Living Water

So we are aware of the symbol of Christ being the living water.  All through the scriptures Christ is referred to as the living water and in and through him you can drink and never thirst.  While reading Isaiah 43:2 the parable his me in a new light.  Here is the scripture:

“When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee”

Now bare with me as I dissect this, to show you how I got my “ah ha” moment. So, “when thou passest through the waters” what came to my mind was baptism.  When baptized by immersion we are literally submerged in water to cleanse ourselves in a physical way to also represent the cleansing of our soul through the atonement of Christ as we covenant to take his name upon ourselves. Going back to the scripture we then get the promise, “I will be with thee.” Now, going back to Christ being the living water, it makes sense that it is only through baptism, when we are immersing ourselves in water and taking his name upon us.  If the word and doctrine of God, going back to the scripture we can interpret that when we are being told, “and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee” it can possibly be stating that the word of God is endless and that he will continually pour (yes, anther water imagery) out his blessing upon us, and while sometimes we can be overwhelmed in all we know, (as with great knowledge come great responsibility), it will not “overflow” us. Now this next part is the part that touched my heart as there is never any coincidences in the doctrine of the Lord.  “when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee” Now as we know, a lot of Isaiah is a caution and waning for not only the people of his time, but also the people of the latter days (yes, that means us). He warns contently of the second Coming when Christ comes once again to cleans and regain the righteous and just upon and within the earth. As many of you know the earth will be cleansed by fire, eliminating and purging the word of wickedness trough flame.  So think how beautifully this coincides with Christ, our living water.  If we immerse ourselves in his water, and continually flow through him, preparing ourselves for his second coming, if we are essentially wet with Christ, how then could the fire touch us? Isn’t that a beautiful visual?! So let the burning commence as I will not fear as I have the promise “thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee”

Where am I at?

How are you doing? I hate that question. 
because when people ask, they don't really want to know.
sure they will maybe listen, but someone who doesn't know me or my situation very well, doesn't care to hear that I feel like I am falling apart.
Howa are you doing?
surviving.
always surviving.
I feel stuck. Stuck as a single mom. Stuck living in my parent's house, although a blessing, is still not a space of my own.  Stuck in my relationships that have potential, but aren't moving anywhere. Stuck in my circumstance of depending on my ex husband for his child support in order to live. stuck.
I am doing everything I am supposed to.  I read and study my scriptures every day.  I learn new thing sand feel the spirit, but as soon as I have to stop and return to my life, back some the cold heart, heavy burdened, responsibilities that weight on me, making me feel helpless despite my hope for a better life and a crown of glory when my Lord and Savior returns.  I pray, I attend church, I magnify my calling. I do it all, yet still I feel mediocre and stuck. sad. lonely.
There are a plethora of scripture with the command: "endure to the end"
I am trying.
I am enduring, but should I not also be happy?
where do I find the happy?
I am not mad, angry, hopeless, or destitute, just in the middle somewhere, hopeful, yet depleted.
push harder?
reorganize priorities?
set goals?
done it all.
stuck.

The Worth of the World

                “The Lord Himself, the Master Teacher, in His own teaching to His disciples taught constantly in parables, a verbal way to represent symbolically things that otherwise be difficult to understand” (Packer, 1996).  As we know, the savior during his ministry in life and through the prophets teaches most commonly and most affectively with parables and symbols.  This is why when one diligently reads and searches the scriptures they find a specific theme or meaning that is taught to them through their study, yet when they reread the same scriptures at a later time, the theme or message or knowledge seems to change.  This is the beauty of symbolism as it has a depth of meaning simple words cannot contain.  “Teaching of the gospel oftentimes is so difficult [because] ideals in the gospel are such intangible things as faith, repentance, love, humility, reverence, obedience, modesty, and so forth.  The dimensions of size and shape and color and texture do not serve us here” (Packer, 1996).  Meaning most if not all gospel truths contain an importance and understand well beyond what is stated at face value as truly there are not words of power in accordance with the message being portrayed; yet, this lack of knowledge on our part is not kept from us due to our shortcomings or weaknesses.  Instead, the Lord has equipped us with the light of Christ and to those baptized within the church, the gift of the Holy Ghost to testify the feelings of light and truth when understanding comes into our minds despite the lack of words to express said enlightenment.   This is exactly why the Savior generously teaches in parables and symbols and it is no different in today’s time than it was in the days of Moses.  Think back to Moses when animal sacrifice was introduced.  Do you really feel the Lord needed the blood of animals upon his alters? We have been taught and can see through the act that this too was a symbol.  The people were to recognize the hand of God in their increase.  They were to recognize the power of God in their sin and failures and to turn to him in this symbol.  As these people offered up their animal sacrifices, they were preparing themselves and the world with the truth and knowledge that the Savior would come and offer his blood in order to atone and save them. 

