Bad taste in my mouth

              My heart is breaking for a friend right now as she recently found out that her husband has been communicating with a woman and has been less than faithful to her.  It is just so frustrating that men (referring to the cheating men) have everything they need right in front of them as long as they are willing to put the time into the relationship to make it work and instead they wander away thinking they can be fulfilled by someone else, which is just a misconception similar to “the grass is greener on the other side.”  What is really infuriating about all of this is that is all due to selfishness…it is all about their needs not being met when I am willing to bet a good nine times out of ten they are not meeting the need of their spouse either.  It doesn’t make sense to me to risk your family and marriage, if you are that unhappy with the relationship, be honest about it and don’t sneak behind the spouses back.

              Besides the fact that my friend has to deal with all of this now, it brought up a lot of emotions I haven’t been able to deal with myself in regards to my relationship.  After hearing her story I was once again enraged with my husband and my mind quickly filled with doubts.  This anger filled me up because a lot of issues haven’t been worked through yet as I feel at the moment it will do more harm that help to our relationship and we struggle to get Josh out of his low.  Now that I see my friend going through all the doubts, all the feeling of inadequacies, all the self hatred for believing the person you thought loved you brings all those buried emotions to the surface where they hurt and burn my heart once again as I re-live my story through hers.  Situations are different and there is no way to compare what I am going through to hers, but it all feels the same to me.  It is frustrating as well because now that these feeling have surfaced, I feel as if I have to bury them all over again until they can be dealt with and to be quite honest I have no idea when that will be.  As of right now I am just trying to deal with the issue at hand and not let myself become bitter over my wounded heart and pride as I try and work through these emotions on my own. 

When your kids are ready before you are!

              My son is 21 months old.  He has hit a lot of his developmental stages early, but this was something that always excited me as I was so proud to see his growth.  Only recently has it become something I fear.  You see we have begun introducing words like pee pee, poo poo, and potty into our vocabulary to familiarize him with the words so that when we are ready to potty train him he would be able to communicate his needs.  Almost instantly he picked up the concept.  He began leaving the room and would return pointing at his diaper and saying poop poop.  Here is this kid (20 mo at the time) telling me whenever he pooped!  When he peed he had a harder time with; he knew the feeling of peeing and would say potty whenever he peed, even though the potty would be too late since he had already peed.  We got him one of the little step ladder to put on the potty where we put him on it whenever he said potty, to once again get him used to the idea.  We have been doing this for about two or three weeks and so today when he came to me and pointed to his diaper and said potty I did the usual: I took off his pants and diaper and sat him on the toilet, but today he actually went pee pee in the potty!!!!! How he came to understand the sensation before peeing and then to communicate that to me at his age astounds me!  It scares me too.  I haven’t done any reading on potty training yet and it is obvious that he is ready.  Ahhhh I am so not ready for this.  I am still so proud of him, just terrified as we are entering territory he is ready for and I am not.  Guess I better get on top of things and set out a schedule.  I am just so amazed right now J

Frustrated Rant

              I cannot even begin to explain how aggravated I am right now.  Let’s start a couple months back when I realized my driver’s license expired in July.  Several months ago I asked Josh to get some information from me because while we live in TN, being military we are still technically CO residents and I needed to know what was needed to renew my driver’s license.   Josh said he would look into and as usual the subject was completely abandoned until I asked him for the information again and again and again.  I even tried to have him get me the information I needed before we went to CO to see if it would just be easier to renew our licenses there, but once again his procrastination won out and crap hit the fan that not much of anything was accomplished in CO.  Last week I brought it to my husband’s attention that he was driving around with an expired license.  He shrugged it off as no big deal, since he is military as long as he has his military ID and CAC card he didn’t need an updated license.  This infuriated me as I once again explained to him that mine expires and I still did not have the needed information and unlike him I can’t get away with driving around on an expired license!  I demanded he find out what was required from the DMV so that I could be prepared when I went in.  Yesterday he told me all I needed was my ID, proof of residency, and my social security card.  I let him know just how upset I was because I usually  take care of this stuff on my own, but being military there is a lot of crap I have to rely on him for as I had heard I needed an ERB (have no idea what this stand for) something Josh needed to get off his military page.  Because he procrastinated I now had only three days to renew my license before it expired which meant I had to do it last minute and take our 21 mo old son with me….You see my point right, a toddler at the DMV all because of procrastination!  So I was less than enthused about this outing.

