Talk

So I am speaking in church tomorrow; here it is:

I am a child of God. I am a queen in the making.  I am an eternal being.  You. You are sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  You have royal lineage.  You too are eternal beings.  What does this mean? This means that there is life after death.  This means that the choices we make here on earth will follow us for eternity.  Because we are eternal, so are our choices.  Each and every day brings us the opportunity for decisions for eternity, and these decisions determine our destiny.  We must throw away Satan’s tools of indecision and justification in order to prepare ourselves for the eternal choices we are making.

I have been through my own personal refiner’s fire lately, and through the trials during this process I have recently found a new sense of self worth that sadly had been missing in my life for years.  For so long I was unaware that I was setting my goals and expectations so low until I was finally able to see once again my divine calling: to love and serve God that I might obtain the privilege to become like him! “It is safe to say that the self image is the core personality ingredient which directs every aspect of our being…The way we behave publicly as well as privately is all a commentary on our image of ourselves…Self worth is personally controlled internally by those who posses it” (Ashton).   How cunning Satan is and how quickly we seem to forget that this life is “but an instant,” for we have the potential to be Gods and Goddesses for all of time.  We are royalty in training, nothing less!  What great things we could do every day if only we remembered this.  One way to remember our divine destiny is to treat our bodies that house our precious spirits, as the temples they are: “with your body being such a vital part of god’s plan, it is little wonder that the Apostle Paul described it as a ‘temple of God.’ Each time you look in the mirror, see your body as your temple.  That truth, refreshed gratefully each day, can positively influence your decisions about how you will care for your body and how you will use it. And those decisions will determine your destiny. Your body is the temple for your spirit and how you use your body affects your spirit.”  As important as our bodies are, it is important to remember they are merely a vessel for the greater part of what we are.  Next time you dismiss your worth, or devalue yourself with words or actions, remember this, “Your Heavenly Father has known you for a very long time.  You, his son or daughter, were chosen by Him to come to earth at this precise time, to be a leader in His great work on earth.  You were chosen not for your bodily characteristics but for your spiritual attributes, such as bravery, courage, integrity of heart, a thirst for truth, a hunger for wisdom and a desire to serve others.” In short, remember your potential.  Reach only for things that suit your pedigree, by remembering what you are and how precious you are in the sight of our Father in Heaven.

Despite our best effort at honoring our birthright, we are in fact human, which means we are all prone to failure and mistakes.  The Lord’s plan is always so glorious to me as I view the opposition in all things, which strive to only make us better.  For example, our bodies are of the “clay of the earth” Once our bodies die, they are no more where as our spirit is eternal.  This short sighted, demanding, carnal body often makes it difficult to make the correct eternal, righteous choices we need to gain salvation. In Ether 12:27 we read, “I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble…for if they humble themselves…and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Unfortunately, when we are not treating these weaknesses as a thing to be overcome, they become the chains that prevent us from reaching our potential and that shackle us with fear and doubt.  When we make choices that are not in alignment with our father in heaven, we are succumbing to addictions and temptations, which on an eternal scale is instant gratification.  How easy it is to be short sighted, but if we can maintain an eternal perspective, clearly eternal salvation is the greater prize to be had.  It is easy to justify our decisions with thoughts of, what will it really matter if I choose this once? Or indulge just a little? Who will it really harm if no one knows?  No matter how we convince ourselves or others with our line of thinking, we know what is expected of us.  This is also true of how we should view sin and temptation in the world around us. “While we are to emulate our savior’s kindness and compassion, while we are to value the rights and feelings of all God’s children, we cannot change his doctrine.  It is not ours to change.  His doctrine is ours to study, understand, and uphold.” By forgoing the instant gratification, we are choosing “the Lord’s way, [which] is the only way for us to experience enduring happiness.” In the end there is no escaping a judgment of the choices we made, “we will account for decisions that we made about our bodies, our spiritual attributes and how we honored God’s pattern.”  As mentioned earlier, our choices are eternal. How blessed are we for our Savior who hung on the cross to act as a intermediary, giving us the mercy to remove choices from our eternal record through the healing power of the atonement as we repent of our downfalls.  Similarly, this is the same gift that enables us to change her on earth. “True change, permanent change, can come only through the healing, cleansing and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”  Because of our Savior, there is no reason we cannot reach the eternal glory we seek.

