inadequate

There is no doubt that motherhood is a divine calling.  I believe women are co-creators with God, meaning we have the noble task of bringing God’s precious souls into this mortal life.

              I don’t understand how when holding a newborn one can doubt or disbelieve in the existence of God.  When I hold these sweet spirit sons and daughters when they enter this world an indescribable peace, love and happiness washes over me, as if they are delivering blessings and well wishes from friends and family past.

              This is a very humbling moment; at least for me.  These little angels come to us perfect and while caring for these sweet defenseless souls, I feel all my inadequacies highlighted as I wonder, how I am going to teach them to be exactly as they are now: loving, peaceful and in tune with God?

              I know I am meant for this calling, or I know I would not have been blessed with the children I have.  Some days I just wish I was a better me so I can better help them be the best they can be.

Image

An image popped into my head today of an analogous person crying.  The tears were royal blue and stained the cheeks as they rolled down this person’s face.  If you looked close enough you could see faded stain marks of other colors from other tears shed, creating a somber rainbow if you looked for it.  The person did not look sad; the tears just overflowed and welled out of the eyes, staining a new path over paths already forged. 

I cry different colors.  As tears are just as subjective as the emotions that cause them.  Sometimes I don’t cry tears at all, but I am still crying.  If I were to cry now, the tears would be red and yellow, staining a path down my check to show someone on the outside that these tears were not shed in vain…even if they were not seen falling from my eyes, they still stain my cheek proving an emotion felt and if not heard, at least seen.

Another image of a person hunched over, no face visible, just the curved fetal position of a curved back and bowed head and at the feet a puddle of rainbow, reflecting the sorrowful expression.

Creature

So for my book club we are currently reading The Metamorphosis by Kafka.  For those of you unfamiliar with this short story it is about Gregor, a traveling salesman who turns into a bug overnight.  The way the bug is described many people have interpreted the bug to specifically be a cockroach which fit how Gregor felt about himself: ever industrious, but abhorred and looked down on.  This made me think; what would I be.  Not what animal or creature do I wish I was, rather what creature best represents me?  I have been thinking about this a long time and it is a tough question to answer, but after a lot of deliberation I think if I had to be represented in another form It would be in the form of a moth.  I think a moth is fitting as they undergo a radical transformation, from a lowly caterpillar of infancy to a creature that literally rises above.  Now I am aware moths do not have a long life span, but that does not mean they do not live full lives.  I am not predicting a short life, rather just a mantra to try and live by: no one knows when they will be called home, so become who you want to be and live life in a way you would be proud.  I don’t think I will be a big beautiful monarch butterfly, rather, I see myself as a common brown moth, just another one in a million.  I do not draw attention, but blend in as I follow and am drawn to the light ie. the things that make me happy and feel fulfilled.  I know there are people out there who don’t like me, but that doesn’t mean I need to let them stand in my way.  Although I seem fragile, I still try and fly even when someone man handles me and I lose the dust on my wings, I know what I am meant to be and that is what I will always try and be.

What creature are you?

Treat Hoarder

I have noticed that when my son finally possesses a coveted item, such as a marshmallow, rather than partake of his treat he holds it in his hand until my husband or I convince him to enjoy his treat.  I too am this way with things I enjoy.  I am one of those people who might buy a box of chocolates and only partake of small amounts on special occasions that I deem worthy of such a treat.  Sadly, many times I have forgotten I had the treat or it simply ruins before I to it.  Yet, still I have this intense desire to savor an item by tempting myself with it, telling myself I just might want or need it more on another day.  This means I do not enjoy the treat many days as I feel there is no reason to reward myself with such a thing and also this rejection give the treat this impossible standard that I am often disappointed when I do indulge in the item. 

My friend, when discussing this behavior with her, pointed out that this is a good life lesson.  How often do we, (meaning me) let life pass us by because we have unrealistic expectations of things in our life?  How often do we let life pass us by because we are too scared or preoccupied to just enjoy the moment?  I always regret and feel remiss when I discover a treat that could have been enjoyed that I missed out on.  I would hate to have any of those same regrets when looking back on my life.

Enjoy today.  You are here for a reason.  Live today as it is your life to live!

One Night

When his lips found min in the darkness, I felt the tentative pressure of his lips on mine.  I felt the concern.  I felt the longing.  I felt the lips of the man I married and not the lips of the stranger I have been living with this last year.  This glimpse gave me hope.  Hope that my insecurities were just insecurities and not some hidden truth.  Hope that there are more nights like this in our future.  Hope that the man I fell in love with and married is still inside the confused lost man I share my home with. 

I feel cheated that in the last year there have been only a couple of nights such as these when I was promised a lifetime, an eternity of nights like these.  I must remember however, that this was what I have and I should be thankful I at least have that one night as it is the diamond in the rough to encourage this process.  To remind me that this marriage is just that: something  of infinite value that just needs to be found and polished.

