Chance

His hand slid though her curls, and while she longed for the touch , she too was timid about what this touch meant.
Quiet.  She hissed to herself, closing her eyes as if he could see the muddled debate taking place in her head.
     "I love you." He whispered.
     "I love you too." She replied instinctively, wondering if she should doubt the words that were falling out of her mouth.
She felt his lips press softly against her jaw bone, then her cheek; she knew her lips were next and waited, eyes closed, for their impact.
When his lips met hers, she felt the soft flutters of her heart: excitement and love deep inside.  Letting go of her thoughts she wrapped her arms around him and his kiss; giving in and taking a chance.

As parents, when we punish our kids, we punish ourselves

                I have been speaking with several friends lately how motherhood is so more difficult in today’s day and age than it was in out parent’s lifetime.  Growing up during my childhood, it was perfectly acceptable to play outside in the yard and street (as long as we were watchful and diligent) and even allowed to go to the neighbors houses unattended as long as my mother knew where we were.  My mom confided that she took times like these to catch up on cleaning, cook dinner and other chores that are virtually impossible with little one clamoring about for attention.  During my mother’s childhood she was allowed to be gone the entire day out in the woods behind her house all by herself with absolutely no supervision other than her dog to warn her of snakes. Sadly, I recently read an article where a mom was arrested and charged with neglect for allowing her children to play in her yard while she remained in the house.  We, as mothers of this generation, do not have the same access to personal or alone time that moms before us had.  I think that is why we have seen a dramatic shift in parenting styles as moms of this generation try to adapt.  With the scary world of abductions, sex offenders and all sort of other dangerous calamities that are growing ever more present we must constantly have our children in our care and have their safety on our mind.  Despite this change in needed attention, society still expects us to maintain house, cook meals, contribute what we can financially, and raise our children and to do so with limited electronics and TV time.  It is so easy to get caught up in the whole hustle and bustle of things I know I start to wonder if this is even possible.  More and more often I find myself turning on a show to clean up the mess from breakfast, another one to clean up the mess from lunch and find myself handing out ipads and nooks to just get twenty minutes of down time so I don’t turn into the screaming raging woman I feel like as my two and four year old have been pulling on my leg, using me as a jungle gym and expecting me to stimulate them for the entirety of the day. I think electronics have become such a crutch as for us it is a reliable option to replace the unsupervised free play children very rarely have the opportunity to safely receive.  The emotional and physical demands of a mother are increased and as a survival aspect many of us are guilty of the ipad use, the fast food dinners and blamed for rowdy kids. 

                In consequence I have also noticed that due to this higher level of demands on moms we wear out faster.  I have seen and talked with many moms who are downright exhausted and when a child misbehaves, they let the act go unpunished as they didn’t have it in them to fight the kids on his or her punishment.  This is so true too.  When a child misbehaves, I punish my child with a consequence that matches the misdemeanor.  If my four year old can’t share his toy with his sister, then the toy is removed.  Inevitably, what results? A temper tantrum, a begging for the toy and then a wailing of my unjust action.  After a long talk, hugs and kisses the child realizes the misdemeanor, apologizes to me and his sister for the offence and has the clarity of mind to choose another toy, but it is a process.  In essence, when I punish my child, really, I am only punishing myself.  Personally, I know for myself the importance of consistency and have seen how fundamental such punishments and consistency of rules leads to their understanding and good behavior, but it is a struggle. 

                So what is the point of this explanation of the modern day mom?  The point is this.  You, mom, are heard.  I totally understand how you feel and what you are going through.  You are doing just fine.  My theory is this: I get the chance to attempt to be the best mom I can each and every day.  I don’t always succeed, but you know what, it is still something I try for every day and in that I have no regrets.  Yes, some days I have a shorter temper.  Some days I am not as consistent as I should be.  I am guilty of having an entire day of just watch “Bo on the Go” and “Phineas and Ferb” but I know as long as I am trying, then I am a good mom.  You are a good mom or are married or dating a good mom.  In today’s society there seems to be less privacy and somehow our lives are public knowledge, that we are faced with more judgment and comments on who or what is expected out of us and so I say this: we as mothers, all different in out stages of life, number of kids, etc, are in fact all one.  Our goals are the same: to raise healthy, happy children who can stand on their own, so let’s work together in supporting each other as we struggle through each diapers change, broken toy, and refused meal to eat.  So here is what I am hoping you will do.  Either comment here on the blog or on my link to Facebook (tag the person if you would like) with a woman you think is an awesome mom and why. There are too many things in this life to disagree upon, but let’s as mother unify in our struggle to survive the day as we cherish it in our hearts.