So how do we gain and maintain an eternal perspective? There are several answers that would work, but “a pivotal spiritual attribute is that of self mastery—the strength to place reason over appetite.  Self mastery builds a strong conscious. And a strong conscious determines your moral responses in difficult, tempting and trying situations.” If we work on building a “strong human spirit with control over appetites of the flesh [then we will become a] master over emotions and passions and not a slave to them.  That kind of freedom is as vital to the spirit as oxygen is to the body! Freedom from self-slavery is true liberation!”  So how do we strengthen our human spirit and gain self mastery?  Once again there are all the obvious Sunday school answers, but I want to focus on additional actions we can take to keep our thoughts eternal.  One such action is fasting. “Fasting helps your spirit to develop dominance over your physical appetites.  Fasting also increases your access to heaven’s help, as it intensifies your prayers.”  By taking the time to separate the needs of the physical from the spiritual, we become more in tune with the spiritual desires of our soul and not just the appetites of our carnal bodies.  How simple this gift is!  By being willing to sacrifice a meal or two we gain a clearer view of our eternity!  Another great tool available to us is meditation and reflection.  As we all know, today’s world is one of work, recreation and movement. For many of us, we almost have to schedule in a time just to sit down during the day.  When our thoughts and bodies as so involved in the present, it is easy to lose sight of the eternal perspective.  It is more than just critical to take time daily and put things in true perspective by reviewing our thoughts, goals and actions.  I personally attempt to do this through prayer and journal writing.  We have this same opportunity at the temple.  This meditation and reflection build to that of something greater: aligning our will with God’s.  This is one of the main reasons we are here on Earth because “if our heart is right, (when we desire what God desires), we also have righteous attitudes and priorities…and our attitudes determine how we react to life’s experiences.” By being willing to understand and humble ourselves to the realization that God knows what is best and to know in our hearts the love and success he wishes for us, then we are truly able to follow Christ as we attempt to the best of our earthly handicaps to be like him. 

I am a child of God.  You are a child of God.  Let us remember our divine birthright as we make simple everyday choices as we keep in mind all of our choices are eternal.  How blessed are we to have a gift as magnificent and all encompassing as the atonement. I want to bear my personal testimony of how difficult it is to remember the impact of every decision, especially as we wend our way through the difficult pit falls and obstacles of trials and of life.  I know without a doubt that as long as we keep an eternal perspective, we will have the happiness we seek.  In the JST of Matthew 6:38 we read “wherefore, seek not the things of this world, but seek ye first to build up the kingdom of God, and to establish his righteousness.”  I bear my testimony as I have seen it applied in my life, that even in our darkest times, righteousness is happiness and the Lord will reward us for our perseverance to our eternal throne.  I say these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Cupcakes

This is the order I did today.

Chapter Twenty One: Coming Home

My heart thumped wildly in my chest as I drove onto post, following all the signs to lead me to parking for the welcome home ceremony.  I fumbled excitedly with Dorian and the diaper bag as we climbed onto the bus that would take us to the hanger we would wait to meet our soldiers in.  After surviving a year of pregnancy and raising a child on my own, it seemed unreal I would finally have the dream and wish I had been praying for every night.  I was so excited to have Josh back and although I knew it would be hard and difficult to adjust, I had wanted this moment from the very second I had to say goodbye.  I was so proud of myself and my motherhood and was so excited to have Josh see me in my element and new role as I felt I had blossomed into the very thing I was always meant to be.  I was excited in turn, to watch Josh become a father and could never put to t=words the beautiful emotions in my heart that filled me to completeness when I thought of finally being parents together and really starting and catering to this new family we had. 

