Today has been a very busy day. The entire days has been geared around my children. My mother sweetly bought them a day pass at a toddler amusement park as an additional birthday bonus gift. As you can imagine the children were thrilled, running about daringly riding all the rides and partaking in all the adventure. This indoor amusement park consisted of six rides, two bounce houses and several distorting mirrors. The children had a blast making a circuit of all the rides. I was having a blast watching the kids enjoy themselves and to be a partaker in all their smiles, but I learned a very valuable lesson today: you can only do the Carousel, Tea Cups, and Ferris Wheel so many times before it catches up to the adult body. By round three of our circuit I was genuinely nauseous and worn out. We endured all the fun from 10:00 AM to nearly 2:00 PM after riding most the rides to ensure the safety of my kids I was ready to go home and luckily so was my daughter as she too was accustomed to a nap. I had hoped for a long reprieve, but a short thirty minutes later, my daughter was up and ready to play again.
We played with blocked, we read books, we watched an episode of Arther on PBS when I realized my nausea was finally gone and I was hungry. At 5:00 we made our way to Chipotle to enjoy a healthier fast food meal that did not require me to cook. The children at well and when we arrived home at 6:00 I knew a quick bath would b just the trick to end our day. I undressed my kids and was about to start the water when my daughter, who just turned two, decided she was ready to use the potty. Now this might sound like no big deal, but I attempted potty training on two separate occasions. You see my daughter is very capable of potty training. whenever she goes pee or poop in her diaper she alerts me, insisting I change her. Developmentally, she has been ready as she had been able to draw circles for several months now. The stumbling block we kept running into was my daughter's stubborn nature. She had decided that she did not need to be a big girl, she was happy being the baby and flat out refused to use the potty with the terse explanation of "NO. Diaper." so basically, my daughter wanted her diapers and I knew better than to push against her stubborn will for fear of making potty training a negative thing. Well for months I have been trying to illuminate all the fun things big girls get to do, so when my daughter decided she was ready, I ignored my aching body to attempt a lesson at potty training. I figured it would b quick and easy with the way my daughter had chugged through her chocolate mile and water at dinner, but after 30 minutes with no result and having read her potty book for the tenth time, I was starting to lose my patience. I had bought Gingerale as incentive as it is actually a pop my daughter loves. She has not had any since my last potty training venture months ago, so I figured, why not reward her for sitting on the potty, and fill her up with even more liquids. I had already invested half an hour on this, so why not finish it off, right?
Wrong.
You see as soon as my daughter had that sippy cup of gingerale, she went to town. My daughter practically chugged that can of soda. You want to know what I was thinking? Hey, good. Drink it all up so you will finally go pee pee, so we can finally do bath time and then the golden hour of bed time when mom can finally sit down. Drink it up babe. Cheers to you!
But then, my daughter starts crying. I assume it is because she has to pee and is holding it in. Too stubborn to actually follow through. I lovingly get close to her with "why are you crying hunny?" "It's okay." "Just go pee pee in the potty."
You know what I got?
Projective vomit of tonight's dinner and a can worth of gingerale.
yup. Guess who never went pee pee in the potty. Instead she got thrown into the bath while I scrubbed the floor, then to scrub my son and her, getting us in bed over thirty minutes late.
Well Played.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Follow up
On Friday I finally got some closure I was desperately needing. Josh was on his way out the door after spending some time with the kids, when out of no where he stopped and called my name. He led by saying he was aware I still held deep feelings for him within our past and apologized as he said he thought it was because he took my virginity, following that it had a greater attachment and affect on people than most let on. I corrected him with tears in my eyes clarifying that while that may in fact be a part of the love I hold for the Joshua I married, he needed to remember that it was much more than just that. He was my first for just about everything. Yes, he was my first lover, but he was also my first love. First, House, first child, first everything.
He apologized. He expressed his remorse at how he had treated me and especially the way in which he ended our marriage. he then admitted to the anguish he faces with the guilt of the choices he made. He said that for so long rather than feel the guilt, he felt the anger, until it was eating him up and killing him and he just couldn't do it any longer. He expressed concern for me and for the children and I wept openly as I could not control the emotions that gushed forth as his apology and admittance was something I had moved on with, believing it was something I would never receive. He took me in his arms, trying to comfort my sobs and what surprised me was the lack of any emotion as he held me. It was empty and it was a testament to me that the feelings of nostalgia I had were in fact that, and no hope for the present or future.
