Breakups are hard

I was planning on just relaxing on the couch and watching a show with my person time this evening, but felt impressed to write and share on my blog why I am once again single.  It has come to my attention that after being single for six weeks or so, most people are in fact unaware of this fact, which is fine, but tonight I feel I need to share my story.

                As you know, my divorce was devastating for me as the love of my life told me he no longer loved me and then to add insult to injure, had been unfaithful with an ex from high school whom he admitted he had always loved.  Despite things in our relationship being more than difficult, and even abusive, I stayed, hoping my love for him could change the situation.  Reality crushed me as I adapted to being a single mom to an infant and a toddler.  It wasn’t long after this that an old friend of mine reached out.  Feeling impressed, I began sharing with him what makes me, me: the gospel of my church.  I have to admit I was surprised when he agreed with and accepted my truths as his truths and in this very special sharing of myself I developed a stronger connection with this friend, Matt.

                Although I had known Matt for six years and had talked on and off for that period, there were still gaps in our lives that we did not know of each other.  We spent every night on the phone for hours and this friendship turned into something more, and to be very honest, into a sort of fantasy for me as I faced the reality of what being a single mom really was.  I kept many of my dreams to myself, but I dreamed that Matt would join the church, move to Colorado and then sweep me off my feet in a new romance that would end in marriage.  What a blessing it would be to come out of such a difficult marriage, to then fall into the arms of the one I was really supposed to be with. 

                Well surprisingly, many aspects of that dream came true.  Matt did join the church, he did move out here, and he did fall in love with me.  Yet, despite this being my dream, I was hesitant, afraid and still very broken.  When he kissed me, it wasn’t the familiar kiss of my ex husband that I had been receiving for the last nine years.  I quickly became aware of the difference in background we had as we were raised very differently and our life experiences has taken us in different places.  I wanted so bad to have my dream, but was a little scared to commit to it.  However scared or indecisive I was though, Matt was not.  He made it clear what it was he found attractive in me.  He was kind, patient, devoted, and loving.  He was not timid at all in making advances, and no matter how many times I pushed him away out of disbelief, fear or concern, he was always there.  There was not the same burning romance I had once experienced for my ex husband, which gave me doubts, but he was good to me and to the children and slowly I felt my heart begin to open.

                Having grown up in the west, having had exposure to many cultures and education I admit I found Matt to at times be very rough around the edges as for the most part he grew up with no religion in a small town in a rough area.  Although I knew this is where he came from, I hoped that his immersion into school, church and Colorado life would smooth out some of those edges.  Our relationship grew and just as my children became more attached, so did I. When he kissed me it was no longer awkward, or a comparison to kisses from my past; instead, I got the fluttering butterflies of excitement.  When he looked into my eyes I could see the desire.  I could see the love and I loved the way he loved me.  The way he held my face in his hand with the other arm wrapped round me, I was finally safe. 

                Matt and I began to have more and more spats and we quickly learned that our styles in communicating were very different as were our love languages, which led to a lot of these misunderstandings.  However, no matter how many quarrels we had, we always managed to work them out.  We always expressed our respect and love for one another and often times we felt stronger after such occurrences rather than weaker.  We even began talking of marriage and the plausibility of what life together would look like.  My dream was coming true and we dreamed our dreams together, actively trying to make it real.  Unfortunately, there was something in the back of my mind constantly nagging at me.  Although I loved Matt, I knew we were having to work really hard at maintain a relationship and while I didn’t mind working at love, as all relationships are work, I started going over our connection with a fine tooth comb.  The more I reviewed, the more I saw the same arguments and issues coming up again and again.  I began being fearful that these small fights were masks to a big issue that might just never change and I began to see the disappointment and unhappiness I had in fact been feeling and suppressing.  Yet the fact remained: I loved Matt. He would be a great husband and a great father, so couldn’t we make this work? Matt believed so and we split up to focus on ourselves with the intent of not relying on each other and furthering ourselves for ourselves. Sadly, this didn’t last very long as all that occupied my thoughts, heart, and mind was him. 

