Sigh

I know it has been a while since I have posted any sort of update on us.  I guess I have been avoiding all the emotions that have been surging through my body lately.  Sigh.  I am listening to my Christina Perri CD and feeling reflective.  The last month has been very difficult.  As of right now, me and the hubby are at odds with one another.  You see the last three years my husband has served in the United States Army.  I wasn’t thrilled to join the ranks of Army wife, but the decision felt like the right one for us and I have been so proud of my husband and his companions in the armed forces.  However, the last three years have been more than just a struggle.  My husband’s basic and AIT took a year (and yes this was a year separated).  Then we were reunited for a sweet three months before my husband was deployed to Afghanistan (which was just enough time to get me pregnant).  So here he was deployed and I am living in a new town by myself, knowing no one when I am start going into pre-term labor.  At only six months pregnant I was put on bed rest.  At seven and a half months I got the call every Army wife dreads…my husband had been severely wounded.  The SGT who called talked of him being flown to Germany for surgery and once there they would fly me out to join him…except that because of my condition I couldn’t even leave my apartment for much more than the bare necessities.  The stress and worry for my husband thousands of miles away broke my heart, because we were both stranded, desperate and apart.  Josh’s injuries were miraculously contained and luckily fixed in country, which meant despite it all he was returning to active duty.  I raised our child for the first six months alone.  When my husband did return he carried not only the physical scar of his injury but the emotional ones he sometime still refuses to deal with.  He has finally been home with us for almost a year now and his re-enlistment window has opened up.  When he had gotten home from deployment we had both agreed that getting out of the military would be the best option for us, but suddenly his decision has changed.  He wants to stay in and I want to get out.  I don’t even know how I was strong enough to do the first enlistment, so how can I do a second?  Not to mention if he re-enlists he has to do AIT all over again and we will get a new duty station once again resulting in a deployment, oh and did I mention I am pregnant again :) ?  I don’t want to be a single mom to two.  I hope we can find a better compromise than what we have but for now, Lord give me strength because I am depleted.

Chapter Six: Trying To Quit My Drug

Disclaimer:  Of course I would not be putting anything in here if my husband was not ok with me sharing this.  I asked him and he simply replied, "Sadly, that is who I used to be.  I regret it, but I am not ashamed of it because it has led us to where we are and I am who I am because of it"  I can't wait for later in the story when you can really see why my husband is one of a kind :)

School was going well and Josh and I were doing great.  I didn’t believe anything could rock our relationship now that he was trying so hard to be the man I needed, to be the man he needed.  I guess that’s why it surprised me so much when I got a call from Dan.  My relationship with Dan seemed like a year ago when in reality it had only been a couple of months and I felt guilty for not even thinking of him the last couple of months.  After all he was over in Iraq, wasn’t I supposed to be here pining for him?  It was so wonderful to hear his voice again and to know that he was safe and sound.  He told me a little about his station and duty and I filled him in on my rekindled relationship with Josh.  I could tell he was disappointed but he never stated such.  He did however admit that he had been putting off calling me.  I was confused and asked why he would do that.  He said that although he wanted nothing more than to marry me, the thought of it scared him.  In High School I had talked of seriousness without really meaning it though and he thought I had been doing the same sort of thing.  He said once he realized how real my feeling were he wasn’t sure if he was serious about his feelings.  He was scared to get hurt and wanted to make sure I really wanted to be with him.  He said he had a minor injury that had made him rethink everything and he regretted leaving me the way he did.  He said he wished he would have married me that summer, laying claim to me and proving to me that he was all I needed in my life.  He wished he could take it back, telling me he wanted to be with me, but acknowledged my feelings and my relationship with Josh.  He promised he would continue to call me and that he would like to maintain our friendship.  I was glad he was understanding of my situation and nice enough to not push anything, but I think he knew just as well as I did that he couldn’t compete while he was over in Iraq.  Not that the distance mattered much.  My heart had already chosen who it would love and unfortunately for Dan, he was not it.