              Josh felt bad for putting me in this predicament and since he had to renew his license he worked it out so that we could all go together this morning.  Josh told me that the DMV opened at seven and suggested we be there right when they opened so he could get to work a.s.a.p. and so hopefully we could bypass a long line.  I agreed that this was a good idea so josh woke me and the kid up well before our normal hour so that we arrived at the DMV by 6:45…that’s great and all except that Josh didn’t get the DMV hours from the DMV itself or by looking it out, instead it was all from word of mouth and I was annoyed and grumpy to find that the DMV didn’t open until 8:30!!!!!  Trying to make the best of the situation we went and picked up breakfast and returned back to the DMV by 7:30 where we got in line (we were first) and I was surprised at how at 7:30 how quickly the line stretched.  I was miserable though as it was already hot and humid and by 8:20 I felt sick and nauseous as the heat aggravated my pregnancy symptoms.  I was miserably hot, swollen and contracting.  At 8:25 someone came outside to start passing out numbers according to what we were there for.  It was at this point that we were told we didn’t have half of the documents that were required.  Turns out Josh got the information of needed paperwork from a fellow soldier rather than talking to his superiors or calling the DMV.  I needed two proofs of residency, my S.S. card, my birth certificate, my marriage certificate, my driver’s license and my military ID.  So now we lost our spot as we had to go home and collect all the necessary documents.  I was furious at this point.  I take care of all the bills, I run our household, I go to the store and clean the house and overall only ask Josh to be accountable for a few simple things that why in the world could he not invest the fifteen minutes needed to get the right information, which has now literally wasted two plus hours of my time.  We got the documents needed and returned to wait in line for another hour and a half.  So our morning that started at 6:45 wasn’t finished until 10:35.  I made sure to tell Josh how frustrated I was and pointed out that his procrastination affected more than just himself!  The child was tired and cranky, I am sick and exhausted and still had a full day I had to do on my own as I watched the afore mentioned tired, cranky child.  I was so upset that that his procrastination often time made my life ten times more difficult than it had to be!  This also got into how he doesn’t invest the time needed into the important things in his life and all this stress he keeps complaining about is a large result of his procrastination and I shouldn’t have to always pick up the pieces!  The irony of it all is when we got home he didn’t need to rush back to work, but I feel he did the same exact thing, because instead of giving me the ten or fifteen minutes to express everything I needed he rushed out the door leaving me to fume over this all day.

              Obviously, this is something we will get over but this situation shows how this behavior is taxing me past what I feel I can give.  I am seven months pregnant, with a young boy my day shouldn’t be filled with having to pick up the pieces of mismanagement or lack of planning when I have more important things to tend to.  Well if you read this all the way through I am sorry for the negative rant, but I needed to get it off my chest so I can finally put it away and stop stewing over it.  No point in carrying around all the negative and angry feelings.  In the end call me if you want to know what docs are required to change your license or if you need a babysitter to go to the DMV.

Chapter Nine: The Proposal?

Disclaimer: Ok I know I do a lot of disclaimers, but these emotions that are discussed were very sensative at the time and I want to make sure people are well aware that this is only my side of the story and especially now six years after when this took place I have very different emotions on the subject which will be explained later.  Basically I just want to make sure people don't think any less of the people I discuss because this was from a very narrow focus.  Thanks for reading!!!!

I still kept my relationship with Josh under wraps.  I justified it as saying that there was no point in telling people because no one would understand.  I was so wrapped up in what I felt and all I felt was love and I didn’t want anything to spoil it.  I was tired of trying to defend Josh and my feelings for him. 

