Fire at Paddock Place

It has been nineteen long days since the fire and I feel I am finally ready to share our experience for all those asking about what happened:

Josh and I had been up late (for us, seeing as we are usually in bed by eight thirty) talking about an uneasy feeling we had had earlier that day as well as religion.  We were both exhausted and were preparing for the next day since we knew Josh had a twenty four hour shift at work.  We decided to end our conversation and snuggle into bed.  Just as we were doing so Dorian started crying for his first nightly feeding.  Josh jumped out of bed to take care of Dorian’s needs.  It didn’t take me long before I was in the in-between stage of asleep and awake when I heard Josh yelling my name from the other room to get up now and get dressed because there was a fire. I jumped out of bed and pulled on pants that were on the floor so I wasn’t just running outside in my gown.  Being November, I also thought to grab a sweatshirt from the closet as I ran out.  I remember seeing Josh at the door with Dorian in his arms.  I ran down the hall to meet them and grabbed my purse on the table.  Josh was already walking out the door and I was about to follow when I realized I didn’t have any shoes.  I remember turning around and looking for them and not finding them, smoke was beginning to pour in through the open door and I slipped on my crocs and was thinking of going back to the laundry room for the cat when Josh called my name rather frantically, or so it seemed to me in my state of adrenaline.  I left the apartment without going back for the cat thinking he would be okay, thinking it wasn’t anything too serious.  As soon as I exited the apartment door and got out onto the landing I was aware of how much smoke there actually was.  I remember watching smoke pour out of the cracks of my next door neighbor’s door thinking it must be her apartment that was on fire.  I knew she said she was leaving to go out of town that weekend and wondered if she had already left, maybe leaving something on, but my mind was racing a mile a minute passing hundreds of scenarios through my head as I ran down the stairs.  As soon as I was down stairs I started looking around and noticed none of our neighbors were outside and told Josh I didn’t see them.  He passed the kid off to me and rushed back up the stairs.  A man, our neighbor from who lived in one of the downstairs apartments approached me and asked if we were ok.  I told him we were and he said he was so sorry.  I asked if it was his apartment then that had caught fire.  He said he had been cooking food and had fallen asleep.  He then walked off and I wondered why he was just standing there staring at everything rather than making sure everyone was out.  It was then that I saw josh and our neighbors from across the hall scrambling down the stairs.  At the same time the fire engines were pulling up and I remembered thinking with relief how quickly they had gotten there.  The fire fighters started asking of everyone was out and I let them know about the neighbor who had the smoke pouring out of her apartment and how I saw her car here but she was not outside.  In a huge bustle they started shouting orders to go after a woman who lived above the fire and it was then that I noticed the fires were licking out of the downstairs apartment door and up onto the breezeway.  At that moment the seriousness of the situation hit me and then they began shouting at us to back up and move our cars so they wouldn’t be damaged.  Josh grabbed Dorian and ran across the street while I re-parked the car.  We grabbed a blanket out of the back of the car and wrapped a very unhappy Dorian in it.  We stood across the parking lot and watched as flames started shooting out over the roof top and I began crying because in that instant I knew everything was lost.

              Our neighbor from across the hall came up and hugged me telling me we were all right at least my family was safe and her and her son were too thanks to Josh.  I cried in the embrace of my neighbor and husband as we watched the flames grow bigger over the apartment.  Dorian’s crying awoke me from my stupor and started the car so I could sit in it with Dorian to keep him warm and somewhat occupied seeing as he had been so rudely awakened.  Josh made sure we were comfortable and expressed his concern for both the cat and the bird we owned.  I felt his concern as well and suggested he told one of the firefighters where to look for them.  Josh did so and returned shortly after sitting in the car with Dorian and me as we waited restlessly wondering what would happen next.  Josh grew anxious and went outside to talk to people and keep an eye on the situation while I focused my attention on the kid, or at least tried to do so.  About a half hour to forty five minutes passed when Josh showed up at the car carrying Penguin, our cat covered in soot. Poor Penguin was very obviously in shock and clinging to josh.  Josh excitedly put the bird cage in the back seat and came to sit up front with me and Dorian.  He told me how he had let the firemen know we kept the cat in the laundry room at night and had also let them know about the bird although he admitted he had not expected the little finch to make it out alive.  He then explained how he had waited anxiously and watched as the fire fighter carried both the cat and the bird cage down the steps amazed that they were both still alive.  They gave Penguin some oxygen and said he looked ok but we could always take him to a vet if we were worried.  Josh held and pet the cat as he listened to me tell him how guilty I felt because I had thought about the cat and then decided to not go back for him.  Josh reassured me that I had made the right choice in getting out seeing as the whole building was ablaze five minutes after we had gotten out.  Josh then told me of his experience. 

              Josh has gotten up to get Dorian a bottle around ten and as routine for us he sat on the loveseat we have in Dorian’s room waiting for him to finish so he could take the bottle out to keep it from leaking all over the sheets.  He had dozed a little himself when he heard the boy finish his bottle.  He got up to take the bottle to the kitchen when he smelled smoke and heard people shouting.  He went to look out the peep hole to see what was going on but couldn’t see anything because the smoke was already so thick.  That is when he started shouting for me to get up.  He told me how he hadn’t thought to grab shoes and told me how when he ran outside with Dorian he could feel the heat of the board under his feet.  He was relieved that he thought top grab his Army clothes waiting on the table for the next morning because he now had a set of ACUs and his wallet and keys.  We were both very thankful that we both had keys and ID.  Josh then let me know they saw our neighbor being carried out and given air, but that she looked like she was okay other than smoke inhalation.

