Married!

I know, I know, it has been waaaaaay too long since I have posted. Funny how when life is good, I no longer feel the need to write everything down. Writing is a very cathartic thing for me. What can I say, life has been good. Within the first couple days of the new 2016 year I had an old friend from college call me up and ask me to hang out. This is something we have done for years at a time so I assumed it would be the same as every other time. Like every other time I felt the little butterflies in my stomach as we connected emotionally over conversation and memories. Like every other time we talked for hours and after our four hour conversation and he brought me home, I still was not ready for our time together to end. Ryan was invited inside and we talked for hours more, long into the night. I picked up on flirtation, but that that had always been a common component in our relationship that there began to be a twinge of concern and confusion as I wasn't sure if this was just us old friends hanging out, or if this was in fact a date. The nerve fluttered harder within my belly as I recounted for years when Ryan and I would hang out like this I would always feel so fulfilled, but then he would disappear for several months before we hung out again. Since I had had such a wonderful evening, I wanted more. I set up a time for Ryan to return the next day which he happily agreed to.  The next day was much like the first. Conversation was easy as was his company, but I struggled over and over in my mind to see if this was once again a friendship outing or the possibility of something more. After dinner and driving home, I was unable to bare it any longer. I very bluntly asked Ryan if he considered this outing a date. A little sheepishly, he replied that he considered it a date. I let him know that I had been hopping that's how he felt and from there on out my confidence soared as I was now very interested and on a date with one of my best friends who I had known for 10 years. There was no needing to fill him in on my life with Josh as he and Josh used to be very good friends. He watched as my marriage had declined. he watched as my relationship with Matt waxed and then waned and now finally after 10 years of my relationships he admitted his innocent crush he had always had on me. It was that night that we shared in our first kiss. There was an instant connection and from there on out, I knew I wanted to follow this through as I knew I had more than just a crush. We continued to date either every day or every other day, spending all of our free time with each other. it was in our second week of dating that I knew in my heart without doubt that Ryan was the man I was to marry. Never before I my life had I ever felt the spirit witness something so strong to me and so quickly. Me, someone who doubts, questions, and probes until I feel safe, was at a loss for all the sudden just knowing that this was it. There were no doubts as every time I started to the spirit again would witness the truth of our love and the direction we were heading.  It took Ryan a little longer to come to that conclusion, but it still wasn't long. He loves me and he loves the kids that after only three months we were already discussing marriage. Again it helped that we had known each other for ten years as we knew each other very well. Our relationship was already developed. I knew his fault as well as mine and the only progression was from friendship into something more.  At four months. Ryan and I went hiking with the kids and hiked and climbed to the very top of Castle Rock. There Ryan gave me a book of poems by my favorite poet with little notes on poems that meant something to him. He then had Amellia bring me the ring box which I opened to find a penny with the date of 2005, which was the year we first met. He then got down on one knee and proposed to me. I instantly said yes as again I knew with every fiber of my being that this is what was right for me and my family. Ryan didn't fill in holes or gapes in my life, instead he magnified all the good I had in my life. We don't NEED Ryan, we LOVED and WANTED Ryan for all that he did to make life better than what we already had.
It was only a week after that, that I had my third back surgery to remove the hardware that was broken inside of my back. It was another long recovery as once again they cut through all the muscles in my back. After two months it was clear to see that while they took out the broken hardware, it had not improved any of my pain and it was determined by my doctor that there was nothing left to do that would take any of the pain away. I was devastated. I had been given hope that this surgery might help alleviate at least some of my pain, to then again be told that this was pain I will just have to live with the rest of my life. Ryan was supportive and loving through it all. He stayed with me the entire time I was in the hospital and waited on me hand and foot, taking care of the kids while I recovered. Recovery was slow, but you know me, I won't let anything hold me back. Ryan encouraged an pushed me in all the best ways and before I knew it: I knew I was once again well enough to be married.  Ryan and I began planning. Ryan and I met up in Fort Collins while we were attending Colorado State University, so it made perfect sense that we should be married up in the new Fort Collins temple, which we were on November 11, 2016. I have found the missing piece to our family and I couldn't be any happier as we start our life together. Thank you again for your patience as my free time went toward courting the man I was to marry. I will try and post more frequently and share all the dirty little tid-bits of my life as I stubble upon them as well as what Ive been learning in my scripture study. I hope you all are well and thanks for still checking my blog!