I related my conversation to Josh and he did not hide his smugness at having triumphed over Dan.  I didn’t mind this though; it was nice that he was happy to have won my affection.  This conversation led to another one as we talked about my past relationships.  Many he already knew about.  I was pretty sure I knew about all of his, but I asked anyway.  I know Josh had not shared in the same virtues of a celibate life until marriage and wasn’t too surprised with his past.  However, I was surprised when he reached the last name.  I didn’t know about a Danielle.  When did he sleep with a Danielle?  Josh continued on about her and how he had told me about her before.  She was the one he had gotten in trouble with.  I still wasn’t sure what that meant and made him explain.  Danielle was a sixteen year old girl who had been all over him.  Josh was nineteen at the time and although he knew it was illegal to date due to the age difference he still went ahead and did it.  The night they had gotten in trouble was due to him pulling off on the side of the road so they could mess around and get high.  The police officer searched the car and charged him for possession but he was never charged with fraternization with a minor.  Josh explained that it was this situation that woke him up and made him realize he could have spent years in jail and that was not a life he wanted to live.  I asked when he had slept with her and found that they had been intimate not even a week after he returned to Florida after having visited me.  Without even realizing it he broke my heart again.  I had given so much of myself to him that trip and I felt a connection stronger than any other we had experienced before.  How then could he then have sex with someone else not even a week later?  Was I not good enough?  Was it because I wouldn’t have sex with him? I tried to understand that he was a different person then, but all I felt was pain and betrayal as I thought of it.  I knew I had dated Dan during the summer, but t hat was only after he abandoned me.  He tried to explain that he did so many things he regretted and that was number one on his list because it didn’t mean anything.  At the time it was self fulfillment and self fulfillment only.  This explanation didn’t make me feel any better.  In fact I felt worse knowing he had used and abused my feelings and Danielle’s.  Did I even really know this boy?  He had such a colorful past that I often times couldn’t comprehend.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around his reasoning and stopped questioning him on it.  I think for him, he thought that was the end of it, but for me, it ate me up. 

Although we continued to date, I was trying to pull away.  After all how could I be with someone so different?  I didn’t want to abandon him while he was sobering up because I knew how much he was relying on me but I did start planning on a way to end the relationship.  I knew I still had a trip to visit him coming up and started making mental plans on how I would break up with him then, face to face.  I knew Josh didn’t have to tell me about his experiences with Danielle but chose to anyway so that I would know everything and I admired him for that, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with someone who had so much experience.  After all, my chastity and virtue was sacred and I wanted to save it for my husband only.  How can he really appreciate that when he has taken such a gift from several girls?  Not only that, but I knew he was still struggling everyday with the temptation of smoking and drinking, things that for him would very quickly lead to other stuff.  Plus, they were unhealthy habits and addictions in and of themselves that needed to be gotten over.  I knew he would always struggle with these addictions and I wasn’t sure I knew how to handle that.  Although my heart still craved him, mentally and logically I couldn’t come up with reasons as to why he was worth my parent’s continual disapproval and my continued broken hearts.

Although we still talked every night, I began going to more functions and started meeting new people.  It wasn’t long before guys started to show interest in me.  Russell was a twenty eight year old psychology major who asked me out the first time he met me.  I was excited that an older man was interested in dating a twenty year old like me.  I wasn’t exactly attracted to him, but he was a fun person to hang around with so I agreed to hang out casually.  I told Russell all about Josh and the issues I was having.  How I longed to be with Josh, but how I knew I should try and let him go.  Russell understood the fragile predicament I was in and was quick to suggest I let him go.  He started giving me flowers and holding my hand, trying to convince me he could be what Josh had been.  Although I valued my friendship with Russell I knew that was all it would ever be to me and I made sure to let him know.  However, he still believed that after I broke up with Josh, he would have a chance.  I knew he was nervous and excited for my trip to Idaho and in all truth, I was too.