Dark Night

What is the point of being vocal about how I feel when no one hears?

I have struggled with depression for many years and for a long time I hid the pain and despair I constantly felt, deep within myself, tainting my experiences with that negativity.  I became aware of what I was doing and actively sought to be vocal about where I was at, what I was feeling and sharing my self-image with those around me..  I guess that just isn’t enough because the pain and negativity is only intensified when I share these raw, personal emotions only to be ignored.

It is not that I am ignored by everyone, just that I am ignored by the people I want most to hear me.  It hurts because it makes me feel as if I am not worth the time to be heard or worth the effort to be comforted or consoled, which is not what I am even searching for; just want to have a voice and for that voice to matter; there are these dark days though that I feel that this is not the case.

My depression is a compilation of all my insecurities and fears and when it takes over, that is all I am.  I am the fat girl, the naive girl, the selfish girl, the needy girl, the lonely girl, etc.  The mute girl who apparently can’t get the words out that need to be heard.

I don’t want your consolation or positive talk as I know this is a darker post.  I guess in writing this all I am looking for tonight is acknowledgement that I am not alone; that others feel just as powerless, ignored and conflicted as I do.  Don’t worry; I am sure this is just a hormone change and a dark night playing on my thoughts.  I will pick myself up ad I always do.  I just felt like sharing some of the raw.

Divine Nature

One reason I like my church is because we believe there is more to life than just worshiping God.  We believe that this life is a learning experience as we ourselves prepare to become higher deities as we continue to learn and grow.  Having said this, I have been thinking this morning about how we fail to value ourselves as a being with great potential.  Even if you do not believe as I do, I feel that we, especially women, tend to forget our potential as we get so caught up in what is expected of us here and now.

A very simple representation of this is when many young girls, and even us grown ones, refer to ourselves as a princess.  There is nothing wrong with seeing yourself as royalty because that is what we are, but why sell yourself short?  Why settle for princess when you can and should be queen?  Is it because we fail to see ourselves as worthy of this title, or we lack the desire to work for it?  I think in my life it is a little of both.

A queen is someone who stands as an example; someone who is looked up to and I know there are many traits and talents I lack that make me feel inadequate and unable to describe myself in this manner.  However, that doesn’t mean I can’t work on it.  I feel that in today’s society especially we have been devalued and often times only viewed as sexual objects when in reality we are co-creators with God in making human life.  This means we should respect our bodies and ourselves as we come to realize our potential within the confines of this life.  I need to work on having a positive body image as long as I am doing all I can to treat myself and my body as well as I can so that I can live up to the divinity within me.  Why must we feel the need to tear ourselves down, when there is so much of the outside world doing that for us already?  Remember who you are: a queen; a deity in training.

(Yes, this post was meant for me…sometimes I hear it better when I talk to myself J).

What Do I Have to Give?

November.  It has become popular to take the thankful challenge on Facebook and post things one is grateful for in their lives.  Although I don’t participate, I think it is always a great idea to count one’s blessings.  Having said that, let’s see if I can verbalize my train of thought:

Josh and I were talking in the car today about other eras and centuries we had wished to be born into.  I pointed out to Josh that he was romanticizing the feudalistic era he had chosen.  He acknowledged this and then concluded he was thankful to be born when he had been, in today’s era.  As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we believe we were saved for the last day; meaning, our gifts and abilities strengthened us to be here at this time and place.  Essentially, nothing is coincidental; we have something to offer and contribute which is why we are here now.  This led me to think: what are my gifts and abilities and why was I meant to be here, now?

I think it is great that we are thankful for the blessings in our lives, but I know I often overlook and neglect to be thankful for the talents and gifts I possess.  Especially in this day and age we find it easy to belittle ourselves and those around us: that I want to challenge you to identify five things about yourself you are thankful for.  Try and identify the things that allow you to serve others that typically are written off as a personality trait such as a meek disposition, learning a musical instrument easily, being a people person, etc (sadly, I lack these qualities, but can easily identify them in my friends).  I know this is difficult (or at least it was for me) but here are my five things.

1.       I feel emotions off of people, which usually makes me aware of a person on need of a hug or a listening ear.

2.       I am a bit OCD when it comes to organization, which helps me run my home smoothly, freeing up time I can spend with my spouse and children.  This skill has also been useful as I contribute this skill in some of my callings at church.

3.       My skill with crafts allows my children a Montessori style of learning that they thrive on, as well as provides me with a couple of skills I can teach to those who are interested in learning.

4.       Thirst for knowledge is something I feel is infectious and the point of our ministry on Earth.  This edifies me as well as my children as I am able to pass on knowledge and passion to them.