His words struck a chord deep within me as he stared discussing the two men I have been dating. I wasn't taking much of what he said to heart until he pointed out this fact, "Cherish, as someone who was with you for so long and who really knows you, from my outside perspective, I feel you have what you need in front of you. Don't pray for feelings or guidance. Pray for peace and let that help you see who and what you need. I fear if you ignore what is in front of you too long, you may pass up an opportunity that has been given to you." It has been a little hard to ignore what he said as the whole while our eyes met and locked and connected as he held me once again.
He apologized for lying to me, making me believe he was a man of the caliber I expected and apologized for all the lies over the years as he admitted it was never fair to me. He continued to make a statement that touched my heart very deeply as he said he did not regret the time he spent with me, or the two kids. He said he wouldn't trade anything in the world for that experience and that he learned a lot of life lessons. He apologized for being a temptation to me over the years and all he misuse I had been dealt. For some time, Josh and I were both crying openly despite our efforts to check the emotions and for the first time, I felt a sincerity I had always hoped for.
I told him I forgave him. I only wanted to see him happy and that all along I had only wished it could have been me that could have given that to him. I let him know I was moving on, I was just so confused and so scared. He said he didn't know why, but felt he had to share all of that with me and that everything I am looking for is within me.
It was really nice having my best friend back, if only for a night.
I was very shaken up by this encountered and couldn't keep his words from running through my hear. It seemed almost surreal as for days I have been seeking an answer as to my future both for myself as well as along side someone else. Was this God's way of answering my pleas? If so, why through Josh? Was it because he is the only one even now I can accept guidance from? Or was this because he read my last blog post about my confusion that he felt he needed to intervene? My head swam and my eyes continued to leak to the point I knew I had to share this with someone. Calling on my best friend she listened as I poured this all out to her and she too said something that I had not considered. This is the time of the year every year I have had to restart my life: Oct 2010 my son was born and I had to completely change life around as I became a mom (a single mom at that as Josh was deployed) Nov 2011 I lost everything I owned in an apartment fire to then, five days later, lose the baby I was pregnant with. Oct 2012 my daughter was born. once again, I had a huge adjustment as I went from one child to two as we dealt with deciding if we should stay in the Army. Sep 2013 I found out about Josh's affair and he walked out of the house leaving me to be a single mom to my two kids. The point of this is that each and every year, I would have to pick up the pieces and build myself a new life in order to keep going and this is the first year I haven't had to do that. She said, "you have a foundation and all the pieces you need. You even have in mind what you want to build, you just are missing the blueprint to take the next step." she implied I was a fish out of water as it was no longer about starting over, but about moving on.
Moving on is really hard. I am scared I will put a piece in the wrong spot and once again everything will tumble over. However, I am trying. Each and every day I am still trying. Maybe I will try what Josh suggested and pray for peace and when I feel that, then I will have confidence in my choice. All I know is this: I cannot do this alone. Every action I make I try to make with my Lord in mind, living with the faith in my heart, knowing he will give me what is needed. I also know I am never alone and am so touched at all the emails and messages I received from my precious friends after my last very depressing post. I love you all very much and couldn't do this journey called life without you!
He apologized. He expressed his remorse at how he had treated me and especially the way in which he ended our marriage. he then admitted to the anguish he faces with the guilt of the choices he made. He said that for so long rather than feel the guilt, he felt the anger, until it was eating him up and killing him and he just couldn't do it any longer. He expressed concern for me and for the children and I wept openly as I could not control the emotions that gushed forth as his apology and admittance was something I had moved on with, believing it was something I would never receive. He took me in his arms, trying to comfort my sobs and what surprised me was the lack of any emotion as he held me. It was empty and it was a testament to me that the feelings of nostalgia I had were in fact that, and no hope for the present or future.
