Caramel gaze
hand on my face
wanting only to give me,
a lovers embrace.
Healing still,
my wounds aren't closed
yet, he waits
as I battle inward foes.
His words velvet,
his touch, soft, yet strong
always present
He waits for the two of us to move on:
together.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Through The Grape Vine
I received some information this week from a friend. Word got back to me that some eight or nine months ago (so when I was still married and Josh was already living with Tasha) Josh was also dating someone he met at work. You are probably wondering why I am even bringing this up. Actually, hearing this, makes me feel better. You see, although I know I was the best I could be in terms of being a spouse, mother person etc, all the negative abuse flung at me made me feel inadequate. When your husband leaves you for another woman, you wonder what you did wrong, even though I knew all along it was Josh and his choices. There was nothing I did to make me responsible for his infidelity. So hearing he had a relationship with another woman, points more truth to that: Josh, even though living with the woman he supposedly loved and left his wife for, still wasn't happy enough to commit, which points to the fact that I was more than enough despite my own failings and that he was obviously searching for something and not contented with much.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Pressure
My poor daughter developed a yeast rash in her diaper
region. I recognized it quickly and
began treatment, but despite my efforts, it flared and spread rapidly and
quickly turned into a staph infection. My poor, little girl has a very swollen
and inflamed mass of infection that is obviously very painful for her. As directed by her physician, I have added
heat to pull the infection to the surface and then squeeze the sick and foul
out, which causes my daughter a lot of pain, but in the end, offers her a lot
of relief as it reduces the pressure and leaves her cleaner than before.
I was thinking about this as I applied the pressure that
caused her to cry and scream in pain, trying to comfort her as best I could
that this was for the best. This was to
make her better. Then the thought struck me: this must be exactly what our Father
in Heaven has to do for us.
Our bodies are carnal, and as such it takes in things of the
carnal. We can do what we can for the
spirit and cleanse ourselves through the sacrament and repentance, but I feel
the degeneration of society and the blatant moral degradation seep into our conscious
and sometimes it festers within us, whether we are aware of it or not. Sometimes we receive illnesses we are unaware
of how they developed or how they were contracted, but none-the-less needs to
be taken care of for fear of spreading.
I think in situations like these, our Father in Heaven applies the heat
and the pressure, causing us pain, squeezing us and cleansing us like a
refiners fire, to make us more whole.
Not that this would account for all trials, as we are tried for many different
reasons, but I also believe like me trying only to help my daughter, our Father
does the same. I had to add a little pain, but also gave her the continual reassurance
I was there, with the reassurance it would be over soon. I wasn’t trying to hurt her, only help
her.
Just as I care and love my daughter unconditionally, I know
that my Father in Heaven too shows the same unfaltering love for me despite any
situation I might be put in that seems to squeeze me to the point of pain.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Personal Realization
As I continue to move on and further break thoughts, emotions, and reactions from Josh and the last eight years, I have come to some self realizations I am a little sad to admit. However, I think it explains my part in allowing myself to be unhappy for so long and why I allowed the emotional and verbal abuse I did.
Let's go back to High School. Height: short, popularity: average, social group: religious/nerds build: average to overweight.
To be blunt, I was depressed a lot and I didn't like myself. Like every other teenage girl, I compared myself to my peers, and most especially my older, popular, skinny, cheerleader sister. In my own eyes, I was just never good enough. Outside sources also led me to weigh heavy on my self esteem, until it was something that became deeply rooted: I just wasn't enough, which led to a lot of self hate and disdain.
Skip ahead a couple of years to the point where I meet Josh.
Josh was unique and unlike other boys I had been with as he made me feel beautiful, valuable and alive in a way I had never experienced before. Josh's words and actions made me feel whole for the first time in my life. I thought that was what love was, so I latched on, scared to lose the feeling of completeness he gave me. So, in reaction to this new feeling, I built my life and identity around my relationship with Josh. Since it was the thing that made me feel whole, it is what I used to identify with. I was Josh's wife. I took to the role and did everything I could to be the best wife to Josh I could be.
Skip ahead another seven or eight years and you find us at the crux of our relationship. Josh had become a totally different person. The temper, anger, drinking, and smoking in excess were not good for him, me or the children, but yet I begged. I stayed, I continued to falsely hope.
why?
That is a question I have asked myself a lot. Why did I stay for three years of lies and torment when at a certain point I knew our destiny. Why did I keep taking myself back into staying and fighting for something that was obviously, no longer there?
