inadequate

There is no doubt that motherhood is a divine calling.  I believe women are co-creators with God, meaning we have the noble task of bringing God’s precious souls into this mortal life.

              I don’t understand how when holding a newborn one can doubt or disbelieve in the existence of God.  When I hold these sweet spirit sons and daughters when they enter this world an indescribable peace, love and happiness washes over me, as if they are delivering blessings and well wishes from friends and family past.

              This is a very humbling moment; at least for me.  These little angels come to us perfect and while caring for these sweet defenseless souls, I feel all my inadequacies highlighted as I wonder, how I am going to teach them to be exactly as they are now: loving, peaceful and in tune with God?

              I know I am meant for this calling, or I know I would not have been blessed with the children I have.  Some days I just wish I was a better me so I can better help them be the best they can be.

Image

An image popped into my head today of an analogous person crying.  The tears were royal blue and stained the cheeks as they rolled down this person’s face.  If you looked close enough you could see faded stain marks of other colors from other tears shed, creating a somber rainbow if you looked for it.  The person did not look sad; the tears just overflowed and welled out of the eyes, staining a new path over paths already forged. 

I cry different colors.  As tears are just as subjective as the emotions that cause them.  Sometimes I don’t cry tears at all, but I am still crying.  If I were to cry now, the tears would be red and yellow, staining a path down my check to show someone on the outside that these tears were not shed in vain…even if they were not seen falling from my eyes, they still stain my cheek proving an emotion felt and if not heard, at least seen.

Another image of a person hunched over, no face visible, just the curved fetal position of a curved back and bowed head and at the feet a puddle of rainbow, reflecting the sorrowful expression.

Creature

So for my book club we are currently reading The Metamorphosis by Kafka.  For those of you unfamiliar with this short story it is about Gregor, a traveling salesman who turns into a bug overnight.  The way the bug is described many people have interpreted the bug to specifically be a cockroach which fit how Gregor felt about himself: ever industrious, but abhorred and looked down on.  This made me think; what would I be.  Not what animal or creature do I wish I was, rather what creature best represents me?  I have been thinking about this a long time and it is a tough question to answer, but after a lot of deliberation I think if I had to be represented in another form It would be in the form of a moth.  I think a moth is fitting as they undergo a radical transformation, from a lowly caterpillar of infancy to a creature that literally rises above.  Now I am aware moths do not have a long life span, but that does not mean they do not live full lives.  I am not predicting a short life, rather just a mantra to try and live by: no one knows when they will be called home, so become who you want to be and live life in a way you would be proud.  I don’t think I will be a big beautiful monarch butterfly, rather, I see myself as a common brown moth, just another one in a million.  I do not draw attention, but blend in as I follow and am drawn to the light ie. the things that make me happy and feel fulfilled.  I know there are people out there who don’t like me, but that doesn’t mean I need to let them stand in my way.  Although I seem fragile, I still try and fly even when someone man handles me and I lose the dust on my wings, I know what I am meant to be and that is what I will always try and be.

What creature are you?

Treat Hoarder

I have noticed that when my son finally possesses a coveted item, such as a marshmallow, rather than partake of his treat he holds it in his hand until my husband or I convince him to enjoy his treat.  I too am this way with things I enjoy.  I am one of those people who might buy a box of chocolates and only partake of small amounts on special occasions that I deem worthy of such a treat.  Sadly, many times I have forgotten I had the treat or it simply ruins before I to it.  Yet, still I have this intense desire to savor an item by tempting myself with it, telling myself I just might want or need it more on another day.  This means I do not enjoy the treat many days as I feel there is no reason to reward myself with such a thing and also this rejection give the treat this impossible standard that I am often disappointed when I do indulge in the item. 

My friend, when discussing this behavior with her, pointed out that this is a good life lesson.  How often do we, (meaning me) let life pass us by because we have unrealistic expectations of things in our life?  How often do we let life pass us by because we are too scared or preoccupied to just enjoy the moment?  I always regret and feel remiss when I discover a treat that could have been enjoyed that I missed out on.  I would hate to have any of those same regrets when looking back on my life.

Enjoy today.  You are here for a reason.  Live today as it is your life to live!

One Night

When his lips found min in the darkness, I felt the tentative pressure of his lips on mine.  I felt the concern.  I felt the longing.  I felt the lips of the man I married and not the lips of the stranger I have been living with this last year.  This glimpse gave me hope.  Hope that my insecurities were just insecurities and not some hidden truth.  Hope that there are more nights like this in our future.  Hope that the man I fell in love with and married is still inside the confused lost man I share my home with. 

I feel cheated that in the last year there have been only a couple of nights such as these when I was promised a lifetime, an eternity of nights like these.  I must remember however, that this was what I have and I should be thankful I at least have that one night as it is the diamond in the rough to encourage this process.  To remind me that this marriage is just that: something  of infinite value that just needs to be found and polished.

Dark Night

What is the point of being vocal about how I feel when no one hears?

I have struggled with depression for many years and for a long time I hid the pain and despair I constantly felt, deep within myself, tainting my experiences with that negativity.  I became aware of what I was doing and actively sought to be vocal about where I was at, what I was feeling and sharing my self-image with those around me..  I guess that just isn’t enough because the pain and negativity is only intensified when I share these raw, personal emotions only to be ignored.

It is not that I am ignored by everyone, just that I am ignored by the people I want most to hear me.  It hurts because it makes me feel as if I am not worth the time to be heard or worth the effort to be comforted or consoled, which is not what I am even searching for; just want to have a voice and for that voice to matter; there are these dark days though that I feel that this is not the case.

My depression is a compilation of all my insecurities and fears and when it takes over, that is all I am.  I am the fat girl, the naive girl, the selfish girl, the needy girl, the lonely girl, etc.  The mute girl who apparently can’t get the words out that need to be heard.

I don’t want your consolation or positive talk as I know this is a darker post.  I guess in writing this all I am looking for tonight is acknowledgement that I am not alone; that others feel just as powerless, ignored and conflicted as I do.  Don’t worry; I am sure this is just a hormone change and a dark night playing on my thoughts.  I will pick myself up ad I always do.  I just felt like sharing some of the raw.

Divine Nature

One reason I like my church is because we believe there is more to life than just worshiping God.  We believe that this life is a learning experience as we ourselves prepare to become higher deities as we continue to learn and grow.  Having said this, I have been thinking this morning about how we fail to value ourselves as a being with great potential.  Even if you do not believe as I do, I feel that we, especially women, tend to forget our potential as we get so caught up in what is expected of us here and now.

A very simple representation of this is when many young girls, and even us grown ones, refer to ourselves as a princess.  There is nothing wrong with seeing yourself as royalty because that is what we are, but why sell yourself short?  Why settle for princess when you can and should be queen?  Is it because we fail to see ourselves as worthy of this title, or we lack the desire to work for it?  I think in my life it is a little of both.

A queen is someone who stands as an example; someone who is looked up to and I know there are many traits and talents I lack that make me feel inadequate and unable to describe myself in this manner.  However, that doesn’t mean I can’t work on it.  I feel that in today’s society especially we have been devalued and often times only viewed as sexual objects when in reality we are co-creators with God in making human life.  This means we should respect our bodies and ourselves as we come to realize our potential within the confines of this life.  I need to work on having a positive body image as long as I am doing all I can to treat myself and my body as well as I can so that I can live up to the divinity within me.  Why must we feel the need to tear ourselves down, when there is so much of the outside world doing that for us already?  Remember who you are: a queen; a deity in training.

(Yes, this post was meant for me…sometimes I hear it better when I talk to myself J).