Nuggets: For A Friend

I had a great conversation this last week with a dear friend and most of our two hour conversation was on church doctrine and the scriptures.  I love uplifting conversations and friends, but she asked that I gave my own scriptural glossary/break down. I have also included a couple other small thoughts that struck me this week while I was studying the scriptures.

Old Testament: I have found that the old testament is important in teaching the laws of the gospel, meaning the truths that God has taught yesterday, today and forever.  It is in the Old Testament that we learn a love for the prophets and the divine power they hold.  We learn of temples and priesthood power and the importance and power in covenant making.  Although there are not many accounts, there are also several accounts of women and their importance in history and in the gospel giving the reader, male and female alike attributes and mentors to look up to. It also importantly outlines the tribes of Israel and their calling, giving us the information we need, along with one's patriarchal blessing, to find the gifts and calling associated with our tribe.

Isaiah: I give Isaiah his own segment as his book truly stands out for many important reason.  Even the Lord himself quoted Isaiah in order to teach that Isaiah's prophecy of a Savior had indeed been fulfilled.  Isaiah is deep as it contains so much information, making it a doctrinal gold mine.  but to be very limiting in a description, Isaiah could best be classified as holding the plain and simple truths of Christ's doctrine as well as a very vivid and detail description of what to expect in the last days.  It outlines our role as saints in this dispensation, ushering in the millennium .

New Testament: is obvious in its design to teach of Christ's life, ministry and love.  My God is a loving God and that is easily found and seen in the New Testament.  Also, it teaches of disciples and what it takes to take upon us the name of Christ.

Revelations: I also give revelations its own spot in my breakdown as I think the information contained is very pertinent to us this day in age.  We are certainly within the time of the hastening and truly believe Christ's return will come very shortly.  Revelations gives us signs and ways in which to prepare ourselves, that like the ten virgins, we are the ones with oil in our lamps: ready to meet our bridegroom.

Book of Mormon:  Also teaches of a loving God.  The Book of Mormon, like the New Testament, teaches of Christ and of his doctrine and love.  Despite all the war and carnage historically depicted, the lessons taught are of love, forgiveness and redemption making it a very uplifting and feel good read.

Doctrine and Covenants: This is a historical and accurate account of the set up of the church and their functions and how it is to be run and function.  The Doctrine and Covenants goes into deeper aspects of the gospel.  It also deals and talks a great deal about the second coming and millennium as well, correlating an awful lot with Isaiah and the Isaiah chapters found in 2 Nephi.

Pearl of Great Price: The name depicts the truths found in this book.  On the surface it seems very simplistic and correlates closely to Genesis, but when asked how to best prepare for the temple, I always direct people to the Pearl of Great Price.

As I mentioned earlier I feel that all scripture is important to read, but if you are seeking your purpose and calling in life.  I suggest studying the last days and what your role as a disciple of Christ is by reading Isaiah, Revelations and the Doctrine and Covenants!

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While I was reading Isaiah 61:3 the phrase "Trees or righteousness" stuck out to me, causing me to stop and ponder the imagery created within my mind.  I imagine a tall full tree, with boughs and limbs full of leaves, stretching ever upward toward the sky. And the though of the roots spreading out, digging deep and holding fast.
I remember the parable of the seeds thrown by the wayside that the Savior taught, and then explained later to apostles about how the plant that was thrown ion the rocks never to grow was the unbeliever. The seed that feel into the soil, but had no light, would grow, but not hold fast, like a person who joined the church, but did not dig their roots or their testimony in Christ and how the seed that feel into the soil and light was like a faithful disciple who would flourish and grow.
A tree of righteousness: holding fat to our nutrition, stabilizing ourselves as we stretch upward toward our Lord.
Also it is another reference or imagery of us being a part of the Lord's vineyard.

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Isaiah 64:1-3

1 Oh that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence,

 2 As when the melting fire burneth, the fire causeth the waters to boil, to make thy name known to thine adversaries, that the nations may tremble at thy presence!

