Feedback

I would love some feedback in regards to my story.  Since it is my story, obviously I know all of it, so if I am not describing things enough I really don’t have any idea.  Are there things that you think need more detail?  Less detail?  Do you feel like I am complaining? How could I make the read more enjoyable?  Do you think I need to focus on something more specifically?  Any comments would be helpful.  Please know right now I am not fishing for compliments; I really would like to get this published and I want to make sure everything is at its best.  Chapters 11-13 are new chapters so I am very aware of all the grammatical and wording errors, which I am working on at the moment, but in terms of story please let me know what you would like to know more about.  Thank you all so much for your help!

Chapter Fourteen: Regrets and Mistakes

Our third year of marriage started out in a Best Western.  Josh would get up and leave early for work while I tried to find things to entertain myself while he was gone all day.  As a result most of my time consisted of watching TV or writing seeing as Bentleyville was such a small town their only fast food options were McDonalds and Subway.  Anything else required a forty minute trip into Washington PA.  Never in my life had I been anywhere so secluded.  Growing up in the suburbs of Denver, this lifestyle of living in a place where people have known each other for their whole lives was foreign to me.  I felt like I was at an impasse because for the first time in my life I had absolutely nothing to do.  Now that school was over I felt lost as I had nothing to accomplish.  There wasn’t much hope of getting a job because the only thing that I could do with my degree was to teach, and I wouldn’t be able to get state certified before the school year and there was no desire to drive the forty minutes to Washington for some minimum wage job.  After the first three weeks, I already hated life in Pennsylvania.

We were able to find a really good deal on a duplex in some burrow known as Cokeburg, PA.  The “town” and I use that term loosely, consisted of three streets of houses, a general store that was so old I didn’t trust any of the food they sold and post office.  That’s it.  My parent’s subdivision was bigger than this “town” was.  Our duplex used to be a house that had been split in two.  Our land lord told us how the house was built in 1903 and that the town sits on top of an old mine.  That’s where the town got its name.  The houses were built for the workers in the mine and the runoff from the coal they mines was called coke; hence, Cokeburg.  Almost all of the miners were Italian immigrants, meaning most of Cokeburg is still a mass majority of descendants from that early time.  He went on and on about the quaint charm of the neighborhood, but all I saw was depression.  There were some houses that were literally falling apart and condemned while other houses should have been condemned, yet still housed families.  Our house had been renovated and we were excited to get the deal we got for this spacious two bedroom duplex, but I was less than thrilled with the location.  Cokeburg is literally out in the middle of nowhere.  If I wanted McDonalds, I would have to drive fifteen minutes back to Bentleyville.   There was nowhere to go and nothing to do.  My cell phone didn’t even have reception within my little burrow.  I felt utterly lost and alone. 

When Josh was away at work I felt uneasy.  I had never had trouble being by myself before and honestly I usually cherished the personal time I had, but in that house I felt on edge.  I always had that weird sensation that someone was watching me.  I was terrified to do my laundry in the basement and I chastised myself time and time again for being so silly as I had never been scared of anything, but I couldn’t shake the heaviness I always seemed to feel.  The cats were nice to have as companions, but even their behavior made me weary and uncomfortable as one cat in particular would always puff up and hiss at one particular spot in the basement.  I felt like I was going crazy when I would hear footprint upstairs even though I was the only one home and the cats would be sleeping.  Overall I felt I was always at a high state of awareness and it took its toll on my nerves.  I communicated these fears to Josh, but rather than dispel them, he agreed that he had experienced similar occurrences, which only fueled my agitation.

On top of this heightened anxiety, I had absolutely nothing to do for the first time I could ever remember.  We didn’t have TV or cable, and we didn’t have internet as our main goal to coming to PA was to save up as much money as we could.  So I literally wondered around the empty house all day by myself hoping to find something to capture my attention.  I was blessed that the family that lived in the other half of the house were part of the same company Josh was and on top of that they were also members of the same church we were.  I was soon introduced and this sweet vibrant woman reached out to me with open arms.  You see, all that confidence I had gained in Fort Collins, seemed to evaporate as soon as I left the small comfort zone I had established for myself.   Now that I was here in PA I second guessed everything.  I started getting down on myself because here I was in a house with nothing to do.  I didn’t have many skills to speak of; what was I doing with my life?  I closed off into myself for fear of making a fool of myself to the few people I had met, but Shawna, the sweet woman next door, did not let that hinder her desire to get to know me.  Instantly she made me feel like I was a part of her family.  Seeing as our husbands were often times putting in over a hundred hours a week, we were each other’s family as we turned to each other when in need of comfort or entertainment.