The short bus ride was over before I realized and people just as excited as I was, scrambled from the bus and into the hanger where we sat and waited on bleachers in horrid anticipations, knowing minutes were left before we would finally be reunited with those who meant the most to us.  I had been nervous about how Dorian would do while we waited, but this bright eyed child cooed and played until he napped snuggly against my chest, both of us waiting, always waiting it seemed to finally have what our hearts desired.   My mind raced over the year I lived on my own, it raced to images of our wedding and all the love I held for this man who I was blessed to call my husband.  My mind raced images and fantasies of what I wanted our little family to be like and how great and good things would be now that we would finally all be together.  I was nervous. I was elated.  I was every emotion imaginable as a year’s worth of experiences were balled up within me and I wanted to do was share everything I was with the man I married.   Music from a band played noisily in the background as I watched other families around me trying to pass the time.  It was a joy to see the anticipation, love and excitement in the eyes of everyone.  Even though I did not know any of the couple hundred people gathered, we all had something in common and I felt safe, and calm, and a part of this mass as it was obvious everyone held the same pride, esteem and love in their hearts the way I did.

When we were informed the plane was scheduled to touch down in fifteen minutes, there was a flocking to the bay doors that were opened as we waited in the gated area to watch the plane land and our soldiers exit the plane.  I bounced Dorian excitedly in anticipation, telling him daddy was finally coming home.  I took a couple of selfies of me and my son, thinking that from here on out it was no longer just the two of us and my heart swelled into my throat as shouts of a plane in the distance were heard.  I felt as high as that plane in the sky and I knew the moment was finally here.  No longer would I try and remember what his touch and kiss felt like.  No longer would I call his cell phone, just to listen to his recording to hear his voice.  No longer would I cry myself to sleep over a hard day, feeling so destitute and alone.  No longer would I have to wake up alone, making every important decision in my son’s life.  From here on out, I would no longer be alone.  I would finally have Josh, the wonderful man I married by my side, leading and providing for us as we worked as a team in raising a family.

We all watched as the plane landed and pulled up in front of us.  There were tears and shouting and then full out applause as the door of the plane was opened and our men and women of the 101^st Airborn unit began making their way off the plane.  People would run to the gate and wave, shouting the name of their loved one, but we were still too far away, but still we cheered and waved at our soldiers.  Then, I saw him.  After six months, I finally saw his face, decked in uniform, carrying his weapon he made his way down the stairs and across the tarmac to get in formation.  My heart was beating so fast, I feared it might alarm Dorian, who was still waiting patiently in the carrier I wore him in.  I think Dorian instead was feeling all the love and excitement I was exuding as he was happy and cheerful himself.  We were guided back into the hanger and again sat on the benches for another period of waiting while the soldiers got in formations in preparation for the ceremony.  Although I was incredibly proud of Josh and all he had done, I thought the idea of the ceremony was ridiculous and was only verified if the fact when it began.  The bay doors were opened once again and the solders marched into the hanger in unison, keeping formation.  Standing at attention we saw our loved ones, but were not allowed to touch or approach them as two or three people spoke on the things they achieved and endured during their time of deployment.  Prayers were said for those who lost their lives and then a closing prayer said.  Then there was a mad rush of every person on the bleachers to those waiting in formation on the floor.  I was blessed to have spotted Josh as soon as the ceremony began and like everyone else, made a mad dash for him as soon as we were allowed.  Squeezing in-between others who were already reuniting I maneuvered my way with Dorian into the arms of my husband.

I felt as if time and the world finally stopped as his arms wrapped around me and our son.  No more counting.  No more waiting.  This is what it was all about.  This is what my life was for: my husband and my son. Josh pulled back from the hug and took Dorian into his arms and held him for the first time in six months.  He looked his son over and smiled from ear to ear.  He placed Dorian on the ground, to see just how tall his son was, only to scoop him back up and hold him again, while extending an arm for me to cuddle into.  Then I finally felt his lips on mine.  Fire surged through me and I felt like a princess, being woken up from a long slumber.  My entire body tingled with electricity and once again I felt whole.  I felt like this was the way I should always feel.  My heart was so full that all the lonely nights seemed almost worth it, if only for this second.  We took a couple of pictures and the fifteen minutes we had passed like a blur.  Before we knew it, the soldiers were getting back in formation to return to their units for a couple of hours to turn in and account for all their gear.  The only thing that made this bearable was that I needed to get Dorian down for a nap.  So I kissed my husband goodbye and headed home.  I out all the pictures I had just taken on facebook and was just getting Dorian up from his nap when Josh called to let me know he was ready to be picked up.  Finally.  Finally my husband would be HOME!