 3 When thou didst terrible things which we looked not for, thou camest down, the mountains flowed down at thy presence.

The imagery of fire and burning that describes the Second Coming could actually be caused by the glory of Christ's person.
Elder Charles W. Penrose wrote, "He comes! With all the hosts of the righteous glorified.  The breath of his lips strikes death to the wicked.  His glory is a consuming fire.  The proud and the rebellious are as the stubble, they are burned and left neither root nor branch."
I had to stop and think about this and while I am not saying this is doctrine or this will be the case, it also makes sense as we are taught that sin and righteousness cannot abide in the same place and that sin cannot be allowed in the presence of our God. So since, Jesus having completed his mission on Earth, ascended to Heaven and Glory, it makes sense that his glory alone could be the fire that destroys the wicked.

Chapter 29: Colorado

Day after day, I started to build this false reality around me just so I could survive.  There really was hope.  Josh really did love me and getting out of the Army and moving back to Colorado would be just the think we needed.  Although Tasha lived in Colorado, I completely ignored that fact, hoping that once we were with my family again and had the additional support and new job my dad had lined up for Josh, then we could focus on our marriage and right everything.  I had a dear friend who asked me over and over again if it was time to leave, time to be done, but then she would always ask: what do you feel is right?  What is your inspiration, your guidance? And the answer for me was stay.  Try.  So I did.

Christmas came and went.  It was sweet as Dorian was old enough to open his presents by himself and like every two year old, was overjoyed at each and every toy.  The day was mostly a day for Dorian and he lived it to the fullest, passing out exhausted that night.  I can’t say I had a lot of holiday spirit so the coming and going of the holiday season meant very little to me.  With the New Year came more confidence of raising both children.   It even got to the point where I could go grocery shopping with both of the children! I was successfully accomplishing little mile stones that kept me going.  As I felt I was moving up, Josh seemed to be spiraling downward.

The closer Josh’s discharge date came, the more disturbed he seemed to get.  He started taking large amounts of money out of our account, refusing to give me explanations on what he was blowing our meager income on.  He started coming home later.  His temper was even shorter where not only was he yelling at me, he was now yelling at his son.  He would even get frustrated with the baby and even holding her seemed to be too much for him as even that simple act overwhelmed him.  I began feeling like a single mom as I was the one solely caring for the children.  I was scared to leave him at home with the children as I didn’t know what sort of monster I would return home to after just a short hour or two because once he was overwhelmed he was mean and he was angry.  There was absolutely no communication between the two of us and I could feel this anger he held all the time.  He yelled, he screamed. He cursed at every little thing and once again I couldn’t recognize the man I was married to.  This man used to make me feel like I was the most special and important girl in the world, but, now he made me feel like a fat, disgusting, judgmental piece of crap.  And sadly, I began to believe him.  I felt like everything I did wasn’t good enough.  I knew I was overweight, especially with all the baby weight; maybe that’s why he dreamed of her instead of me; maybe that’s why he exhausted his resources on porn rather than attempting to touch me.  I had been struggling with adjusting to two kids, maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mom; maybe I was a failure.  I was destitute and unable to understand his lack of faith so maybe I was a horrible person; maybe it was my fault he didn’t feel accepted.

Josh also made other comments that disturbed me greatly, to the point I even contacted his commanding officer with my concerns.  True and very believable concerns based on statements Josh had made to me several times and on several different occasions.  While I was addressing my concerns with his commander I felt there was concern shown.  Yet, even just later that night I quickly saw how it was brushed off.  The officer contacted Josh, asked him a question and contented with Josh’s answer, it was quickly dropped and forgotten.  Once again I was enraged with the institution of the Army, realizing the care and concern for the soldier and the family they profess was once again nothing but an empty promise.  I was lost.  I seemed to be failing as a wife, as a mom and as a person.

