After Josh left I didn’t hear from him for a week. That was a long week of wasted time waiting for him to call. He had called my every night since the accident so I was frustrated and scarred as to why he didn’t call me. When he did call again he sounded like a different person. I asked him if I had done anything wrong. He assured me I had not, but that things were busy and hectic for him. His dad retired from the Air Force and had decided to move the family to Idaho. Josh didn’t want to leave his friends so he talked of making plans to get an apartment with his buddy Bret.
I knew there was no point in trying to get him to go with his parent’s because he had already made up his mind. I asked him how he was doing with his habits and he admitted to me that he had been smoking larger quantities of weed. I decided not to ask any more questions. I knew Josh had the potential to clean himself up and that he would when he had a reason to. I guess I just hopped I was reason enough. That night though, I came to the realization that I was not.
Mentally and emotionally it felt as if I was reliving the pain of the accident over again as I saw our worlds drift farther apart and so soon after I had decided not to give up on him. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I figured I would leave it to him. If he wanted me in his life he would show me.
I waited and waited. It was another two weeks before he called again. I think he was high when he called me because he sounded different. He sounded slower and unfocused. He never knew how that call broke my heart. He never knew I got off the phone and cried for the loss of our love and the loss of our valuable relationship. He didn’t know because at that point he didn’t care. Josh had once again entered a world of drugs and when that happened all he could think about was himself and where he would get his next fix.
Of course I didn’t realize this right away. However after so many nights of disappointment waiting for a phone to ring that never did, I decided to do what I had planned. I was going to staple together my heart the same way my body had been stapled together. I was going to overcome and live and love. I just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.
At the beginning of July I was astonished to hear my mom announcing my long time High School friend at the door. Dan and I had been really close in school. We had several classes and off hours together. In fact Dan and I dated on and off for our four years of High School. That was also the unfortunate reason we had lost touch. He accused me of breaking up his relationship with a girlfriend he had senior year and joined the Army reserves, neglecting to say goodbye. I was hurt that our friendship had ended in such a way, so it was surreal to see him on my front door step. He told me he had moved to Arkansas and had been in town to visit a friend when he learned of my accident. He said there was no hesitation in his coming over. He talked of how he wished he had known sooner and he was sorry for the way things had ended because nothing was worth throwing away our friendship.
It was comfortable as we sat on my parent’s brown fabric couch, surrounded by floral pillows, filling each other in on what we had missed. Dan had been in the reserves now for a year and a half and had been trained as a military police officer. He was scheduled to be deployed to Iraq at the end of the summer. Although I enjoyed the conversation I was more excited about how he looked and the way he was acting towards me. Since Dan had joined the Army he too had lost some weight and he kept complimenting me on my new slimmer figure. Although his weight had changed he still had the same mischievous grin, talkative green eyes, short hair that curled at the ends and a thick muscular build. I could tell he wanted to be with me as he sat close stringing together conversation with jokes and stories. I felt wanted and I needed that now more than ever since I had basically been rejected by the boy I loved. I told Dan of my relationship with Josh and he thought it comical that I had ended up with him for so long. He too knew of Josh and his habits and had never gotten along with Josh. More accurately Josh tormented Dan in High School just as much as he had tormented me, but for me that was a different person and a different life.
Dan admitted he was glad I was single because we had never had a relationship without High School drama or a relationship without other people getting involved. He told me that I may have been with Josh, but I would end up with a person like him. He said I needed someone who was clean, someone who had the same morals I did. Although Dan and I were of different faiths, we still held to the belief of saving ourselves for marriage. He told me I needed someone to take care of me, but still know when I needed my space. He said I needed a man who valued family, work, and commitment. He said I needed him and I believed him. Everything he said I needed was everything I had been telling Josh I needed.