The longer we were in PA the less I saw of my husband.  He would often have to travel out of town for weeks at a time and even when he was in town he worked so many hours he only came home to pass out then wake up and leave again.  I was miserable and felt like I was living all by myself, well and with the invisible eyes that seemed to follow me everywhere.  Overall, the longer I was in PA, the worse my depression got.  Over the last two years I had gained a substantial amount of weight that no matter what I did, never seemed to come off and after eight months of actively trying I still was no closer to conceiving. 

I spent most of my time doing puzzles or crocheting with NPR or classical music on seeing as those were the only stations that seemed to work in Cokeburg.  When I could no longer stand the time by myself I would often walk over to Shawna’s and spent many a day shadowing her and playing with her two little girls.  As the time wore on the though the less and less I wanted to go out even though I hated staying in.  It seemed as if my back took horrible turn for the worse and I spent many a day just lying aimlessly on my heat pad, cursing the state my life was in.  I began writing more frequently and was surprised when I realized many of my thought had darkened and seemed to return me to that very negative space in my head I had been at when I went of the pain killers.  I had similar thoughts of trying to make the pain end and I began to be worried about the state I was in.  When Josh was home I tried to initiate outings hoping this would dispel the horrible funk I was in, but every moment we spent together, just intensified the negative I felt when we were apart, which at this point was very often.  Yet, we were doing exactly what we came to do: we were making lots of money and we were saving it up. 

Shawna was a true friend during this time as she wouldn’t allow me to hole up in my house for days at a time.  She invited me over and was always there to listen as I tried to learn who I was and what was going on with me.  She leant me videos and movies to help pass the time and would come over and do puzzles with me, keeping me company when I was the most alone.  I still don’t think this sweet friend knows just how much she saved my life that year by keeping me active and allowing mw time where I could focus on someone other than myself.

When Josh and I did talk, it never seemed to be about anything substantial, usually it was about how much he now hated his job.  The work out here wasn’t organized and run like the yard in Colorado and he hated the people he worked for and the increasing dangers his job presented.  He hated the hours and he hated the travel, but when I confronted him about quitting, there were always excuses as to why that option wasn’t feasible.  Life ticked away at a horribly slow pace and I struggled to just get through one more day.  It was on one of these eventless, lifeless days that I struggled to find something that I could do that would actually mean something to me.  It was then that I decided I wanted to share my story.  I started off writing about the accident and my recovery, but it soon turned into a love story as I recounted how and why I fell in love with Josh.  I was once again excited about something, but that didn’t last long.  You see, just a few short days after beginning this task I got a call from my husband who had once again been out of town for quite a while.  In a very terse phone conversation he let me know he has been out drinking and then quickly hung up.

I know for most people this is not a big deal at all, but Josh had worked so hard to eliminate all substances from his life that this came as a shock to me.  I instantly went into panic mode as I tried to access where my husband was at to lead him to old habits, mostly because when Josh did drink, it was always more than just a casual drink.  How could I not have seen this?  Was there anything else I did not know?  I felt betrayed because we committed to each other to never partake of harmful or addictive substances and I hated that not only did he do so, but he did so without me.  Without consulting me, or thinking of what that might mean to me.  I was hurt and went over to Shawna’s to try and calm myself of hurt and anger I felt weren’t necessary for the situation.  As I opened up my heart to herm I could see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes that I only assumed was her concern for me.  As I finished my little tirade she apologized over and over because she had know for a long time and threatened Josh that he needed to tell me or she would.  It seems as though my husband had been smoking and drinking for months and the whole time I had been unaware. 