Life was hard, and it just seemed to get harder every day.  Every single day I would wait and hope for his return home, which seemed to get later and later.  And instead of him giving me relief with the kids when he was home, an opportunity to fill my cup, or even an understanding of what I was trying to accomplish during my day I felt beaten and destroyed by his instant criticism which started killing the hope.  I began to dread Josh’s return from work, until one day it came to crux.  Dorian, just barely two had done something any two year would have done, but it had been enough to set Josh off.  Yelling and anger that was reserved usually for me, was spewed out to my precious little boy and something inside of me snapped.  I jumped in, sending Dorian to his room and yelling back at Josh that what he was doing was unacceptable.  I was aware he was coming home completely wasted, putting his life in danger while he drove in such a state and them putting a fear inside of me and now the children with his anger and I couldn’t live with it any longer.  I couldn’t live with his temper and his sharply worded assaults any longer and I just couldn’t live with him any longer.  I let him know it was time for him to leave.  It was obvious he didn’t want to be here, a part of our family and no one wanted him here being in the state he always seemed to be at when he came home.

Josh packed a bag and left.

We were separated.  Josh went and bunked with a fellow soldier just a month and a half before our move to Colorado.  My marriage was over.  My husband didn’t want me.  The porn, the drinking, the smoking were all more important than I was.  Yet again, a new sense of reality hit me.  After six years of marriage, and eight years of loving him, he willingly walked away.  Amellia was only six months old; still breast feeding, still needing so  much, while Dorian was my hyperactive two year old who idealized his dad and just didn’t understand why dad wasn’t coming home.  I tried to arrange times with Josh for him to come over and see the kids, but many times he was hours late or simply just didn’t show.

 I cried all the time.  I cried for all the lies and deceit I realized my marriage had been comprised of.  Josh admitted he loved me in the beginning, but that he had always been striving to be what he thought I wanted, and now, six years later, the truth of it was that he never felt like this person he had been for me, was who he really was.  He resented me for his double identity, blaming me for his unhappiness.  He admitted to smoking, drinking, and other lifestyle choices throughout all the years of our marriage, that I had been blind and unaware of.  He brought up instances that took place in our first year of marriage that had hurt him, saving them and bottling them up, never telling me until six years later, after he had already emotionally checked out.  He made me very aware, after the fact, of all the mistakes I had ever made over the years within our marriage.   He said that he stayed with me since he returned home from deployment out of expectation and obligation, but not because of love.  He said he tried to be a dutiful husband despite not loving me, but in the end, it was just too much.  Me, the children, the life, were just all too much for him to handle.  I cried.  I never stopped crying.  I cried for my children.  It just didn’t seem fair to fight so hard for these miracles, to then have to have them grow up in a broken home.  I cried as Dorian would wail at night because I wasn’t dad tucking him in and I cried to see the truth of a future that Amellia would never remember or know what it would be like to have her mom and her dad live with one another and it ripped new holes in my heart and added to the devastation I was sinking in.  It wasn’t fair.  None of this was fair and so I cried as my head tried to understand what my heart just couldn’t seem to understand as despite how awful the last two years had been and despite how awful he had been treating me and despite how awful this pain felt, my heart still longed for him; still loved him and still missed him. Because while my husband had fallen out of love with me over a span of several years, I never had and I just didn’t know how I was supposed to survive this.

I cried to my friends; I cried to my sisters; I cried to my mom, finally admitting to myself and to my loved ones the true reality of what was going on.  I couldn’t even think about the future as I was barely surviving day to day as the thought of supporting myself and my children, being a single mom, terrified and overwhelmed me.  I doubted my ability to do what seemed to lie ahead and still prayed everyday for a miracle that Josh would wake up and miss me.  Wake up and love me again.  Wake up and come home.  Wake up and be the man I willingly gave my heart to all those years ago. Yet, a day passed; a week passed and before I knew it, we were only a couple weeks away from our move.  Josh and I talked every once in a while to arrange our move to Colorado.  He made it clear he would move to Colorado with us as he always wanted to be near his children, promising to still be an active and involved father as he had always been.  For conveniences sake and to save money, Josh moved back in, sleeping again on the couch for the last two weeks of our stay in Tennessee.  When Josh and I did talk it was about who would get what.  Josh and I closed and separated our finances, took names off of credit cards and cancelled accounts, further separating our lives.  I sill prayed for a miracle, but was finally forced to face reality. 