The great things about symbols are that there is no end to their meaning.  We cannot even comprehend the knowledge and the information within this world, let alone the truths beyond our knowledge.  Yet, as members, we are promised this gift of knowledge and power as we seek for understanding through these symbols.  “As we grow and mature and learn from all of the experiences in life, the truths demonstrated in the temple [and in the gospel] in symbolic fashion take on a renewed meaning.  The veil is drawn back a little bit more. Our knowledge and vision of the eternities expands. It is always refreshing” (Packer, 1996).  What a promise to know that the more we search these parables and symbols, the more we are promised to understand, resulting in a closer relationship with Christ as we search to align ourselves with his light and his truth.

Now, having hit on why the Lord teaches in symbols, I hope it opened up the possibilities of what is out there to learn and what we have to offer to each other.  Having gotten my BA in English Literature, I often find symbols with a critical eye and am excited to share what I have learned recently.  That means, this is not church doctrine.  This is my research within my scriptures and other books that led me to this idea which makes me praise my Lord and the love he has for me. 

While reading section 88 of the Doctrine and Covenants, several verses came to my attention:

17 And the redemption of the soul is through him that quickeneth all things, in whose bosom it is decreed that the poor and the meek of the earth shall inherit it.

18 Therefore, it must needs be sanctified from all unrighteousness, that it may be prepared for the celestial glory;

19 For after it hath filled the measure of its creation, it shall be crowned with glory, even with the presence of God the Father;

20 That bodies who are of the celestial kingdom may possess it forever and ever; for, for this intent was it made and created, and for this intent are they sanctified.

So in verse 17 we learn of the human souls that are being resurrected and how the meek and the righteous shall inherit the Earth (also seen in Matthew 5:5). Then in 18-20 we learn that the Earth will be “crowned with glory” and be “sanctified” that it might become the Celestial Kingdom (Heaven).  Although the spirit spoke of the truth in this, it was not new information to me. I continued reading:

25 And again, verily I say unto you, the earth abideth the law of a celestial kingdom, for it filleth the measure of its creation, and transgresseth not the law—

26 Wherefore, it shall be sanctified; yea, notwithstanding it shall die, it shall be quickened again, and shall abide the power by which it is quickened, and the righteous shall inherit it.

 27 For notwithstanding they die, they also shall rise again, a spiritual body.

 28 They who are of a celestial spirit shall receive the same body which was a natural body; even ye shall receive your bodies, and your glory shall be that glory by which your bodies are quickened.

29 Ye who are quickened by a portion of the celestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

Verse 25 states that because the earth abided the law of God and fulfilled its creation, it will be crowned with Glory.  It talks of the death of the Earth at the second coming of Christ and its renewal to be magnified as a Celestial glory.  I was a little amazed at how many scriptures were included about the Earth and questioned why when I began to see that the earth, although being spoken about literally, as it will literally become the Celestial Kingdom, is also a symbol for ourselves.

                Just as God created our spirits, so did he create the Earth.  Just as we are made of a spirit and a body, so is the earth: Spirit/body, Earth/world.  Just as we are baptized and cleansed, so was the Earth during the flood: baptism by immersion vs. the earth being completely submerged! Just as we are to fulfill our mission on Earth to nurture, grow and support one another, so has our Mother Earth.  Just as we will die and be resurrected, changed and perfected in a spiritual glory, so will the Earth as seen in the verses above and as seen in 2 Peter:

11 Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation and godliness,

12 Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat?

13 Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness.