The betrayal and hurt deepened as he had kept these things secretive and hidden from me.  I didn’t think it was fair that despite all my difficulties I had at least been honest about all of them with him and in return I find out about his habits from my friend?  Once again I worried that maybe these habits had escalated past what people were aware.  My mind automatically jumped to the worst possibilities.  Seeing as Josh and I had both spiraled downhill since our move I felt like we needed to get out of this situation.  There was no point in staying on in a job he hated and which required him to travel when I did not trust my husband’s weaknesses and why should I stay in a empty house by myself when it was only feeing into negative emotions.  I decided I was going to drive the five hours to Williamsport where the job site was located and insist Josh quit.  I didn’t care about having another job lined up or the fact that we still had renters in our house; I knew with all of my heart that we needed out of Pennsylvania. 

How had our perfect life gone so awry?  My mind raced a mile a minute as I drove the unfamiliar highways to go and pick up my husband.  What if he refused to quit?  What if I had to go search for him in some bar in a city I didn’t know?  What would I even say to him?  Did he even care how this was affecting me?  How could he lie to me, by hiding all of this?  Did he not respect me enough to tell me?  Did he not trust me enough?  All these questions spiraled around and around in my head until I was pulling up in front of the hotel he was staying in.  He didn’t see me park and he didn’t see me approaching him and his friend as they worked on a cigarette.  I thought he would be shocked and ashamed when he saw me; instead he was surprised, but wrapped me in a hug.  I told him I needed to talk to him in private so we walked outside of earshot of his coworker.  I let Josh know that I was not happy with him, I was not happy with myself and we both hated it here in PA.  I let him know that I had come to collect him and asked who he needed to talk to in order to quit so I could take him home.  He didn’t argue as I had anticipated he would he just told me to follow him.  We went to his room and collected his things and happened to run into his boss in the hallway where he apologized, but let his boss know this was his last day.  We walked to the car and started our long drive back to Cokeburg. 

It was during this drive that I expressed all my concerns and hurt feelings.  I remembered incidents of how I had smelt smoke on him and confronted him about it, but he had always explained it away as being in a van full of people smoking. I addressed the deception, the lying, the hiding, and the overall way I felt that he was pulling away from me.  Why would he lie and push me away when never before have I been judgmental of his choices?  He explained how he had been having a lot of highs and lows and he always felt the lowest when he was away on his out of town trips.  It was during these lows that it was more alluring to return to what he felt was always a part of him: his old habits.  Although this time he reassured me it was only drinking and cigarettes, nothing more.  Although I was hurt I tried to be as calm and level headed about all of this as I could be, but I felt as if my husband was regretting his choice to clean up his life; he was regretting choosing me.  I didn’t understand any of this.  I felt that out of everything in life our relationship was the one thing I could always trust; it was the one thing that had always stood true, so why risk it by lying to me?

I tried to continue our conversation, but Josh was already half asleep as we climbed the stairs to our room.  He was out in a matter of minutes while I lay there next to him feeling rejected because my husband lied to me.  He was pushing me away and the depression that still gripped my heart made me feel weak and worthless and despite his actions, I was taking the blame for his choices.  I made him drink because I wanted him to keep this job that made us so much money, and it was the job that stressed him to that point.  It was my fault he lied to me because obviously he didn’t feel he could open up to me.  I was feeling anger and resentment at him and myself and for the first time in our married life, I chose to sleep in another bed than the one my husband was in.

The next morning we began making plans as to what we should do with our lives now that we had no job.  Josh found someone who had recently joined the company who was willing to take over our lease and adopt the cats from us as we were unable to take them with us as we housed with other people.  Josh’s parents let us know we were welcome to stay with them while we looked for a job; my parents had offered the same thing, but with everything I had just found out about Josh, I didn’t think it was a good idea to move in with my parents while I felt discord with my husband.  We started packing things up and within a week we were on the road back west.

Just me being me

So either I am in a slump, feeling low, or both because as of right now I have no inspiration to work on my story.  Maybe because my husband still hasn’t read everything I have posted and if I want anyone to read it, it is him.  Maybe it is because I am on a chapter that is bringing back emotions that I rather not relive.  Maybe it’s just because I rely too much on other people’s reinforcement that I don’t have the drive I need to chug through and do this myself. 

