Rough Morning

Lets be honest.  Every morning is a fight.  Every morning I pull myself out of bed and I fight the day, my life, my emotions, all to try and be the best mom I can be and many days I fail.  I yell, I get frustrated, we watch more TV that we should, and the activities have fallen by the wayside.  I fight every single day with all that I have and usually I can look at the positive and see the progress and be content with my own life as I take charge.  This morning, however, was a very different story.  I just didn't care.  I was sick of fighting, sick of trying and for what, sick of carrying it all.  Today I wanted to run away and not come back.  Today I wanted to sacrifice my life, my responsibility, and even my morals if I could feel good for once, even if it was fleeting.  A dear friend texted me this morning checking in on me and I shared the horrible, brutal truth of how I was feeling.  His words were just what I needed to hear and a boon as I continued on in the tasks of my day.  This afternoon I was surprised to hear the doorbell and even more surprised to see flowers delivered.  As I am living with my mom I assumed they were for her and jumped in surprise as I signed for them, that they were in fact for me.  My heart burned with emotion and gratitude at the gesture and I ran inside to read the card: you are enough.  I broke down there in the kitchen holding the beautiful arrangement of flowers.  Those three words brought more comfort than the two hours I had just spent reading the scriptures searching for peace.  This friend, not only was inspired with his words, but with his gesture and he has no idea what a angel he was as he brought me the peace and comfort I was so desperately searching for.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life and who have been a rock while the storm of my life blows around me. The love I feel is the only thing helping me get out of bed every morning.  I love you all and only hope you all know just how much I love and appreciate you.  Thank you just isn't enough for the gift I received today. 

final cake for course 2!

I really like how my final cake turned out.  It has been so fun to learn and expand this hobby.  Needless to say, I am excited for Dorian's and Amellia's birthdays so I can have some fun.  Next week I start using fondant, so I am excited about that.  My grandma's birthday is the 31st, so I plan on giving her this cake tomorrow.

 Basket weave

 EVERYTHING is edible

 everything is made with icing

Flowers

Almost done with course two.  Today we worked on more flowers and next week is the final cake.  I have to say Thursdays have become the day I look forward to most in the week.  Especially today as last night and today were beyond difficult to say the least.  Since I just posted two days ago, there isn't a whole lot to add, so here is what I created this week.

Big News

I have had several friends asking me for a Josh update, so here it is: The last two and a half weeks have been really rough.  In fact this is the lowest I have ever seen Josh.  He still feels no emotions but anger and to deal with the anger he goes out every night to drink, and his now very frequent cigarette breaks to “calm his nerves.”  Even when he is present, he is not really here and to be honest I never see the man I married seven years ago.  With all of this being said, today I received some hope.  Today was Josh’s first visit to the VA mental health doctor, (and yes he went to the VA the first week we were out here, May20th, and this is the first he is being seen by a doctor).  However, when telling me about his appointment he said that the doctor said Josh exhibited signs of PTSD (which the Army doctor quickly wrote off, and it didn’t matter that I have been saying he had PTSD for the last three years).  Anyway, this is great news as it shows he is finally willing to acknowledge 1. There is a problem 2. There are ways to help cure this problem and 3. It is worth working towards!  Now forgive me as I am very jaded, but I am not expecting much from the VA due to our track record with the Army and the VA thus far. However, I am hopeful that since Josh has reached the point of acknowledgement, there might finally be some recovery.  Now I know this leads many people wondering…what does this mean for you as a couple?  At this point, nothing.  Josh has made it very clear he does not want to continue the marriage and I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise.  I will do what I can to help Josh when I can, but he is not my priority.  I am finally focusing on me and as always my children. 

As for me and how I have been since I left TN things have actually been better than I had hoped for and a big part of that is my new mental state.  I have so many goals, I make time for myself and I am working on being the person I have put off for years.  I am losing weight (10 lbs since I moved out here) I am exercising, reading my scriptures and other gospel material, going out with friends, and educating myself.  I have a reason to get out of bed for myself now and not just out of obligation to my children and husband.  Now I still certainly have my hard days, and I still cry a lot and generally think life is unfair; however, I am determining the course for my life and working hard for what it is I want. 

Another Thursday night

Yea, another week survived!  This one was harder on me, but I feel like I am pulling myself up and out of what has been holding me back.  For starters as you know I have been changing my diet and trying to be more active.  Although I have only lost 1 lb this week, I lost an inch in my bust, and inch in my hip and half an inch in my belly.  Arms and legs are unchanged, so results are there.
My cake decorating class was tonight and I worked with royal icing for the first time (this is the super thick stuff to make flowers with) I feel pretty good at the flowers I did in class, but I am confident I can improve them with practice:

Before pictures and Course 2!

So there has been a lot going on lately.  For starters I know I posted pictures of myself when I started the Last Year of Your Life challenge, but I have since lost 7 pounds.  While this is great, there is still a long way to go and I wanted to have before and after pictures to show my hard work, so with that being said, here are the before pics:

Obviously, these are NOT flattering in any sort of way, but what better way to be honest with myself about where I am and where I want to be then to accept the shame I feel for being here and taking that to drive me to want to change it!


  I have been busy in practicing the things I have learned with my cake decorating class and made my brother a birthday cake (he chose what he wanted it to look like):

and here is what I did in my cake decorating class this week.  We learned the basics of sugar paste and fondant:

Course one!

I completed the first course of my cake decorating class tonight and I am pretty proud of how my final cake came out.  Everything was done with icing.

Yea me!