Today it struck me: I have been in Colorado for a year now. Wow. What a year! I can't help but think back tot he lonely, lost, scared, abused person I was then and look and see just how much happier I am now. This year was pure hell, but then again, growth hurts, yet, I am so much better off for it all. I wish I could have had the eternity and promises I was made, but it is clear that was not going to happen, so I am blessed in ridding myself of the anchors that have been holding me down for so long. Here is to continued growth, happiness and hope for the next year!
must watch and listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7iIVevGmo
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wowsers
So it seems I have made a bit if a commotion. Let me clarify a few points. My children are 1 and 3 they are not capable of reading my blog and I post to my blog as relief. I am putting together the memoir for them to show how and why I loved their father and how and why it ended. The things I vent on here are not at all things I share or discuss in front of my children. They are half of their father and he possesses good qualities that I hope they inherit. I never keep my kids from their father although I am not obligated to give him any time with them.
I do not appreciate being accosted by anyone about what I post, but everyone is welcome to their own opinion, although I want to try and eliviate the anger if possible which is why I try and respond and hopefully defuse the situation. For those of you who care I have been in contact with Tasha today and according to her, she has been lied to as well. To be frank, my faith and trust in either her or josh is low, based on what I have seen, but my whole goal is to be done with it all. The man I married was a good and decent man and I will always make it a priority to let my kids know that man, if only through memory. I am sorry if any of my post have gotten too negative for anyone, but as stated in my last post, I will blog what I feel as that is very cathartic for me. I will not be making my blog private and I will not censor my emotions as this has always been for me. I appreciate support and comments, but only when they help me move on. I do not begrudge anyone, but that does not mean I have to like or trust anyone either. Having said that, I hope you continue to follow with me as I continue to leave my past with josh in the past and move on as I date.
I do not appreciate being accosted by anyone about what I post, but everyone is welcome to their own opinion, although I want to try and eliviate the anger if possible which is why I try and respond and hopefully defuse the situation. For those of you who care I have been in contact with Tasha today and according to her, she has been lied to as well. To be frank, my faith and trust in either her or josh is low, based on what I have seen, but my whole goal is to be done with it all. The man I married was a good and decent man and I will always make it a priority to let my kids know that man, if only through memory. I am sorry if any of my post have gotten too negative for anyone, but as stated in my last post, I will blog what I feel as that is very cathartic for me. I will not be making my blog private and I will not censor my emotions as this has always been for me. I appreciate support and comments, but only when they help me move on. I do not begrudge anyone, but that does not mean I have to like or trust anyone either. Having said that, I hope you continue to follow with me as I continue to leave my past with josh in the past and move on as I date.
My blog!
This is not a public forum, this is my blog and my journal as it has been for the last four years. If you do not like what I have to say, don't read it! Imagine that! Unlike josh, I am nit posting hate for everyone to read. You actually have to look me up to get to this blog which is supposed to be read by my friends. I will post the emotions I am having as I always have. I find is disgusting that Josh's fling and her family feel the need to read everything I write. I am well aware my marriage was not in good shape even before she spread her legs to him, but that act was disrespectful to me and my entire family. True character would have had her wait until josh was man enough to ask for a divorce. As for the comment that was left and that I deleted. You are right, people do change and she is just as much a child of God as me or anyone else and I am working on forgiveness, but that is awfully hard when I get nasty messages from josh and other aspects of my life that she is involved in. This is how I have always aired my emotions to get them out and let them go and you all are only fueling my anger by attacking me as if she were the victim in this. If she really wanted to be my friend she could have talked to me long ago rather than lying to me about her relationship with josh and promising to back off and give us the space we needed. I am very aware of what josh initiated, but she needs to take responsibility to. Just as I have. I made mistakes in my marriage and I am not a perfect person, so let me try and be the best person I can without your constant interfearance. I am allowed to be hurt and th things I have said are how I see the truth on my end, which may or may not be fair, but give me the opportunity to say my piece. I could have said a lot meaner things, bullying would be calling her a whore or worse, but how is me saying she used to use drugs in high school and sleeping with a married man abuse when it is fact? Bullying is harassing me when all I want is to move on and I do that by letting go of all this anger and hurt you all keep perpetuating! Don't like what I have to say? Then stop reading my blog!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Blocked
wow guys. Just wow. Well it has finally gotten to the point that I had to block Josh on Facebook. This blow up started because of the blog post "Ex In-laws" that I posted a couple of days ago. However. rather than talking to me or asking me nicely, I got a lovely text with about 20 (no exaggeration) F words in it. So, I would like to make a retraction. I should not have shared Josh's mental state in my blog, although I would like to clarify it was based on his behavior with me rather than any sort of counseling sessions I was privy to. He was also very upset about what I posted about Tasha, but I will retract none of that. I still feel she is trash. You know I am very aware Josh developed a relationship with her, but my issue was she knew he was married and chose to peruse the relationship while he was married and was comfortable with him sleeping with her and then coming home and sleeping with me. I am sorry, but that is not a person I like or respect. There was deceit and from what I know of her drug using past, I have a fairly well balanced view and opinion that I do not like her, or trust her to be near my children.