                We got back together knowing now where our weaknesses as a couple lie. We had now been together for so long and a lover that started out as a seed really had grown to be something that was beautiful and something I cherished, which meant it was worth fighting for.  Over the nine months we had been together I had been healed.  I no longer missed or longed for the love of my ex.  I no longer held to memories of the past when I had been loved. I no longer needed that as I had a great man right in front of me offering me just that.  I no longer heard the years of worth of critic nagging at my insides, telling me I wasn’t enough, or that there was something wrong with me. Matt, with his love, had picked me up off the floor of despair and negativity, holding me until I could stand on my own two feet, seeing that I was worth loving and I did in fact have a lot to offer.  Matt showed me that it was okay to be loved, to love and to be in love.  His patience and amazed me and many would have walked away after the  second or third time I would lose it, shut down and push away.  Matt, loving me, and knowing me and my defense mechanisms remained steadfast even after the hundredth time of such an occurrence.  Matt knew me.  He knew my kids and I wanted so badly to be a family.  I saw Matt and all the potential he has, knowing he can be everything I want and need in a husband, but the reality of the situation was this: he just wasn’t there yet.

                As some of you know, my mother got her masters in psychology; specifically child development and family relations. So soon after my divorce she had my compile a list of my three non-negotiables.  These are the three things I NEED in a relationship.  If someone can’t meet these three needs then I needed to move on. The predicament was this: Matt, coming from a situation so different, joining the church so recently, and being in a lifestyle that was completely new to him I knew would require time and adjustment.  As I stated, Matt had the potential and I believed with all my heart all he needed was time, especially as he seemed so perfect in so many ways.  I know I am not always easy to love.  I am strong willed, controlling, goal oriented and expectant.  Yet, despite these qualities that send most men running, it was something that Matt saw and loved and I needed his love. But, when th time kept on passing and situations didn’t change, my fears were no longer a quiet voice in the back of my mind; they were a loud cautionary siren.  Matt and I talked over and over about these fears and again and agin I laid out my three needs:

1.       A man who can financially provide for me and my children so that I can be the stay at home mother I love and need to be.

2.       I needed a man who loved me for who I was, yet who could and would always encourage me to be more; helping me reach goals to better myself

3.       Although last on the list, but most important: I needed a man who was a worthy priesthood holding, temple recommended man who was a spiritual equal to me. Meaning, someone who veraciously partook of the scriptures daily the way I do. Someone who magnifies their priesthood and their callings. Someone who attends the temple regularly and would take me there as well.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect.  I am looking for Mr. Perfect For Me and that means meeting the three things on this list. 

                One evening while watching TV with Matt something happened that caused me to get upset and a years worth of waiting in this list was recalled.  I truly felt as if my words were being guided as a realization fell over me.  While Matt has the potential to reach all of these things, the time was up.  I couldn’t put my life on hold anymore.  If I continued on in this relationship with Matt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away, but I had to walk away or how could I really be happy if he wasn’t capable of meeting one or more of these needs.  My heart broke as I shared those feelings with him because here I was breaking up with a man I loved.  Matt promises he could be that man.  That he would be that man.  I wanted to believe him and secretly hoped he could.  Maybe time apart is what we needed.  Maybe this was who and what he was and he was still growing, but after investing a year, I knew I needed to at least start looking around again.  Six weeks have passed.  I am lonely and I still love and miss him. All along though, I felt confident with my choice.  Last night I felt impressed to drop by randomly at Matt’s house and was disappointed to see that in six weeks the only change made was a step backward. I understand loneliness, and depression, but it was a validation that maybe we were two people just on different levels of life and while there is nothing wrong with that, it does in fact make us incompatible. It is really hard because after my husband, he is the only other person I have loved and now once again I am trying to get over the heart break of being without him. 

                I am not sure why I felt I needed to share this as it is very personal, but if there is something I can add it is this: when I married the first time, I did not know my worth.  I was so happy to just be loved by someone that I accepted the love that was given, not even thinking to hold off or weigh it against my needs.  In the end, I sold myself short.  We were both unhappy as I felt he held me back and he felt I expected too much.  I am not saying to judge and look down on people, but know your worth.  Know yourself and what it is you need, even at the cost of your heart as I promise in the end I know you will be happier.  I love Matt, but I love myself and my relationship with the Lord.  I am not going to tie myself to anything other than my equal that we may work side by side in this life together to then work side by side in the hereafter at a matched paced to our Celestial glory.  Love isn’t always enough. Make your own list and like me, search for that happiness and if you are doing al that is right, you will find it and will be blessed for it.

Keep me in your prayers and if you feel impressed to introduce me to someone let me know, lol as a single mom looking for someone who is LDS and single I am finding it pretty impossible to meet anyone.