I finished finals and moved in with my parent’s for the summer and began working at a medical billing company again.  I was glad to get my job back for the summer so that I could earn some money.  It was nice going back to a familiar environment and a familiar job.  I quickly fell back into step with fellow coworkers and friends.  I hadn’t been working there more than two weeks when a colleague and friend came to join me for lunch.  She was bubbling with excitement as she shared the good news that her daughter was now engaged.  Her daughter was actually my age so she knew I would be able to relate and express the same excitement for her.  Looking back, it was such a small incident, but for me it was the incident that finally set things in motion.  The whole day I stewed over my friend’s happy news and instead of being happy like I should have been I was instead jealous and upset.  There was no reason to feel that way, but I did because it was not me who had a fiancé.  Although I had come so far in the last year and a half, what did I have to show for it?  My whole life all I had ever wanted was to find someone who would support and love me for all of my quirks and difficulties.  All I had ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother.  In the last year and a half I had lost so much, but this was something I knew I needed in my life and I knew Josh was the only one who could make that happen.  Now I am not saying that there weren’t other boys out there who would love me and I am not saying no one else would be able to let me be a wife and mother, but no one else could fill me the way Josh did.  There was still no one else in my life that connected with me on such a special level; and in my eyes, he was still the only person who could truly see the me I kept hidden inside.  The thought of being with anyone else sickened me and hurt my heart at the prospect of having to give him up.  After all we had been through together and after all we had grown into, there was no way I could ever give up the man of my dreams, for that is what he had truly become.

              I finished off my day at work still upset that I had the best relationship I have ever had in my life, but that we were forced to be apart throughout it.  I was tired of fighting the world alone.  I was tired of having to explain every action when Josh just understood it all without any explanation.  I was tired of longing for his hugs and kisses.  I was tired of life without him.  He made me feel like I was everything I had always wanted to be and I decided that day that I would never lose that.  I would fight for Josh and all that he did for me. 

As soon as Josh was home from work I called him, ignoring the fact it was hours before our scheduled 9:00 conversation.  He greeted me warmly as he always did, excited to hear from me so soon.  He could tell I had a lot on my mind and kept prodding me to share what I was thinking with him.  All the thoughts and feeling I had troubled myself with all day came out in the simplest of phrases: “I want to get married.”  Although I had thought about everything that sentence entailed, I never once thought about what his reaction might be and as soon as I said those words out loud my stomach pulled itself into a knot and my throat went dry at the possibility that he might not feel the same way, or the same urgency that I suddenly did.  However, only enough time for an intake of breath passed before he calmed my fears, telling me he had been longing for the same thing for months.  I asked him what that meant and his simple answer brought the reality of it all to me as he said it meant we were engaged.  I asked him if he was serious or if he was just trying to agree with me.  He laughed one of his light hearted laughs and told me that he had been serious back in November when he had proposed to me then.  I don’t want to say I had forgotten about that proposal, but for me it had never been real, at least not until now.  I asked him what we should do and he suggested we told our parents. 

Josh knew my parent’s had more than just a dislike for him and he knew this would not be an easy task for me so he stayed on the phone convincing me that from here on out I would never have to do anything alone again because he would always be here for me.  He even said he wished he was there to tell them for me and finally explain himself.  I knew just saying those words scared him.  After all they were my parents, his superiors, who already knew him for his past and he knew there was little he could say to make them change their mind.  This is what scared me too.  How could I truly explain to them the deep love I held for the boy they hated.  I had already made up my mind though.  It was time to finally confront them because it was time to fight for Josh.

I knew my mother would be the hardest to tell because she was the most vocal about her dislikes and fears so I knew I had to try and explain things to her first, otherwise I would lose my determination to try and explain things.  As soon as I felt emotionally prepared I hung up the phone with Josh and walked with a loud beating heart up the stairs and into my mother’s room.  She sat at her computer, her back to the door and I watched her for a second trying to imagine all the things she could possibly say.  I had no idea what to expect and facing the thought of her disapproval made me sick to my stomach, but I already knew she didn’t approve.  I stepped further into her room standing more closely to her.  It felt silly, but I was scared to disturb the peace and quiet in the room because I knew it would not last long.  As I passed her dresser and mirror, I glanced at my expression and was shocked to see that I still held a smile on my face.  Although I was terrified of what was to come I was happy and giddy at the fact that I finally had what I had always wanted.  It was a reminder to me of why I said yes in the first place.  I said yes because I was in love with the least likely of men; a man who has seen and endured more hardships than most have to endure.  Because these hardships were most often self inflicted, he gained a knowledge and understanding that gave him a sense of maturity and responsibility as he learned from his past and the stupid mistakes he had made.  He says I was his guardian angel.  I was the one who saved his life because I was able to love him for who he was, for the real him no one else could see.  I understood what he meant for I too felt the exact same way about him and now finally after a year and a half of off and on we were finally committed to each other in the most selfless of ways. 