              After writing that last paragraph I laughed as I realized that once again I am trying to analyze myself (which is a very common thing for me), which I attribute to my mother.  You see my mother is a psychologist.  Because of her background she always taught us to always be aware of our emotions and that of others so that we could understand why we do what we do.  Also, by knowing where we are, we can better communicate our needs, hurt, desire, etc to others.  My mom had certain catch phrases to drill these lessons into our head, and I remember cringing every time I heard the same thing over and over.  That is until I hit adulthood and somehow I found myself capable of expressing myself better than my peers.  I found communication an easy task as I had been taught the tools my whole life.  I found that these annoying catch phrases actually taught me to be a very capable human being. 

              I am so very grateful for these lessons my mother taught me as I now find myself best through my writing, and although my mom never gave me writing lessons, she is the one who taught me to be open and okay with myself.  However, on nights like tonight where my thoughts and emotions spin in a gyre until they reach a point of climax; these lessons only seem to intensify the storm as I sit here reflecting on minute things that make no difference.  I know, I am getting cryptic again, so let’s just say despite all this verbal vomit, my goal is to have chapter fourteen finished by Wednesday.  Hope to see your comments when I post then J

Rejection

I don’t take rejection easily.  I don’t many people who do, well other than those people always trying to sell satellite service in Wal-Mart.  I feel more often than not , I take things as rejection that were not intended to be a rejection, but if that’s how I feel, does it belittle those emotions?  I guess I am being a little cryptic, so let me give an example.  As you all know Josh and I are struggling with our marriage as Josh struggles to decide who he is, who he wants to be and overall what he wants in his life.  Josh suffers from post traumatic stress and severe depression which gives him a lot of highs and lows.  I have pretty much come to expect my position on his priority list to be low during these lows as he is self absorbed and self destructive.  Due to my low statues during these periods I feel I deserve to take some sort of priority when he is doing better, and when that isn’t the case, it is very hard not to take it personally.  Due to the medication Josh is on we are not intimate often, and when we are I feel like it exposes the raw emotions, that I am learning to deal with as best I can to start working on forgiveness as I wait until Josh is in a stable place to work through them.  I think a large part of the raw emotions during intimacy is the vulnerability that you allow yourself to become while opening up to your partner.  This morning was once such instance for us, but we were cut short by the alarm clock.  Of course I can accept this as my husband goes to work to provide for our family.  However, after getting up myself this morning I noticed that my husband had been playing his video games before he left for work.  This is where I felt utterly rejected.  After the intimacy we shared, that was cut short why did he not chose to come and cuddle or talk with me?  Why was it that once again something else took priority?  I know this was not intended to be a rejection, but isn’t that what it was?  Of course when he returned home I brought it to his attention and told him how it made me feel and he apologized, but how many times do we have to repeat similar situations before he actually realizes what it is he is doing to me.  It’s getting hard because it is to the point where every time I feel rejected I have a desire to pull away myself and I am trying to fight that urge with everything I have because at the moment I feel like I am the only one holding this family and this relationship together; so I guess the question is: how do I get past the rejection?

Jason Mraz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-qChO3xa4U&feature=share


I think the lyrics to this, say it all.  i will let it talk for me today :)

My own punishment

Tears cascade and fade away,

But the hurt burns inside awake.

The swollen eyes pink from tears,

Never show the hurt that stretches for years.

The words I say slip from my lips-

But inside my heart they keep their grip.

The flush on my check will lighten,

Yet me soul will not brighten.

All this you do, but only half you see,

Unwilling to know that slowly, your killing me.

How many times must I repeat-

The same slow words that cause cheek.

Whether you ignore or fail to understand

Because of it, I see you as less of a man.

You treat me with disrespect

And holding onto the internal, I regret

For I am no better than you to the abuse I make

My own little punishment I force myself to take.

Chapter Thirteen: Year Two

Josh and I were ecstatic about getting into our new house and my parents were instrumental in making that happen.  My mom helped me find the right paint we would need in all the different rooms of the house and helped with input on what colors would look nice.  She then spent many a day in our work in progress paining room after room with me.  My dad helped up find a great price for wood flooring and he helped install it as he taught Josh how to continue in the work when my dad was no longer available to be there.  We all poured our sweat and time into our work and I was surprised at how quickly this house felt like my home.   I loved the colors that brightened the walls and the cherry hardwood floors that made it all feel classy.  I began placing each piece of furniture with care, taking into account aesthetics and comfort.  In just a couple months, this house was pretty much everything I could hope for.  Seeing as we were in no rush to finish the basement Josh and I lived upstairs and used the entire basement as storage and housing for the two cats we adopted: Sakura and Books.

