Follow up

On Friday I finally got some closure I was desperately needing.  Josh was on his way out the door after spending some time with the kids, when out of no where he stopped and called my name.  He led by saying he was aware I still held deep feelings for him within our past and apologized as he said he thought it was because he took my virginity, following that it had a greater attachment and affect on people than most let on.  I corrected him with tears in my eyes clarifying that while that may in fact be a part of the love I hold for the Joshua I married, he needed to remember that it was much more than just that.  He was my first for just about everything.  Yes, he was my first lover, but he was also my first love. First, House, first child, first everything.
He apologized.  He expressed his remorse at how he had treated me and especially the way in which he ended our marriage.  he then admitted to the anguish he faces with the guilt of the choices he made.  He said that for so long rather than feel the guilt, he felt the anger, until it was eating him  up and killing him and he just couldn't do it any longer.  He expressed concern for me and for the children and I wept openly as I could not control the emotions that gushed forth as his apology and admittance was something I had moved on with, believing it was something I would never receive. He took me in his arms, trying to comfort my sobs and what surprised me was the lack of any emotion as he held me.  It was empty and it was a testament to me that the feelings of nostalgia I had were in fact that, and no hope for the present or future.
His words struck a chord deep within me as he stared discussing the two men  I have been dating.  I wasn't taking much of what he said to heart until he pointed out this fact, "Cherish, as someone who was with you for so long and who really knows you, from my outside perspective, I feel you have what you need in front of you.  Don't pray for feelings or guidance.  Pray for peace and let that help you see who and what you need.  I fear if you ignore what is in front of you too long, you may pass up an opportunity that has been given to you."  It has been a little hard to ignore what he said as the whole while our eyes met and locked and connected as he held me once again.
He apologized for lying to me, making me believe he was a man of the caliber I expected and apologized for all the lies over the years as he admitted it was never fair to me. He continued to make a statement that touched my heart very deeply as he said he did not regret the time he spent with me, or the two kids.  He said he wouldn't trade anything in the world for that experience and that he learned a lot of life lessons.  He apologized for being a temptation to me over the years and all he misuse I had been dealt.  For some time, Josh and I were both crying openly despite our efforts to check the emotions and for the first time, I felt a sincerity I had always hoped for.
I told him I forgave him.  I only wanted to see him happy and that all along I had only wished it could have been me that could have given that to him.  I let him know I was moving on, I was just so confused and so scared.  He said he didn't know why, but felt he had to share all of that with me and that everything I am looking for is within me. 
It was really nice having my best friend back, if only for a night.
I was very shaken up by this encountered and couldn't keep his words from running through my hear.  It seemed almost surreal as for days I have been seeking an answer as to my future both for myself as well as along side someone else.  Was this God's way of answering my pleas?  If so, why through Josh? Was it because he is the only one even now I can accept guidance from?  Or was this because he read my last blog post about my confusion that he felt he needed to intervene?  My head swam and my eyes continued to leak to the point I knew I had to share this with someone.  Calling on my best friend she listened as I poured this all out to her and she too said something that I had not considered.  This is the time of the year every year I have had to restart my life: Oct 2010 my son was born and I had to completely change life around as I became a mom (a single mom at that as Josh was deployed) Nov 2011 I lost everything I owned in an apartment fire to then, five days later, lose the baby I was pregnant with. Oct 2012 my daughter was born. once again, I had a huge adjustment as I went from one child to two as we dealt with deciding if we should stay in the Army. Sep 2013 I found out about Josh's affair and he walked out of the house leaving me to be a single mom to my two kids.  The point of this is that each and every year, I would have to pick up the pieces and build myself a new life in order to keep going and this is the first year I haven't had to do that.  She said, "you have a foundation and all the pieces you need.  You even have in mind what you want to build, you just are missing the blueprint to take the next step." she implied I was a fish out of water as it was no longer about starting over, but about moving on. 
Moving on is really hard.  I am scared I will put a piece in the wrong spot and once again everything will tumble over.  However, I am trying.  Each and every day I am still trying.  Maybe I will try what Josh suggested and pray for peace and when I feel that, then I will have confidence in my choice.  All I know is this: I cannot do this alone.  Every action I make I try to make with my Lord in mind, living with the faith in my heart, knowing he will give me what is needed.  I also know I am never alone and am so touched at all the emails and messages I received from my precious friends after my last very depressing post.  I love you all very much and couldn't do this journey called life without you!