With a new found confidence and a continued love in my heart I approached my mother telling her I had something very important that I need to talk about with her.  She typed a few more words before turning to look at me, stress already painted across her face.  She cocked her head indicating she was ready to listen to whatever I had to say.  Without a moment pause I began a quick ramble of everything I needed to say.  I told her that Josh proposed to me and that I had accepted.  I addressed the fact that she was not a fan of his, but he has really changed and that I love him more than I loved life itself.  Which in my case was nothing less of an understatement as I thought back to all the nights suicide played on my mind, willing to push pass the depression because someone loved me.  In a very terse, but informative speech I shared with my mom my intentions and my feelings.

Time seemed to last forever as I watched the expression on my mother’s face turn from stress to fear and disgust.  She looked as if she were choking back the urge to scream.  Although she didn’t, I could see the desire in her eyes to jump up and shake me as if that would restore me to how I was before the accident: sweet and thoughtful of every decision, always conscious and respectful of my parent’s wishes.  In some ways that person was gone.  It’s not that I didn’t care what my parents thought; just my priorities had changed because now the only opinion that really mattered was mine.  I know it might sound selfish and ungrateful, but who better to live my life than me? Finally my mom replied with a sharp bitter tone that she did not approve.  She then told me she could not deal with this and that I needed to go and inform my father.  I think she was expecting my father to set me straight, but I was less worried about this conversation.  Although my dad too did not like Josh he did not openly talk of his dislike for him, so I had hope that he would come to see that the feelings I had were real and that the changes Josh had made were real as well.

I moved slowly down the stairs trying to once again build up my strength.  It’s hard when a parent tells you that they do not approve of your choices or your future husband.  It’s not that I was insensitive to what they were feeling.  Honestly if I had a friend dating someone who had a past similar to Josh’s I too would be weary and advise caution, but my parents weren’t cautioning me, they were rejecting  me and my choices without so much as a second glance past their own feelings, at least that’s how it seemed to me.  Plus that’s not who Josh was anymore.  He hadn’t been that person for a long time and I had really hoped people would be open to seeing the positive changes and encouraging him to continually be what he is capable of.  As I walked down the stairs to the basement I kept telling myself that this conversation would be different because how would I survive two parents being against me?

As I reached the bottom of the stairs I saw my dad with his work mask on. It was a replica of a doctor’s mask that covered his mouth and nose to keep the dust out of his lungs while he worked on the basement.  He briefly looked up when I came down the stairs and continued to stir a thick white paste he was going to use to fill in the gaps between the drywall he had just placed.  When he saw me standing there watching him he stopped what he was doing and removed his mask.  Before he could say anything I jumped in, telling him I had just told mom some news and she wanted me to tell him.  I took in a deep breath and continued.  I let him know Josh proposed to me and that I had accepted, that I know that he didn’t like the idea of me marrying him, but that I had thought this through and there was no one else I could imagine spending my life with.  My dad’s face, although it wasn’t as drastic a change as my mother’s, turned to that of worry and contemplation.  He looked at me and said that he did not know Josh and asked if I would be okay if I gave him some time to think things over.  He said he wanted to talk to me about all of this, but needed time to process and mull over the questions and concern he had.  He knew that if we had that talk now he would stumble over his words and did not want to risk offending me and that this was too serious to be taken lightly.  I agreed that time was a good idea.  I told him I loved him and quickly ran into my room, shutting my door and calling Josh back. 

Josh answered the phone on the first ring asking how it went.  I told him it went better than I had thought and described my brief encounter with each parent.  I knew this discussion was in no way over, but at least they now knew the seriousness of our relationship.  They no longer could ignore the fact that Josh was a big factor of my life.  Josh and I began making plans.  I asked him how soon he would want to be married.  I was more than surprised when he answered with all earnestness that we should get married that week.  I laughed at him, feeling silly with myself for ever doubting his desire to marry me and to do so quickly.  I told him that such an idea would just make matters worse and that although I would love to marry him that night we needed to at least have time to plan things.  Although we talked about everything we would need to do, I still had a great fear that for some reason this would fall through.  After all it all seemed too good to be true because I would finally have Josh in my life forever.  We both said we would think things over and try and pick a date later.  The rest of our conversation was about what life would be like when we finally got to be together for more than a couple weeks at a time.  We had already discussed important topics like if we wanted kids, where we would spend our holidays, and what our pet peeves were.  After a year and a half of talking I felt like I knew Josh better than most newlyweds knew each other. 

