Back here again

For years, I saw my life crumble down around me.  Like a prisoner I allowed myself to be trapped, thinking, feeling that this was my circumstance and I just had to endure.  Endure and then endure more; still.  Then my circumstances changed and I felt worse than ever at the rubble around my feet.  How was I supposed to endure this?  I told myself enduring wasn't enough.  I had to work.  So work I have.  Work. Work and then work some more and although life is better than it was a year ago, here it is once again 12:46 in the morning and I am here on my blog because I cannot sleep and mean, taunting voices are pulling my thoughts to the dark hole I buried them in as I dug myself free.  The dark voices that tell me that due to my health, since I hadn't been able to work out regularly, I have gained back 15lb that took me over six months to lose the last time.  It is nagging deep down inside my belly, reminding me that I no longer have a husband or a home or space to call my own.  That despite my very best efforts, I will only amount to a single mom and like it or not, it will never be as good as what a mom and dad can offer.  A voice that dredges up my every mistake, bashing against my ego and self esteem.  The very self esteem I have worked so long and hard on, to find just how vulnerable it still is when every lonely night makes me miss what I no longer have and hate myself for somehow not having it.  I read my scriptures.  I say my prayers and still I am just too weak.  too  imperfect. Too lost. Never good enough.  Never strong enough.  Never enough.

Matt and I have gone from dating to casual dating.  Things didn't feel right, although the word yet keeps coming to mind, it was still hard not to see all the red flags that showed me we were just not on the same page, or the same stage of life.  I do care very much for him, but it all just feels so confused.  And nights like these, I can't help but think of my ex husband.  I wasn't supposed to have to ever date again.  He was supposed to be my forever and I foolishly believed in forever, when it is clear that was only his belief for little over a year of our marriage.  I shouldn't have to feel alone and scared of never trusting someone again or scared of never feeling the way I felt with him ever again.  Despite what I was to him; he was my anchor for nine years and I did; I anchored myself to him and now a year later he comes to mind and I hate that I still think of him and I hate that I think of him, when I hate myself the most.  Because how is that love? and why is it, that I want what I had with him, all over again, but with someone new?  I hate not knowing where I am going or what person is the right person, or choice, is the right choice.  I hate feeling so lost and so confused. And that is why I haven't posted in so long.  How am I supposed to talk about me, when I don't know where I am at?  When I have a positive filter on so that while I am still dealing with a lot of crap, I am glossing over it just reminding myself, I am doing all that I can.  But tonight, that just isn't enough.  I am sick, I am in pain (as always) and I just don't have any more endurance or fight to work left in me and I can't even sleep to be a functioning mom come tomorrow which really sucks because no matter what, those two kiddos of mine get up, bright and early (and sometimes just early) expecting me to meet their needs.  And I sit here hating myself as I wonder, how can I meet their needs, when I cannot even meet my own? 

Why does everyone buy into the happy Cherish?  Because I am that convincing? because I should be healed and moved in already? or because it is easier to accept me happy than who I am sad?  I am half tempted to give up dating altogether for a while, stop trying so hard and just see what comes to me, but then again, how do I live with myself when nothing comes or when I still don't know what to do with what is in front of me?

1:13 AM and five tissues later and sadly I am no closer to sleep.  Pray for me.