Breakups are hard

I was planning on just relaxing on the couch and watching a show with my person time this evening, but felt impressed to write and share on my blog why I am once again single.  It has come to my attention that after being single for six weeks or so, most people are in fact unaware of this fact, which is fine, but tonight I feel I need to share my story.

                As you know, my divorce was devastating for me as the love of my life told me he no longer loved me and then to add insult to injure, had been unfaithful with an ex from high school whom he admitted he had always loved.  Despite things in our relationship being more than difficult, and even abusive, I stayed, hoping my love for him could change the situation.  Reality crushed me as I adapted to being a single mom to an infant and a toddler.  It wasn’t long after this that an old friend of mine reached out.  Feeling impressed, I began sharing with him what makes me, me: the gospel of my church.  I have to admit I was surprised when he agreed with and accepted my truths as his truths and in this very special sharing of myself I developed a stronger connection with this friend, Matt.

                Although I had known Matt for six years and had talked on and off for that period, there were still gaps in our lives that we did not know of each other.  We spent every night on the phone for hours and this friendship turned into something more, and to be very honest, into a sort of fantasy for me as I faced the reality of what being a single mom really was.  I kept many of my dreams to myself, but I dreamed that Matt would join the church, move to Colorado and then sweep me off my feet in a new romance that would end in marriage.  What a blessing it would be to come out of such a difficult marriage, to then fall into the arms of the one I was really supposed to be with. 

                Well surprisingly, many aspects of that dream came true.  Matt did join the church, he did move out here, and he did fall in love with me.  Yet, despite this being my dream, I was hesitant, afraid and still very broken.  When he kissed me, it wasn’t the familiar kiss of my ex husband that I had been receiving for the last nine years.  I quickly became aware of the difference in background we had as we were raised very differently and our life experiences has taken us in different places.  I wanted so bad to have my dream, but was a little scared to commit to it.  However scared or indecisive I was though, Matt was not.  He made it clear what it was he found attractive in me.  He was kind, patient, devoted, and loving.  He was not timid at all in making advances, and no matter how many times I pushed him away out of disbelief, fear or concern, he was always there.  There was not the same burning romance I had once experienced for my ex husband, which gave me doubts, but he was good to me and to the children and slowly I felt my heart begin to open.

                Having grown up in the west, having had exposure to many cultures and education I admit I found Matt to at times be very rough around the edges as for the most part he grew up with no religion in a small town in a rough area.  Although I knew this is where he came from, I hoped that his immersion into school, church and Colorado life would smooth out some of those edges.  Our relationship grew and just as my children became more attached, so did I. When he kissed me it was no longer awkward, or a comparison to kisses from my past; instead, I got the fluttering butterflies of excitement.  When he looked into my eyes I could see the desire.  I could see the love and I loved the way he loved me.  The way he held my face in his hand with the other arm wrapped round me, I was finally safe. 

                Matt and I began to have more and more spats and we quickly learned that our styles in communicating were very different as were our love languages, which led to a lot of these misunderstandings.  However, no matter how many quarrels we had, we always managed to work them out.  We always expressed our respect and love for one another and often times we felt stronger after such occurrences rather than weaker.  We even began talking of marriage and the plausibility of what life together would look like.  My dream was coming true and we dreamed our dreams together, actively trying to make it real.  Unfortunately, there was something in the back of my mind constantly nagging at me.  Although I loved Matt, I knew we were having to work really hard at maintain a relationship and while I didn’t mind working at love, as all relationships are work, I started going over our connection with a fine tooth comb.  The more I reviewed, the more I saw the same arguments and issues coming up again and again.  I began being fearful that these small fights were masks to a big issue that might just never change and I began to see the disappointment and unhappiness I had in fact been feeling and suppressing.  Yet the fact remained: I loved Matt. He would be a great husband and a great father, so couldn’t we make this work? Matt believed so and we split up to focus on ourselves with the intent of not relying on each other and furthering ourselves for ourselves. Sadly, this didn’t last very long as all that occupied my thoughts, heart, and mind was him. 