In a matter of months, we practically flipped the state of our house and had it set up and functional before it was time for me to return to school as I started my last year of college.  Josh and I loved our house, but we soon realized that despite our research and preparation there were several things we forgot to account for.  After utilities, rent, tax and other daily expenses we realized that it was just a matter of time that we would be spending more than we were bringing in.  The thought terrified me.  I hated to ask Josh to try and find a different job since he enjoyed the one he had, but he realized he wanted a job where he could provide for me and our future family and hopefully find something more long term.  Although our solution wasn’t solved immediately, it wasn’t too long before a good friend of ours raved about his new job in the oil field.  He wasn’t bashful at all when he shared with us what he was earning and even offered to set Josh up with an interview.  Although neither one of us were very excited about the prospect, we decided it was worth looking into.

Josh went to the interview and was hired to begin schooling for his CDL (Commercial Driver’s License) to be able to drive a big rig (their fracking equipment) to all the different locations.  Although they let him know he would be traveling with the job, he would receive per diem and start off at an hourly rate that was double what he was making at the furniture warehouse.  Seeing what he could make, we were sold on the job as it was answer to our financial problems.  Plus the company was paying for him to learn to drive a big rig, a skill that he could carry with him the rest of his life.  We were excited for this new change. 

School continued to go very well for me as I excelled in my classes and felt fulfilled and enriched with what I learned.  I read on average four books a week and usually had to write two papers a week, but I loved the way it opened my eyes and taught me to think.  Josh too excelled at what he was doing.  Although he didn’t enjoy driving a semi, he did so safely.  He loved the fracking part of his job which required a learned skill and physical labor, which Josh has always enjoyed.  He came home proud now that we had double the income to live off of.  We both maintained busier schedules and sadly there were days we didn’t see each other at all, but we were both enriching ourselves and supporting the other as we advanced ourselves into the world.  We still made time to date and Josh still made it a priority that every chance we got, to take off in the car driving along, with the intention of getting lost.  We had many a great adventure this way as we viewed beautiful scenery, hiked hidden trails, and picnicked out in the middle of nowhere.  Life was good and although I didn’t think it was possible, I fell in love with my husband more and more as the days passed on. 

Our many trips to my parent’s house had helped things considerably as they had a change to get to know Josh the way I did.  They were able to see the way he treated me with love and respect, they could see the way he made me happy, and they could see how he provided for me.  Life really was looking up and although there was still many a day I struggled with back pain, I was so very thankful that my life had led me to where it was at. 

Although Josh and I had been married, we still believed that if we were sealed in God’s holy temple, our union would not be earthly, it would be eternal and we made it our goal to accomplish just that.  My life with Josh was going exactly how I had planned it and nothing made me happier than experiencing life together.  After a year and a half of marriage I was sealed to Josh for time and all eternity on March 21, 2007.  Since I never had a reception for my wedding, my mom took it upon herself to plan, pay and organize a reception that included family friends as well as our friends.  Especially now that we were newly settled into our new house she was very aware of how gifts and gift cards would come in handy.  She decorated and had finger foods, but what I was most excited about was the wedding cake we finally got.  It was beautiful and although I was never a fan of being in the spot light of functions such as these, I appreciated all the work my mom put into it when I saw all she had done for us.  To be quite honest, I was very rude about the whole thing though and I greatly regret how I behaved.  Here was my mother, going out of her way to help us out and show her love and support of us and sadly I saw it as an act of contrition for how things had played out before.  I know I hurt her feelings by downplaying and even snubbing some of these great acts of kindness she performed for me and I regret that what should have brought us closer together, now due to me, we seemed just as separated as before.  I want to say that I was trying to mend my hurt feelings, but pride got in the way and I had a hard time letting go of those feeling of rejection I had felt so deeply.  Despite my crappy attitude, the day was beautiful and we received many beautiful gifts and gift cards to further make our new house a home.