Anyway, rather than talking to me, Josh flipped and went on a posting tirade on a posting tirade on Facebook once again slandering and defaming me, as you know, all his unhappiness is still my fault. oh well. Basically, he is now blocked and I am sorry any of you might have had to witness his anger.
Anyway, rather than talking to me, Josh flipped and went on a posting tirade on a posting tirade on Facebook once again slandering and defaming me, as you know, all his unhappiness is still my fault. oh well. Basically, he is now blocked and I am sorry any of you might have had to witness his anger.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Memorial Day
Memorial Day is about remembering service members who gave their life to help protect the freedoms we have. While reflecting on this day there are several thoughts that come to mind that I would like to share. Unfortunately, in this country, we are aware of our military, but very disconnected. I admit I was very much this way. Oblivious to the lifestyle, wars, politics and sacrifices our service members encounter daily. Then I became an Army wife. Suddenly, every sacrifice Josh made, I suddenly was attached to.
I value, honor and respect the men and women who have given their lives for this country and to me the word heroic doesn't say enough as they made our freedoms their duty. However, it is who they leave behind who suffers daily. Believe me these fallen soldiers deserve all of our respect, but so do their families. There was a sister in my ward who's husband deployed with Josh back in 2010. This sister was sweet and caring and often reached out to me. asking about my pregnancy while I struggled with bed rest. She had four children, the youngest no older than three. Sadly, her husband was one of those brave men who gave his life for our freedoms. There are thousands of stories like these that are forgotten or never told, so as you pray and thank the service members who gave their life, pray for thanks and strength for the family they left behind.
Now, on a more personal note, I want to share how this day personally affects me. As you are well aware my marriage deteriorated after Josh joined the Army and although there were other factors involved, I still feel as though it was during his deployment that I lost him. Although Josh's person returned home with new scars and stories, the man I married, did not. For months, then years we discussed PTSD and counseling but to no avail. You cannot help those who do not want to be helped. In the end I lost my spouse, my dreams for the future and all the promises that had been made to me. I lost the Josh I married, and while today is about honoring the dead, the memory of that man remains in my heart as I honor who he was as he truly died in combat as well.
I value, honor and respect the men and women who have given their lives for this country and to me the word heroic doesn't say enough as they made our freedoms their duty. However, it is who they leave behind who suffers daily. Believe me these fallen soldiers deserve all of our respect, but so do their families. There was a sister in my ward who's husband deployed with Josh back in 2010. This sister was sweet and caring and often reached out to me. asking about my pregnancy while I struggled with bed rest. She had four children, the youngest no older than three. Sadly, her husband was one of those brave men who gave his life for our freedoms. There are thousands of stories like these that are forgotten or never told, so as you pray and thank the service members who gave their life, pray for thanks and strength for the family they left behind.