                We got back together knowing now where our weaknesses as a couple lie. We had now been together for so long and a lover that started out as a seed really had grown to be something that was beautiful and something I cherished, which meant it was worth fighting for.  Over the nine months we had been together I had been healed.  I no longer missed or longed for the love of my ex.  I no longer held to memories of the past when I had been loved. I no longer needed that as I had a great man right in front of me offering me just that.  I no longer heard the years of worth of critic nagging at my insides, telling me I wasn’t enough, or that there was something wrong with me. Matt, with his love, had picked me up off the floor of despair and negativity, holding me until I could stand on my own two feet, seeing that I was worth loving and I did in fact have a lot to offer.  Matt showed me that it was okay to be loved, to love and to be in love.  His patience and amazed me and many would have walked away after the  second or third time I would lose it, shut down and push away.  Matt, loving me, and knowing me and my defense mechanisms remained steadfast even after the hundredth time of such an occurrence.  Matt knew me.  He knew my kids and I wanted so badly to be a family.  I saw Matt and all the potential he has, knowing he can be everything I want and need in a husband, but the reality of the situation was this: he just wasn’t there yet.

                As some of you know, my mother got her masters in psychology; specifically child development and family relations. So soon after my divorce she had my compile a list of my three non-negotiables.  These are the three things I NEED in a relationship.  If someone can’t meet these three needs then I needed to move on. The predicament was this: Matt, coming from a situation so different, joining the church so recently, and being in a lifestyle that was completely new to him I knew would require time and adjustment.  As I stated, Matt had the potential and I believed with all my heart all he needed was time, especially as he seemed so perfect in so many ways.  I know I am not always easy to love.  I am strong willed, controlling, goal oriented and expectant.  Yet, despite these qualities that send most men running, it was something that Matt saw and loved and I needed his love. But, when th time kept on passing and situations didn’t change, my fears were no longer a quiet voice in the back of my mind; they were a loud cautionary siren.  Matt and I talked over and over about these fears and again and agin I laid out my three needs:

1.       A man who can financially provide for me and my children so that I can be the stay at home mother I love and need to be.

2.       I needed a man who loved me for who I was, yet who could and would always encourage me to be more; helping me reach goals to better myself

3.       Although last on the list, but most important: I needed a man who was a worthy priesthood holding, temple recommended man who was a spiritual equal to me. Meaning, someone who veraciously partook of the scriptures daily the way I do. Someone who magnifies their priesthood and their callings. Someone who attends the temple regularly and would take me there as well.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect.  I am looking for Mr. Perfect For Me and that means meeting the three things on this list. 

                One evening while watching TV with Matt something happened that caused me to get upset and a years worth of waiting in this list was recalled.  I truly felt as if my words were being guided as a realization fell over me.  While Matt has the potential to reach all of these things, the time was up.  I couldn’t put my life on hold anymore.  If I continued on in this relationship with Matt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away, but I had to walk away or how could I really be happy if he wasn’t capable of meeting one or more of these needs.  My heart broke as I shared those feelings with him because here I was breaking up with a man I loved.  Matt promises he could be that man.  That he would be that man.  I wanted to believe him and secretly hoped he could.  Maybe time apart is what we needed.  Maybe this was who and what he was and he was still growing, but after investing a year, I knew I needed to at least start looking around again.  Six weeks have passed.  I am lonely and I still love and miss him. All along though, I felt confident with my choice.  Last night I felt impressed to drop by randomly at Matt’s house and was disappointed to see that in six weeks the only change made was a step backward. I understand loneliness, and depression, but it was a validation that maybe we were two people just on different levels of life and while there is nothing wrong with that, it does in fact make us incompatible. It is really hard because after my husband, he is the only other person I have loved and now once again I am trying to get over the heart break of being without him. 