For starters, although it was obvious Josh no longer loved me, in the thick of things, it doesn't really seem all that obvious and there was the genuine love I had for Josh and the relationship we had at one point. There was also the fact that I did want to honor my marriage covenants and fight on together as I had been taught to do, but the big reason, that I am finally able to admit to is this:
I was scared and terrified.
I was scared of financials and being a single mom, but those weren't the real underlying fear.
The fear was this:
I was nerver enough for myself in High School, then I finally found somed someoeone and loved someone for so long, to then find out, I was never enough for them as well, so how, how was I supposed to give up on the only identity and love I have ever had for myself? My relationship with Josh was more than just a relationship. It had become my life and my identity. How and who was I supposed to be without it? It scared me to death to think I would be reduced to a heap of rejected, broken pieces of Cherish that were never enough in the first place.
depressing right? Keep in mind at this point I was not in a happy place and had taken a lot which reduced me to the victimized, self loathing state I accepted, but there it is. I hated myself and was scared to be alone.
The infidelity as well as other choices made by Josh forced me into a possession that made me react and you know what? I lost everything but my kids. I lost a husband, I lost an income, I lost a life of promises and hopes I thought I was going to have. I lost a wedding ring, I lost my identity, and I lost a complete family. I was left with wreckage and it was swim or die.
You know what I did?
I have slowly put the pieces together. Sanded, painted, modified, worked, sweated, and cried over the wreckage and I have build myself a ship. From nothing, I have found the me within and have loved, encouraged and worked on. I still have days I hate myself or how I look or how I mother or how I react etc, etc. but overall, I know my worth. I know who and what I am and I regret not having known it sooner than the age of 28 as I lost so much time investing my energy into an identity that was based on lies. Individual worth is a real thing and I cannot stress enough to each of you, the value you have. I was scared, untrusting and weak and while I believe all things happen for a reason, I feel I endured more pain and abuse than was needed due to the abuse I was already dealing to myself.
Don't forget your worth. A crumpled, dirty, marked up $20 bill is still worth $20.
Let's go back to High School. Height: short, popularity: average, social group: religious/nerds build: average to overweight.
To be blunt, I was depressed a lot and I didn't like myself. Like every other teenage girl, I compared myself to my peers, and most especially my older, popular, skinny, cheerleader sister. In my own eyes, I was just never good enough. Outside sources also led me to weigh heavy on my self esteem, until it was something that became deeply rooted: I just wasn't enough, which led to a lot of self hate and disdain.
Skip ahead a couple of years to the point where I meet Josh.
Josh was unique and unlike other boys I had been with as he made me feel beautiful, valuable and alive in a way I had never experienced before. Josh's words and actions made me feel whole for the first time in my life. I thought that was what love was, so I latched on, scared to lose the feeling of completeness he gave me. So, in reaction to this new feeling, I built my life and identity around my relationship with Josh. Since it was the thing that made me feel whole, it is what I used to identify with. I was Josh's wife. I took to the role and did everything I could to be the best wife to Josh I could be.
Skip ahead another seven or eight years and you find us at the crux of our relationship. Josh had become a totally different person. The temper, anger, drinking, and smoking in excess were not good for him, me or the children, but yet I begged. I stayed, I continued to falsely hope.
why?
That is a question I have asked myself a lot. Why did I stay for three years of lies and torment when at a certain point I knew our destiny. Why did I keep taking myself back into staying and fighting for something that was obviously, no longer there?
For starters, although it was obvious Josh no longer loved me, in the thick of things, it doesn't really seem all that obvious and there was the genuine love I had for Josh and the relationship we had at one point. There was also the fact that I did want to honor my marriage covenants and fight on together as I had been taught to do, but the big reason, that I am finally able to admit to is this:
I was scared and terrified.
I was scared of financials and being a single mom, but those weren't the real underlying fear.
The fear was this:
I was nerver enough for myself in High School, then I finally found somed someoeone and loved someone for so long, to then find out, I was never enough for them as well, so how, how was I supposed to give up on the only identity and love I have ever had for myself? My relationship with Josh was more than just a relationship. It had become my life and my identity. How and who was I supposed to be without it? It scared me to death to think I would be reduced to a heap of rejected, broken pieces of Cherish that were never enough in the first place.
depressing right? Keep in mind at this point I was not in a happy place and had taken a lot which reduced me to the victimized, self loathing state I accepted, but there it is. I hated myself and was scared to be alone.
The infidelity as well as other choices made by Josh forced me into a possession that made me react and you know what? I lost everything but my kids. I lost a husband, I lost an income, I lost a life of promises and hopes I thought I was going to have. I lost a wedding ring, I lost my identity, and I lost a complete family. I was left with wreckage and it was swim or die.
You know what I did?
