Losing hope, yet keeping it all at the same time

                Being single is hard work. There is nothing easy about dating.  If you are single, it is because you have walked away from a relationship in the past that did not work out.  This puts the single folk in a position where they are carrying around memories and baggage (as we will always carry around mementos from our past) along with a list of needs or expectations having learned the hard way one or more times what does not work.  This is where I find myself. I turn thirty next month and I found myself once again single; the very think I thought I had done away with in my life when I was married at the age of twenty one.  Yet, here I am, young, but not young enough, with two kids, and with nine years of memories jaded with the image of my Ex.

                The last couple of years were very difficult with my Ex and I would even go as far as to say abusive, while not physically, still left me with marks  Things were so bad in the end I started to look forward to dating with excitement, wondering what it would be like to have a guy work to gain my attention.  To be with someone who wanted to be with me, not simply because they were trying to endure our matrimonial covenants. Despite this excitement, I was a wreck after my Ex left and spent most of the next year trying to heal myself of the emotional and spiritual wounds that had been inflicted on my through my Ex and through the poisonous relationship we both fostered. I then dated a couple of men who had been close friends, making dating seems anything but scary, but now after all of that is past, here I am starting off a new decade in a situation I realize I was right to fear prior to my marriage. 

Whoever told me dating was fun, was a bold faced liar.  Fun comes in after several dates, when you move past dating and into more of a relationship. Relationships are fun, but dating is not.  First dates are especially awful.  At first you are excited or even nonchalant about a person, but the closer you get to a date the more nervous and apprehensive you get because despite trying to be optimistic and hopeful,  you can’t help but remember every bad first date you have been on.  Then the fears flood you.  Fears of what the other person may or may not be like, fears of yourself and whether you are enough, which leads you to this weird state in which you put way too much pressure on yourself and getting ready as you have already come to the realization that a first date is nothing more than a show horse competition (excuse my analogy as I have been watching a lot of “Heartland” lately).  Basically you have a couple of hours where you will be judged. Usually on looks, career, hobbies, likes, dislikes and sometimes even political and religious opinions.  You are there to try and put your best foot forward; making the jumps your date throws at you and all the while trying to look pretty in the process, but if that weren’t complicated enough, you too are scoring and judging your date with your own set of criteria and needs, that come the end of the date, you don’t even know if you were even scoring one another on the same criteria, Heck, in the end, you don’t even know if you were even considered to be scored in the first place. Now you might argue that good communication could circumvent all of this.  Well, I disagree.  You can only be so honest and so direct before you come off as pushy, unapproachable, hard or too aggressive and if you are in fact earning points, you can’t afford to be labeled in such a way.  As I mentioned, you are doing judging of your own.  Where in a short period of time you essentially try and develop a connection to merit a second date, while not trying to get too attached so you aren’t hurt and disappointed if a second date doesn’t happen. 

So, once again dating is not fun, at least for me it is not.  You never know the person well enough to really feel comfortable and if you aren’t one hundred percent comfortable, how can you really be yourself? This is where I currently sit.  In the last two weeks I have had three first dates and no second dates and I can’t help but feel sad and lonely feeling like I’m not good enough; I must just be really bad at first impressions; or there just isn’t a guy out there for me, which brings me to my title. I have lost hope in finding a guy and remarrying.  Does this mean I am giving up? No. I will still go on dates if for no other reason than to maybe meet a new friend or two, but I no longer spend hours fantasizing and imagining what my next husband might be like.  I will not go out of my way to the point of incontinence to meet a new guy. I will not believe that I deserve a second chance in love and marriage.  Instead, I will focus on the hope that I do have.  I have hope in my temple covenants and of the covenants that I made when I was sealed.  I will hope in my Savior and in his timing knowing that even if I never have the experience here on earth, I will in fact have the opportunity to be bound to a noble and great man dependant on staying true to the promises I made with the Lord. So while I don’t hope for a new man in my life, I hope in the Lord and I have faith that if he chooses to bless me in such a way, then it will happen as long as I am doing all that I can.

I apologize if this comes off negative as that is not what is meant, rather, dating is difficult, which has led me to shift my perspective from a worldly one to an eternal one.

The American Flag

For Memorial Day my parents put up the American flag in on the flag pole that is attached to their house. My very curious four year old upon seeing it asked what that flag meant and why it was put on the house. I explained as simply that I could that Men and Women fought and still fight for us that we can have everything that we have.  I told him that the flag was to remind us that we live in a country where we have freedom. This satisfied his curiosity, yet the very next day he asked the same question.  I gave to him the same response.  Several days later he again asked the same question.  I was stressed out and in a hurry that I responded that he already knew the answer and that he should tell me what it meant.  I saw the thoughts in his head spinning as he had his thinking face on.  He then responded, “Oh, I remember! It is the Title of Liberty.” His answer surprised me greatly as obviously that wasn’t the definition I gave him yet I was very impressed as one of my favorite stories found in the Book of Mormon is that of Captain Moroni.  “Moroni, in response to dissensions within his own nation, rent his coat and wrote upon it, making of it a memorial to God, their religion, their freedoms, and their families, and then fastened it upon the end of a pole. ‘He went forth among the people, waving the rent part of his garment in the air, that all might see the writing which he had written upon the rent part, and crying with a loud voice saying: Behold, whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them’” (Alma 46:19-20)