Movers came and began packing up our life.  We labeled boxes not only with their contents, but also with “His” and “Hers” so that when we got to Colorado and had everything dropped off into storage, it would be an easy process to divvy it up and be done with the items that used to make up our home.  It is always sad to see your things packed up, even when you have a new and exciting adventure in front of you as it is a representation of a closure, but this time the impact was even more profound.  Most everything we were packing was new, a replacement of all the items we had lost in the fire.  Things we had agreed on and bought together as a new beginning and now, just a little over a year later it was being packed up as a very physical and emotional ending. 

Although I hated the idea of having to rely on my parent’s, I was looking forward to moving home and into their house once again as I felt I surely could not do this single mom thing on my own.  I was thankful and relieved to know that no matter what, my parents would be there for me and my children and since Josh didn’t want that job of provider anymore, it was nice to know I still had people who did.  For so long I felt I had been the one holding everything together.  I am the one reaching to meet every persons need, working past the point of exhaustion and depletion just to keep it all together, that I relished the idea of moving in with my parent and being taken care of, even if just a little bit because I was at my breaking point physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I knew with every fiber of my being that this move home was exactly where I was being led and it was exactly what I needed.  I kept asking Josh what living situation he had in place once we reached Colorado but every time I asked, he would always answer that he didn’t have one yet.  Although I tried not to care, it concerned me.  However, this situation was due to his choices, so let the consequences follow.

Moving day arrived.  My car was loaded with two weeks worth of clothing and necessities for me and the children.  I had Amellia behind the passenger seat where I had my bird safely buckled up and Dorian strapped in his car seat behind my seat.  My purse and a generously large bag of snacks were on the passenger side floor and I was ready to go.  I was leaving a home, but I was going home. As a new fearful and smaller family, I mumbled a quick prayer of safety while we travel, asking the Lord to please help me make this 1200 mile road trip survivable with a nursing infant and a rambunctious little boy.  Josh followed in his car, with the cat we had originally bought for Dorian to grow up with, but that plan wasn’t going to come to fruition anymore either.  My parents had a no pet rule and to be honest, I didn’t want the cat as I already had my hands full with my two little babies, so that’s how our family was split.  Me and the kids, and Josh and the cat.

Our drive took almost three days as I had to stop often to breast feed, potty breaks for Dorian as well as a need to stop to get the bugs out of Dorian’s little body.  Needless to say it was a long and exhausting drive with lots of crying, Lots of questions and lots of time to reflect, as if I had not been doing enough self wallowing, thinking and reflecting.  However, there is something about the open road that does shine clarity on a muddled mind and for me it was a simple, sweet reminder of a truth I already knew: I had two beautiful babies who needed a lot and they were entrusted to me for a reason.  I was blessed and no matter what the future held, The three of us would always be together and I would always do my all to give them all they need and deserve, so if ever there was something for me to focus on, it needed to be them.

During our trip home my mom called with a proposition.  She said that she understood why Josh and I had separated, but with the move to Colorado and this transition, the kids would need some sort of stability and she, knowing Dorian’s super hero complex for his father, suggested I offer a place to Josh in their basement.  She said me and the children would be upstairs, putting two floors between Josh and I, but that it would give the children the opportunity to see their dad everyday which she felt they needed.  I was opposed to the idea at first as I have always been one to quickly tear the band-aid off once I knew for certain it needed to come off, but she made a compelling argument and I knew my thought process and point of view were short sided and clouded with all the emotions.  I trusted her judgment and as always, wanted what was best for my children.  I passed the offer onto Josh which he quickly turned down, but after showing him my points of concern for the kids, the money he would be able to save and the logic in it, he agreed.  Mom said that she still had hope.  She really felt that if when we got to Colorado we could find Josh a good counselor to help see if Josh was bi-polar and to verify he had PTSD, we could get him the help he needed which she believed could still turn it all around.  She admitted it would be a lot of work, on him and on us, but encouraged me to hope.  Being as fearful as I was of being a single mom and being unwanted, I chose to hope with her as I wasn’t ready to just stop loving him because simply, I just didn’t know how.  I had always fought for Josh, I didn’t want to ever have any regrets, so I wasn’t going to stop just yet.