Deep within me

Deep within me lies a darkness
     only you can see.
Trials and tribulations you provide
     that I might with you clean.
Pull out said darkness, increase my love
     Grow. In stature and might.
Drag my feet, I'm guilty, although slowly
     I see, your light.
My potential I know not. What I know
     I sometimes forget.
You nurture, purify that I might know
     partake of your redemption. Repent!
Patient? Not always during this process
Patient. Always. With me you "forget"
     my sin, my failures, my darker side.
Rift with imperfections, your charity, grace sublime
     train my perspective to see the eternal side.
"Thank you" is insufficient. my tithes fall short
     the only think I can truly give, my will,
     which my spirit supports.
The only think that's truly mine,
     I work daily to give to you.
As its the only gift that I can with it say,
     "I love you."
I'm sorry for my darkness, my imperfections,
     the human side of me.
But help me as always, that through you
     I might be...
Like You.

Losing hope, yet keeping it all at the same time

                Being single is hard work. There is nothing easy about dating.  If you are single, it is because you have walked away from a relationship in the past that did not work out.  This puts the single folk in a position where they are carrying around memories and baggage (as we will always carry around mementos from our past) along with a list of needs or expectations having learned the hard way one or more times what does not work.  This is where I find myself. I turn thirty next month and I found myself once again single; the very think I thought I had done away with in my life when I was married at the age of twenty one.  Yet, here I am, young, but not young enough, with two kids, and with nine years of memories jaded with the image of my Ex.

                The last couple of years were very difficult with my Ex and I would even go as far as to say abusive, while not physically, still left me with marks  Things were so bad in the end I started to look forward to dating with excitement, wondering what it would be like to have a guy work to gain my attention.  To be with someone who wanted to be with me, not simply because they were trying to endure our matrimonial covenants. Despite this excitement, I was a wreck after my Ex left and spent most of the next year trying to heal myself of the emotional and spiritual wounds that had been inflicted on my through my Ex and through the poisonous relationship we both fostered. I then dated a couple of men who had been close friends, making dating seems anything but scary, but now after all of that is past, here I am starting off a new decade in a situation I realize I was right to fear prior to my marriage. 

Whoever told me dating was fun, was a bold faced liar.  Fun comes in after several dates, when you move past dating and into more of a relationship. Relationships are fun, but dating is not.  First dates are especially awful.  At first you are excited or even nonchalant about a person, but the closer you get to a date the more nervous and apprehensive you get because despite trying to be optimistic and hopeful,  you can’t help but remember every bad first date you have been on.  Then the fears flood you.  Fears of what the other person may or may not be like, fears of yourself and whether you are enough, which leads you to this weird state in which you put way too much pressure on yourself and getting ready as you have already come to the realization that a first date is nothing more than a show horse competition (excuse my analogy as I have been watching a lot of “Heartland” lately).  Basically you have a couple of hours where you will be judged. Usually on looks, career, hobbies, likes, dislikes and sometimes even political and religious opinions.  You are there to try and put your best foot forward; making the jumps your date throws at you and all the while trying to look pretty in the process, but if that weren’t complicated enough, you too are scoring and judging your date with your own set of criteria and needs, that come the end of the date, you don’t even know if you were even scoring one another on the same criteria, Heck, in the end, you don’t even know if you were even considered to be scored in the first place. Now you might argue that good communication could circumvent all of this.  Well, I disagree.  You can only be so honest and so direct before you come off as pushy, unapproachable, hard or too aggressive and if you are in fact earning points, you can’t afford to be labeled in such a way.  As I mentioned, you are doing judging of your own.  Where in a short period of time you essentially try and develop a connection to merit a second date, while not trying to get too attached so you aren’t hurt and disappointed if a second date doesn’t happen. 