After picking Josh up, I counted every blessing as he was finally there to talk to Dorian while I drove.  He was there to hold my hand.  The sound of his voice, tinkled through me.  My elation slowly built and was excited for Josh to see the banner I had displayed in his honor.  He grinned and thanked me, but what really touched me to the very soul, was when he picked up his dusty, worn bag and carried into our apartment.  It sounds silly, but it was physical proof he was here to stay.

Dorian was only a couple of days away from being six months old, which meant it was time to start introducing solid foods.  Since Josh had missed pretty much all of Dorian’s firsts, this is one I had been saving for him to experience with his son.  It happened to work out that as soon as we got home, Dorian let us know he was hungry.  My excitement hit an all new high as I grabbed the bouncer and started making up baby cereal.  I was thrilled that Dorian was reaching a new stage in his life and that finally, Josh was here to be a part of it.  I grabbed the camera and took picture after picture of Josh and Dorian as he dribbled, smeared and enjoyed the new food he was being offered.  My heart swelled and was full.  The moment and experience was as perfect as I had imagined it.  Josh cooed and talked to Dorian and Dorian cooed and ate in return.  After Dorian was cleaned up Josh played with Dorian on the floor and again every minute of his separation seemed worth it as long as we had the blessings of moment like this with one another. 

Once we got Dorian down for a nap Josh and I sat and talked, although I don’t remember anything that was said.  Really the whole purpose was to soak each other up.  It was paradise to once again look into Josh’s  blue, green eyes and feel his arms around me.  For the first time in a year, I felt safe.  I felt protected.  I felt whole.   Finally being together was as if it were all new again as I experienced butterflies deep in my stomach and chills that raced through my entire body as his lips touched mine.   I was so full of love, and so excited to have my husband home to share that love with as we could now raise our son together as a unit.  After a very difficult year, life pretty much seemed perfect and naively I believed it was perfect and always would be perfect because once again we had each other and we could finally be what we always wanted to be: A family.

Encounter

For most of the last month and a half Josh and I have fallen into a sort of unspoken agreement where we only speak to each other in terms of the children, and everything else is left unsaid.  we avoid each other and on the nights he shows up to be with the kids for a couple hours, I usually go out or avoid him, giving myself a break and him the one on one time with the kids that they so desperately want and need.  Tonight we had items of "business" we needed to discuss and when done I felt the need to ask him some questions.  Questions I have already asked.  However, I felt they were things I needed to hear again as I begin to look toward the end of our marriage.  I no longer desire for him to touch or hold me.  I no longer desire his love or need an admittance of guilt or apologies.  I need the truth so I can reassess the last nine years of my life as I am preparing to let it go. 
I asked when he no longer felt love towards me.  He told me it was a couple of months after he returned home from his deployment, with the explanation that due to his own choices, he felt he had to maintain a certain façade at home, that while on his own for the year deployment, he felt like he could be himself in ways he wasn't able to be at home.  I made it clear to him that had I known his "true" self, I would have been disappointed as I would still feel I was not getting a lot of the promises he made me when married and it would have been a struggle, but that I wouldn't have loved him less, or given up on our love.  I reminded him that I met and fell in love with him before he decided to clean up his life and I had never predicated or expected the love I had for him to be dependent on his religion or life choices.  I loved him, for him.  Ironically it was the opposite for him though.  He admitted that when he came back things that "turned him off to me" was my new role as mother and my deep religious beliefs and convictions, in other words the two things that are the very core of me and who make me what I am, are the things that made him love me less.
I explained to Josh how I no longer loved or desired him, but that the man I man I married, that man, I would always love.  I explained how in my eyes I felt he died and was replaced with the Josh I now know.  I told him how hard it has been to have his face always there as a constant reminder of the loss of the man I married, the man I loved, who died and I don't even know when he died.  Josh thought about this for a while and we both came to the same time frame.  After only a year and a half of our marriage, the man I married died and turned into something else through selfishness and vices and the chains of the devil, completely altering the very being of whom I used to know so intimately. 
I asked why he stayed with me for so long and willingly attempted having children with me when he did not love me.  He said he never intended to leave.  He had planned on staying in a loveless marriage to uphold the promises he made me, although he did not love or respect me.  I cried. I told him I never wanted to be with someone who did not love me and how I wish he could have been honest with me.  I then apologized for all the years I fought to maintain and fix our marriage and told him it was only because I was searching for that man I lost so many years ago. Then Josh cried.  I asked him why he was emotional and he responded that he felt he was a different man just as I described and cried for the loss of that man as well.  I gave him a hug and thanked him for talking with me as it helps me move on.  He walked away with tears in his eyes and what looked to be a troubled heart.  I am sad, so very sad as I will always be for the loss of the man I married. I am sad for the hurt and the deception, but my heart is not heavy as I am nothing but thankful that this finally has ended. oh how many more years it could have carried on.  I am thankful for the opportunity to have loved such a great man before he disappeared.  I know what love is from that brief one and a half years or true bliss.  I am thankful for my two children and I am thankful for the opportunity to have a new start and hopefully find someone who is worthy of my love and just as devoted and loyal to the Lord and to me as I am.