Living Water

So we are aware of the symbol of Christ being the living water.  All through the scriptures Christ is referred to as the living water and in and through him you can drink and never thirst.  While reading Isaiah 43:2 the parable his me in a new light.  Here is the scripture:

“When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee”

Now bare with me as I dissect this, to show you how I got my “ah ha” moment. So, “when thou passest through the waters” what came to my mind was baptism.  When baptized by immersion we are literally submerged in water to cleanse ourselves in a physical way to also represent the cleansing of our soul through the atonement of Christ as we covenant to take his name upon ourselves. Going back to the scripture we then get the promise, “I will be with thee.” Now, going back to Christ being the living water, it makes sense that it is only through baptism, when we are immersing ourselves in water and taking his name upon us.  If the word and doctrine of God, going back to the scripture we can interpret that when we are being told, “and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee” it can possibly be stating that the word of God is endless and that he will continually pour (yes, anther water imagery) out his blessing upon us, and while sometimes we can be overwhelmed in all we know, (as with great knowledge come great responsibility), it will not “overflow” us. Now this next part is the part that touched my heart as there is never any coincidences in the doctrine of the Lord.  “when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee” Now as we know, a lot of Isaiah is a caution and waning for not only the people of his time, but also the people of the latter days (yes, that means us). He warns contently of the second Coming when Christ comes once again to cleans and regain the righteous and just upon and within the earth. As many of you know the earth will be cleansed by fire, eliminating and purging the word of wickedness trough flame.  So think how beautifully this coincides with Christ, our living water.  If we immerse ourselves in his water, and continually flow through him, preparing ourselves for his second coming, if we are essentially wet with Christ, how then could the fire touch us? Isn’t that a beautiful visual?! So let the burning commence as I will not fear as I have the promise “thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee”

Where am I at?

How are you doing? I hate that question. 
because when people ask, they don't really want to know.
sure they will maybe listen, but someone who doesn't know me or my situation very well, doesn't care to hear that I feel like I am falling apart.
Howa are you doing?
surviving.
always surviving.
I feel stuck. Stuck as a single mom. Stuck living in my parent's house, although a blessing, is still not a space of my own.  Stuck in my relationships that have potential, but aren't moving anywhere. Stuck in my circumstance of depending on my ex husband for his child support in order to live. stuck.
I am doing everything I am supposed to.  I read and study my scriptures every day.  I learn new thing sand feel the spirit, but as soon as I have to stop and return to my life, back some the cold heart, heavy burdened, responsibilities that weight on me, making me feel helpless despite my hope for a better life and a crown of glory when my Lord and Savior returns.  I pray, I attend church, I magnify my calling. I do it all, yet still I feel mediocre and stuck. sad. lonely.
There are a plethora of scripture with the command: "endure to the end"
I am trying.
I am enduring, but should I not also be happy?
where do I find the happy?
I am not mad, angry, hopeless, or destitute, just in the middle somewhere, hopeful, yet depleted.
push harder?
reorganize priorities?
set goals?
done it all.
stuck.

The Worth of the World

                “The Lord Himself, the Master Teacher, in His own teaching to His disciples taught constantly in parables, a verbal way to represent symbolically things that otherwise be difficult to understand” (Packer, 1996).  As we know, the savior during his ministry in life and through the prophets teaches most commonly and most affectively with parables and symbols.  This is why when one diligently reads and searches the scriptures they find a specific theme or meaning that is taught to them through their study, yet when they reread the same scriptures at a later time, the theme or message or knowledge seems to change.  This is the beauty of symbolism as it has a depth of meaning simple words cannot contain.  “Teaching of the gospel oftentimes is so difficult [because] ideals in the gospel are such intangible things as faith, repentance, love, humility, reverence, obedience, modesty, and so forth.  The dimensions of size and shape and color and texture do not serve us here” (Packer, 1996).  Meaning most if not all gospel truths contain an importance and understand well beyond what is stated at face value as truly there are not words of power in accordance with the message being portrayed; yet, this lack of knowledge on our part is not kept from us due to our shortcomings or weaknesses.  Instead, the Lord has equipped us with the light of Christ and to those baptized within the church, the gift of the Holy Ghost to testify the feelings of light and truth when understanding comes into our minds despite the lack of words to express said enlightenment.   This is exactly why the Savior generously teaches in parables and symbols and it is no different in today’s time than it was in the days of Moses.  Think back to Moses when animal sacrifice was introduced.  Do you really feel the Lord needed the blood of animals upon his alters? We have been taught and can see through the act that this too was a symbol.  The people were to recognize the hand of God in their increase.  They were to recognize the power of God in their sin and failures and to turn to him in this symbol.  As these people offered up their animal sacrifices, they were preparing themselves and the world with the truth and knowledge that the Savior would come and offer his blood in order to atone and save them. 

