Big News

I have had several friends asking me for a Josh update, so here it is: The last two and a half weeks have been really rough.  In fact this is the lowest I have ever seen Josh.  He still feels no emotions but anger and to deal with the anger he goes out every night to drink, and his now very frequent cigarette breaks to “calm his nerves.”  Even when he is present, he is not really here and to be honest I never see the man I married seven years ago.  With all of this being said, today I received some hope.  Today was Josh’s first visit to the VA mental health doctor, (and yes he went to the VA the first week we were out here, May20th, and this is the first he is being seen by a doctor).  However, when telling me about his appointment he said that the doctor said Josh exhibited signs of PTSD (which the Army doctor quickly wrote off, and it didn’t matter that I have been saying he had PTSD for the last three years).  Anyway, this is great news as it shows he is finally willing to acknowledge 1. There is a problem 2. There are ways to help cure this problem and 3. It is worth working towards!  Now forgive me as I am very jaded, but I am not expecting much from the VA due to our track record with the Army and the VA thus far. However, I am hopeful that since Josh has reached the point of acknowledgement, there might finally be some recovery.  Now I know this leads many people wondering…what does this mean for you as a couple?  At this point, nothing.  Josh has made it very clear he does not want to continue the marriage and I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise.  I will do what I can to help Josh when I can, but he is not my priority.  I am finally focusing on me and as always my children. 

As for me and how I have been since I left TN things have actually been better than I had hoped for and a big part of that is my new mental state.  I have so many goals, I make time for myself and I am working on being the person I have put off for years.  I am losing weight (10 lbs since I moved out here) I am exercising, reading my scriptures and other gospel material, going out with friends, and educating myself.  I have a reason to get out of bed for myself now and not just out of obligation to my children and husband.  Now I still certainly have my hard days, and I still cry a lot and generally think life is unfair; however, I am determining the course for my life and working hard for what it is I want.