So, once again dating is not fun, at least for me it is not.  You never know the person well enough to really feel comfortable and if you aren’t one hundred percent comfortable, how can you really be yourself? This is where I currently sit.  In the last two weeks I have had three first dates and no second dates and I can’t help but feel sad and lonely feeling like I’m not good enough; I must just be really bad at first impressions; or there just isn’t a guy out there for me, which brings me to my title. I have lost hope in finding a guy and remarrying.  Does this mean I am giving up? No. I will still go on dates if for no other reason than to maybe meet a new friend or two, but I no longer spend hours fantasizing and imagining what my next husband might be like.  I will not go out of my way to the point of incontinence to meet a new guy. I will not believe that I deserve a second chance in love and marriage.  Instead, I will focus on the hope that I do have.  I have hope in my temple covenants and of the covenants that I made when I was sealed.  I will hope in my Savior and in his timing knowing that even if I never have the experience here on earth, I will in fact have the opportunity to be bound to a noble and great man dependant on staying true to the promises I made with the Lord. So while I don’t hope for a new man in my life, I hope in the Lord and I have faith that if he chooses to bless me in such a way, then it will happen as long as I am doing all that I can.

I apologize if this comes off negative as that is not what is meant, rather, dating is difficult, which has led me to shift my perspective from a worldly one to an eternal one.

The American Flag

For Memorial Day my parents put up the American flag in on the flag pole that is attached to their house. My very curious four year old upon seeing it asked what that flag meant and why it was put on the house. I explained as simply that I could that Men and Women fought and still fight for us that we can have everything that we have.  I told him that the flag was to remind us that we live in a country where we have freedom. This satisfied his curiosity, yet the very next day he asked the same question.  I gave to him the same response.  Several days later he again asked the same question.  I was stressed out and in a hurry that I responded that he already knew the answer and that he should tell me what it meant.  I saw the thoughts in his head spinning as he had his thinking face on.  He then responded, “Oh, I remember! It is the Title of Liberty.” His answer surprised me greatly as obviously that wasn’t the definition I gave him yet I was very impressed as one of my favorite stories found in the Book of Mormon is that of Captain Moroni.  “Moroni, in response to dissensions within his own nation, rent his coat and wrote upon it, making of it a memorial to God, their religion, their freedoms, and their families, and then fastened it upon the end of a pole. ‘He went forth among the people, waving the rent part of his garment in the air, that all might see the writing which he had written upon the rent part, and crying with a loud voice saying: Behold, whosoever will maintain this title upon the land, let them come forth in the strength of the Lord, and enter into covenant that they will maintain their rights, and their religion, that the Lord God may bless them’” (Alma 46:19-20)

I have obviously shared this story with my son before but was astounded that my four year old could not only remember this story, but to also make the connection. I replied that he was very right and that the American flag is in fact a title of liberty. Astounded and impressed I shared this experience with my friend.  She admitted that she too was impressed but due to her experiences as an Army wife and with a distaste in her mouth from the current political situations she said she had a hard time seeing the American flag as such a title.  I very much agree with her statement in the fact that I too am not happy with the state of our country. I could write pages about all the corrupt aspects, how we have less and less freedom, and how people no longer challenge what they are told through experience or knowledge, but blindly accept politicians, regulations and other implementations.  I reminded her however that while the flag is a visual representation of our country, it is more so a representation of what we believe and the liberties we want and enjoy and that should our nation ever get to a state of dictatorship the flag would in no way represent that, rather it would still represent its original statutes of liberty. I then shared this: “Responding to Moroni’s challenge, many came forth ‘rending their garments in token, or as a covenant, that they would not forsake the Lord their God,’ and that they would not transgress his holy laws, nor would they be ashamed to take upon them the name of Christ, for should they do so, ‘the Lord should rend them even as they had rent their garments.’” (Alma 46:21-27)

Basically, the flag, our flag stands for the freedoms and beliefs each individual holds and has the freedom to enjoy and should those liberties be threatened we would respond in arms like Captain Moroni and his faithful countrymen to rid our country of such a threat. There is a lot of deep doctrine here that I don’t feel inspired or impressed to go into, but let me close in saying this: The most important law is God’s law, which we can reduce even in its simplest forms to the first two commandments. Let me paraphrase: 1. Love the Lord God with all your heart and 2. Love thy neighbor as yourself. If everyone alive loved their God (their standards beliefs etc) and treated every person the same way they treated their self then all violence, crime and every other disagreement would be completely irradiated.   Yet, should this right to worship as we believe, them like Moroni, we should arm ourselves for such rights. My belief in God is strong. I bear testimony that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, given to his prophets as is the Bible.  I am blessed and proud of my children who retain the stories I teach them and who then teach me.  Know your freedoms.  Know your beliefs and hold them dear.  Understand at what cost they were given to you and at what cost you would pay for them.

