Forgive me if this turns more into an outline rather than the emotional state of being I am at, but it has been a long day, but felt the need to share my circumstances.
For beginners Josh and his fiancé are expecting their first child together either late this month or early next month.
My sister's husband is currently dying of cancer. He is stage four melanoma cancer and it is growing inside of his lungs. Due to the treatments and many hospital trips, my mother and I have been watching her 5, 3, and 2 year old along with my 4 and 2 year old. So five kids five and under is easily understood to be exhausting as they clearly understand their dad is sick. I am blessed I have a way to help out in any way and are currently on week four of this arrangement.
As you all know I was involved in a car accident 10 years ago. I broke my back; I had four pounds worth of metal put in my back. The pain never left. "Give it time" they said. "Let it heal" they said. "Lose some weight;" "get a breast reduction;" "wear custom orthotics" and yet, nothing healed. Nothing got better. Since January of last year I have seem a chiropractor, a doctor, a neurosurgeon and endured x-rays, MRI, Cat scan and today an injection. I have learned that most likely nine years ago, a screw broke, so that my lower back never healed properly. I have confirmed nerve damage in which there is no repair. In other words, over the last nine to ten years, I have genuinely been broken. There is confirmed swelling in my spinal joints that are beginning to look arthritic so the injections I received today are to help see if they give any relief to see if that might be the cause of my pain or if the screw will need to be removed or replaced, although being Medicaid, my neurosurgeon already made clear it was an option he didn't want to do. I am to give the injection at least five days to see if there is improvement, but so far, I am in more pain than on a normal day.
My son is very sharp and yearns to learn, but misses the deadline to start kindergarten this coming year that I am also beginning the process to try and get him in early enrollment.
I love my calling at church, but is keeping me busy as is my person scripture study and institute class. I am ironically at the very end of my rope, feeling life is unfair, I am overwhelmed and exhausted, hurting emotionally and physically, weighed down by all I feel I need to do; yet, I trust the Lord and put my life in his hands. I somehow survive each day and am still able to recognize that while life is hard, I am happier than I was two years ago.
I am currently dating Matt still and still see the parts of myself that need to continue healing, but am also now finally seeing the parts that have healed. I am truly seeking the Lord diligently, especially in this area, to guide me in my choices and keep coming back to Matt and the love I have for him. I wish I didn't feel so broken emotionally and especially physically, but the Lord is on my side. I know for years, I used this blog to post about my life and garnered support and understand through my posts, but I feel most things like that are now reserved for my personal diary. I have been doing a lucrative amount of study on the Bible, the Book of Mormon and other church literature, that I debating on once again writing regularly, but in an attempt to share the joy I am finding as I am working on building myself through Christ.
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