I felt a little guilty at first because of the strong feeling I still held for Josh, but I figured Dan was right. He did know what I needed, he always had. Plus we had always gotten along so well together, I deserved to give this relationship a chance. It wasn’t like we said we were boyfriend or girlfriend, but we spent every waking moment together. He was a gentleman and was delicate with my healing body; as we went swimming and I felt drawn to him once again. He took me to his friend’s house and introduced me to the family. I felt so at home being in his arms. Everything was going so well. Then he kissed me. It wasn’t a bad kiss; it just wasn’t a Josh kiss. I was horrified that while kissing Dan all I was thinking about was Josh and what it would feel and be like if he was the one holding me. I tried desperately to push Josh from my mind but he seemed to be in every touch, every smell, and every sound. I tried to ignore it and wrote it off as just being so emotionally attached for so long. Plus why should I feel feelings for him when he chose his drugs over me? What does that say I am worth? I quickly came to the conclusion that I had a good man here with me; I should enjoy his company and see where this went.
Unfortunately, Dan was only in town for a couple of days. Although he stayed two days past his original plan, he had to head home and return to work but he promised he would be out soon to visit me. Although Josh no longer called me at nights, Dan did. We mostly talked of religion. I told him that I really wanted to marry someone of my faith because of what I believed and because that would be the only way our parents would accept marriage. Not that I was planning for marriage, just sharing our values and belief with one another. Dan was open to things although there were clearly some things he did not believe. Sometimes he grew frustrated with me because I didn’t want to get too serious with him due to the religious reasons but that I had been willing to be so serious with Josh. I tried to explain to him that although Josh didn’t live the teachings of the church, he was still a member and still believed them. Meaning all he would have to do to marry me properly was to get rid of his addictions. Often times our heated discussions became too much and one or the other of us would hang up the phone prematurely. Despite this, as a couple we were doing well and made plans for him to come and visit again.
When Dan came back, once again we were inseparable. My parents asked if we were dating and although I knew they liked him a lot better than Josh, I knew they would still not approve due to our religious differences. I told them we were just friends, as we always had been. However, we were not just friends. I am not sure why I felt the need to deceive them, but to me it seemed easier this way. He held and kissed me, making me feel wanted and alive again. I still dealt with a lot of back pain but he was aware and compromising so as to make sure never to hurt me. We talked more and more about the future and the possibility of a lasting relationship. This was all going so quickly, I wasn’t sure how to react or respond. I wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family, but how could I do that when in my heart I knew I still loved Josh? How could I do that when I knew my parents would object? How could I do that knowing Dan was headed to Iraq?
We talked about all of these questions but still we talked more and more seriously about marriage. It isn’t like he got down and proposed, but he did ask me if I would marry him. I told him he was crazy. He replied that I was too. I asked how it would work and he offered the possibility of getting married before he left for Iraq that way the government would take care of me while he was gone. I pointed out that his parents too would object to our marriage due to the same religious differences. He said he didn’t care. He told me that since the day he met me he wanted nothing else than to be with me. How could I not melt at such words? Although I knew he was serious about his feeling for me, I could tell his plans of marriage were not. I think he was just scared to lose me. We were not ready for marriage as a couple or as individuals.
Dan had to return home soon so he could prepare to be shipped out. Before he left he gave me his military ring and asked if I would wear it. He said he wouldn’t ask me to wait because it wasn’t fair. He told me to date whomever I wanted, but to keep his ring safe. He told me he would pick it up when he got back. I had a heart shaped pendant on a necklace so I put his large military ring on that so I could wear it next to my heart. He kissed me one last time and told me that he was glad he had this time with me before he deployed. It somehow made everything worthwhile. I knew he wouldn’t be able to call much anymore and I would miss those phone calls, but I was proud of who he was and what he was doing. It was tragically romantic to watch him leave through my tear stained eyes, but in my heart I still had not learned to love Dan the way I had loved Josh. I was starting to worry I would never get over Josh. We hadn’t seen each other for two months and hadn’t talked for one. How then could I still pine for him? Why did I think of him when I lie awake late at night? As I watched Dan pull away I was glad he wasn’t serious about marriage because it was then that I realized I didn’t want to marry anyone except Josh because he was still the only person who knew how to talk to my soul.
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