Why the selfie is more than just narcissism

For any popular “it thing” there is just as much back lash with vocal haters.  So too seems to be seen with the selfie.  More times than not you only hear why the selfie is an epidemic that needs to be done away with.  People who take selfies are labeled as vain, narcissistic, and classless. There seems to be so much judgment and hostility towards a way in which a picture is taken and the people taking those pictures. Like with anything, there are those that take things to more of an extreme, such as those individuals that use a selfie stick; however, I would like to give you the facts for why a selfie is not only appropriate, but healthy.

1.       Opportunity: I am a single mom.  Almost 98% of my day I am completely alone: me and my two toddlers.  Believe it or not, my young children are not very capable at taking a good photo.  I however think I take a decent photo.  What ended up happening that for two years, while I transitioned into singlehood after my divorce and transformed my body, attitude and life I had very few pictures of myself and my transformation.  If there was no way to take a selfie, I wouldn’t have any documentation of this big stage in my life.  Because of the selfie, I have the opportunity to be in photos I would in no other way be able to.

2.       No one is left out: While this is an addendum to the first point, it is still valid. How many times at Christmas, a social event, etc have wanted a picture of the entire group but are not in a place where someone is available to take your photo? I know I have experienced this and what ends up happening is one person volunteers to take the photo, being left out of the picture and after many years pass, tends to be left out from the memory as well.  Face it, without visual representation we forget things easily and quickly. Now while I am not an advocate for a selfie stick, here is my rebuttle against it: does it really matter if a picture is taken with a tripod or with a stick?

3.       Close proximity: When taking a selfie, you are typically taking a close up as you can only extend your camera the length of the reach of your arm.  Because of this when taking a picture with anyone else you are forced to huddle close to each other in order to fit in the frame.  Do I even need to argue why this is a good thing?  Especially in an age where we have become more and more disconnected with other people as anything anymore is more technological that it is social.  Even on social media, most things I find posted are recipies, memes and videos.  Even though it only takes a couple seconds to take a selfie, it is a couple seconds you are interacting closely with a human being you care enough about to take a picture with.

4.       How you view yourself: Now for me, this one is the most important point of all. While I feel this applies to everyone, obviously my life experiences has given me a perspective from a woman’s point of view.  Everywhere you turn women are becoming more sexualized that ever before.  Commercials for underwear show as much as soft porn used to.  As women, we are caught in a society run juxtaposition: you are a beautiful object that should be shown off and appreciated, yet also, are shamed for posting pictures of ourselves and quickly labeled vain when we show our face or bodies for anything other than sex. I know that is a very rough generalization, but the point I am trying to make is this: we are ALWAYS being judged.  Once again, I am sure this applies to male and female alike, but I can only speak from my experiences.  A woman posts a photo and she is labeled vain, seeking attention, or trying to get an interest’s attention.  However, that is WRONG, and while I am sure some women post selfies for one of those reasons I am willing to bet it isn’t the majority as it seems to be stated.  I post selfies of myself for ME and me alone.  Facebook is an amazing thing as are other social media sites, but I upload all photos to Facebook so that I have them safely saved to a place other that my phone or my computer.  I post selfies to facebook because I like the way I view myself, and come on, isn’t that something we all struggle with?  For years I have faught with low self esteem, especially when it came to my weight and my looks.  So when there is a day that even though I am not at my goal weight, haven’t had my hair profecionally done, etc and still feel beautiful, I celebrate that with myself.  I love myself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.  In fact, I believe most people don’t love themselves enough, so then why when we are trying to reclaim the love we need to have, would you label and trash us “selfie takers?”

