow and new eye liner. I feel good. I feel attractive. I feel like more than just a mom.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Hello, did you miss me?
Today I found a part of myself I forgot about. It is interesting to me that as I shed the pounds and let go of the seven years of marriage that has been weighing so heavy on me, how I start to see this new, and yet familiar Cherish I thought died in the car accident. I am still struggling to find her and unbury her from all the weight and faces she has hid behind for comforts sake for so long, but I am finding her.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
2 Years
I just didn't have the heart to post last night, but last night two years ago is when I lost everything in my life except my son. Hard to believe it has been two years since the fire and yet still many a day I still feel like I am quaking at all that was stripped from me. It is like a black line that marks my timeline as now I refer to things as before the fire, or after the fire. It is frustrating as well, as even two years later I can see an item I know I had and spend hours looking for said item, until I remember it was a pre fire item.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Some of my favorite things
1. The smell of an old book
2. The smell of a new book
3. A fleece blanket on a snow day
4. The feel of my hair hitting my bare back when I take my shirt off.
5. The smell of vanilla on my hands after making a cake.
6. The giggle of my child.
7. Climbing into a bed that has just been made.
8. Putting on clothes that come straight out of the dryer.
9. Hearing a song on the radio that compels me to sing along.
10. Seeing the numbers on the scale getting lower.
11. Having my child hold my hand.
12. A frosty ice cold Diet Coke.
13. Chipotle
14. The smell of bread baking.
15. A tight hug.
16. The feel of yarn moving through my fingers as I crochet.
17. The smell of lavender.
18. Writing on a blank page in a new journal.
19. Soaking in a hot bath with candles going.
20. The paradox of both fatigue and energy after a good workout.
Of course there are many more. Feel free to add your own to the comments; I would love to hear them!
2. The smell of a new book
3. A fleece blanket on a snow day
4. The feel of my hair hitting my bare back when I take my shirt off.
5. The smell of vanilla on my hands after making a cake.
6. The giggle of my child.
7. Climbing into a bed that has just been made.
8. Putting on clothes that come straight out of the dryer.
9. Hearing a song on the radio that compels me to sing along.
10. Seeing the numbers on the scale getting lower.
11. Having my child hold my hand.
12. A frosty ice cold Diet Coke.
13. Chipotle
14. The smell of bread baking.
15. A tight hug.
16. The feel of yarn moving through my fingers as I crochet.
17. The smell of lavender.
18. Writing on a blank page in a new journal.
19. Soaking in a hot bath with candles going.
20. The paradox of both fatigue and energy after a good workout.
Of course there are many more. Feel free to add your own to the comments; I would love to hear them!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Moving in the right direction
I have a gym membership and have been going regularly and I feel good. I no longer ask the question why? how come? how could he? and instead focus on when? How am I going to accomplish? What can I become? Although I am still working on this, I am trying to curb my tongue and no longer lash out with the mean biting remarks when she is brought up or when his actions and words do not match up. I am finally to the point where I feel I am not living hour to hour and making plans for the next day does not throw me into a frenzy anymore as I wonder: how can I do all of this, as now although not always well, I know I can do it. I do not need him. For years I have micromanaged and pulled all the strings so why is it so scary now that I don't have him to hide behind?
Sadly, after talking with insurance as soon as the divorce is final, the company will boot me and deny me insurance regardless of what Josh and I decide; meaning, I will continue to be married and cheated on until I get my breast reduction as it is worth that extra endurance. I wish I could just have a fresh start come the new year, but to be safe I will file when I now I am ready to be without insurance while I work on setting up Medicaid, or something.
I still have a ton of crap to sell so if anyone is looking at purchasing ANYTHING for their home I am selling EVETYTHING!!!!! at a great price. I want it gone, so it is only priced to help me and the kids as sometimes the money coming in from Josh is unreliable. Almost all is in NEW condition as it was bought to replace everything we lost in the fire (2 years ago come the 9th)
So all in all I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this huge hole my marriage seemed to sink me into. I sometimes still get hurt and angry, but I those are no longer the only two emotions I feel as many a night it is good riddance, and he isn't worth my time. ok enough for tonight. Maybe sometime soon I can actually post something for me and no longer Josh related :)
Sadly, after talking with insurance as soon as the divorce is final, the company will boot me and deny me insurance regardless of what Josh and I decide; meaning, I will continue to be married and cheated on until I get my breast reduction as it is worth that extra endurance. I wish I could just have a fresh start come the new year, but to be safe I will file when I now I am ready to be without insurance while I work on setting up Medicaid, or something.
I still have a ton of crap to sell so if anyone is looking at purchasing ANYTHING for their home I am selling EVETYTHING!!!!! at a great price. I want it gone, so it is only priced to help me and the kids as sometimes the money coming in from Josh is unreliable. Almost all is in NEW condition as it was bought to replace everything we lost in the fire (2 years ago come the 9th)
So all in all I am slowly but surely pulling myself out of this huge hole my marriage seemed to sink me into. I sometimes still get hurt and angry, but I those are no longer the only two emotions I feel as many a night it is good riddance, and he isn't worth my time. ok enough for tonight. Maybe sometime soon I can actually post something for me and no longer Josh related :)
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