Army

Thank you all for your patience,  I know I have been bad about posting on a regular basis, but have been feeling like there are things I need to write out, so here we go :)
As you know, five, almost six years ago Josh was unemployed for several months when he approached me with the idea of him joining the Army.  From the start it was something I was very against.  My sister, in her first marriage, married a marine and encountered several issues with military that eventually led to their divorce, all culminating in the fact that the man she married had been changed to someone unrecognizable to her through his military service.  Having seen the deterioration of her marriage I was very fearful, but Josh was persistent.  I shared all my fears, and over and over he promised he would never change and over and over he voiced how this choice felt right for him.  I reluctantly did research and went with him to talk to a recruiter, but none of my fears were eased.  As I always do with big decisions, I got down on my knees and pleaded for guidance as I felt the choice Josh wanted to make was a wrong one.  Days later, while doing my daily scripture reading, a voice entered my mind saying that Josh joining the Army was Josh's mission.  My heart was softened and I knew in my heart the Army was in fact the choice we were being led to.  I was still very fearful, but had faith in the guidance I was given.  The four years I was an Army wife were probably the hardest four years of my life.  I hated the military and even worse, my worst fears came true: the man I married turned into someone unrecognizable.  In the end, as you know, this led to a crumbled relationship and a divorce.  Although I do not blame the military for my divorce, it was a huge catalyst for it and I know for a fact the relationship I had with Josh would be very different had we not done the military.  I have looked back on this for a while now, wondering why I felt so inspired to support Josh's military career when it only gave me exactly what I feared from it.  Well, I feel I finally have an answer and it comes in two parts: 1.  I think that no matter what, eventually my marriage would have ended as Josh and I became incompatible as we chose different lives.  Although the divorce was nothing short of a hardship and heartbreak, I am thankful it is now while I am young and have the opportunity to start over rather than ten years from now where I would feel stuck and truly wasted is a marriage unappreciated for so long. So the Army was a blessing in the fact that it did sped up the demise that was looming over our relationship as it was clear Josh was not invested in the family or faith the way it would be needed to make the marriage work. 2. Josh went through both basic and AIT with another soldier who quickly became our friend.  For a year the three of us spent all our free time together as we were initiated into the Army lifestyle.  This friend went to church with us and was dear to my heart.  Over the years of our military life we kept in touch.  This friend became interested in my religion, which I shared freely with him, to then see him baptized, leading us to the present: him filling the role as my new boyfriend.  Although, I am still cautious and taking things slow, I already know this is the man I want to marry.  I think another reason I felt inspired to support Josh's military career was to give the opportunity to make the connection with Matt that I in no other way, would have made. I believe this more firmly as he tells how one day at school they were offering the ASFAB (military entrance test) and was last minute volunteered to take without having studied or knowing anything about it. Having scored a 98/100 he was quickly contacted and recruited in a whirlwind, unplanned and unexpected. Never before had he even considered military and to then, in a matter of months to be in basic and then AIT in unison with us seems nothing less then predestined.  I know in my heart, the Lord was aware of our future and I know Matt and the opportunity I have lived my life by,

29

Today was one of the better birthdays I have had in a while.  It was simple laid back, and spent with those I care about and love.  I am blessed to have friends and family who reach out and show their love for me.  I think what I want to really write about tonight though isn't about getting older, but viewing the progress of my life within the last year.  Last year, around this time is when Josh started his physical affair with Tasha.  I had just started my cake decorating classes and my journey to weight loss.  I was depressed and disheartened, but determined to find myself as I started focusing on me.  Only a couple months later did I learn about the adultery which really propelled me into a more determined state of mind.  If you couldn't tell, I have eased up on the gym and the self talk of building myself up as now viewing myself a year later, I am very happy with where I am at.  Of course there are still things about myself I want to work on and will continue to do so, but it is nice to see myself, like myself and no longer worry about how other people view me as I just don't care.  I know who I am and am blessed to finally be moving on.  I spent my day with Matt and the kids and the sweet dedication and acts of kindness shown to me is a constant reminder of how life can be and a blessing as I remember the hurt and depression of so long ago.  28 was a tough year.  It was hell and it sucked. 29 is hopeful and already happy, so Happy Birthday!

Mush Alert

I know I have been awful about posting lately. but you see all my free time goes to my boyfriend.  Yup, that is correct, for those of you who missed the Facebook announcement, Matt and I are now officially monogamous. I know, this is in fact a little contradictory to my earlier post and it wasn't planned either.  You see, Matt has been asking me for months for me to be his girlfriend, but fears and working on letting go of my past kept me hesitant although we clearly had a relationship worth getting serious over.  One day Matt was over, giving me a long, close hug when he repeated his request again, "be my girlfriend" and before I even registered what he was saying, I somehow had already said yes.  My response scared me, but at the same time, it felt right too.  We talked about whether or not I felt I was ready for this and although my response was very unplanned, I decided it was the right response and I don't regret it at all.  I have not felt this way in such a long time.  I feel valued, loved, respected, and so much more.  I have a best friend who knows me, loves me and spends every chance he can with me and my kids.  I have hope, adventure and most important: a smile.
If you are like me you are probably asking yourselves, that is great, but what does it all mean?  It means this: I like Matt enough to commit myself to him and this relationship as I see potential in him to be both a husband and a father to my kids.  Does this mean we contemplating marriage? Yes, but that is long term.  Right now we are happy to watch our relationship evolve as we find how all our pieces fit together.  To be honest, this last week was a bit of an off week for us as we had a lot of miscommunication and confusion, but I am thankful to have had such a week as we learn of each other and how our lives can fit together. 
I am still very scared, but to be honest with myself and with you, there is very real potential here.  I am still slow and cautious, but my heart and impressions are guiding me along with my mind and I feel happy as I feel I am finally moving on in all the best ways.  My kids are doing well and for the first time in a long time, I am proud of the mom I am and used to be before my world crumpled around me.  I have victoriously built Cherish 2.0 and am blessed to have a worthy man cheer me on as reach for the goals in my life that are most important. 
Really, what it all comes down to is this: I am falling in love slowly, one day at a time and the love is real and earned and proved true on both sides.  I feel good and I am happy.