Now do we need selfies of you in your gym bathroom all over Facebook? Who am I to judge? Maybe that is the motivation that person needs: to look at themselves to see what they accomplish; to then inspire them to do it again tomorrow. The selfie is a great way to find new ways of expressing ourselves and loving ourselves.  I guess I pose this question and welcome all comments: If you are a selfie hater, what is it that make you so against them?

 

Breakups are hard

I was planning on just relaxing on the couch and watching a show with my person time this evening, but felt impressed to write and share on my blog why I am once again single.  It has come to my attention that after being single for six weeks or so, most people are in fact unaware of this fact, which is fine, but tonight I feel I need to share my story.

                As you know, my divorce was devastating for me as the love of my life told me he no longer loved me and then to add insult to injure, had been unfaithful with an ex from high school whom he admitted he had always loved.  Despite things in our relationship being more than difficult, and even abusive, I stayed, hoping my love for him could change the situation.  Reality crushed me as I adapted to being a single mom to an infant and a toddler.  It wasn’t long after this that an old friend of mine reached out.  Feeling impressed, I began sharing with him what makes me, me: the gospel of my church.  I have to admit I was surprised when he agreed with and accepted my truths as his truths and in this very special sharing of myself I developed a stronger connection with this friend, Matt.

                Although I had known Matt for six years and had talked on and off for that period, there were still gaps in our lives that we did not know of each other.  We spent every night on the phone for hours and this friendship turned into something more, and to be very honest, into a sort of fantasy for me as I faced the reality of what being a single mom really was.  I kept many of my dreams to myself, but I dreamed that Matt would join the church, move to Colorado and then sweep me off my feet in a new romance that would end in marriage.  What a blessing it would be to come out of such a difficult marriage, to then fall into the arms of the one I was really supposed to be with. 

                Well surprisingly, many aspects of that dream came true.  Matt did join the church, he did move out here, and he did fall in love with me.  Yet, despite this being my dream, I was hesitant, afraid and still very broken.  When he kissed me, it wasn’t the familiar kiss of my ex husband that I had been receiving for the last nine years.  I quickly became aware of the difference in background we had as we were raised very differently and our life experiences has taken us in different places.  I wanted so bad to have my dream, but was a little scared to commit to it.  However scared or indecisive I was though, Matt was not.  He made it clear what it was he found attractive in me.  He was kind, patient, devoted, and loving.  He was not timid at all in making advances, and no matter how many times I pushed him away out of disbelief, fear or concern, he was always there.  There was not the same burning romance I had once experienced for my ex husband, which gave me doubts, but he was good to me and to the children and slowly I felt my heart begin to open.

                Having grown up in the west, having had exposure to many cultures and education I admit I found Matt to at times be very rough around the edges as for the most part he grew up with no religion in a small town in a rough area.  Although I knew this is where he came from, I hoped that his immersion into school, church and Colorado life would smooth out some of those edges.  Our relationship grew and just as my children became more attached, so did I. When he kissed me it was no longer awkward, or a comparison to kisses from my past; instead, I got the fluttering butterflies of excitement.  When he looked into my eyes I could see the desire.  I could see the love and I loved the way he loved me.  The way he held my face in his hand with the other arm wrapped round me, I was finally safe. 

                Matt and I began to have more and more spats and we quickly learned that our styles in communicating were very different as were our love languages, which led to a lot of these misunderstandings.  However, no matter how many quarrels we had, we always managed to work them out.  We always expressed our respect and love for one another and often times we felt stronger after such occurrences rather than weaker.  We even began talking of marriage and the plausibility of what life together would look like.  My dream was coming true and we dreamed our dreams together, actively trying to make it real.  Unfortunately, there was something in the back of my mind constantly nagging at me.  Although I loved Matt, I knew we were having to work really hard at maintain a relationship and while I didn’t mind working at love, as all relationships are work, I started going over our connection with a fine tooth comb.  The more I reviewed, the more I saw the same arguments and issues coming up again and again.  I began being fearful that these small fights were masks to a big issue that might just never change and I began to see the disappointment and unhappiness I had in fact been feeling and suppressing.  Yet the fact remained: I loved Matt. He would be a great husband and a great father, so couldn’t we make this work? Matt believed so and we split up to focus on ourselves with the intent of not relying on each other and furthering ourselves for ourselves. Sadly, this didn’t last very long as all that occupied my thoughts, heart, and mind was him. 