Just as we are to reside in Holy Places, so has the earth. In the bible it is clear that mountains are synonymous with temples and there are several instances in the bible where Moses and Joshua commune with the Lord.  “When the Lord told Moses and Joshua to remove their shoes as they were on Holy ground, perhaps it was not so much the ground itself as it was the nature of the interview that sanctified it” (Packer, 1996). So like the earth, our bodies are temples and we sanctify them through our communion with Jesus Christ.

This symbol of our glory in connection with the Earth was a welcome answer to my supplications to the Lord.  Having recently gone through a divorce in which my husband left me, you can see how I would question my self worth, my value and my importance.  I am very aware that this is a tool of the devil, belittling my birthright as a Daughter of God and a Heavenly Queen, but that doesn’t make it any easier to resist the damaging and belittling thoughts that cancerously, eat away at me.   However, look at this symbol.  How often in common vernacular do you hear people say, I would give you the world if I could, or you are worth more than the world.  Yet, while applying these scriptures we see that our Lord and Heavenly Father has done just that! He has given us this living oracle.  And, at the same time, has given us the same promise.  Our Father in Heaven finds the Earth, in her glory, important enough to challenge, purge, beautify and glorify.  And our Father in Heaven feels the exact same love and potential in me and in you.  To think that I am as important as a world, as a kingdom and that I hold the right to the same blessings and privileges. I am thankful for this answer.  I am thankful that the Lord teaches in truth and in symbols that I can find sacred meaning and importance each and every day I seek to be more like him.

 

Works Cited

Packer, B. K. (1996). You May Claim the Blessings Of the Holy Temple. Salt Lake City: Publishers Press.

Falling Apart

I can officially say that the injections have not worked.  My pain is no better than usual and in fact it seems to have almost made it worse at times having the extra pressure in my back.  Needless to say I am disheartened and dejected.  It feels impossible.  The once neurosurgeon I have that takes Medicaid, doesn't want to do surgery and has already written me off, but doesn't this prove that my pain isn't coming from my joints or the wear and tare of my hardware.  Doesn't this prove there is something else wrong?  Sadly, my back has been getting worse since I got here to Colorado and I don't know of it is because of how active I am now, at the gym and working out, that I am possibly adding to the pain, or it something has happened within my back making it worse, or it is possible the severe pressure changes as the weather changes so rapidly; an occurrence I didn't encounter in TN.  So what do I do? Push for a surgery someone doesn't want to preform and hope they do an adequate job or hope that maybe someday I can be married and provided for again so that I can have insurance to finally fix the pain.  I feel so alone and so lost in all of this.  I feel so stuck and discouraged and frankly feeling sorry for myself.
I was promised an eternity of love and support, but Josh is currently in the hospital with his fiancé waiting for the birth of their baby while I am here trying as best I can to raise my 4 and 2 year old while still dealing with all of this.  I am blessed and grateful that at least I have Medicaid, otherwise I can't even imagine the debt and life I would be struggling with, but where is the life I was promised?
It is all so hard and my faith must not be strong enough, because I doubt the strength I am given, questioning if it is enough.
I am trying my very best every day.  Every day I try to be the best mom I can be,.  The best person I can be. The best daughter and house guest I can be and have even been trying to serve more in hopes of finding happiness, but I still fall short. Always I fall short.
yet, as I write this sobbing, my 4 year old came in, saying he heard me crying and wanted to come give me love.  so now my little man is in my lap and in my arms giving me hugs and kisses; telling me he loves me and he wants me.  How selfish am I? I am so grateful for this, my angels. and God does know what I need.  I hate falling apart in front of him, but he doesn't care; he just wants to share his love and his happiness and it is working.

Psalms

While reading psalms I have noticed the major themes seem to be these:

1. Gratitude for the Lord's mercy        
2. Admonition to trust in the Lord       
3. Supplication and pleading for the Lord's divine strength and mercy.

These themes rotate in a circular fashion. Gratitude for blessings ----> leads to trust in the Lord -----> which leads to confidence for seeking his divine power ----> to them once again being grateful for the Lord's mercy!