I have obviously shared this story with my son before but was astounded that my four year old could not only remember this story, but to also make the connection. I replied that he was very right and that the American flag is in fact a title of liberty. Astounded and impressed I shared this experience with my friend.  She admitted that she too was impressed but due to her experiences as an Army wife and with a distaste in her mouth from the current political situations she said she had a hard time seeing the American flag as such a title.  I very much agree with her statement in the fact that I too am not happy with the state of our country. I could write pages about all the corrupt aspects, how we have less and less freedom, and how people no longer challenge what they are told through experience or knowledge, but blindly accept politicians, regulations and other implementations.  I reminded her however that while the flag is a visual representation of our country, it is more so a representation of what we believe and the liberties we want and enjoy and that should our nation ever get to a state of dictatorship the flag would in no way represent that, rather it would still represent its original statutes of liberty. I then shared this: “Responding to Moroni’s challenge, many came forth ‘rending their garments in token, or as a covenant, that they would not forsake the Lord their God,’ and that they would not transgress his holy laws, nor would they be ashamed to take upon them the name of Christ, for should they do so, ‘the Lord should rend them even as they had rent their garments.’” (Alma 46:21-27)

Basically, the flag, our flag stands for the freedoms and beliefs each individual holds and has the freedom to enjoy and should those liberties be threatened we would respond in arms like Captain Moroni and his faithful countrymen to rid our country of such a threat. There is a lot of deep doctrine here that I don’t feel inspired or impressed to go into, but let me close in saying this: The most important law is God’s law, which we can reduce even in its simplest forms to the first two commandments. Let me paraphrase: 1. Love the Lord God with all your heart and 2. Love thy neighbor as yourself. If everyone alive loved their God (their standards beliefs etc) and treated every person the same way they treated their self then all violence, crime and every other disagreement would be completely irradiated.   Yet, should this right to worship as we believe, them like Moroni, we should arm ourselves for such rights. My belief in God is strong. I bear testimony that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, given to his prophets as is the Bible.  I am blessed and proud of my children who retain the stories I teach them and who then teach me.  Know your freedoms.  Know your beliefs and hold them dear.  Understand at what cost they were given to you and at what cost you would pay for them.

Why the selfie is more than just narcissism

For any popular “it thing” there is just as much back lash with vocal haters.  So too seems to be seen with the selfie.  More times than not you only hear why the selfie is an epidemic that needs to be done away with.  People who take selfies are labeled as vain, narcissistic, and classless. There seems to be so much judgment and hostility towards a way in which a picture is taken and the people taking those pictures. Like with anything, there are those that take things to more of an extreme, such as those individuals that use a selfie stick; however, I would like to give you the facts for why a selfie is not only appropriate, but healthy.

1.       Opportunity: I am a single mom.  Almost 98% of my day I am completely alone: me and my two toddlers.  Believe it or not, my young children are not very capable at taking a good photo.  I however think I take a decent photo.  What ended up happening that for two years, while I transitioned into singlehood after my divorce and transformed my body, attitude and life I had very few pictures of myself and my transformation.  If there was no way to take a selfie, I wouldn’t have any documentation of this big stage in my life.  Because of the selfie, I have the opportunity to be in photos I would in no other way be able to.

2.       No one is left out: While this is an addendum to the first point, it is still valid. How many times at Christmas, a social event, etc have wanted a picture of the entire group but are not in a place where someone is available to take your photo? I know I have experienced this and what ends up happening is one person volunteers to take the photo, being left out of the picture and after many years pass, tends to be left out from the memory as well.  Face it, without visual representation we forget things easily and quickly. Now while I am not an advocate for a selfie stick, here is my rebuttle against it: does it really matter if a picture is taken with a tripod or with a stick?

3.       Close proximity: When taking a selfie, you are typically taking a close up as you can only extend your camera the length of the reach of your arm.  Because of this when taking a picture with anyone else you are forced to huddle close to each other in order to fit in the frame.  Do I even need to argue why this is a good thing?  Especially in an age where we have become more and more disconnected with other people as anything anymore is more technological that it is social.  Even on social media, most things I find posted are recipies, memes and videos.  Even though it only takes a couple seconds to take a selfie, it is a couple seconds you are interacting closely with a human being you care enough about to take a picture with.

4.       How you view yourself: Now for me, this one is the most important point of all. While I feel this applies to everyone, obviously my life experiences has given me a perspective from a woman’s point of view.  Everywhere you turn women are becoming more sexualized that ever before.  Commercials for underwear show as much as soft porn used to.  As women, we are caught in a society run juxtaposition: you are a beautiful object that should be shown off and appreciated, yet also, are shamed for posting pictures of ourselves and quickly labeled vain when we show our face or bodies for anything other than sex. I know that is a very rough generalization, but the point I am trying to make is this: we are ALWAYS being judged.  Once again, I am sure this applies to male and female alike, but I can only speak from my experiences.  A woman posts a photo and she is labeled vain, seeking attention, or trying to get an interest’s attention.  However, that is WRONG, and while I am sure some women post selfies for one of those reasons I am willing to bet it isn’t the majority as it seems to be stated.  I post selfies of myself for ME and me alone.  Facebook is an amazing thing as are other social media sites, but I upload all photos to Facebook so that I have them safely saved to a place other that my phone or my computer.  I post selfies to facebook because I like the way I view myself, and come on, isn’t that something we all struggle with?  For years I have faught with low self esteem, especially when it came to my weight and my looks.  So when there is a day that even though I am not at my goal weight, haven’t had my hair profecionally done, etc and still feel beautiful, I celebrate that with myself.  I love myself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.  In fact, I believe most people don’t love themselves enough, so then why when we are trying to reclaim the love we need to have, would you label and trash us “selfie takers?”

Now do we need selfies of you in your gym bathroom all over Facebook? Who am I to judge? Maybe that is the motivation that person needs: to look at themselves to see what they accomplish; to then inspire them to do it again tomorrow. The selfie is a great way to find new ways of expressing ourselves and loving ourselves.  I guess I pose this question and welcome all comments: If you are a selfie hater, what is it that make you so against them?