Last night Josh came over, played with the kids for about two hours and then left, before Dorian had fallen asleep all the way. I comforted him to sleep around 8:45. He then woke up screaming and crying at 10:15 asking for his dad, and why did his dad leave him, and his dad needed to come home. My mom and I tried to explain that dad chose to leave. Although dad did not live here anymore mom, mama Shea, and papa Greg did and e all loved him very much and we would never leave him. After about forty five minutes of calming and snuggling I finally got him back to sleep (in my bed). It kills me! It tears my soul in two to watch the destruction Josh's selfishness is having on our children. Although I am broken and hurt and dying over the rejection I would rather he abandon me a million times over than have to watch my children go through this because he has abandoned them too. Not once has he been over more then 3 times a week. A three and one year old don't understand that, especially when it is inconsistent. I beg and beg for Josh to either be all in or all out because he is confusing and hurting our children, but yet week after week, it always seems to go however Josh wants it to go, with promises of more visits and being a better dad and the children always left with disappointment.
Did I mention this stand up guy also has decided to move to Fountain (80 miles away) because his mistress wants to? He promises he will still commute to work (over a 2 hour drive one way) and promises he will still provide health care as he doesn't plan on loosing his job. He swears up and down he will still see the kids and I can't keep them from him.
How dare he?!!! Why is she more important than his children? The ONLY thing he contributes at all is the little bit of money we do get as well as the health care and he is risking it all for his own selfish desires and it makes me furious. I want to scream and cry and beat some sense into him because NOTHING is worth more than these two sweet miracles he has just tossed aside. My whole heart is heavy and grieves in agony as I know without a doubt his employment is ending soon and all I can do is pray he can keep his job long enough for me to get my surgery done as well as give me time to at least get me and the kids on Medicaid as he obviously cannot be trusted to follow through on anything.
I feel so helpless; so alone, so overwhelmed all due to his selfishness and I hurt so much that he would treat our kids with this injustice and care so little about their welfare. My heart turns against me, hating myself a little on nights like these that this is who I picked to be their father. We all have given everything we have had to him and loved him unceasingly and to have him treat us all with such little worth is insulting and degrading and hurtful to us all. Oh how I wish I could shield my babies from his stupidity and selfishness. He is not a father. He is nothing more than the man who walked away and it breaks me in two that my three year old has had to discover this.
Oh how I look forward to the day I will no longer be legally tied to this and finally be able to hope for a love that is pure and true and worthy of the three of us.
Tonight, I hate him with everything that I have.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Don't Judge Me: The Kiss
To preface this entry, I am sure this will all sound counter productive, but I feel it has propelled me into the next stage of moving on. After replaying this incident in my head for the last couple of days I have decided it is something I need to write about, so without over analyzing, here is what happened:
I kissed Josh. I asked fir him to kiss me, and we kissed; really kissed. I know how ridiculous this is, but I needed to know certain things. I leaned a lot.
I learned that while we are still married he has had a relationship (he claims her his girlfriend) with this other woman; and not only did he not prove any sort of fidelity to me, he also did not give it to her. Which, in all honesty, did make me feel a little better, knowing he was not offering her anything he had not offered me.
I also learned from the way his body and actions responded to our contact, that he is still physically attracted to me. This might seem vain, but with all the intimacy problems we had with his arousal while we were married I always feared he was disgusted by my weight, especially sine the woman he is now choosing to be with is younger and thinner. Being the stand up man that he is, he already made it clear to me that he found her more attractive, that the responses his body made were validation that I was attractive, even to him, the man who left me.
To elaborate this a little, I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever been in love with, making his opinion and actions more important than they probably should be. However, that is what it was: this kiss made me feel desired by him and it helped my self esteem and my state of mind as I saw more clearly what he had been telling me: none of this was my fault; it was all due to him.
Another thing I learned was how good and comfortable it all felt. It was a reminder that there were parts of our marriage that were real and that were good and while it may hurt too much now, it is still important to remember. Despite what it seems like now, not everything was bad.
This kiss, if only temporary, fought off the desperate loneliness that had been burdening my heart and served as a reminder that I had been loved at one point and I could be loved again.
This kiss also taught me a couple other things, including the fact that while he was kissing me, I couldn't help but wonder where his lips and tongue had been and it disgusted me thinking of the possibilities. This served as a very intimate reminder that this was not the married and that I deserved peace of mind when kissing someone rather than harboring disdain and disgust.
Another lesson was that we were both very aware of boundaries and just how far and where the kiss could progress and it saddened me to the very center of my soul that this is something I even had to contemplate while kissing my husband. yet another stark reminder that this man was unfaithful and unworthy of all I had at one time given so bountifully.
Once again, I know it is an odd way to come to all these conclusions and I am very aware how many friends and family members would be against it, but it was the closure I needed for the time being and I now no longer desire to be on his lips or in his arms as I know first hand it is nothing more that kissing a stranger with a familiar touch.
