I can officially say that the injections have not worked. My pain is no better than usual and in fact it seems to have almost made it worse at times having the extra pressure in my back. Needless to say I am disheartened and dejected. It feels impossible. The once neurosurgeon I have that takes Medicaid, doesn't want to do surgery and has already written me off, but doesn't this prove that my pain isn't coming from my joints or the wear and tare of my hardware. Doesn't this prove there is something else wrong? Sadly, my back has been getting worse since I got here to Colorado and I don't know of it is because of how active I am now, at the gym and working out, that I am possibly adding to the pain, or it something has happened within my back making it worse, or it is possible the severe pressure changes as the weather changes so rapidly; an occurrence I didn't encounter in TN. So what do I do? Push for a surgery someone doesn't want to preform and hope they do an adequate job or hope that maybe someday I can be married and provided for again so that I can have insurance to finally fix the pain. I feel so alone and so lost in all of this. I feel so stuck and discouraged and frankly feeling sorry for myself.
I was promised an eternity of love and support, but Josh is currently in the hospital with his fiancé waiting for the birth of their baby while I am here trying as best I can to raise my 4 and 2 year old while still dealing with all of this. I am blessed and grateful that at least I have Medicaid, otherwise I can't even imagine the debt and life I would be struggling with, but where is the life I was promised?
It is all so hard and my faith must not be strong enough, because I doubt the strength I am given, questioning if it is enough.
I am trying my very best every day. Every day I try to be the best mom I can be,. The best person I can be. The best daughter and house guest I can be and have even been trying to serve more in hopes of finding happiness, but I still fall short. Always I fall short.
yet, as I write this sobbing, my 4 year old came in, saying he heard me crying and wanted to come give me love. so now my little man is in my lap and in my arms giving me hugs and kisses; telling me he loves me and he wants me. How selfish am I? I am so grateful for this, my angels. and God does know what I need. I hate falling apart in front of him, but he doesn't care; he just wants to share his love and his happiness and it is working.
I'm so sorry for all this you are going through and the incredible pain! (((Hugs))) You are certainly not a weak woman! The emotions you feel are valid and real. What you have been through sucks for sure, but we ALL fall short. We always will. That's why we have a Savior. That's what the Atonement is for.
ReplyDeleteOur emotional pains cause us real physical pains too. There's a great book I would recommend you read. Get a used copy off Amazon. It's called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. The author is Karol Truman. It's phenomenal and a great resource I refer to often. Hang in there, Cherish. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. His promises are sure. Love you! https://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/i-am-a-child-of-god?lang=eng