miscarriage: Part Two

Since tonight marks the end of the old year, I figure I might as well share the second part to my miscarriage and be done with some of the emotional turmoil I have been carrying around.  It has been a long process because for days and even weeks after the miscarriage I felt as if I couldn’t mourn for the baby and deal with those emotions because we were still trying to deal with everything from the fire.  Every free second went to trying to search for items to be saved, inventory, and insurance.  I knew if I focused on the feelings of loss from the miscarriage I would shut down emotionally and physically and no one in my family could afford that.  Although we had help from others Josh and I were leaning on each other, so we were only as strong as the other and if I collapsed I knew he would too.  Not to mention Dorian had started showing signs of anxiety he had never shown before such as moodiness as well as a new attachment to a blanket and other little behavioral issues that had me worried about him.  My mom let me know it was perfectly natural for him to show these signs with all he had been through as well as to remember that the kid fed off my emotions.  If I was already adding to my child’s distress how could I deal with more than I was already dealing with?  I decided instead to ignore my loss for the time being.

Unfortunately, that is not something that can be ignored easily.  I tried to follow the chaotic pace we had fallen into before the miscarriage, but my body lagged in a way that deceived me.  I had given birth; my body didn’t know my body would not need it to nurse or care for a new infant and since I had not dealt with the emotions I still felt pregnant.  My belly was still bloated and round and my breast were still engorged and tender.  My mood swings were everywhere and I felt that the fatigue had me crawling on the floor by the end of the day.  No different than being pregnant right?  My clothes remained tight on my body and so I ignored the loss until quiet moments of reality hit me with a sobering quickness. More than once I had been sitting down and noticed my ample belly and placed a protective hand on it to caress it before I realized I was no longer caressing a growing child.  It also didn’t help my emotions or my state of mind when the only clothes I owned had been donated to me right after the fire, which meant all I had was maternity clothes. 

Reality continued to creep into my suppressed illusions when I would watch Dorian play and have to remind myself that I would no longer have to worry about fitting a crib into the same room.  I would no longer have to replace baby items.  The truth stung and I realized the poison my habits of disregard had turned into.  I was really impressed with the hospital I had delivered at though because they had given us a book before we left that included pictures of out child as well as other information.  When I could no longer ignore reality, I turned to that book and it was like a bible to me as I turned through the pages multiple times a day searching for answers.  All I ever found though was love and loss and I tried to understand the purpose.

Two and a half weeks after the miscarriage we met again with the doctor to find out that the baby had a chromosome deficiency, which when tested revealed to be Down syndrome. The doctor assured us that the way his body was developing it really was better off for him to perish the way he had and although it had been difficult, had he made it to birth he wouldn’t have lasted long afterwards. Josh and I kept telling this piece of information to the other as if saying it enough times would convince us that death was the better option.  I reviewed my entire pregnancy in my head over and over and would remember the time I had thought that maybe I couldn’t raise two kids, maybe this wasn’t the right time for another kid and I felt guilt for such thoughts as these thoughts alone had willed my premature child’s death.  It has taken some time, but I now believe that was God’s way of preparing me for what was to come.  I know I still have not dealt with the loss completely.  Even here on vacation I remember thinking while on the beach that I was twenty weeks pregnant because that how far along I should have been.  I think this still means I have emotions to deal with, especially when I can pick out all the pregnant women in the room within the first minute; obviously, it is still in my heart and on my mind.  On that note though I know all that has happened has been part of God’s plan and Josh and I plan on trying again as soon as it is deemed safe to do so after my body heals and we have healed emotionally.  Weather it takes two months or three years again we know we are meant to add to our family and we plan to do so.  Thanks for all the support and thanks to all who read my convoluted thoughts and emotions.  I love you all!