Grace

For some time now I have really been struggling internally.  I know I voiced some of the ricocheting thoughts that have been cluttering my mind in a very depressing post earlier on, but for weeks it has drained me as I have felt as if there is some choice I need to be making, yet feeling completely lost as to what I should be doing.  For so long I have felt like I have been floundering around in the feeling I had for different men, the choices I should be making for myself or for my children and overall the general direction of my life.  I have felt trapped, stagnant and very confused as I feel like there is something big coming and I am supposed to be preparing for it, yet I have no idea what it is or how I should be preparing.  It has become terrifying as the last time I felt like something big was coming, it was a very strong feeling (like this) that lasted for weeks; up until the point of the car accident.  So maybe that explains a little better why for about a month, I have just felt completely unhinged.  I feel like I should be doing something in order to find that special person who is out there for me and have felt so conflicted.  You see, I have two amazing men I know who have made it clear they want the opportunity to be exactly what I am looking for, yet I haven't received the confirmation I need to be at peace with either.  So for hours I talk myself in circles about the great qualities these men have, dizzying myself with possibilities and what ifs, only leaving myself more conflicted and confused than before.  In response I did what I always do in these situations: mediation, prayer, scripture reading, fasting, temple attendance and while these things bring me peace, nothing was calming the storm inside of me.  I feel bad admitting this as it was only a thought and not something I actually believe, but in my frustration and exhaustion thought and felt that I had been a little abandoned, as if God wanted me to figure something out that clearly I was incapable of doing on my own.
well, this morning I had the blessing to attend women's conference with the acclaimed speaker and author Sheri Dew.  As you can imagine, the church was completely packed and while I was excited to hear what she had to say, I wasn't at all expecting her to answer the question to my prayers, which is exactly what I got.  There were hundreds of women gathered there today, but when she looked out on the audience her words and the spirit's teaching words through the gift of the Holy Ghost touched my heart and were directed specifically to me. 
In the last several weeks, I have explained the turmoil my mind and spirit have been in despite my best efforts to find peace and guidance.  Let me share what I learned from Sheri Dew that answered to me how to achieve the gift and answer I sought.
She began talking about the power of God and how we all had the ability to call upon that power in our own lives and how we as members of church believe that as we make promises and covenants to God, we receive promises and blessings in return, giving us direct access to this power in our lives.  "We have the dramatic affect of how much of God's power is in our life.  We must seek and ask." She then went on to address that as humans we learn through questioning and how it isn't a bad thing to have questions about the church, or doctrine, or the role God plays in our lives, or how we will be able to do this, that, etc.  It is a positive power to have questions, but in order to resolve the conflict of some of these difficult questions, we must ask ourselves this: Are you willing to engage in a spiritual wrestle?  "Most growth, answers and inspiration require a spiritual wrestle" She explained that in wresting you did not rely on strength alone; you have to learn to leverage your weight and strength in order to overpower an opponent. "the more we understand [the atonement/love of Christ/gospel] the more we have to leverage against our doubts and questions...we have become conditioned to believing we can have an answer in the snap of a finger, but this is a fallacy; a wrestle is required!"
This direction was humbling as only a night or two before in my pride, I was feeling a little sorry for myself wondering why situations, knowledge, choices and direction had not ever come easily to me in my life.  I felt it unfair to have to work and work and work for something that I could only hope was right.  Her words were reaffirming that this method of wrestling is how we come to find truth as we search it out within ourselves, wrestling out the untruths or wring choices or temptations to find the good, the true, the real.
She then focused her attention on one topic, encouraging and challenging us to wrestle for ourselves with one topic: Grace.
She defined grace (As described in the bible) as a divine enabling power.  It is the redeeming (healing) power of Jesus Christ. Blessing us with an opportunity to "feel that burden no more"  There are many things in this life that are bigger than us.  Things that we cannot do on our own.  Grace is the power to overcome and deal with those situations above out capacity.  (Luke 4:18)  She continued to define Grace as a way, not to change circumstances, but our hearts. 
This was it; she was talking to me.  My testimony, my faith, although not perfect, are true and strong.  I know my Father in Heaven is always there, but in order to find the peace I needed to first understand the concept of Grace and how to gain access to it. What it will help me with; when it is present; and how to know when it is helping me.  The Lord will guide me (faith required) but the peace, the calm I am seeking; that comes from grace and I need to wrestle with that concept to understand it to the fullest the way the Lord would want me to.  Is it not everything he stood for and gave and taught as he gave himself as the atonement.  The power of the atonement and that grace from God is a power to not only forgive our sins through repentance, or to give us an ally who understands out personal existence as he triumphed over EVERY human misery, but it is also a means and a power to heal our hearts.
"Every spiritual gift we have is a manifestation of grace."
For weeks I have been praying for guidance and peace and today  I was validated in that I am wrestling for a purpose and in the right way and was given a reminder and power to call upon in my search for peace. Hearing Sister Dew's message today brought me peace as it touched my heart indicating what she was saying was true and right and has inspired me to search more deeply into the concept of grace to find the peace to wrestle and overcome the doubt, loneliness, temper and other imperfections and flaws I find in my life.