I have slowly put the pieces together. Sanded, painted, modified, worked, sweated, and cried over the wreckage and I have build myself a ship. From nothing, I have found the me within and have loved, encouraged and worked on. I still have days I hate myself or how I look or how I mother or how I react etc, etc. but overall, I know my worth. I know who and what I am and I regret not having known it sooner than the age of 28 as I lost so much time investing my energy into an identity that was based on lies. Individual worth is a real thing and I cannot stress enough to each of you, the value you have. I was scared, untrusting and weak and while I believe all things happen for a reason, I feel I endured more pain and abuse than was needed due to the abuse I was already dealing to myself.
Don't forget your worth. A crumpled, dirty, marked up $20 bill is still worth $20.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
A Father's Work Is Never Done
I am so very blessed to have been born into the family I was. I know with today being Father's Day everyone has a story about why their dad is their hero, or why their dad is the best. Well, this post will be no different as I praise the qualities in my father that have been not only and example, but a lifeline as I struggled through all the phases of my life. My heart is full as I look back on this last year and want to share with you why I am so blessed to have, and will always have need for, my father in my life.
My husband of almost eight years left me and my children to be with another woman. Of course there is the obvious financial and emotional turmoil I found myself in, that without any thought I was invited and welcomed back into my parent's home. Now at the age of 28, I once again rely on my father to provide a roof not only over my head, but my children's as well. With the chaos of the transition into our new lifestyle, I was less prepared for the emotional healing and tantrum fits demonstrated by my children. I was falling apart with rejection, anger, regret and lost love and doing my best to fill the needs of my three and one year old and was clearly falling short. My son especially, as he used to idealize his father, and with that role model suddenly gone, my son acted out to understand why things had changed so drastically as he attempted to push and fit to see who he could trust to stay around. My father took upon himself this role in my son's life. By being a soft, loving, reliable, responsible and available adult and man, he slowly taught my son, through his love, that people could still be trusted and that my son was not loved any less. My father not only was a role model and example for me as he helped raise me, he stepped up once again, to be the same model and character for my children who were so burdened with the loss of such a figure. I cannot even express the blessing it is to me to have such a wonderful male role model in their life as they love, trust and adore their Papa Greg. How blessed is my little family to be in such a nice, spiritual and safe home with a someone leading the family in love. I know not all have the blessing on having reliable fathers, including my own children, and am so thankful for the selfless action fathers make of consistently putting the children's needs first. That is what makes a true father. Not blood, or lineage, but love, time, selflessness and reliability. There just aren't enough words to say thank you to my dad for being the spiritual and financial leader to both me and my children. I love you so much and want you to know how much I appreciate all you do!
My husband of almost eight years left me and my children to be with another woman. Of course there is the obvious financial and emotional turmoil I found myself in, that without any thought I was invited and welcomed back into my parent's home. Now at the age of 28, I once again rely on my father to provide a roof not only over my head, but my children's as well. With the chaos of the transition into our new lifestyle, I was less prepared for the emotional healing and tantrum fits demonstrated by my children. I was falling apart with rejection, anger, regret and lost love and doing my best to fill the needs of my three and one year old and was clearly falling short. My son especially, as he used to idealize his father, and with that role model suddenly gone, my son acted out to understand why things had changed so drastically as he attempted to push and fit to see who he could trust to stay around. My father took upon himself this role in my son's life. By being a soft, loving, reliable, responsible and available adult and man, he slowly taught my son, through his love, that people could still be trusted and that my son was not loved any less. My father not only was a role model and example for me as he helped raise me, he stepped up once again, to be the same model and character for my children who were so burdened with the loss of such a figure. I cannot even express the blessing it is to me to have such a wonderful male role model in their life as they love, trust and adore their Papa Greg. How blessed is my little family to be in such a nice, spiritual and safe home with a someone leading the family in love. I know not all have the blessing on having reliable fathers, including my own children, and am so thankful for the selfless action fathers make of consistently putting the children's needs first. That is what makes a true father. Not blood, or lineage, but love, time, selflessness and reliability. There just aren't enough words to say thank you to my dad for being the spiritual and financial leader to both me and my children. I love you so much and want you to know how much I appreciate all you do!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Last Year Of Your LIfe
Some of you might remember that I have been participating in a program called the Last Year Of Your Life, where you live the year as if it really was your last. I have completed a lot of goals and feel I am a completely different person than who I was when I started a year ago. I still have a lot more I would like to accomplish, but there is only four weeks left until I hit the year. My homework for the last couple of weeks include writing a last will and testament and what I will be posting below. Hope you enjoy and although it was difficult it was kind of fun writing my own obituary and encourage others to do so as well :)
Another exercise involved writing what the meaning of life was to us, and although terse, here is what I wrote:
When I was in recovery after breaking my back, I prayed and lamented, continually asking the question: Why didn't I just die? The answer I heard over and over in my head was this: I was meant to be a mom.
