Although this book is a memoir some might see it as lacking focus as my stories and perspectives change course. I want the reader to know that this is intentional. Although I talk a lot about my accident and my relationship with Josh, this is not what the book is about. Instead, it is about the progression of the human mind as we come to accept and deal with things of our past; it is about the opportunity we repeatedly have to start over, plotting a new course as we review who we were, distinguishing between who we do and do not want to become. In my life I feel I have been given a second chance and repeated opportunities to not only reshape what I was and what I wanted to be, but also to have a new start in new adventures as I struggled through different phases of life. I admit, I felt very lost through all of this and the main reason for writing my experiences was to come to a conclusion about my past and push on as I feel I am starting all over again as my husband joins the Army. I do not profess to be a good writer or even a good story teller, but I believe a life lived to be a valuable experience and I have written mine down with all of its flaws and maybe even an unscrupulous amount of truth. All the thoughts and feelings (some trite and confusing) are all true. I have held nothing back and only wish to represent my life to the fullest. I hope this introduction has not made you wary to read this and instead made you excited to know who I am and what I have lived through in hopes that we can relate, which I believe most everyone can because like everyone else, I was young, in love, and foolish and I feel many have learned many of the same valuable lessons.
Cherish Borland
July, 2009
Prologue
The boy I fell in love with was a confused and lost individual that my family and friends warned against. They tried to make me see that he was not worth my time. They feared that his reckless and in their eyes, selfish ways would bring me down. To them, my moral well being was at stake as I immersed myself in his life and bad habits. I knew of his habits; he had always been known in High School as the stoner. Years afterward I was well aware of how his habits had progressed. Despite this and our disagreeable past, I saw something worth staying for. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was finally understood and seen in a way I had only dreamed of. When I looked into his eyes I saw an intensity I had never seen or felt before, but in them I also saw a longing for me; Such desire no one had ever offered me before and my chubby insecure nineteen year old self fell in love with the desire he had for me.
I didn’t agree with any of his legal or illegal habits, but I felt compelled to stay in hopes of understanding the boy who hid in his smoke. I wanted to make him feel the same way he made me feel: loved and wanted.
We quickly became an item and with that came warnings and comments. Typically I would have listened to them. I had always been the goody-two-shoe academic, religious daughter and friend, but this time I felt as if I needed to see where this went. Never before had I had such a strong urge so against my typical characteristics, but I liked it and I felt we both deserved to know where this would take us. I have to admit I felt guilty every time I stepped into the smoke filled apartment, but the guilt was nothing compared to the intense excitement that drew me back into his arms. It felt so good to finally do what I wanted to do despite my parent’s wishes, but even better, it felt so good to be loved and to be loved by the most unlikely of boys.
For the first time in my life, I felt sexy as I lie on the cheap black futon with him, curled in his arms and touch. I felt desired with the power and eagerness of every kiss and caress he offered. Despite the ecstasy of his company, I feared too. I knew I was leaving to return to school in three weeks, so I tried not to grow attached, after all how could it possibly work when we came from two different worlds? Yet, I feared losing this connection. Josh made me feel free in every sense of the meaning. All growing up I was the responsible, practical child, but no one seemed to understand that was a façade of what was expected of me; inside I felt like such a different person and so far only Josh had been able to see that. We had already said we loved each other and after one week were already talking about getting married, but I knew such thoughts could only be a fantasy. Although I loved him for what he could do for me, I knew I couldn’t marry his habits and there was still so much more to him I wanted to learn about him first. Plus nineteen was so young to be married and although he talked about marriage, I felt that’s all it was: talk.
I relished all the time I could share with him and for the next few weeks we were inseparable. I started calling in sick to work so that I could lie in his arms all day and talk about how our connection was unlike any other. It was during these conversations that we started talking about the seriousness of getting married and what we would both need. He was open to my concerns about the life he was living, which surprised me because he had always been so sensitive about feeling like people were trying to change him. We both agreed that his lifestyle was not healthy for him or our relationship so we began making plans to help him cut addictions out of his life. Although he had practically run away from home we both decided it was his parents who could help him most.
` I was proud of the courage he had as he called his parents for the first time in over a year. He told them of his desire to change and his inability to afford a way home. Without many questions he had a plane ticket set up for him. He would be leaving in a week.
I tried not to be bothered by this. After all I would be leaving only three days after him to head back up to school in Idaho. Plus I was extremely excited that he wanted to clean up his life not only for himself, but so we could share our lives with each other. I wasn’t sure how a long distance relationship would work, but I knew we could do it if we both wanted it. However, I tried not to think too far ahead and just enjoyed every second we had.
The days sped past and before I realized that Josh’s departure was just around the corner. I knew my parents were looking forward to his exit. I guess they thought we wouldn’t last long, but they never were willing to see what I did. To them this would be the end of our relationship and the end of my rebellion…but for me and Josh it was just the beginning.
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