Now that we were eternally bound, had a home and a very reliable and substantial income, we decided I would go off of birth control seeing as I only had a couple months of school left.  The timing seemed perfect because our life together was so perfect and we wanted nothing more than to enter the world of parenthood.  Josh’s job called him away more and more, and my schedule became more hectic with graduation approaching that as the months slipped by I accounted our lack of conception to my body adjusting to its natural cycle, the stress I was under, as well as the spermatic attempts we had during those crazy months.  Despite it all though, every month I hoped with all my heart I would be blessed with the gift of a child.  My cycle was very sporadic that many times I would test believing this was the month that would change my life.  However, month after month I was disappointed.  I never voiced these disappointments as I knew I was probably over reacting.  I knew it took some women up to six months to get pregnant after going off birth control, so I tried to be as patient as possible.

As my graduation date approached, so did the stress of what I would do after graduation.  I had always considered the possibility of graduate school in the back of my mind, but now that the time was here, I felt ill prepared.  I vacillated back and forth as to what my next move should be.  By the time I made my decision I only had a month to take my GRE before my application was due.  This didn’t give me much time to study and I did what little preparation I could before I enrolled in the test.  I felt completely unprepared as I walked into the testing room.  You are given five hours for the test, but after two I had finished as best I could, knowing I had probably guessed on more questions than I had worked out.  I was disheartened, but was glad I had a high and steady GPA to help out my application.  I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure though and went in and talked to my advisor who assured me the GRE scores didn’t weigh into the application process at all unless it was a really good score that would set me apart from others, but it would not be detrimental at all.  This was a big relief.  The further I got in my application process the more aware of all the costs I would have and with the strength of my application I applied for a graduate teaching assistantship.  There were very few of these spots open, but if I could acquire this honor I would have the privilege of teaching a 100 or 200 level class while my tuition would be paid for.  I received several prestigious recommendations and I felt confident as I turned in my application for Graduate school. 

My school year was coming to an end and along with it, the new that Josh’s yard he worked out of would be closing down.  Here we finally found a job that would support us and that he enjoyed and he was now faced with the decision of having to try and find a new job, or to move with the company to Pennsylvania.  Josh, knowing I had just applied to graduate school in Colorado asked what I thought he should do.  What were we to do?  We had a house and a mortgage payment; good jobs were hard to find seeing as Josh only had his GRE.  Even if we stayed, I would not be able to afford school without the income he was making now.  I told him we should think it over and weigh all our options as we still had a little over a month to decide, but deep down I already knew we would be leaving the town and the house that had become our home. 

I was very proud when I graduated with a 3.5 GPA.  I now had a BA in English literature with a concentration in both history and philosophy.  I was now a college graduate.  Although I had not received the teaching position, I had been accepted into the graduate program.  I think I took this for granted until I saw how many of my friends were not accepted and I took pride in the privilege I had  to work toward my dream job: to teach at a university. 

Here we were coming up on the end of our second year and I felt Josh needed to make the decision whether we stay and find a new job or whether we moved.  After all he had spent the last two years supporting me with my education, I felt as though it was time for me to return the favor and support him in what he wanted to do.  We spent the week of our honeymoon camping in Yellowstone with Josh’s family; it as during this beautiful week full of adventure that Josh decided we would move to Pennsylvania.  Once we got home we had two weeks before Josh had to report to work on the other side of the country.  We decided that we would move to Pennsylvania for a year, which would give us the opportunity to save up a lot of money while we rented out the house to some friends of mine.  After a year we would have a cushion were we could return to our home and allow Josh some time to find a job, while I reapplied to graduate school.  Everything seemed to fall into place, reassuring me that this was what needed to happen in our lives.  Never had I planned on moving outside of Colorado, and yet this whirlwind swept up away in a week time and planted us in Bentleyville, PA where we had three weeks of a paid hotel to aid us as we searched for a place to live. 

This year had been much more chaotic than the last, but my love for Josh only changed in that it had grown increasingly.  I thought after two complete years of marriage would know everything there was to know about my husband, but life is a fickle thing which stretches us into growth and I loved getting to know my soul mate each and every day, and although the next year was full of uncertainties, I looked forward to traveling through this new chaos with my best friend.