In today's society, we rely in the building up of the individual rather than working together as a family, community, town, or country as we did in days past. 
Power beyond an individual such as God, education, experience, etc is now all attributed to self and to the individual, demeaning the forces working upon the individual.
Yet, despite this focus on self, we see increasingly, new staggering numbers of those struggling with depression and low self-esteem.  If we are all so focused on building up ourselves, why them are so many so unhappy?
With this neglect in acknowledging God and all he does to supplicate our lives, we quickly listen to the enticing's of the evil one, believing nothing will ever bee good enough as we lose hope for what we really are: Gods and Goddesses!
With the evil one more present in our ear we forget the warnings and promises found in the scriptures. Namely, that when we deny the law of chastity (a villainous rampage these days) then we are sinning against our divine potential and therefore sinning against ourselves.  This lack of self esteem comes from the loss of the Holy Ghost and the dimming of the Light of Christ that we have within us when we choose misguided actions that take us farther from the one person who can help us feel and recognize true love for ourselves and others!  If only we learned to thank our Father for the gifts that support and enlighten us! To stand together as saints and believers in Christ as one, in the support of a throng of brothers and sisters!
Oh that we remembered the priorities of the psalmists.  How if we only but remembered to thank our God and to turn to him in our need, how there would be a complete revolution resulting in lasting happiness!
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well" - Psalm 139:14

update

I know it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, but life hasn't given me the time. 
Forgive me if this turns more into an outline rather than the emotional state of being I am at, but it has been a long day, but felt the need to share my circumstances. 

For beginners Josh and his fiancé are expecting their first child together either late this month or early next month. 

My sister's husband is currently dying of cancer.  He is stage four melanoma cancer and it is growing inside of his lungs.  Due to the treatments and many hospital trips, my mother and I have been watching her 5, 3, and 2 year old along with my 4 and 2 year old.  So five kids five and under is easily understood to be exhausting as they clearly understand their dad is sick.  I am blessed I have a way to help out in any way and are currently on week four of this arrangement. 

As you all know I was involved in a car accident 10 years ago.  I broke my back; I had four pounds worth of metal put in my back.  The pain never left. "Give it time" they said.  "Let it heal" they said.  "Lose some weight;" "get a breast reduction;" "wear custom orthotics" and yet, nothing healed.  Nothing got better.  Since January of last year I have seem a chiropractor, a doctor, a neurosurgeon and endured x-rays, MRI, Cat scan and today an injection.  I have learned that most likely nine years ago, a screw broke, so that my lower back never healed properly.  I have confirmed nerve damage in which there is no repair.  In other words, over the last nine to ten years, I have genuinely been broken.  There is confirmed swelling in my spinal joints that are beginning to look arthritic so the injections I received today are to help see if they give any relief to see if that might be the cause of my pain or if the screw will need to be removed or replaced, although being Medicaid, my neurosurgeon already made clear it was an option he didn't want to do.  I am to give the injection at least five days to see if there is improvement, but so far, I am in more pain than on a normal day.

 

 

 

 

My son is very sharp and yearns to learn, but misses the deadline to start kindergarten this coming year that I am also beginning the process to try and get him in early enrollment. 

I love my calling at church, but is keeping me busy as is my person scripture study and institute class.  I am ironically at the very end of my rope, feeling life is unfair, I am overwhelmed and exhausted, hurting emotionally and physically, weighed down by all I feel I need to do; yet, I trust the Lord and put my life in his hands.  I somehow survive each day and am still able to recognize that while life is hard, I am happier than I was two years ago. 

I am currently dating Matt still and still see the parts of myself that need to continue healing, but am also now finally seeing the parts that have healed.  I am truly seeking the Lord diligently, especially in this area, to guide me in my choices and keep coming back to Matt and the love I have for him.  I wish I didn't feel so broken emotionally and especially physically, but the Lord is on my side.  I know for years, I used this blog to post about my life and garnered support and understand through my posts, but I feel most things like that are now reserved for my personal diary.  I have been doing a lucrative amount of study on the Bible, the Book of Mormon and other church literature, that I debating on once again writing regularly, but in an attempt to share the joy I am finding as I am working on building myself through Christ. 

there was so much I wanted to be and do and ironically the things I have become weren't necessarily items on my list to become.  I have the opportunity to marry right now and I could have the house, someone to provide for me and the children, someon who loves me, but I hesitate as I still feel like there is something missing.  How does one find what is missing? Therefore, I feel lost a lot. As if I am perpetuating my own limbo.