                We got back together knowing now where our weaknesses as a couple lie. We had now been together for so long and a lover that started out as a seed really had grown to be something that was beautiful and something I cherished, which meant it was worth fighting for.  Over the nine months we had been together I had been healed.  I no longer missed or longed for the love of my ex.  I no longer held to memories of the past when I had been loved. I no longer needed that as I had a great man right in front of me offering me just that.  I no longer heard the years of worth of critic nagging at my insides, telling me I wasn’t enough, or that there was something wrong with me. Matt, with his love, had picked me up off the floor of despair and negativity, holding me until I could stand on my own two feet, seeing that I was worth loving and I did in fact have a lot to offer.  Matt showed me that it was okay to be loved, to love and to be in love.  His patience and amazed me and many would have walked away after the  second or third time I would lose it, shut down and push away.  Matt, loving me, and knowing me and my defense mechanisms remained steadfast even after the hundredth time of such an occurrence.  Matt knew me.  He knew my kids and I wanted so badly to be a family.  I saw Matt and all the potential he has, knowing he can be everything I want and need in a husband, but the reality of the situation was this: he just wasn’t there yet.

                As some of you know, my mother got her masters in psychology; specifically child development and family relations. So soon after my divorce she had my compile a list of my three non-negotiables.  These are the three things I NEED in a relationship.  If someone can’t meet these three needs then I needed to move on. The predicament was this: Matt, coming from a situation so different, joining the church so recently, and being in a lifestyle that was completely new to him I knew would require time and adjustment.  As I stated, Matt had the potential and I believed with all my heart all he needed was time, especially as he seemed so perfect in so many ways.  I know I am not always easy to love.  I am strong willed, controlling, goal oriented and expectant.  Yet, despite these qualities that send most men running, it was something that Matt saw and loved and I needed his love. But, when th time kept on passing and situations didn’t change, my fears were no longer a quiet voice in the back of my mind; they were a loud cautionary siren.  Matt and I talked over and over about these fears and again and agin I laid out my three needs:

1.       A man who can financially provide for me and my children so that I can be the stay at home mother I love and need to be.

2.       I needed a man who loved me for who I was, yet who could and would always encourage me to be more; helping me reach goals to better myself

3.       Although last on the list, but most important: I needed a man who was a worthy priesthood holding, temple recommended man who was a spiritual equal to me. Meaning, someone who veraciously partook of the scriptures daily the way I do. Someone who magnifies their priesthood and their callings. Someone who attends the temple regularly and would take me there as well.

I am not looking for Mr. Perfect.  I am looking for Mr. Perfect For Me and that means meeting the three things on this list. 

                One evening while watching TV with Matt something happened that caused me to get upset and a years worth of waiting in this list was recalled.  I truly felt as if my words were being guided as a realization fell over me.  While Matt has the potential to reach all of these things, the time was up.  I couldn’t put my life on hold anymore.  If I continued on in this relationship with Matt, I knew I wouldn’t be able to walk away, but I had to walk away or how could I really be happy if he wasn’t capable of meeting one or more of these needs.  My heart broke as I shared those feelings with him because here I was breaking up with a man I loved.  Matt promises he could be that man.  That he would be that man.  I wanted to believe him and secretly hoped he could.  Maybe time apart is what we needed.  Maybe this was who and what he was and he was still growing, but after investing a year, I knew I needed to at least start looking around again.  Six weeks have passed.  I am lonely and I still love and miss him. All along though, I felt confident with my choice.  Last night I felt impressed to drop by randomly at Matt’s house and was disappointed to see that in six weeks the only change made was a step backward. I understand loneliness, and depression, but it was a validation that maybe we were two people just on different levels of life and while there is nothing wrong with that, it does in fact make us incompatible. It is really hard because after my husband, he is the only other person I have loved and now once again I am trying to get over the heart break of being without him. 