To me, the whole purpose of my life is motherhood. I do not mean motherhood only in the rearing of my children. I mean it on the eternal scale as first demonstrated by Eve in the Garden of Eden, to the fulfillment of my calling in raising my kids; but the whole meaning of life is proving ourselves worthy of entering into our divine birthright, which for me, is to be a Heavenly Mother.
Cherish Borland was born July 21, 1985 to Shea and Greg
Wheeler and died July 7, 2014 while surrounded by friends and family. Although she left the world sooner than
anyone would have wished at the age of 28, she left behind a life of endurance,
strength and smiles which will be remembered by those who survived her,
including her two children Dorian Borland and Amellia Borland.
Cherish graduated Eaglecrest High School in 2003 and then
graduated from Colorado State University with her BA in English Literature in
2008.
Cherish enjoyed making something out of nothing and has
recently become known for her work in crochet and cake making and
decorating. She was a talented writer
and those of us left behind treasure the words of her life so fully spent.
Another exercise involved writing what the meaning of life was to us, and although terse, here is what I wrote:
When I was in recovery after breaking my back, I prayed and lamented, continually asking the question: Why didn't I just die? The answer I heard over and over in my head was this: I was meant to be a mom.
To me, the whole purpose of my life is motherhood. I do not mean motherhood only in the rearing of my children. I mean it on the eternal scale as first demonstrated by Eve in the Garden of Eden, to the fulfillment of my calling in raising my kids; but the whole meaning of life is proving ourselves worthy of entering into our divine birthright, which for me, is to be a Heavenly Mother.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
No Light Left
Actually spoke on the phone with Josh for the first time in two weeks (yup he hasn't come to see his kids and has only attempted to call them twice for less than two minutes each) as he wanted to set up a time where he could come over and see the children. We worked out something that was best for both of us and told him I would like an apology for how he had treated me. You know, all the curse words, F you, and nasty texts, etc. Of course he refused, basically saying he knows he got mad, but essentially, I deserved it and he had no apology for me, but only for my father who he had gotten involved. I just don't get it. I apologized for posting things about him, but still let him know I had a right to share my emotions. I apologized for sharing personal information and from him, nothing, as always. He argued that people were harassing Tasha's family about what I am posting and this seems a little absurd. I have never used Tasha's full name (and to be fair Tasha is a nick name and not even her legal name) so what that means is the only people who know it is her, are the people who know her. Her friends, her family. So if they are getting any sort of bounce back, then I suggest she deal with her own family and friends rather than blaming me for posting the truth about my ex husband's affair.
I am hurt and upset as always that Josh finds it not only normal, but justifiable to be not only mean, but down right disrespectful to me. I wish I could talk to him and work these emotions out with him, but when I only get anger and F you, then sadly this is my only source to deal with the emotions I have.
I am also very frustrated as when texting Tasha she claimed that she was unaware of Josh's infidelity and that she had been fed lies as well (although some of this does not match up with calls and texts I have made to her). I prefaced that it was none of my business, but asked that if it had in fact been a bunch of lies for her as well, what that meant for her relationship with Josh. She texted back saying she didn't know how she could continue on in it when it was based on lies. Guess what though? yup, just more deceit as I know they are still together. Now don't get me wrong, I have no intention of splitting them up as I could care less, but what drives me crazy is all the deceit. Why the hiding and lying? It just further proves all my instincts are correct. Despite what some of you may believe, I am ready to move on, but trust with me has to be earned and if anyone ever wants time alone with my children, that is the number one factor. In a nut shell: Josh and Tasha can have whatever life they have created for themselves. They deserve all they get, good and bad. I don't care, but when it involves my kids, then we have an issue. Josh granted me full custody and if Josh cannot treat me like a human being or if the deceit continues then I will enforce my rights to protect my children from the hateful world they don't need to know about.
I am hurt and upset as always that Josh finds it not only normal, but justifiable to be not only mean, but down right disrespectful to me. I wish I could talk to him and work these emotions out with him, but when I only get anger and F you, then sadly this is my only source to deal with the emotions I have.