I kissed Josh. I asked fir him to kiss me, and we kissed; really kissed. I know how ridiculous this is, but I needed to know certain things. I leaned a lot.
I learned that while we are still married he has had a relationship (he claims her his girlfriend) with this other woman; and not only did he not prove any sort of fidelity to me, he also did not give it to her. Which, in all honesty, did make me feel a little better, knowing he was not offering her anything he had not offered me.
I also learned from the way his body and actions responded to our contact, that he is still physically attracted to me. This might seem vain, but with all the intimacy problems we had with his arousal while we were married I always feared he was disgusted by my weight, especially sine the woman he is now choosing to be with is younger and thinner. Being the stand up man that he is, he already made it clear to me that he found her more attractive, that the responses his body made were validation that I was attractive, even to him, the man who left me.
To elaborate this a little, I can honestly say he is the only person I have ever been in love with, making his opinion and actions more important than they probably should be. However, that is what it was: this kiss made me feel desired by him and it helped my self esteem and my state of mind as I saw more clearly what he had been telling me: none of this was my fault; it was all due to him.
Another thing I learned was how good and comfortable it all felt. It was a reminder that there were parts of our marriage that were real and that were good and while it may hurt too much now, it is still important to remember. Despite what it seems like now, not everything was bad.
This kiss, if only temporary, fought off the desperate loneliness that had been burdening my heart and served as a reminder that I had been loved at one point and I could be loved again.
This kiss also taught me a couple other things, including the fact that while he was kissing me, I couldn't help but wonder where his lips and tongue had been and it disgusted me thinking of the possibilities. This served as a very intimate reminder that this was not the married and that I deserved peace of mind when kissing someone rather than harboring disdain and disgust.
Another lesson was that we were both very aware of boundaries and just how far and where the kiss could progress and it saddened me to the very center of my soul that this is something I even had to contemplate while kissing my husband. yet another stark reminder that this man was unfaithful and unworthy of all I had at one time given so bountifully.
Once again, I know it is an odd way to come to all these conclusions and I am very aware how many friends and family members would be against it, but it was the closure I needed for the time being and I now no longer desire to be on his lips or in his arms as I know first hand it is nothing more that kissing a stranger with a familiar touch.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Emotional vomit in the form of rushed poetry
What use are wings to a flightless bird,
A promise of hope, yet held back?
or a world of beautiful color-
to a dog who sees only white and black.
Push upon the boulder-
yet the boulder never moves.
A test, a trial:
all for one to prove?
Shed these chains and limitations.
Let my feet move free!
Until that blessed moment,
I will never be more than what I be.
Demons drag, the past haunts,
and anger fills my soul.
How else can it be;
when we never cam be whole?
Always a trial, a new step to take,
and we simply label it: life.
yet in reality it is a curse.
A never ending bout of strife.
Yes, we grow, some even come off conquer.
Others, slowly fall, lost to the pain.
Just set me free, I have no more,
when the fight is more than the gain.
Dark, Despair, Sorrow too,
follow me around.
Yet deep inside, this broken heart,
I Do know there is solid ground.
The gain, my salvation.
Priceless when I prove myself true.
yet, how, how and I to achieve this,
when I can't seem to get over you?
Forgiveness? Compassion?
None of these have you earned.
Still, my heart whispers-
This is the lesson to learn.
So go your way, away from me,
and I will conquer still.
because despite what you took from me,
I will always have my will.
Maybe one day I can wish you happiness,
but today is not that day.
Instead I pray for y our soul,
That you may feel and then pay.
Feel the destruction that you left in your wake;
let it seep, burning into your heart
That from this. we might both learn and fix
In hopes of earning a new start.
A promise of hope, yet held back?
or a world of beautiful color-
to a dog who sees only white and black.
Push upon the boulder-
yet the boulder never moves.
A test, a trial:
all for one to prove?
Shed these chains and limitations.
Let my feet move free!
Until that blessed moment,
I will never be more than what I be.
Demons drag, the past haunts,
and anger fills my soul.
How else can it be;
when we never cam be whole?
Always a trial, a new step to take,
and we simply label it: life.
yet in reality it is a curse.
A never ending bout of strife.
Yes, we grow, some even come off conquer.
Others, slowly fall, lost to the pain.
Just set me free, I have no more,
when the fight is more than the gain.
Dark, Despair, Sorrow too,
follow me around.
Yet deep inside, this broken heart,
I Do know there is solid ground.
The gain, my salvation.
Priceless when I prove myself true.
yet, how, how and I to achieve this,
when I can't seem to get over you?
Forgiveness? Compassion?
None of these have you earned.
Still, my heart whispers-
This is the lesson to learn.
So go your way, away from me,
and I will conquer still.
because despite what you took from me,
I will always have my will.
Maybe one day I can wish you happiness,
but today is not that day.
Instead I pray for y our soul,
That you may feel and then pay.
