OLD

After my car accident I lost a lot of weight as the medication I was on killed my appetite.  For close to two months I lived off of protein shakes as that was the only think I could stomach.  This on top of physical therapy, I shed my extra pounds quickly, but still had all the self doubts and disgusts with myself as I had with my large body as I still saw it that way.  I lost close to thirty pounds in two to three months, but still hated my body, especially as I struggled to come to terms with the purple scars that spanned my entire back and right side.  After I moved out of my parent’s house I continued on my very limited diet and would often only eat an apple and a slice of cheese to maintain the weight I was at.  Due to my physical handicaps at the time I was still unable to do much working out and practically starved myself to avoid gaining weight.  I got used to the light headedness I often felt and the ache in my belly and always justified it as just eating my portion size.  As I am only five feet I just didn’t need a whole lot of food.  Even though I was the skinniest I had been in years, I still hated my body and to societies standards I was still on the plumper side of average.   Then I got married.  I gained weight and I gained weight quickly.  A large part of that was Josh saw the little amounts I was eating and insisted I ate more; so I did.  At the time I was unaware of my PCOS, but due to the high sugar levels in my blood my weight gain was rapid and within a year I had gained forty pounds.  Now I was fat again and I hadn’t even appreciated the time I had been thin.  I wish I could have had the confidence I had always wanted and I look back on those pictures when I was thin with longing; hoping one day I can look like that again.  I had recently remembered these pictures and went to look at them today in hopes they would inspire me to be more dedicated to watching everything I ate and increasing my activity, but instead it depressed me.  I know I will never look like that again.  I was feeling pretty down when my two year old came running up insisting I read a book to him.  My daughter started cooing, indicating she had woken up from her nap and it struck me: those pictures were taken eight years and two kids ago.  It’s hard to believe sometimes that so much time has passed.  It also put my thoughts into focus.  No, I was right in my original thought, I will never look like that again, but I can still become a better healthier me and be a better version of what I am now.  Who knows, I may even like that better than the 19 year old healing girl in the pictures, even if I don’t make it to the same weight I was then.  There is always room for improvement, maybe I can learn the lesson that I should always try and love myself despite the room for improvement.