What….I am a mom?!!!!!

There is a possibility that this is pregnancy brain, but in my discussions with other women I have come to think that many women have this same moment.  Yesterday I was a mom all day.  I got up with the kid, changed his diaper, dressed him, got him breakfast, played with him, put him down for his nap, fed him lunch, entertained him, made dinner and then my husband laid him down for bed.  I sat downstairs and crocheted for a couple of hours before I decided to turn in and as always, checked on my little man as he slept.  I could tell he was restless so I went in and sat by his bedside.  I gave him his water cup and was stroking his hair to comfort and calm him and all the sudden this moment hit me.  I was overfilled with joy and love and tried to remember how I got here.  How did this sweet little boy make it into my heart and arms?  How is it that after nearly two years it still surprises me that I am a mom? 

I think these quiet and powerful moments are the validation and encouragement that we are indeed doing something great with our lives.  Maybe this is the self deprecating side of my personality, but I always wondered what good my life was.  What difference could I make with what little I have?  There is nothing like a child to stretch your potential and give you a purpose as daily you are forced to live outside of your own wants and desires as you cater to someone else.  I also think these moments emphasize how much time has passed since our own childish carefree ways and should also serve as a reminder to still be true to ourselves.  Let me explain.  Although being a mom is the most important job in the world (in my opinion) we need to keep ourselves fulfilled by striving for our own personal goals to stay mentally happy and open to the service we render.  I was discussing this last week with some very lovely ladies and it made me own the goal I have been procrastinating: to publish a book. 

I don’t think my skills are where they need to be and the story may now be an attention grabber, but what better way to practice and work toward my goal than to finally finish this project of my memoir that I have been working on for years.  That’s the main reason I have been posting it to my blog.  Once I run out of material I have finished I will feel obligated and driven to finally add to my story.  I love the opportunities we all have to be moms and still be something more than what we are.  I have met so many talented women and encourage everyone who reads this (mom or not) to post a comment on a goal (short or long term) that you feel makes you who you are.  Sure love all you talented ladies!

growing baby

Well it is looking like I will have to go on bed rest again this pregnancy.  I have already started progressive contractions and it takes a lot of time on the couch and lots of water to stop the early labor.  I informed my doctor of this at my last appointment and said that if ever the contractions were ten minutes apart then I needed to go in.  If that’s the case I should have gone in at least three times already, but the procedure (as I learned with my last pregnancy) is to be given a shot once an hour for three hours to stop the contractions and then be released home.  So at this point if I can stop the contraction by being a couch potato and where I can still be at home and mother my kid, I will do that and try and bypass the four hour hospital ordeal.  I was really hoping that I would be able to get through this pregnancy without it, but at least I know what to expect.  It was about this same time last pregnancy that it started as well.  My goals this time is despite the bed rest to try and be more active when my body does allow it.  When I was pregnant with Dorian I was super cautious as I was alone and terrified I might have this baby early, but  through all the experiences I have been through with my body I feel I am at a place where I am confident in being able to read my body to better know my limitations.

 I have been so proud of myself because next week I enter my third trimester and have only gained five pound my entire pregnancy (and those five pounds were only put on within the last three weeks).  My baby is now weighing two pounds and I feel good that I have been healthy and active this pregnancy, I just want to try and continue that as much as I can.  At least Josh is home this time and can help with housework and cooking here and there that mentally I don’t feel as down on myself either.  If nothing else the kid keep me more active than I feel inclined to sometimes. Here is hoping the next three months go quickly.

Chapter Eight: A Dream Come True?