Feel the destruction that you left in your wake;
let it seep, burning into your heart
That from this. we might both learn and fix
In hopes of earning a new start.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
ME
Tonight I went out and treated myself. I spent $100 on myself and I cannot even tell you the last time I indulged like that. As I am now down another pant size (went from 18 to 14 now) I bought a new pair of jeans, a new pair of workout clothes, new eye shadow and new eye liner. I feel good. I feel attractive. I feel like more than just a mom.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Oh and I was hired to make another cake for Dec14, so things are certainly keeping me busy. What a blessing to not advertise and have friends come to me to allow me to use my talents and to help buffer the little income I am receiving from Josh.
Met with a lawyer and went over divorce paperwork, she was impressed with how much I had done and that it was done correctly. she gave me some great advice on what was needed to be finished and other tools I was not aware of. It was such a relief as I am close to having things set up that as soon as my breast reduction is done this should hopefully be a smooth process. Josh and I even went over custody and decision making and he gave it ALL to me. This is exactly what I wanted, but was also sad to see how easily it is for him to just walk away from his children. So it was a blessing, but one that also broke my heart.
All of my friends out there and all of you reading this; you are what is helping support me and keep me positive through all of this. It is easier to move on knowing I have the support I do as well as having people to make me accountable and love me. What a blessing to know I am not alone. I love you all. I know this is rushed, but duties of a single mom call.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Hello, did you miss me?
Today I found a part of myself I forgot about. It is interesting to me that as I shed the pounds and let go of the seven years of marriage that has been weighing so heavy on me, how I start to see this new, and yet familiar Cherish I thought died in the car accident. I am still struggling to find her and unbury her from all the weight and faces she has hid behind for comforts sake for so long, but I am finding her.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
I am not sure how many of you know how athletic I was as a child. I did dance, gymnastics, soccer, swimming, diving, softball. I was always physically active, up until my senior year of high school when I was pushing to get into the collage I want and focused more on academics than athletics. Sadly, the year after that I was in the car accident that broke my back that seemed to make a lot of that physical endurance impossible. Today though, I know it is possible. Today I ran two miles straight in 25 min. Oh and did I mention I am down another 4 pounds, putting me at 166. Why yes, that means I have lost 24 pounds since June. It feels good! I go to the gym EVERY day. I do that for me. I dress and put on make up and feel good for ME. I am finding confidence slowly that I buried under love, expectations and experiences.
It has been more than just a blessing to have reconnected with an old friend who knew this "other" Cherish. It has been helpful as it is obvious he stills sees parts of that person I thought was lost with age, time, or life. He is a string believer in be what you want to be and I am continually surprised at how much I threw away or discarded as being naïve or youthful, outgrown or petty when in reality they were part of the backbone of who I was and what I wanted to be. I feel happy to find these gyms within myself and sad that they have been lost for so long.
I am feeling more powerful. A person with purpose. Sadly, something else I gave away to be "in love" and this powerful, purposeful person, although scared and overwhelmed at times, is getting things done. I met with a lawyer tonight to review the divorce paperwork I have been working on and am feeling really good. She mentioned a couple times how impressed she was at how far into the paperwork I was and how I had what was needed and gave me some great help and advice as I prepare to file without an attorney. Things are lining up. I am being blessed and I am finding the strength and support I need, even on those days I feel I cannot take another minute.
I cannot wait to get to the point where Josh won't even recognize me because of all the shine.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
2 Years
I just didn't have the heart to post last night, but last night two years ago is when I lost everything in my life except my son. Hard to believe it has been two years since the fire and yet still many a day I still feel like I am quaking at all that was stripped from me. It is like a black line that marks my timeline as now I refer to things as before the fire, or after the fire. It is frustrating as well, as even two years later I can see an item I know I had and spend hours looking for said item, until I remember it was a pre fire item.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
It is all just so frustrating as you can imagine after the fire I was devastated and clawing myself out of this dark hole of despair, keeping faith, holding on, starting over; and now, two years later, I am doing the same stupid thing! hour by hour, day by day, pooling my strength, fighting to dig deep, endure everything just a little bit longer in the hopes that maybe tomorrow things will get better. Two years later, a whole two years of trying to start over and basically, it was two years of failed starts as I was attached to weight that would not let me get to safe ground. I have been treading water for two long years and I am exhausted!!!! However, I finally am letting go of this weight and for the first time in a long time I can see the shore line. Oh how beautiful it looks to no longer be pulled down. To be able to breath, without choking down water and fighting for my life every darn day. It is still a fight at the moment though.
Here is what my shoreline includes though. Here is my hope to no longer tread, but to swim:
*breast reduction
*possible eye correction surgery
*weight loss
*loving myself
*confidence
*growth
*freedom
*direction
*hope for a new relationship
Basically a new, happy, confident, loving Cherish that has more to give because of the muscle mass, endurance and strength gained from the two years of treading. When I can rest and breath, imagine all that I can and will do not only for me, but those I love.
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