Now, on a more personal note, I want to share how this day personally affects me. As you are well aware my marriage deteriorated after Josh joined the Army and although there were other factors involved, I still feel as though it was during his deployment that I lost him. Although Josh's person returned home with new scars and stories, the man I married, did not. For months, then years we discussed PTSD and counseling but to no avail. You cannot help those who do not want to be helped. In the end I lost my spouse, my dreams for the future and all the promises that had been made to me. I lost the Josh I married, and while today is about honoring the dead, the memory of that man remains in my heart as I honor who he was as he truly died in combat as well.
Monday, May 19, 2014
My Fault
My fault, he points, blames.
My fault, words take their aim.
His unhappiness, his choices and displeasure,
all My fault,
Every measure!
I determine the dad he can be?
My fault.
How dare I, attempt to be me.
My fault.
New day, new life.
Starting over; no longer his wife.
My fault, his infidelity
Now he is free,
Yet still not happy.
My fault, words take their aim.
His unhappiness, his choices and displeasure,
all My fault,
Every measure!
I determine the dad he can be?
My fault.
How dare I, attempt to be me.
My fault.
New day, new life.
Starting over; no longer his wife.
My fault, his infidelity
Now he is free,
Yet still not happy.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
clarification
I have such dedicated readers! Thank you all for your interest in my story and the time you take to reply. Due to a comment and to the known new readers I have acquired, I felt I needed to add some clarification about my memoir.
Ironically, I started my memoir as I originally intended it to be an anniversary gift to Josh as it was to be "our story" however, the more I began writing, the more my voice came out and this little project turned into the dream I now have: to hopefully one day have it published. The more I have written, the more emotionally connected to it I have become. As I have passed through many of the difficult trials I have read about, I often put tears and words to paper, finally giving voice to t he emotions I wanted someone, anyone to hear. Basically, writing this memoir is nothing short of therapy for me. As I go back to remember detail and put an image to the life I have lived, I relive the emotions I felt and to be honest in who I am and in my voice, I make sure and put down every mean thought, every hurt feeling, all the details as I relive my experiences so that I can put them in the past where they belong. Seeing as where I am at in my memoir I know people are concerned about me and I value that so much, but the events and emotions I am writing about are now two years past and would like to reassure my readers that I have had my conclusion and I am happy despite the mood and tone of the chapters. This project is to resolve left over emotions and to hopefully provide a chronicle for my children as to why I married and divorced their father.
Please remember this as well: this story is only from my point of view, not from Josh's. And like everything else, there are two sides to every story. My intention is not to paint anyone badly, but to allow you the opportunity to live my life chapter by chapter until hopefully I can find a fitting conclusion and end this era of my life. I love you all and still have the goal to try and get caught up (to present time) within the next two months, so you comments keep me encouraged to meet that goal. Hugs to you all!
Ironically, I started my memoir as I originally intended it to be an anniversary gift to Josh as it was to be "our story" however, the more I began writing, the more my voice came out and this little project turned into the dream I now have: to hopefully one day have it published. The more I have written, the more emotionally connected to it I have become. As I have passed through many of the difficult trials I have read about, I often put tears and words to paper, finally giving voice to t he emotions I wanted someone, anyone to hear. Basically, writing this memoir is nothing short of therapy for me. As I go back to remember detail and put an image to the life I have lived, I relive the emotions I felt and to be honest in who I am and in my voice, I make sure and put down every mean thought, every hurt feeling, all the details as I relive my experiences so that I can put them in the past where they belong. Seeing as where I am at in my memoir I know people are concerned about me and I value that so much, but the events and emotions I am writing about are now two years past and would like to reassure my readers that I have had my conclusion and I am happy despite the mood and tone of the chapters. This project is to resolve left over emotions and to hopefully provide a chronicle for my children as to why I married and divorced their father.
Please remember this as well: this story is only from my point of view, not from Josh's. And like everything else, there are two sides to every story. My intention is not to paint anyone badly, but to allow you the opportunity to live my life chapter by chapter until hopefully I can find a fitting conclusion and end this era of my life. I love you all and still have the goal to try and get caught up (to present time) within the next two months, so you comments keep me encouraged to meet that goal. Hugs to you all!
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