The great things about symbols are that there is no end to their meaning.  We cannot even comprehend the knowledge and the information within this world, let alone the truths beyond our knowledge.  Yet, as members, we are promised this gift of knowledge and power as we seek for understanding through these symbols.  “As we grow and mature and learn from all of the experiences in life, the truths demonstrated in the temple [and in the gospel] in symbolic fashion take on a renewed meaning.  The veil is drawn back a little bit more. Our knowledge and vision of the eternities expands. It is always refreshing” (Packer, 1996).  What a promise to know that the more we search these parables and symbols, the more we are promised to understand, resulting in a closer relationship with Christ as we search to align ourselves with his light and his truth.

Now, having hit on why the Lord teaches in symbols, I hope it opened up the possibilities of what is out there to learn and what we have to offer to each other.  Having gotten my BA in English Literature, I often find symbols with a critical eye and am excited to share what I have learned recently.  That means, this is not church doctrine.  This is my research within my scriptures and other books that led me to this idea which makes me praise my Lord and the love he has for me. 

While reading section 88 of the Doctrine and Covenants, several verses came to my attention:

17 And the redemption of the soul is through him that quickeneth all things, in whose bosom it is decreed that the poor and the meek of the earth shall inherit it.

18 Therefore, it must needs be sanctified from all unrighteousness, that it may be prepared for the celestial glory;

19 For after it hath filled the measure of its creation, it shall be crowned with glory, even with the presence of God the Father;

20 That bodies who are of the celestial kingdom may possess it forever and ever; for, for this intent was it made and created, and for this intent are they sanctified.

So in verse 17 we learn of the human souls that are being resurrected and how the meek and the righteous shall inherit the Earth (also seen in Matthew 5:5). Then in 18-20 we learn that the Earth will be “crowned with glory” and be “sanctified” that it might become the Celestial Kingdom (Heaven).  Although the spirit spoke of the truth in this, it was not new information to me. I continued reading:

25 And again, verily I say unto you, the earth abideth the law of a celestial kingdom, for it filleth the measure of its creation, and transgresseth not the law—

26 Wherefore, it shall be sanctified; yea, notwithstanding it shall die, it shall be quickened again, and shall abide the power by which it is quickened, and the righteous shall inherit it.

 27 For notwithstanding they die, they also shall rise again, a spiritual body.

 28 They who are of a celestial spirit shall receive the same body which was a natural body; even ye shall receive your bodies, and your glory shall be that glory by which your bodies are quickened.

29 Ye who are quickened by a portion of the celestial glory shall then receive of the same, even a fulness.

Verse 25 states that because the earth abided the law of God and fulfilled its creation, it will be crowned with Glory.  It talks of the death of the Earth at the second coming of Christ and its renewal to be magnified as a Celestial glory.  I was a little amazed at how many scriptures were included about the Earth and questioned why when I began to see that the earth, although being spoken about literally, as it will literally become the Celestial Kingdom, is also a symbol for ourselves.

                Just as God created our spirits, so did he create the Earth.  Just as we are made of a spirit and a body, so is the earth: Spirit/body, Earth/world.  Just as we are baptized and cleansed, so was the Earth during the flood: baptism by immersion vs. the earth being completely submerged! Just as we are to fulfill our mission on Earth to nurture, grow and support one another, so has our Mother Earth.  Just as we will die and be resurrected, changed and perfected in a spiritual glory, so will the Earth as seen in the verses above and as seen in 2 Peter:

11 Seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation and godliness,

12 Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be dissolved, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat?

13 Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new heavens and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness.