              I left early the next day avoiding my sister and my parent’s questions, grabbing what I needed for school.  I felt as if from then on out I had to hide my relationship because no matter what I said or did, it was lost on hardened hearts and predetermined prejudices.  It’s not that I couldn’t see what they saw; I did, but shouldn’t they also see what I saw.  I understand Josh had a colorful past and had hurt me and many other people in his selfish acts, but couldn’t they also admit that people have the ability to change?  After all it had now been one year and four months since my accident and I was a very different person.  Josh had gone through the accident too and although he didn’t suffer the physical injuries, he suffered many emotional ones, changing him in many of the same ways.  Josh shared with me the horror he felt when he came to as the car stopped spinning, trying to nudge me to see if I was okay.  He told me of his agonizing fear as he realized my active body that had been clinging to him was now limp and lifeless.  He talked of how he had to carefully pull himself out from under my bloodied body, staring down at me knowing all of this had been his fault.  You see as we had left to take Josh to the airport he made us turn around because he had forgotten his flight information.  As he looked at me, calling my name he said he realized then had he not turned us around, we would have been on our journey five minutes sooner and the car wouldn’t have pulled out in front of us, causing me to be in the condition I was. He felt utterly helpless as they drove off with my still unconscious body.  I asked him if he was scared I would die.  He said he was terrified, but he knew in his heart I would make it.  I had to make it because without me he really had nothing.  I know I had to endure my pains, but I don’t have those graphic memories that haunt me at night.  I have never had to pull the lifeless body of a best friend off of me and I can only imagine what the scene looked like.  My parents just didn’t understand and I was tired of trying to explain it.

              I was excited to see Josh and to have him see my dorm and the life I had been living.  We met up in Fort Collins and decided that the weather through Wyoming would still be too dangerous for an inexperienced snow driver like Josh.  It was nice taking Josh around campus, showing him the buildings I felt like I lived in on some days.  Life was perfect; it was how it should be: me here in Colorado, working on finishing my degree and Josh here at my side with no concern or worries in the world, just knowing we had each other.  Probably a naive look on life, but it felt good walking around together, with his arm around me, an outward showing that I was in fact loved.  Oh, and I loved him.  I was still amazed as Josh continued to stay sober, despite the tempting addictions that still pulled at him.  I could see his strength and his determination and I felt safe and comfortable in his arms knowing that now we finally had a real, healthy relationship.  I also knew Josh would never let me go again.  I saw in his eyes the intense need for me, the same need and pull I had always felt for him and for once it felt as if we could really have everything we wanted.   I was so excited with every second I spent with him because I always learned so much more about him.  I felt like for the first time, I could truly see the boy who had been hiding behind the smoke; I had gained a great understand of who he really was and I loved him more than I thought possible.  When the accident had taken place I believed I loved Josh; at the time I could say I did, but the feeling that were starting to grow for him now, surpassed old feelings making them seem simple and trite.  What we were developing was real.  This was a love I had never known before and although I dreamed of such a special connection, I always felt it impossible. 

              I wished Josh could stay longer, but he needed to leave the next morning so he could make it back to work.  I also knew his parents were worried he was jeopardizing his job and weren’t so keen on our unsupervised companionship.  They had nothing to worry about though for that night followed similar to the nights at his house.  I made a bed for him across the room and said goodnight, yet halfway through the night I was pleasantly surprised as he joined me, taking me in his arms so that we may sleep and wake together.  When my alarm woke me for classes, it was sweet to wake in his arms, seeing once again the care free boy that slept.  Watching him sleep, touched my heart and broke it at the same time, never knowing when I would have his companionship again.  I hated being separated from him.  We had spent most of our relationship in different states and I was sick of it.  I had to try and remember the feel of his hugs and kisses for months before he could remind me again what it was like to be in his arms.  It was hurting me so much to love him the way I did, but to still feel so disconnected.  Yes we talked over the phone, but I could never read the expression in his eyes or the curl of his lips and those things were precious as we spent such little time with one another.

              Unfortunately, our short time together was up.  We both had schedules and demands that needed to take us once again away from each other.  Josh talked of visiting soon and although I hoped for it I didn’t expect it to happen; after all that would just be too good to be true.  We continued to talk every night and Josh began talking more and more of long term plans.  I was impressed because his live life in the moment attitude usually never took into consideration plans for the future.  Josh now had his GED and a good job that he was happy with.  He continued to mention his desire to be married and have a family.  I was so enamored with this change because for the first time, Josh really was the man who was worthy of marrying me.  I know that sounds pretentious, but before he too felt as if he never deserved my love.  Honestly, he probably didn’t, but I never left because I had always been able to see what he could be and seeing him grow into his divine responsibility and spirituality made me really start to contemplate the reality of marriage with Joshua.  Yes we had talked about it several times before, but this time it wasn’t me looking into the future.  It was me admitting that I loved Josh and I was ready to marry him.  Of course such bold words were never talked about out loud.  How could they be when I still had school and Josh still had my parents who were still very much against him?