5.       Perspective.   Although I am well aware my thoughts are nothing more than typical, I feel my experience and in some cases my attitude have helped me empathize with others who have/ or are struggling with something similar to what I have experienced, allowing me to possibly be a support they felt they lacked.

Empowerment vs. victimization

              We all have trials and tribulations we are forced to encounter in this mortal life.  It is these trials that define who and what we are.  I have always been a strong believer that everything happens for a reason; meaning we are never weaker than the task or trial given up.  It is up to us, and us only to decide if we can rise to the challenge or become a victim of circumstance.  I bring this up because I realized the other day I have been playing the role of victim and I was highly disappointed in myself after always making a conscious effort to be empowered rather than victimized.  I believe this attitude began when Josh and I started having some difficulties.  I felt I had done all I could, which I still believe, but in my mind that justified my right to feel wronged. (I know that is worded awkwardly, yet I feel that best describes how I felt).  Although I did try to rise above the hurt and anger I was experiencing to fix my situation, I simultaneously began searching for the “cause” of such heartache.  One area in particular kept coming into focus and although I feel it deserves all the wrath and loathing I have given it; I ended up making myself the victim of its abuses.

I respect every men and woman who dedicate their time and lives to defend this country and I stand behind them %150 percent.  However, I do not support the institution of the Army.  I do not agree with how it is run, organized, enforced, or managed.  I feel that the time we have spent with the Army, has been some of the hardest times of our lives as I feel we have been dealt abuse after abuse.  The latest was this:  As you know while I was pregnant I encountered some difficulties which placed me on bed rest and made my pregnancy high risk.  Josh informed his officers of my condition and for the last month and a half Josh has not had to perform extra duty (which really isn’t a big deal as there are many men who go months without duty due to a lack of need). Well, Josh returned to work on Monday after his ten days of maternity leave and although his officers knew I had a c-section and we had a newborn at home, still assigned him CQ duty which means he had to work half the weekend and didn’t even get to come home Friday night.  Here I am two weeks post partum where I have been told to not even carry my newborn up the stairs by myself due to the strain on my body and I am forced to not only care for the newborn but my two year old son all by myself for two days straight.  I had to push myself physically and emotionally and the issue wasn’t whether I could do this or not as I would do anything to care for my children; I was upset that I should have to.  I felt I was once again a victim to the Army and their controlling officers, because duty (sitting around all night in case someone called the CQ phone) was more important than family.

You know what though?  I made it through those two days on my own just fine, despite the impromptu doctors visit that included taking both kids out of the house on my own.  That’s when it hit me: I was given this task to give me the confidence that I can be a mom to two and I can multi-task and meet the needs of both children.  When I got over feeling sorry for myself, I was able to see what it was I learned and accomplished.

In short, don’t make yourself the victim; you’re stronger than that!

Many Days

There are many days where I feel like I am slowly losing my husband.  The other day was one of those days.  For the first time, Josh has been trying to be more open with his depression and what is bothering him, and I am so glad he is finally letting me know where he is at, but at the same time it shows me just how little I understand and many times how much I disagree with my husband.  It is so frustrating because Josh is just coming to know himself for the first time, so there is no way to assess where we stand as a couple when he doesn’t even know where he stands on his own.  This concept in and of itself is completely foreign to me.  How do you not know who you are or what you stand for?  How can someone claim that they have never allowed anyone to know who they really are?  These days that he decides to open up on all this new self realization or hidden hope or belief are often days I feel my husband is not the man I married.  I hate to admit it, but it makes me question all the time spent, hurt endured, and affection given when there is still a possibility he might decide to leave me and his family due to some choice he feels he has to make.  It is not my place to share Josh’s thought process and to be honest I don’t understand it enough myself to even put it into words, which as I mentioned earlier, just fuels the frustration I feel. 

We are entrapped in this confusing dance as I try and support him and he tries to help out with the children and my comfort, but we lack that connection that always defined our relationship.  I brought up this issue with Josh one night as I shared the disconnect I was feeling and how many days I felt he was more a roommate than a husband.  Josh agreed that sometimes he felt the same way.  I asked him what made a woman a wife.  He listed things like taking care of the house and kids, supporting her husband, etc.  I pointed out that I met all the requirements on his list, yet still we came up lacking.  So what is it that makes a man a husband or a woman a wife?  Sadly, while writing this I feel I have answered my own question and I think the answer varies from couple to couple.  I know what is lacking from our relationship at the moment: trust; something that takes a lot of time to create and restore.  The only way I came to find this answer is to dig through all the other issue and they were all balanced on this cornerstone, which makes me wonder how many cornerstones there are in a relationship. Obviously, love is a cornerstone and I believe trust is one as well: what are some of the other cornerstone? I would love to hear your input.