                I am not sure why I felt I needed to share this as it is very personal, but if there is something I can add it is this: when I married the first time, I did not know my worth.  I was so happy to just be loved by someone that I accepted the love that was given, not even thinking to hold off or weigh it against my needs.  In the end, I sold myself short.  We were both unhappy as I felt he held me back and he felt I expected too much.  I am not saying to judge and look down on people, but know your worth.  Know yourself and what it is you need, even at the cost of your heart as I promise in the end I know you will be happier.  I love Matt, but I love myself and my relationship with the Lord.  I am not going to tie myself to anything other than my equal that we may work side by side in this life together to then work side by side in the hereafter at a matched paced to our Celestial glory.  Love isn’t always enough. Make your own list and like me, search for that happiness and if you are doing al that is right, you will find it and will be blessed for it.

Keep me in your prayers and if you feel impressed to introduce me to someone let me know, lol as a single mom looking for someone who is LDS and single I am finding it pretty impossible to meet anyone.

 

Happy Mother's Day

Last Mother’s Day I know I came off a little bitter about the big hubbub people make about mothers, but only on one day.  Yet, almost every other day, society belittles the role of a mother, whether she stays at home or whether she works.  Constant criticism is found on how children are raised, what is right and how many are ”bad mothers” for allowing certain foods, electronics, and other trivial and personal choices.  With this criticism rampant and having been newly divorced, I was struggling to find what it meant for me to be a mother.  The year prior my then husband admitted I was less desirable once I became a mom; then having him leave me for another woman left me doubting all aspects of myself.  I wasn’t sure I could be both a mom and a dad, even com Mother’s Day when I had been doing it for a while.  I felt that while giving all I had, I was still falling short and the idea of failing my kids killed me inside. Then Mother’s Day rolled around and My children then one and three could not validate me as a mother or the fears I held deep within my heart.  Yet, all around me people congratulated mothers for being mothers and I felt inadequate and honestly out of place as I felt my situation was so different from the friends and families surrounding me.  Why could someone say Happy Mother’s Day or comment that I was a good mom, when for the last year I struggled to find my footing to be a single mom.  Where were those encouraging words when I needed them most and how trite their praises sounded when said only because of a day.  Needless to say, I was not in a good place and I was in fact bitter, although I hadn’t admitted that to myself yet.

This year however, I find myself in a very different place and am pleased to share that this year my heart is full and I see the joy of Mother’s Day. I could go into a lot of detail about the incidents in my life that influenced some of what changed of heart, but let me be terse by saying that my son offered a personal prayer, undirected, simply talking to his friend, his God he thanked the Lord for his mommy in a long four minute monologue that brought tears of joy to my eyes because my son recognized the deep love I had for him, and in return shared the love he had for me in his gratitude to the Lord.  Then, only a day later a friend sweetly brought me a corsage to celebrate my role as mother that I could wear it to church proudly knowing that when this friend thought of Mother’s Day, he thought of me.  While these things are important and very touching, this is not what has changed my heart.  What truly change my heart was recognizing my role as mother and understanding exactly what that was.

For me, I needed to go to the very basics: what as a mother am I expected to do? However, this was the wrong question to ask as I was quickly overwhelmed with the list that flooded my mind: doctor, cook, nurturer, therapist, nanny, playmate, discipliner, educator, accountant, and as you know the list goes on and on and on and on. Taking a step back, I asked a different question: What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? This question was the question I needed. Yes, we are expected to meet all the physical and emotional needs of our children, but most importantly, what am I doing to nourish their spirits? How can I go back to my Father and account for the precious souls he put in my care.  Having asked this question, I saw the areas I needed to improve upon.  I needed to be more diligent about reading scriptures with my children every night so that they know mom loves them and Jesus loves them.  By doing this, it gave my little family a reason to huddle together on the floor each and every night to partake in one another’s company as we read and learned together.  I also taught my children to have their own personal prayers rather that just saying a family prayer on my own before tucking them in bed.  In doing this I have taught my children their importance and individuality.  I have taught them how to recognize and ne grateful for things in order for them to share that with their Lord.  I also became more diligent about holding a Family Home Evening where I taught my children a story from the scriptures, while providing an activity to help them remember the lesson.  Once again this has given our family the opportunity to spend quality time with one another while teaching my children the importance of sitting and listening to a lesson and them learning for themselves they have the ability to speak up and contribute their thoughts and feeling as well.  While I was trying to meet their spiritual needs, their others needs were being met.  I have confidence in what I am doing as a mother, knowing I am preparing my children the best way I can.  I am teaching them to love, think and act. 