Just as we are to reside in Holy Places, so has the earth. In the bible it is clear that mountains are synonymous with temples and there are several instances in the bible where Moses and Joshua commune with the Lord.  “When the Lord told Moses and Joshua to remove their shoes as they were on Holy ground, perhaps it was not so much the ground itself as it was the nature of the interview that sanctified it” (Packer, 1996). So like the earth, our bodies are temples and we sanctify them through our communion with Jesus Christ.

This symbol of our glory in connection with the Earth was a welcome answer to my supplications to the Lord.  Having recently gone through a divorce in which my husband left me, you can see how I would question my self worth, my value and my importance.  I am very aware that this is a tool of the devil, belittling my birthright as a Daughter of God and a Heavenly Queen, but that doesn’t make it any easier to resist the damaging and belittling thoughts that cancerously, eat away at me.   However, look at this symbol.  How often in common vernacular do you hear people say, I would give you the world if I could, or you are worth more than the world.  Yet, while applying these scriptures we see that our Lord and Heavenly Father has done just that! He has given us this living oracle.  And, at the same time, has given us the same promise.  Our Father in Heaven finds the Earth, in her glory, important enough to challenge, purge, beautify and glorify.  And our Father in Heaven feels the exact same love and potential in me and in you.  To think that I am as important as a world, as a kingdom and that I hold the right to the same blessings and privileges. I am thankful for this answer.  I am thankful that the Lord teaches in truth and in symbols that I can find sacred meaning and importance each and every day I seek to be more like him.

 

Works Cited

Packer, B. K. (1996). You May Claim the Blessings Of the Holy Temple. Salt Lake City: Publishers Press.

Falling Apart

I can officially say that the injections have not worked.  My pain is no better than usual and in fact it seems to have almost made it worse at times having the extra pressure in my back.  Needless to say I am disheartened and dejected.  It feels impossible.  The once neurosurgeon I have that takes Medicaid, doesn't want to do surgery and has already written me off, but doesn't this prove that my pain isn't coming from my joints or the wear and tare of my hardware.  Doesn't this prove there is something else wrong?  Sadly, my back has been getting worse since I got here to Colorado and I don't know of it is because of how active I am now, at the gym and working out, that I am possibly adding to the pain, or it something has happened within my back making it worse, or it is possible the severe pressure changes as the weather changes so rapidly; an occurrence I didn't encounter in TN.  So what do I do? Push for a surgery someone doesn't want to preform and hope they do an adequate job or hope that maybe someday I can be married and provided for again so that I can have insurance to finally fix the pain.  I feel so alone and so lost in all of this.  I feel so stuck and discouraged and frankly feeling sorry for myself.
I was promised an eternity of love and support, but Josh is currently in the hospital with his fiancé waiting for the birth of their baby while I am here trying as best I can to raise my 4 and 2 year old while still dealing with all of this.  I am blessed and grateful that at least I have Medicaid, otherwise I can't even imagine the debt and life I would be struggling with, but where is the life I was promised?
It is all so hard and my faith must not be strong enough, because I doubt the strength I am given, questioning if it is enough.
I am trying my very best every day.  Every day I try to be the best mom I can be,.  The best person I can be. The best daughter and house guest I can be and have even been trying to serve more in hopes of finding happiness, but I still fall short. Always I fall short.
yet, as I write this sobbing, my 4 year old came in, saying he heard me crying and wanted to come give me love.  so now my little man is in my lap and in my arms giving me hugs and kisses; telling me he loves me and he wants me.  How selfish am I? I am so grateful for this, my angels. and God does know what I need.  I hate falling apart in front of him, but he doesn't care; he just wants to share his love and his happiness and it is working.

Psalms

While reading psalms I have noticed the major themes seem to be these:

1. Gratitude for the Lord's mercy        
2. Admonition to trust in the Lord       
3. Supplication and pleading for the Lord's divine strength and mercy.

These themes rotate in a circular fashion. Gratitude for blessings ----> leads to trust in the Lord -----> which leads to confidence for seeking his divine power ----> to them once again being grateful for the Lord's mercy!