Day

I almost had to take Amellia to the ER today.  since she woke up, until 2:00 PM Amellia was vomiting consistently.  She couldn't even keep water down and the poor thing was constantly throwing up the bile in her stomach.  It has been a while since I have been that scared.  She was white as a sheet, and would only allow me to hold her for hours on end as she napped and cried and vomited all over my shoulder. I began calling her pediatrician noon, knowing she was not getting any liquids, meaning she was getting dehydrated.  I tried it all, until finally at 1:30 she began sipping water and was able to keep it down. Her pediatrician called back at three and agreed I had done things right and if she returned to her prior state then I would need to take her into the ER to get fluids. It has been a horribly long, exhausting day.  I have given all my strength and emotion to take care of Amellia and as I mentioned, I was terrified.  I have never before seen my little girl sick like this before.
Trying to be a responsible parent, I made sure to call and text Josh, keeping him updated on everything that was going on.  Enraged and devastated are words that don't even cover the extent of the emotions I felt as I got little texts like I am so sorry or comments like, "well I wish I could watch Dorian so you could take her to the hospital, but the roads are getting worse by the minute and I need to head home."
Remember how enraged he was when I made the comment that he walked away from his children when he left our family for his mistress and her child?  How then can this be justified as anything but walking away?  I literally held my daughter for seven hours straight today. calming, soothing, bathing, loving her and where was he?  Did he even so much as show up to check on his terribly sick 15 month old daughter? NO!
So here is my point.  The truth hurts.  If you are going to make the actions, you can at least have the respect to label it as it is.  Today, once again, you put yourself and your priorities as more important than your 15 mo. old daughter's needs.  You walked away five months ago and you still choose to walk away on almost a daily basis. *end rant*
sorry for that, but today was a a day from hell and I needed to get it out of my heart.

Portrait

Evening star, captured
twinkling as I catch her gaze.
Autumn her reddened lips,
A breeze, when she whispers.
A rose, that quietly blooms-
wildfire on her cheeks.
A summer moon, round and pale,
     frames the heaven and earth that is her face.

SICK!!

so me and the children have been sick for the last THREE weeks, and no, that is not an exaggeration.  then with all the recovery, I have only been to the gym a handful of times the entire month of January and I am feeling it!  I am grumpier, I feel worse about myself and overall I just feel like poo.  However, despite my lack of gym time, I have been diligent about working on all of my goals and making progress.  So despite feeling like poo, I am still advancing, even if just an inch at a time.  I have also had the great pleasure of sharing the gospel of my church with a friend who is looking to join the church now and there is nothing as fulfilling as that.
So in short (and I know this is short as I still feel like poo) today was Sunday, so I dressed in my Sunday best for church.  Despite feeling the way I do and the horrible lack of gym time, I received a staggering amount of compliments at church today which touched my heart and reminded myself not to be so hard on how I view myself. 
Pics of my Sunday best...getting everything in order to rock the dating world when the divorce is final!!!