                I am not sure why I felt I needed to share this as it is very personal, but if there is something I can add it is this: when I married the first time, I did not know my worth.  I was so happy to just be loved by someone that I accepted the love that was given, not even thinking to hold off or weigh it against my needs.  In the end, I sold myself short.  We were both unhappy as I felt he held me back and he felt I expected too much.  I am not saying to judge and look down on people, but know your worth.  Know yourself and what it is you need, even at the cost of your heart as I promise in the end I know you will be happier.  I love Matt, but I love myself and my relationship with the Lord.  I am not going to tie myself to anything other than my equal that we may work side by side in this life together to then work side by side in the hereafter at a matched paced to our Celestial glory.  Love isn’t always enough. Make your own list and like me, search for that happiness and if you are doing al that is right, you will find it and will be blessed for it.

Keep me in your prayers and if you feel impressed to introduce me to someone let me know, lol as a single mom looking for someone who is LDS and single I am finding it pretty impossible to meet anyone.

 

Happy Mother's Day

Last Mother’s Day I know I came off a little bitter about the big hubbub people make about mothers, but only on one day.  Yet, almost every other day, society belittles the role of a mother, whether she stays at home or whether she works.  Constant criticism is found on how children are raised, what is right and how many are ”bad mothers” for allowing certain foods, electronics, and other trivial and personal choices.  With this criticism rampant and having been newly divorced, I was struggling to find what it meant for me to be a mother.  The year prior my then husband admitted I was less desirable once I became a mom; then having him leave me for another woman left me doubting all aspects of myself.  I wasn’t sure I could be both a mom and a dad, even com Mother’s Day when I had been doing it for a while.  I felt that while giving all I had, I was still falling short and the idea of failing my kids killed me inside. Then Mother’s Day rolled around and My children then one and three could not validate me as a mother or the fears I held deep within my heart.  Yet, all around me people congratulated mothers for being mothers and I felt inadequate and honestly out of place as I felt my situation was so different from the friends and families surrounding me.  Why could someone say Happy Mother’s Day or comment that I was a good mom, when for the last year I struggled to find my footing to be a single mom.  Where were those encouraging words when I needed them most and how trite their praises sounded when said only because of a day.  Needless to say, I was not in a good place and I was in fact bitter, although I hadn’t admitted that to myself yet.

This year however, I find myself in a very different place and am pleased to share that this year my heart is full and I see the joy of Mother’s Day. I could go into a lot of detail about the incidents in my life that influenced some of what changed of heart, but let me be terse by saying that my son offered a personal prayer, undirected, simply talking to his friend, his God he thanked the Lord for his mommy in a long four minute monologue that brought tears of joy to my eyes because my son recognized the deep love I had for him, and in return shared the love he had for me in his gratitude to the Lord.  Then, only a day later a friend sweetly brought me a corsage to celebrate my role as mother that I could wear it to church proudly knowing that when this friend thought of Mother’s Day, he thought of me.  While these things are important and very touching, this is not what has changed my heart.  What truly change my heart was recognizing my role as mother and understanding exactly what that was.

For me, I needed to go to the very basics: what as a mother am I expected to do? However, this was the wrong question to ask as I was quickly overwhelmed with the list that flooded my mind: doctor, cook, nurturer, therapist, nanny, playmate, discipliner, educator, accountant, and as you know the list goes on and on and on and on. Taking a step back, I asked a different question: What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? This question was the question I needed. Yes, we are expected to meet all the physical and emotional needs of our children, but most importantly, what am I doing to nourish their spirits? How can I go back to my Father and account for the precious souls he put in my care.  Having asked this question, I saw the areas I needed to improve upon.  I needed to be more diligent about reading scriptures with my children every night so that they know mom loves them and Jesus loves them.  By doing this, it gave my little family a reason to huddle together on the floor each and every night to partake in one another’s company as we read and learned together.  I also taught my children to have their own personal prayers rather that just saying a family prayer on my own before tucking them in bed.  In doing this I have taught my children their importance and individuality.  I have taught them how to recognize and ne grateful for things in order for them to share that with their Lord.  I also became more diligent about holding a Family Home Evening where I taught my children a story from the scriptures, while providing an activity to help them remember the lesson.  Once again this has given our family the opportunity to spend quality time with one another while teaching my children the importance of sitting and listening to a lesson and them learning for themselves they have the ability to speak up and contribute their thoughts and feeling as well.  While I was trying to meet their spiritual needs, their others needs were being met.  I have confidence in what I am doing as a mother, knowing I am preparing my children the best way I can.  I am teaching them to love, think and act. 