I am also very frustrated as when texting Tasha she claimed that she was unaware of Josh's infidelity and that she had been fed lies as well (although some of this does not match up with calls and texts I have made to her). I prefaced that it was none of my business, but asked that if it had in fact been a bunch of lies for her as well, what that meant for her relationship with Josh. She texted back saying she didn't know how she could continue on in it when it was based on lies. Guess what though? yup, just more deceit as I know they are still together. Now don't get me wrong, I have no intention of splitting them up as I could care less, but what drives me crazy is all the deceit. Why the hiding and lying? It just further proves all my instincts are correct. Despite what some of you may believe, I am ready to move on, but trust with me has to be earned and if anyone ever wants time alone with my children, that is the number one factor. In a nut shell: Josh and Tasha can have whatever life they have created for themselves. They deserve all they get, good and bad. I don't care, but when it involves my kids, then we have an issue. Josh granted me full custody and if Josh cannot treat me like a human being or if the deceit continues then I will enforce my rights to protect my children from the hateful world they don't need to know about.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
The Back
OK, so as you all know, when I was 19 I was in a car accident that shattered my L1 vertebra, resulting in two surgeries and 4lbs worth of titanium being placed along my spine. As I was so young, my neurosurgeon went on and on about how I would live a normal life and while the recovery would take years, five years down the road, I would not even be able to know I had been so broken.
Well my friends, this December it will be ten years. What a lot of you probably are unaware of is the sever back pain I am constantly living with, and have been living with. I have seen several doctors over the years about this, but never pursued anything seriously as I was so overweight and my breast were so abnormally large that most the blame was placed on the circumstances. Well, the boobs are gone and most of the weight is off and sadly the back pain has not improved as I had hoped. I have recently returned to a doctor who had seen me regulalidatiarly after the accident. I have been unable to see her for many years as I was always out of state and then issues with finances and the divorce, but the pain made my back a priority. It has been such a validation to go in and have her touch an area and say, "it hurts here right?" and "wow, this hasn't improved has it?" and even, "well, you certainly have a large pain threshold!" This is such validation as for years my parents and I believed that all would be better; all should be better, so why am I still hurting? Am I being a baby about what I am feeling, or is there something wrong? Well, I finally got my answer and one that had come up before, but never verified with the weight and chest as an issue. Basically, there is nerve damage done, which gives me severe pain in my back, abdomen and leg. This is called Maralgia Paresrgetica (PX in front of thigh). This doctor will help me with the IT band which has become a giant knot in result in hopes of better managing the pain as well as getting me the help I need as it is causing the arch in my left foot to degenerate, so with proper (custom made) orthotics, I can hopefully help relieve some of the added pressure. On top of this she confirmed that I have a sever case of Sub. Trochanteric Bursitis, also caused from the damaged nerve. Basically I have inflamed fluid sacks in between my tendons and bone and this tends to be more common in those much further advanced in years.
What does all of this mean? It means my pain has been very real and I now have a place to start in making this better and no longer living with it and making it work. Prayers are always appreciated, but I am hopeful to finally get the Cherish 2.0 I have been working so hard on.
Well my friends, this December it will be ten years. What a lot of you probably are unaware of is the sever back pain I am constantly living with, and have been living with. I have seen several doctors over the years about this, but never pursued anything seriously as I was so overweight and my breast were so abnormally large that most the blame was placed on the circumstances. Well, the boobs are gone and most of the weight is off and sadly the back pain has not improved as I had hoped. I have recently returned to a doctor who had seen me regulalidatiarly after the accident. I have been unable to see her for many years as I was always out of state and then issues with finances and the divorce, but the pain made my back a priority. It has been such a validation to go in and have her touch an area and say, "it hurts here right?" and "wow, this hasn't improved has it?" and even, "well, you certainly have a large pain threshold!" This is such validation as for years my parents and I believed that all would be better; all should be better, so why am I still hurting? Am I being a baby about what I am feeling, or is there something wrong? Well, I finally got my answer and one that had come up before, but never verified with the weight and chest as an issue. Basically, there is nerve damage done, which gives me severe pain in my back, abdomen and leg. This is called Maralgia Paresrgetica (PX in front of thigh). This doctor will help me with the IT band which has become a giant knot in result in hopes of better managing the pain as well as getting me the help I need as it is causing the arch in my left foot to degenerate, so with proper (custom made) orthotics, I can hopefully help relieve some of the added pressure. On top of this she confirmed that I have a sever case of Sub. Trochanteric Bursitis, also caused from the damaged nerve. Basically I have inflamed fluid sacks in between my tendons and bone and this tends to be more common in those much further advanced in years.
What does all of this mean? It means my pain has been very real and I now have a place to start in making this better and no longer living with it and making it work. Prayers are always appreciated, but I am hopeful to finally get the Cherish 2.0 I have been working so hard on.
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