I'm Back!

I know it has taken a while, but here is my first post after having my baby.  Things are well!  The c-section went well and our daughter was born healthy at 7 pounds and 14 ounces.  She was 19 inches long and has a full head of blonde hair.  All the things I was worried about have gone smoothly and has made our transition home a very easy one.  My son, has taken to the new baby and while I thought jealously might be an issue has been in fact, the very opposite.  He is in love and amused with the new little creature that has entered our home.  I didn’t think it was possible to love my son anymore than I already so, but watching him with his sister touches my heart and makes me proud to call him son. 

My husband has also been a gem.  He will wake up at night and hand me the baby so that I do not need to crawl in and out of bed with staples and will change all her dirty diapers then return her to me for feedings.  He also takes both children in the morning to give me a chance to sleep in.  This experience has been night and day compared to the birth of my son, when Josh had to return to Afghanistan and I was forced to do it all alone.  Although Josh has been struggling with his depression a lot this week and last, I still feel a connection with him, which to be honest is something that has been missing from our relationship for a while.

Today was my first day alone as Josh had to return to work and although there was a lot more up and down on my part, it went a lot better than I had expected.  I can only hope my son is as well behaved the rest of the week as I adjust to dealing with two children instead of just one.  I am trying to not set my own expectations too high as I want to give both children the attention they desire.  My son though is a high strung, supper active child that requires a lot of stimulation that has before now required almost all of my attention to satisfy, so now splitting my time and attention worries me.  I am proud of how well he has done though and hope things continue to transition as smoothly as they have.

So Blessed to Have a Four Day

Due to Columbus Day Josh has had Friday and Monday off, which could not have come at a better time.  My contractions are getting stronger and while they still are not close enough to go in, they are uncomfortable enough and strain my back enough to pretty much put me out of commission.  Meaning that for the last four days he has been on child duty and he has done an amazing job at meeting our sons needs while taking care of me.  It has been a really long time since I have felt he has taken care of me, so the last couple of days have been really wonderful and although I am not looking forward to him returning to work tomorrow, I will be able to rely on my mom as she is due to arrive tonight.

I am now to the point I am far enough along, I would rather have this baby on the scheduled date so that I can prepare go in and be in charge.  Also, because my doctor is out of town this week and I would really like for her to deliver my baby.  However, I say it is a fifty-fifty chance though just depending in my body.  At my last check up I was dilated to 1cm (solving the earlier mystery).  My doctor was surprised at how my baby girl was position though as she is up over my pelvic bone.  My doctor commented that it was a good thing we had the c-section scheduled because she didn’t think this baby would be able to come vaginally even if I wanted to.  She also explained that this would most likely make my contractions more painful as it is just grinding the baby into my hip bone (which explained a lot of the hip and back pain that had been a lot more severe this pregnancy).  She wasn’t sure if I would dilate or not due to this, but made sure I was aware that the baby was right where they opened me up for my emergency c-section with my son and that if I went into labor (even before hard labor, she said around 3-4cm) I needed to come in for fear of the baby tearing me open.  Other than that though the baby was healthy and everything else looked good.  So now it is just waiting through this last week and a half of misery before I get to hold that sweet little bundle in my arms.  I am getting excited and look forward to breast feeding as I had to wean my son at four or five months because he couldn’t digest my milk.  I am to the point I am excited to be having a girl and to be able to watch for her personality and watch her grow.  I am ready to be a mom to an infant again and to feel the miracle and great presence every newborn holds within them.

Getting ready

So I finally got my hospital bag packed last night; well all except the last minute items, like the camera and nook and stuff.  My mom will be here Monday or Tuesday to help me prepare this last week before I have the c-section.  Just under two weeks and I will have a little baby girl in my arms.  I am excited and quite frankly, ready for her to be here now rather than just waiting for wither the c-section, active labor or my water to break.  It is frustrating as this happened with my son as well, I was on bed rest for months and then around 35 weeks, everything stopped.  To deal with the stress and anxiety of trying to keep your unborn child healthy as you decide what you can and cannot physically do and then to finally be ready to have the said baby and have to wait is stressful.  Or maybe that just me, as I seem to always find the stress in every situation.  I know she will come when the time is right, I am just huge and uncomfortable and ready to have certain parts of my body back to myself.   See how selfish I can be. J I only take comfort in knowing most women feel this way towards the end of their pregnancy. 