His words struck a chord deep within me as he stared discussing the two men I have been dating. I wasn't taking much of what he said to heart until he pointed out this fact, "Cherish, as someone who was with you for so long and who really knows you, from my outside perspective, I feel you have what you need in front of you. Don't pray for feelings or guidance. Pray for peace and let that help you see who and what you need. I fear if you ignore what is in front of you too long, you may pass up an opportunity that has been given to you." It has been a little hard to ignore what he said as the whole while our eyes met and locked and connected as he held me once again.
He apologized for lying to me, making me believe he was a man of the caliber I expected and apologized for all the lies over the years as he admitted it was never fair to me. He continued to make a statement that touched my heart very deeply as he said he did not regret the time he spent with me, or the two kids. He said he wouldn't trade anything in the world for that experience and that he learned a lot of life lessons. He apologized for being a temptation to me over the years and all he misuse I had been dealt. For some time, Josh and I were both crying openly despite our efforts to check the emotions and for the first time, I felt a sincerity I had always hoped for.
I told him I forgave him. I only wanted to see him happy and that all along I had only wished it could have been me that could have given that to him. I let him know I was moving on, I was just so confused and so scared. He said he didn't know why, but felt he had to share all of that with me and that everything I am looking for is within me.
It was really nice having my best friend back, if only for a night.
I was very shaken up by this encountered and couldn't keep his words from running through my hear. It seemed almost surreal as for days I have been seeking an answer as to my future both for myself as well as along side someone else. Was this God's way of answering my pleas? If so, why through Josh? Was it because he is the only one even now I can accept guidance from? Or was this because he read my last blog post about my confusion that he felt he needed to intervene? My head swam and my eyes continued to leak to the point I knew I had to share this with someone. Calling on my best friend she listened as I poured this all out to her and she too said something that I had not considered. This is the time of the year every year I have had to restart my life: Oct 2010 my son was born and I had to completely change life around as I became a mom (a single mom at that as Josh was deployed) Nov 2011 I lost everything I owned in an apartment fire to then, five days later, lose the baby I was pregnant with. Oct 2012 my daughter was born. once again, I had a huge adjustment as I went from one child to two as we dealt with deciding if we should stay in the Army. Sep 2013 I found out about Josh's affair and he walked out of the house leaving me to be a single mom to my two kids. The point of this is that each and every year, I would have to pick up the pieces and build myself a new life in order to keep going and this is the first year I haven't had to do that. She said, "you have a foundation and all the pieces you need. You even have in mind what you want to build, you just are missing the blueprint to take the next step." she implied I was a fish out of water as it was no longer about starting over, but about moving on.
Moving on is really hard. I am scared I will put a piece in the wrong spot and once again everything will tumble over. However, I am trying. Each and every day I am still trying. Maybe I will try what Josh suggested and pray for peace and when I feel that, then I will have confidence in my choice. All I know is this: I cannot do this alone. Every action I make I try to make with my Lord in mind, living with the faith in my heart, knowing he will give me what is needed. I also know I am never alone and am so touched at all the emails and messages I received from my precious friends after my last very depressing post. I love you all very much and couldn't do this journey called life without you!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
F week
I am several weeks late posting this, but things have been crazy as both my kids had their birthday last week. So here is F week:
Monday:
Making an F with his dot marker
Making a f. f. face
Tuesday: frog day
make a frog out of the letter F
feeding the frog flies
A race to see which fast frog went the farthest!
Window catcher frogs
Wednesday: Fish day
A fish made out of the letter F
Making an F with fish!
Going fishing!
This was the flying fish activity. F, f, f, f ,had to be said and then the goal was to fly the fish into the bathtub. We ended up playing this for a good twenty minutes!
Thursday: the kid's got up from their quiet time to find flies tapes all over the house. My son has no problem telling me the sound each letter makes, but forgets the name of the letter. So for this activity he had to say the letter F, fly before swatting.
Fox out of the letter F
Of course while we worked we listened to "What does the Fox Say"
Then it was time for stickers of flowers
To finish up the day, we did a fire truck puzzle we already had
Fire truck puzzle in front of his Fire house!
Monday:
Making an F with his dot marker
Making a f. f. face
Tuesday: frog day
make a frog out of the letter F
feeding the frog flies
A race to see which fast frog went the farthest!