“You are a link in the chains of generations…It is a status, an office. Just as is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king.” (Bethge, Eberhard).  Being a mother is a calling from God.  We have been chosen and set apart to co-create and brink into this world life to care for, nourish, raise, and then let go of. What a sacred privilege.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and frankly,  put out with all the tasks we are expected and needed to perform, but I have found that when I go back to the question What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? I am confident in my role.  I can’t help but recall the story of the two thousand stripling warriors:

 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it (Alma 56:47-48).

They had been taught by their mothers that these youth, these teenage boys feared not for their lives, but were more concerned for the liberty and safety of their fathers, knowing in their heart that God would deliver them because their mothers had taught them so!

Two thousand stripling warriors, young men of power and might

Responded to the battle cry; O who will stand and fight?

Behold, our God is with us!  We serve at His command. 

They did not fear to give their lives but boldly took a stand.

 

This willing band of brothers were by their mothers taught

To trust in God continually, be true in deed and thought.

For God would then protect them; their faith He would reward.

They did not doubt their mothers knew; they trusted in the Lord (Murray, Bonnie).

These mothers prepared their sons.  Yes they fed and clothed them, meeting their physical needs, but more importantly they taught these boys how to be men by showing them and teaching them the Love of the Lord. What type of mother is that? Strong, valiant, intelligent, just to name a few, but we too can be all those things when we rely on the Lord to guide us as we magnify the calling of Mother.  We have been told time and time again that the last days are here:

But behold, in the last days, even now while the Lord is beginning to bring forth the word, and the blade is springing up and is yet tender—

Behold, verily I say unto you, the angels are crying unto the Lord day and night, who are ready and waiting to be sent forth to reap down the fields;

But the Lord saith unto them, pluck not up the tares while the blade is yet tender (for verily your faith is weak), lest you destroy the wheat also.

Therefore, let the wheat and the tares grow together until the harvest is fully ripe; then ye shall first gather out the wheat from among the tares, and after the gathering of the wheat, behold and lo, the tares are bound in bundles, and the field remaineth to be burned (D&C 86:4-7).

Sixty one years after this revelation was given, president Wilford Wodruff declared that the Lord has release those destroying angels and they were then upon the earth separating the tares from the wheat in preparation for the burning that would soon take place:

“God has held the angels of destruction for many years, lest they should reap down the wheat with the tares. But I want you to tell you now, that those angels have left the portals of heaven, and they stand over this people and this nation now, and are hovering over the earth waiting to pour out the judgments. And from this very day they shall be poured out. Calamities and troubles are increasing in the earth, and there is a meaning to these things. Remember this, and reflect upon these matters.”

So what does this have to do with motherhood? We are in a similar position as those mothers of the two thousand stripling warriors.  Just as they had to prepare their young children to be ready to go off and fight in a war, so do we. Morality, Integrity and other virtues that used to be a staple in our communities are not only disappearing, but mocked. Every day we face temptations we have to fight against and the world is getting scary.  We are sending our children out to be on the front lines to fight against Satan and prepare for the return of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This reality terrifies me.  How can I ever prepare my sweet little children to be ready to fight such a battle?  I know for a fact it is not something I can do on my own.  And even if I had a husband, I would still be incapable of preparing them properly.  While I am the instrument and intercessory, it is the Lord and his spirit and power that helps me prepare these children as I take care of them as he would.  This reality brings such divinity to my role as mother and I am ashamed for being so flustered and out of place last year when the simple truth of what I am and what a mother is lies in what my Lord would do.  How blessed I am to have the title of mother.  It is no easy job and I am eternally grateful to my mother who gave me such a good example of what a mother is supposed to be. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for trusting me to take care of his special, precious spirit children and I am grateful for his trust and belief in me, even when I fail to see it.  So this Mother’s Day I walk with confidence in knowing who I am and confidence in knowing that I am in fact doing all I can. So let me proudly say to you, to me, and to all Mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!