 We tried to keep Dorian as happy as we could as we waited and tried to begin making plans as to what we would do.  I called my parents explaining what was going on, breaking down while doing so.  The neighbor across from us offered to let us stay at her mother’s house and my parents offered to get us a hotel room.  We thanked both but kept waiting.  Around 1:00 AM we received a call from an officer asking if we were still at the scene.  We let him know we were and he informed us that Red Cross would be coming out and would help make arrangements for the night.  When Red Cross arrived they asked about all the residents and as soon as they found out we had a baby and that I was pregnant they started with us, which we were very grateful for.  They gave us a voucher to stay at Days Inn free of charge for the night and gave us instructions to check in with them the next day so they could do all the paperwork then. 

              It was now 1:30 AM and we still needed to buy Dorian bottles, diapers, food, clothes, etc.  Rather than waiting until the building was clear to enter we decided to leave and buy the necessities we knew we would need.  Although we weren’t sure what the damage was, we knew it was severe.  While we were shopping at Walmart our neighbor texted us that she was finally able to go into her apartment and that she hated to be the bearer of bad news, but it didn’t look like we had much of anything left.  The news didn’t surprise us, but it still crushed whatever hopes we had left.

We finally made it to the hotel around 2:00 AM and found the hotel was out of cribs.  We made a make shift pallet on the floor and were finally able to comfort Dorian to sleep.  We collapsed into bed ourselves although Josh still planned on reporting to work to see what help they could offer us as well as to see if maybe we could be put up in temporary housing.  His alarm went off much too early at four and although I was exhausted I got up with him to shower and prepare for the day.  We had survived the night, now the recovery begins.

writing group: lyrics

I hope that you see right through my walls I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling.  I've never let a love get so close; you put your arms around me and I'm home.

When I listen to music, I listen to the melodic tunes of the song, but more specifically, I listen to the lyrics.  Lyrics are poems put to words; emotions expressed through words.  So when a particular lyric sticks with me, I usually find some emotional connection to it.  In fact, that’s why I have a hard time listening to songs I listened to ten years ago: because there are so many memories and emotions tied to every song that for me it is more emotional than looking at a stack of pictures.  The lyrics above I heard in the car while driving to post with my husband and I couldn’t help but thinking; if I wrote a song five years ago, this is what I would have written.   

When I first met my husband I was at a precipice in my life.  I had just spent my first year at college on my own and I was feeling pulled and conflicted at who I was or what I was supposed to be.  I felt as if the previous nineteen years of my life I had only been a mold my parents had created and didn’t know who I was or even what I wanted to be; I just knew I was unhappy.  I felt like I couldn’t meet my parent’s expectations and in doing that, I didn’t meet my own.  I was feeling vulnerable and began putting up these proverbial walls to try and keep people out: to keep people from knowing what a mess I felt I was inside.

And then I met my husband.  Never before had I met someone who I felt to see into my very soul.  We communicated without talking and instantly seemed to know the other.  In three days I felt he knew me just as well as my closest friends.  And in this chaotic swirling mass of emotions and doubt that I was he saw me and he loved me.  So although I felt like I was falling, I felt like I had someone I could cling to and more importantly, someone strong enough to hold me up from hitting rock bottom.  We spent hours in each other’s arms and just the intimacy of holding one another, knowing the other was always there was a safety net I felt I had never known before.  After we were married I told him that my favorite place in the world to be was in his arms.  Five and half years later and that still remains the same.  In fact I believe it more strongly now. 

During our marriage my husband has had to spend a lot of time away due to jobs, training, and deployment.  In five years of marriage, I have lived with him for two and a half of it.  This separation has been trying and downright brutal.  While he is away I have stayed at our apartment or house, or traveled to be with family, but it isn’t home until he is here with us.  So when he puts his arms around me, I am home.

Memory from what I imagine was my moms point of view

Every time I walked through the boor with an arm full of groceries, the race started.  I put up the items I had purchased as fast as I could before my two little girls would scatter the entire grocery store all over my floor, leaving sacks, cans and boxes of food everywhere.  At least I didn’t have to worry as much about the eggs and bread.  They at least had learned that the paper bag of fragile groceries was off limits until I was done.  Putting everything up became an obstacle course as I tried not to trip on the stampeding kids rushing from bag to bag, maneuvering my way around cans so as to not slip and break my neck, all the while trying to keep an eye on the kids to make sure they didn’t find the need to try and stick one of the plastic bags over their head as they ran around.  I was lucky if I got anything in the right place at all as I navigated my way across so many distractions.  However, the ruckus was always worth it as I watched with pleasure the excitement they found in something that was such a mundane task for me.  I don’t really know what it was about the paper bag that they cherished, but to them it was the golden egg of the entire experience.  They would wait with eager anticipation for me to empty out the coveted paper bag and then proceed to beg me to place them in it.  They looked like little groundhogs, peeping their heads in and out of their dark hole, grinning at the world they saw.  Yes, there were usually fights about who got to play in the bag first, but the threat of losing their bag was enough to usually humble at least one of them.  It usually only took ten or fifteen minutes until the bag was beyond use for their active imagination, but it became a prized fifteen minutes of fun for all of us every week.

Monongahela

The trees are beginning to change color and it seems ironic to me that they seem the most alive while they are slowly dying.  I can’t help but wonder if as humans we are subjected to the same fate.  Do we live only when the fear of death is in our hearts or do we always radiate the beautiful golden hue of life and living in our everyday countenance?  I want to vibrate my color long before my dying breath of a wasted life.