Window catcher frogs
Wednesday: Fish day
A fish made out of the letter F
Making an F with fish!
Going fishing!
This was the flying fish activity. F, f, f, f ,had to be said and then the goal was to fly the fish into the bathtub. We ended up playing this for a good twenty minutes!
Thursday: the kid's got up from their quiet time to find flies tapes all over the house. My son has no problem telling me the sound each letter makes, but forgets the name of the letter. So for this activity he had to say the letter F, fly before swatting.
Fox out of the letter F
Of course while we worked we listened to "What does the Fox Say"
Then it was time for stickers of flowers
To finish up the day, we did a fire truck puzzle we already had
Fire truck puzzle in front of his Fire house!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Back here again
For years, I saw my life crumble down around me. Like a prisoner I allowed myself to be trapped, thinking, feeling that this was my circumstance and I just had to endure. Endure and then endure more; still. Then my circumstances changed and I felt worse than ever at the rubble around my feet. How was I supposed to endure this? I told myself enduring wasn't enough. I had to work. So work I have. Work. Work and then work some more and although life is better than it was a year ago, here it is once again 12:46 in the morning and I am here on my blog because I cannot sleep and mean, taunting voices are pulling my thoughts to the dark hole I buried them in as I dug myself free. The dark voices that tell me that due to my health, since I hadn't been able to work out regularly, I have gained back 15lb that took me over six months to lose the last time. It is nagging deep down inside my belly, reminding me that I no longer have a husband or a home or space to call my own. That despite my very best efforts, I will only amount to a single mom and like it or not, it will never be as good as what a mom and dad can offer. A voice that dredges up my every mistake, bashing against my ego and self esteem. The very self esteem I have worked so long and hard on, to find just how vulnerable it still is when every lonely night makes me miss what I no longer have and hate myself for somehow not having it. I read my scriptures. I say my prayers and still I am just too weak. too imperfect. Too lost. Never good enough. Never strong enough. Never enough.
Matt and I have gone from dating to casual dating. Things didn't feel right, although the word yet keeps coming to mind, it was still hard not to see all the red flags that showed me we were just not on the same page, or the same stage of life. I do care very much for him, but it all just feels so confused. And nights like these, I can't help but think of my ex husband. I wasn't supposed to have to ever date again. He was supposed to be my forever and I foolishly believed in forever, when it is clear that was only his belief for little over a year of our marriage. I shouldn't have to feel alone and scared of never trusting someone again or scared of never feeling the way I felt with him ever again. Despite what I was to him; he was my anchor for nine years and I did; I anchored myself to him and now a year later he comes to mind and I hate that I still think of him and I hate that I think of him, when I hate myself the most. Because how is that love? and why is it, that I want what I had with him, all over again, but with someone new? I hate not knowing where I am going or what person is the right person, or choice, is the right choice. I hate feeling so lost and so confused. And that is why I haven't posted in so long. How am I supposed to talk about me, when I don't know where I am at? When I have a positive filter on so that while I am still dealing with a lot of crap, I am glossing over it just reminding myself, I am doing all that I can. But tonight, that just isn't enough. I am sick, I am in pain (as always) and I just don't have any more endurance or fight to work left in me and I can't even sleep to be a functioning mom come tomorrow which really sucks because no matter what, those two kiddos of mine get up, bright and early (and sometimes just early) expecting me to meet their needs. And I sit here hating myself as I wonder, how can I meet their needs, when I cannot even meet my own?
Why does everyone buy into the happy Cherish? Because I am that convincing? because I should be healed and moved in already? or because it is easier to accept me happy than who I am sad? I am half tempted to give up dating altogether for a while, stop trying so hard and just see what comes to me, but then again, how do I live with myself when nothing comes or when I still don't know what to do with what is in front of me?
1:13 AM and five tissues later and sadly I am no closer to sleep. Pray for me.