In today's society, we rely in the building up of the individual rather than working together as a family, community, town, or country as we did in days past. 
Power beyond an individual such as God, education, experience, etc is now all attributed to self and to the individual, demeaning the forces working upon the individual.
Yet, despite this focus on self, we see increasingly, new staggering numbers of those struggling with depression and low self-esteem.  If we are all so focused on building up ourselves, why them are so many so unhappy?
With this neglect in acknowledging God and all he does to supplicate our lives, we quickly listen to the enticing's of the evil one, believing nothing will ever bee good enough as we lose hope for what we really are: Gods and Goddesses!
With the evil one more present in our ear we forget the warnings and promises found in the scriptures. Namely, that when we deny the law of chastity (a villainous rampage these days) then we are sinning against our divine potential and therefore sinning against ourselves.  This lack of self esteem comes from the loss of the Holy Ghost and the dimming of the Light of Christ that we have within us when we choose misguided actions that take us farther from the one person who can help us feel and recognize true love for ourselves and others!  If only we learned to thank our Father for the gifts that support and enlighten us! To stand together as saints and believers in Christ as one, in the support of a throng of brothers and sisters!
Oh that we remembered the priorities of the psalmists.  How if we only but remembered to thank our God and to turn to him in our need, how there would be a complete revolution resulting in lasting happiness!
"I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well" - Psalm 139:14

update

I know it has been a long while since I have updated my blog, but life hasn't given me the time. 
Forgive me if this turns more into an outline rather than the emotional state of being I am at, but it has been a long day, but felt the need to share my circumstances. 

For beginners Josh and his fiancé are expecting their first child together either late this month or early next month. 

My sister's husband is currently dying of cancer.  He is stage four melanoma cancer and it is growing inside of his lungs.  Due to the treatments and many hospital trips, my mother and I have been watching her 5, 3, and 2 year old along with my 4 and 2 year old.  So five kids five and under is easily understood to be exhausting as they clearly understand their dad is sick.  I am blessed I have a way to help out in any way and are currently on week four of this arrangement. 

As you all know I was involved in a car accident 10 years ago.  I broke my back; I had four pounds worth of metal put in my back.  The pain never left. "Give it time" they said.  "Let it heal" they said.  "Lose some weight;" "get a breast reduction;" "wear custom orthotics" and yet, nothing healed.  Nothing got better.  Since January of last year I have seem a chiropractor, a doctor, a neurosurgeon and endured x-rays, MRI, Cat scan and today an injection.  I have learned that most likely nine years ago, a screw broke, so that my lower back never healed properly.  I have confirmed nerve damage in which there is no repair.  In other words, over the last nine to ten years, I have genuinely been broken.  There is confirmed swelling in my spinal joints that are beginning to look arthritic so the injections I received today are to help see if they give any relief to see if that might be the cause of my pain or if the screw will need to be removed or replaced, although being Medicaid, my neurosurgeon already made clear it was an option he didn't want to do.  I am to give the injection at least five days to see if there is improvement, but so far, I am in more pain than on a normal day.

 

 

 

 

My son is very sharp and yearns to learn, but misses the deadline to start kindergarten this coming year that I am also beginning the process to try and get him in early enrollment. 

I love my calling at church, but is keeping me busy as is my person scripture study and institute class.  I am ironically at the very end of my rope, feeling life is unfair, I am overwhelmed and exhausted, hurting emotionally and physically, weighed down by all I feel I need to do; yet, I trust the Lord and put my life in his hands.  I somehow survive each day and am still able to recognize that while life is hard, I am happier than I was two years ago. 

I am currently dating Matt still and still see the parts of myself that need to continue healing, but am also now finally seeing the parts that have healed.  I am truly seeking the Lord diligently, especially in this area, to guide me in my choices and keep coming back to Matt and the love I have for him.  I wish I didn't feel so broken emotionally and especially physically, but the Lord is on my side.  I know for years, I used this blog to post about my life and garnered support and understand through my posts, but I feel most things like that are now reserved for my personal diary.  I have been doing a lucrative amount of study on the Bible, the Book of Mormon and other church literature, that I debating on once again writing regularly, but in an attempt to share the joy I am finding as I am working on building myself through Christ.