“You are a link in the chains of generations…It is a status, an office. Just as is the crown, and not merely the will to rule, that makes the king.” (Bethge, Eberhard).  Being a mother is a calling from God.  We have been chosen and set apart to co-create and brink into this world life to care for, nourish, raise, and then let go of. What a sacred privilege.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and frankly,  put out with all the tasks we are expected and needed to perform, but I have found that when I go back to the question What does God need me to do to take care of the spirit that he put in my care? I am confident in my role.  I can’t help but recall the story of the two thousand stripling warriors:

 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it (Alma 56:47-48).

They had been taught by their mothers that these youth, these teenage boys feared not for their lives, but were more concerned for the liberty and safety of their fathers, knowing in their heart that God would deliver them because their mothers had taught them so!

Two thousand stripling warriors, young men of power and might

Responded to the battle cry; O who will stand and fight?

Behold, our God is with us!  We serve at His command. 

They did not fear to give their lives but boldly took a stand.

 

This willing band of brothers were by their mothers taught

To trust in God continually, be true in deed and thought.

For God would then protect them; their faith He would reward.

They did not doubt their mothers knew; they trusted in the Lord (Murray, Bonnie).

These mothers prepared their sons.  Yes they fed and clothed them, meeting their physical needs, but more importantly they taught these boys how to be men by showing them and teaching them the Love of the Lord. What type of mother is that? Strong, valiant, intelligent, just to name a few, but we too can be all those things when we rely on the Lord to guide us as we magnify the calling of Mother.  We have been told time and time again that the last days are here:

But behold, in the last days, even now while the Lord is beginning to bring forth the word, and the blade is springing up and is yet tender—

Behold, verily I say unto you, the angels are crying unto the Lord day and night, who are ready and waiting to be sent forth to reap down the fields;

But the Lord saith unto them, pluck not up the tares while the blade is yet tender (for verily your faith is weak), lest you destroy the wheat also.

Therefore, let the wheat and the tares grow together until the harvest is fully ripe; then ye shall first gather out the wheat from among the tares, and after the gathering of the wheat, behold and lo, the tares are bound in bundles, and the field remaineth to be burned (D&C 86:4-7).

Sixty one years after this revelation was given, president Wilford Wodruff declared that the Lord has release those destroying angels and they were then upon the earth separating the tares from the wheat in preparation for the burning that would soon take place:

“God has held the angels of destruction for many years, lest they should reap down the wheat with the tares. But I want you to tell you now, that those angels have left the portals of heaven, and they stand over this people and this nation now, and are hovering over the earth waiting to pour out the judgments. And from this very day they shall be poured out. Calamities and troubles are increasing in the earth, and there is a meaning to these things. Remember this, and reflect upon these matters.”

So what does this have to do with motherhood? We are in a similar position as those mothers of the two thousand stripling warriors.  Just as they had to prepare their young children to be ready to go off and fight in a war, so do we. Morality, Integrity and other virtues that used to be a staple in our communities are not only disappearing, but mocked. Every day we face temptations we have to fight against and the world is getting scary.  We are sending our children out to be on the front lines to fight against Satan and prepare for the return of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

This reality terrifies me.  How can I ever prepare my sweet little children to be ready to fight such a battle?  I know for a fact it is not something I can do on my own.  And even if I had a husband, I would still be incapable of preparing them properly.  While I am the instrument and intercessory, it is the Lord and his spirit and power that helps me prepare these children as I take care of them as he would.  This reality brings such divinity to my role as mother and I am ashamed for being so flustered and out of place last year when the simple truth of what I am and what a mother is lies in what my Lord would do.  How blessed I am to have the title of mother.  It is no easy job and I am eternally grateful to my mother who gave me such a good example of what a mother is supposed to be. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for trusting me to take care of his special, precious spirit children and I am grateful for his trust and belief in me, even when I fail to see it.  So this Mother’s Day I walk with confidence in knowing who I am and confidence in knowing that I am in fact doing all I can. So let me proudly say to you, to me, and to all Mothers out there: Happy Mother’s Day!