Matt and I have gone from dating to casual dating. Things didn't feel right, although the word yet keeps coming to mind, it was still hard not to see all the red flags that showed me we were just not on the same page, or the same stage of life. I do care very much for him, but it all just feels so confused. And nights like these, I can't help but think of my ex husband. I wasn't supposed to have to ever date again. He was supposed to be my forever and I foolishly believed in forever, when it is clear that was only his belief for little over a year of our marriage. I shouldn't have to feel alone and scared of never trusting someone again or scared of never feeling the way I felt with him ever again. Despite what I was to him; he was my anchor for nine years and I did; I anchored myself to him and now a year later he comes to mind and I hate that I still think of him and I hate that I think of him, when I hate myself the most. Because how is that love? and why is it, that I want what I had with him, all over again, but with someone new? I hate not knowing where I am going or what person is the right person, or choice, is the right choice. I hate feeling so lost and so confused. And that is why I haven't posted in so long. How am I supposed to talk about me, when I don't know where I am at? When I have a positive filter on so that while I am still dealing with a lot of crap, I am glossing over it just reminding myself, I am doing all that I can. But tonight, that just isn't enough. I am sick, I am in pain (as always) and I just don't have any more endurance or fight to work left in me and I can't even sleep to be a functioning mom come tomorrow which really sucks because no matter what, those two kiddos of mine get up, bright and early (and sometimes just early) expecting me to meet their needs. And I sit here hating myself as I wonder, how can I meet their needs, when I cannot even meet my own?
Why does everyone buy into the happy Cherish? Because I am that convincing? because I should be healed and moved in already? or because it is easier to accept me happy than who I am sad? I am half tempted to give up dating altogether for a while, stop trying so hard and just see what comes to me, but then again, how do I live with myself when nothing comes or when I still don't know what to do with what is in front of me?
1:13 AM and five tissues later and sadly I am no closer to sleep. Pray for me.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
E week!
As always E week was a lot of fun, but required a lot of preparation on my part as you will see, so I have decided to make F week a light week in terms of the prep. work so as not to wear myself out.
We started the Monday with E the elephant who liked to exercise. Dorian used my 2 lb weigh to make the e, e, e, sound as I read the story. My son then practiced writing the letter E for the first time.
Connect the dot alphabet to make the picture of E the elephant.
This took so much work, but I found a picture of an unhappy elephant and added a ton of reasons for the elephant to be unhappy. I then gave the kids a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers for them to examine the elephant! It was a lot of work, but the kids loved it!
E worksheet
Elephant day just wouldn't be complete without elephant hats!
Tuesday: Egg day
The kids were a little leery about eating the green eggs, but ended up eating them all...and since then have had to make colored eggs every morning for breakfast :)
worksheet
Easter Egg hunt!
Wednesday (E bodyparts)
Luckily, being so close to Halloween, we found a bag of chocolate eyes! The kids glued this to the letter E after taste testing a few of them
After eyes, we painted using only our elbows!
Messy, but tons of fun!
This activity took the most time, but was a big success. I drew monsters, eyes, ears and eyebrows and allowed the kids to switch them up, taking turns to make a different monster each time.
The animals we made out of the letter E
Friday: review and electricity
My friend brought over his Van de Graff Generator as we talked about electricity. My son LOVED this so much, that even my mom came in to see what all the giggling was about :)
We started the Monday with E the elephant who liked to exercise. Dorian used my 2 lb weigh to make the e, e, e, sound as I read the story. My son then practiced writing the letter E for the first time.
Connect the dot alphabet to make the picture of E the elephant.
This took so much work, but I found a picture of an unhappy elephant and added a ton of reasons for the elephant to be unhappy. I then gave the kids a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers for them to examine the elephant! It was a lot of work, but the kids loved it!
E worksheet
Elephant day just wouldn't be complete without elephant hats!
Tuesday: Egg day
The kids were a little leery about eating the green eggs, but ended up eating them all...and since then have had to make colored eggs every morning for breakfast :)
Wednesday (E bodyparts)
Luckily, being so close to Halloween, we found a bag of chocolate eyes! The kids glued this to the letter E after taste testing a few of them
After eyes, we painted using only our elbows!
Messy, but tons of fun!
This activity took the most time, but was a big success. I drew monsters, eyes, ears and eyebrows and allowed the kids to switch them up, taking turns to make a different monster each time.
The animals we made out of the letter E
Friday: review and electricity
My friend brought over his Van de Graff Generator as we talked about electricity. My son LOVED this so much, that even my mom came in to see what all the giggling was about :)
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