              We did however talk of the reality of him visiting me and a date was set for the end of April.  It would be perfect because it was finals week so I had several days off and several half days.  School and church kept me busy until his arrival which appeared sooner than I thought it would.

Once again, as we were reunited we clicked instantly, as if we had never been apart.  Josh would be able to stay the week and we decided that since he didn’t know anyone in Fort Collins it would just make sense for him to sleep on the extra bed in my dorm room again.  I was thrilled to have him once again in my day to day life.  Everything felt so perfect when I could look up and see the man I loved.  He made me feel whole, and emptiness I never realized I had until he was there to fill it up.  He was my reason to succeed and my reason to continue to get better.  He was my inspiration in how I lived my life and inspiration for the stories I wrote.  He knew how to touch and strengthen my thoughts and my confidence; essentially he was everything I needed and wanted.  Although I had been a skeptic of love and romance, I had always secretly wish for my prince charming to come find me and wake me from my monotonous life and Josh was exactly that.  Yes though most of our relationship had not been perfect, it had turned into more than I thought I would ever find and more than I thought I ever deserved.  He treated me like a queen and always gave me that due respect. His trip out to see me put me on top of the world because he made me understand that I was worth visiting;  I was worth the time and the money and I was worth the trouble so long as he could be with me.

My joy was indescribable as he fell in step with my routine.  That week was bliss as every night he fell asleep in his bed, yet every morning he would awake in mine.  He filled my time and my heart and although I loved every second, I dreaded the horrid separation and the pain that would bring.  It seemed the more time we spent together, the harder it was to separate again.  Josh and I again began talking of marriage and decided on December of 2006.  December 6 would be our two year anniversary from the time we first got together.  We picked this, so that we would have plenty of time to allow our parent’s to get comfortable with the idea.  This way it also gave us time to plan and prepare a wedding.  We still never alluded to the earlier proposal, but Josh demanded that I give him pictures of rings I liked and I knew that this time it was very real. 

My parents had no idea Josh was in town and honestly I was tired of trying to explain my relationship to them.  They knew we talked every night and I assumed they knew we were dating; after all I had sent my mom that heartfelt e-mail about my feeling for Joshua and it’s not like we were rushing into anything.  Although our relationship had been on and off for a little while, we dated for the better part of a year and a half. I knew I was still young, but when we got married I would be half way through my twenty first year.  I wasn’t naive and we both had thought this through.  I was excited about our new proposed plan and although we didn’t set plans in motion right away, I knew with all my heart that Josh was the only one for me.   I knew for sure this time marriage was in our future.  I had felt it from those first weeks in Colorado before the accident, although both of us and our lives had changed drastically, our feelings had not, except for the room in which they grew.  Even after all this time, he was still the only person who could see me for me when he looked into my eyes and I enjoyed that naked truth with him.

Unfortunately, his week with me ended too soon as I was forced to finish my semester and he was forced to return to work.  The world pulled us apart again and although it hurt, because it always hurt, this time it wasn’t so bad because I knew that in seven months I would never have to leave his side again.  Our conversations became more intense as we started talking about our future together.  We discussed where we would live, who we would visit for holidays, how we would discipline our children, what our goals were, and how we would work out our problems.  Although we had long discussions on several of these topics, we were both open and saw eye to eye.  I am a planner by nature and feel the need to know where I will be and for the first time since the accident, I wasn’t scared of what my future held because I knew with Josh I could accomplish anything.

However, there was still a huge hurdle to overcome and I had no idea how I would accomplish the task of making my family see what I did.  I kept brushing the idea aside trying to convince myself that they would be able to see who he really was.  I made myself believe that when I did get engaged they would warm to the idea and support me in my choice.  Once they understood the true feeling of love my heart felt as if they would have to accept him into the family.  After all, it was my choice…right?