Despite our separation we still talked every night for hours sharing in each other’s concerns and accomplishments. We still talked and acted as if we were a couple and I held onto the hope that we could still one day be together. So while I waited to get better I also waited for Josh to turn his life around. I was cautious as not to push him away by judging him, so I often avoided talking about his lifestyle choices. We told each other our day’s agenda in such detail it sometimes felt as if we had in fact spent the day together. At least this is how I imagined things in my head. I naively held onto the belief that Josh still had such romantic emotions for me as well. After all, we never got off the phone without words of love, devotion and appreciation.
It was because of these feelings and beliefs that Josh and I talked more and more of having him come out to visit me. The date was set and his ticket purchased. He would be out here at the end of May.
I have to admit I had several fears about this trip. I knew how my parents felt about Josh and since his trip would be only a couple of days I decided my parents didn’t really need to know too much about it. I let my parents know he would be visiting but that they wouldn’t need to worry about seeing him at the house.
Unfortunately, these were not my only fears and concerns. I felt as if I was a totally different person and feared that he would no longer love me, especially now that he had made a new life for himself in Florida. I was horribly self conscious of the scars that stretched over my abdomen and back. I found them repulsive, so why wouldn’t he? Yet all of this wasn’t what I feared the most. I was afraid he wouldn’t hold and touch me in the same way because he was scared he would break me.
Ever since the accident I hadn’t received a real hug. I appreciated the concern people had as they tenderly wrapped their arms around my healing frame, but so badly I wanted nothing else than to be held, to fell the press of someone’s heart against mine. As silly as it sounds, I refused to ask someone to hold me. In my mind, that defeated the whole purpose. I wanted him to be able to look into my eyes and know. I wanted him to once again see me again in ways other people could not. Although I had never considered myself a romantic I began to believe the old adage that only a lover’s eyes can see what others cannot.
My anticipation grew the closer his arrival became and before I realized it, it was time to pick him up from the airport. A flash of déjà washed over me as I climbed into the car. I had to remind myself that last time we were taking him away, this time I was going to go get him back. The whole drive there I wondered what he would look like. I know it had only been a couple of months but I had changed so much physically, why wouldn’t he?
I circled the airport several times waiting for him to show up at the arrival pickup. My fears intensified and conversations with my mother and negative thoughts went flying through my mind as I tried to delude myself into thinking that it would be okay to get back together with him and that it didn’t matter what other people thought. After all, he was flying all the way out here to visit me; doesn’t that make up for something? Doesn’t that show he didn’t abandon me? Doesn’t it show a little responsibility?
All thoughts turned blank the moment I spotted his tan body, bright against the white shirt he wore. His tattered jean shorts and ragged tennis shoes showed me he was still the boy I fell in love with. I quickly parked the car and hurried to meet him. I wasn’t sure how I imagined it, but it was better than anything I could have imagined when he folded his arms around me and buried his head into my shoulder. His arms firm, but gentle, held me close. The hug was ecstasy and I knew then he still knew me better than anyone else. The hug was shorter than I would have liked, but we threw his bag in the back of the car and were on our way.
As soon as we were in the car his hand was curled around mine. He began talking about his flight and the difficulty he had in finding his way to the arrival pickup. It was surreal having his body next to mine again. It was such a short time ago we had been making plans together but it was also a lifetime ago. We were different people. However, with him there next to me I came to a realization. Although I was a different person, I still loved the same people I had before the accident and at that moment Josh was number one on my list.
We had nowhere to go and nothing to do so we ended up at the Cherry Creek reservoir. We sat in the back seat of my ’89 baby blue Toyota Camry with the windows down and the radio up as we lie in each other’s arms. I could tell from the way he looked at me and held me that he wanted me; that he wanted to be here with me in this moment. I wanted nothing more and for the first time since the accident I felt perfect contentment. I didn’t have to ask if he was just visiting me out of expected concern or responsibility. I knew he was here for me. Although we fell comfortably into each other’s arms, there was a slight awkwardness because I wanted nothing more than to feel the hotness of his lips and the taste of his breath. Once again though I felt that was something I could not initiate. Partly because I wanted him to kiss me first and also because technically we were not together and I wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to be. I wanted nothing more than for time to stand still for this moment because it filled in all the holes and doubts his departure had created. I felt whole and healthy in his arms. When I was with him, not every thought was about my back or my pain. It was about us. It was about love and everything love could accomplish.
I knew such thoughts sounded naive and asinine but when his lips finally met mine we melted together. It was if everything that had happened had all just been a bad dream. It felt so good to feel his hand on the back of my neck pressing my lips to his. It was the best thing I had felt in months. Honestly, it is the first positive physical feeling I remember having. When my days were twenty four hours of pain, such an escape was a need and his lips became my addiction. Once we started kissing it was a long time before we stopped.
His goatee tickled and scratched my chin until it was raw but we continued to cling to each other. Such actions made me once again feel sexy and comfortable. Since the accident I had lost a lot of weight and for once I felt beautiful and deserving of his attentions as I tried to forget the hideous scars that marred my body. I wanted him to see me. I wanted him to see my new body and look into my eyes and see the new me. In my mind the old me died in the car accident. The new me wanted to live life for myself. Although I felt completely different, I still felt as if I hadn’t changed that much. My morals were still the same, but my self-doubts and apprehensions were gone. I felt like a world of contradictions: happy yet sad, in love yet alone, tired yet awake. I liked to think my scars were me just splitting at the seams. The biggest opposition though was Josh. I loved him, but was he right for me?
As he held and kissed me, it was if he was kissing up the tears of contradictions showing me he knew how to love me and what I needed. He took me for long car rides, just sitting in each other’s company and taking in the May sun. Just being with him opened my eyes and I felt like I knew how to live life with him; I had never felt like this with any other person in my life. What was it that made him so different? There was a charm to him but the pull that brought me close to him was the same unexplainable pull that I had felt from the beginning. I could see his potential and what I saw was amazing. I wanted to be amazing with him.
His weekend trip sped by too quickly and before I knew it, I was dropping him off at the airport. I didn’t even wait until he was out of the car before I started crying. During his trip out here I didn’t abandon my morals, but I did allow him to go further than I had with any other boy. In my mind this connected us. He knew how sacred and important my choices of virtue were. For me, sharing such passionate kisses was just another expression of my loyalty and connection to him. Although we didn’t talk about whether we were a couple or not, I just assumed we were after the connection we had experienced.
He pressed his cheek against my tear stained one as he kissed me goodbye. When he stepped out of my car, I felt all the pain I had felt before. All of the sudden I could once again fell the throb of every muscle in my back, but more acute was the tear of my heart because without him knowing, he had taken half of it with him when he left.
I was torn in two. Josh was in Florida and I was in Colorado. Yet there was something else still tearing me in two; I knew what I wanted and needed and Josh still couldn’t offer what I felt like I deserved. Nothing had changed. I could still taste the cigarette smoke on his breath when I kissed him and I knew cigarettes were just the beginning. How could I still love someone so much despite the fact that we were so opposite? Why was it I was so drawn to him knowing everything he did? I didn’t stick around because I wanted to change him. Yes, I wanted him to change but I knew that was something I could never do, it wouldn’t last; just like before. So why, why did I go against everything my parents and friends warned against? Why did I give so much of myself and my time to a boy I knew I would never really end up with?
I never could answer these questions, but I could ignore them, so that’s what I did. I knew one thing for sure. In the chaotic, painful world I lived in, there was only one thing I could wake up every morning knowing: I still loved Joshua.
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