To the Boy Who Said He Loved Me

To the boy who said he loved me,
    
     For years I have carried you around.  Your name in my head; your voice in my ears; your words in my heart.  your struggles were my struggles, ad struggle we did.  I built my life around you.  I trusted you, even when I had ever reason not to, because I loved you.  The way I saw it, you and I, were living life together; as one.  I am now aware of all the secrets, all the deception, and all the un-truths.  You said you loved me and I foolishly believed the love you had for me matched the depths of what I felt for you.  I was wrong; that was my mistake.
     All of this has been voiced before and I only post the redundant as history.  The purpose of this letter is to tell you the things you don't know.
1. The children are doing well.  You and I never talk anymore and although you see them here and there, I feel two to three hours a week isn't enough to glean their state of mind, so know things are improving.  Your son still wakes up in the middle of the night, but he has the tools and ability to now deal with his night terrors.  Your daughter is stubborn and active and to be honest, I see more and more of myself in her each passing day.  I want you to know that I never speak about you in any negative capacity in front of them.  I answer their questions as best I can honestly (age appropriate for their understanding of course) as best I can, but please recognize that I have withdrawn myself from your relationship with them.
2. Although I go through my own lows and times of reverie, and although I am still hurt at how you treated me, I do not hate you.  I would like to think I have even gotten to the point where I can say I have forgiven you of the things that have been done to me by you.  I have no need to hold onto the past, or the hurt.  Despite the fact that I never received an apology (where you are truly sorrowful for what was done), I no longer require or hope for one. You were my husband; you aren't anymore; end of story.
3.  I am moving on.  For a long time I was angry, and struggled greatly with the fact that you moved on while we were still married, but that is gone.  Not that you care, or need my permission, but move on.  Try and be happy as that is exactly what I am doing.  When we met and befriended Matt in GA, I never have foretold what is unfolding now. He was a friend to both of us, and for me it has developed into so much more. I am in no way trying to rub my relationship in your face, but rather reminding you to remember the good, honest person that he was and still is. Have faith in me (as I feel you have no reason to question that) that even in my personal relationships I still put the needs of my children first and foremost as they are my purpose and gift in this life, but I will find someone to take a place beside me to help me as I move on in raising our children to be hard working, thought provoking, intelligent, leaders.
     I loved you with all of my heart and had given it all to you, but that responsibility for you is gone and I hope what remains between us can be our mutual love, respect, and desire for the best in regards to the children.  So, to the boy who said he loved me, I loved you too, but we never really loved the same, or together.  We were blind in the desire of having our needs met.

I sincerely wish you all the best,

Me

coming clean

I realize it has been a while since I have posted about me and where I am at as I date again.  I know last time I updated I informed everyone that I was dating both Brad and Matt and open to dating others as I adjusted to being single.  I have officially been divorced for almost four months and have learned a lot about what I want, what my fears are and what I need to work on as to not involve my last relationship with that of a new one.  I am no longer dating Brad as he is happily involved with someone else and have been spending copious amounts of time with Matt that while we have not entered the category of relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) we have become very close and I am not looking to date anyone else.  The only reasons I am slow in accepting a relationship is recognizing where I am in my healing process.  I have realized just how much faith and trust I have lost in all people due to the way I was treated in my marriage.  I automatically find myself disbelieving what I am being told and expect people to constantly prove themselves to me with their actions, taking their words as very little.  I know this is not fair and not a habit I want to enter a new relationship with.  It has helped as Matt has been very understanding and open to lengthy discussions until we get to a point where we are both understood and both feel safe.  I am very aware that I am scared to love again and while I know there will always be a part of me that is scared, I feel there is more I can work on to overcome the weaknesses before I enter into something I want to be strong.  Am I putting off commitment because I am scared? Maybe.  But at this point I am moving at the pace I am comfortable and have a great guy to be patient with me and support me in that so I am happy to say  that Matt (lovingly referred to as my almost boyfriend) has great potential and I like where we are at and where we are heading.