I fear this may be my last pregnancy as every pregnancy has been a big deal and high risk, making it more difficult and dangerous for both me and the baby.  Of course if we feel we are not done, the sacrifice is well worth the blessing in the end, but this entire pregnancy I have been feeling like two is our number, which to be honest is a little disappointing as I always thought 3-5 kids would be more in our range.  Which still might happen as I would still love to adopt.  It was something Josh and I discussed when we were first married, then again when we were told we could not conceive and I feel like it is still something I would very much like to do even though we have been blessed with fertility.

On the marital front

I have had several people ask for an update with how Josh and I are doing so here it is: we are about the same.  Not much has changed since the last updates.  He is continuing to see a psychologist, which has been helping him see where his self hate comes from, but it is a very slow process.  Until Josh is able to be comfortable with himself I cannot really resolve our issues as he takes all the blame and creates a reality where my life and my children’s life are better without him; a scenario I obviously don’t agree with or I wouldn’t still be here.  There will be several days where I feel like he is really making an effort and our relationship id finally on the mend, and then there will be several days of the same things that have been plaguing our marriage.  In essence, it is still a lot of up and down, but it is something we are both trying to repair, so I feel that’s as much as I can ask for or expect at the moment.  I know it upsets him when I try and point out the selfishness he had been exhibiting and I feel that has really improved, especially as the date for my delivery grows near, it is nice to have him put me and the baby first in our needs, which really wasn’t the case several months ago.  So as I mentioned there is progress, but it is slow, but working.  I look forward to the day where I feel like I have the man I married back and that we can once again be a team in all we think and do, or at least have the tools to be comfortable with where the other is at that we can continue to learn and grow together.

Confusion

So as I posted in an earlier blog post, my husband had been checking my dilation.  He did for the two days he was home before Dorian arrived and was accurate with what he was feeling and what the nurses said I was.  So when I went in for my appointment Friday I was sure I would be at a 1 ½ like my husband had felt.  My doctor was backed up that day and although I didn’t feel she was rushing through the appointment at all she barely had her fingers up in me before she announced that my cervix was closed.  I was a little disappointed as I have been contracting steady enough that I was confidant there should be change, but didn’t want to second guess her.  I told Josh and he was disappointed and confused as he swore he felt a hole that was changing sizes.  We then did some research and looked at some pictures so he had a visual as what things should look and feel like.  Since the doctor said I was closed, I didn’t feel the need to have Josh check me every night.  Sunday, we went out what we thought would be a short walk.  This short walk on an unmarked trailhead turned into quite a hike and by the time we made it to the car I was contracting hard and steady; enough that I felt Josh should go ahead and check me again.  We went over the pictures again before he checked me.  Once again he said he felt like I was dilated to a two and the size of the hole was definitely changing.  So the question is: who is wrong; the doctor or my husband?  This is going to drive me crazy as my next appointment isn’t until Friday.  I just wish I knew where I was at so I could try and be a little more prepared.  I just had Josh check me again this evening and according to the pictures he said he would guess that I am dilated to a three, almost four, but there hasn’t been much effacing.

I have just decided that if the same occurrence happens at this next appointment I will ask her what he could possibly be feeling, but if all the sudden I am dilated to a three then I will just assume Josh had been correct the whole time.  Any ideas as to how this happened?  What do you think?

Angels among us

I know I have been slacking on posting daily, but life has kept me pretty busy as of late.  Because of this that means I have a lot of blessings to share.  The biggest being the sweet lady who has entered my life and taken me under her wing as she has befriended and reached out to me in ways that I needed most.  As you all know, we lost all of our belongings in a fire close to a year ago, so all the baby items we had invested in are all gone, so now that I am pregnant again, we have been forced to go out and require the same items all over again, but this time on a much tighter budget and without the reassurance that we will have more children in the future.  People were so generous in donating all they did after the fire that I didn’t want to proposition my friends and family for items we still needed for the new baby.  I was stressing out over all the things I still felt were missing and this sweet lady mentioned above, organized and threw me a surprise baby shower in which a room full of angels shared their love with me as they generously gave me the items I was still in need of.  I wish I knew how to express myself in person, the way I do in writing because I want all of these women to know just how much they bless my life.  In such a cruel self serving world, I feel so blessed to have come across so many who will go out of their way to serve someone as (undeserving, I feel) as me. 

With all the trials I have been through the last several years I have kept asking myself, why me, and why where we stationed here, but I know without a doubt that these wonderful people have been put in my life because it was only them that could reach out and love me the ways that I am in need of at this time.  I believe with all my heart that the Lord always provides for us and once again I want all my sweet friends and yes, you reading my blog, to know just how much I love you and value you because it is through your love and help that you have strengthened me through my hard times.

there were several more pictures, but I was crying in most of them as such sweetness touched my heart.