My semester began winding down and finals were coming up, which meant my trip was too.  I tried to convince myself that I was better off without Josh and that I was not responsible for him.  The hard part about that was that I too was so dependent on him.  Josh knew everything about me, he was even aware of my new friendship with Russell.  No one had ever been able to connect with me on the same level and no one had ever looked in my eyes and seen as much as Josh had.  I wasn’t sure I would ever find anyone to take his place and began to doubt whether or not I should give him up.  Despite everything, he was still my very best friend.  All of this caused drama in my heart and mind as my mind fought against my heart.  In the end though, I knew what I was worth and what I deserved.  I deserved a man who wanted me and only me.  I deserved a man who could take care of himself and when married would be able to take care of me.  I needed a man who was religious and who could put the Lord first in their life, just as I had.  I needed a man who was a hard worker and who appreciated the value of my gifts and talents and I needed a man who was completely understanding and flexible when it came to dealing with my back pain.  Although Josh did fit many of these, he didn’t fit them all and I was getting tired of waiting because I may wait myself out of a perfect opportunity.  I had made up my mind.  I was going to break up with Josh.  Although I knew it would cause us both pain, it just seemed like it was the right thing to do and I was resolved to do it.

My parents knew I was headed to Idaho, but they didn’t know I would be staying with Josh and his family.  Ironically Josh’s family moved within half an hour of my old school, so my parents thought I was headed to visit old friends and roommates, which I planned on doing, just not right away.  Once again I am not sure why I felt the need to mask the truth from my parents.  I guess I already knew they wanted the best for me and I was aware that Josh wasn’t the best and I did not want to disappoint them. Plus it’s not exactly like I could explain my feeling to them when I couldn’t even explain them to myself.  As I reached the airport I realized this would be a new experience for me.  I now had four pounds of metal in my back and was curious if I would set of the metal detectors.  I had a card signed by my neurosurgeon stating that I had titanium in my back, so I figured if I did set it off, I would still be able to be on my way quickly.  I waited in the long lines and finally reached the metal detectors.  I went through and sounded the alarm.  The attendants asked if I had anything in my pockets and I explained my situation and showed them my card.  Unfortunately, they had to follow protocol and I was lead to a little cubical of glass where I was asked to sit and place my feet on the footprints below me.  I was not to move until someone checked me over.  I sat anxious, wondering what they were going to do to me.  I was glad I had left hours early and became depressed and agitated as I waited.  Finally an attendant stepped into my glass cubical and asked me to stand raising my arms parallel with the floor.  I felt like a terrorist as she went over my body with a felt tipped wand, checking to make sure there was nothing I could bring the plane down with.  I could see other passengers looking at me through the glass and I felt like a fish in a tank, humiliated and embarrassed.  I tried to explain why I set of the metal detector but the female attendant just grunted and continued her search until finally she deemed me safe to join the other passengers.  I quickly made my way to my terminal avoiding all eye contact in case someone gave me a look that might look like judgment.  I made it to my terminal and patiently waited for my flight.

  I flew out of the Denver International Airport and caught a layover flight in Salt Lake City.  I arrived at the Idaho Falls airport at about nine in the evening.  The small airport was much easier to navigate through that the large Denver airport I was used to.  With only two baggage claim areas it was easy to locate my bag.  I had to ride an escalator down to pickup and was expecting a bit of a wait as I searched for Josh’s car.  Josh however, had parked and was at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me.  I almost didn’t recognize him with his fairly large goatee and old baggy winter jacket.  His hair wasn’t long, but it wasn’t short either and still curled around his face.  The construction job had changed him, toning his muscles and thickening him out.  As soon as he caught my face in the small crowd he beamed.  I was happy to see him, but my resolve had not changed and I wasn’t sure how I should greet him.  He did all the deciding for me as he strode swiftly to me and took me in his arms, picking me up off my feet and pressing me against his body.  He put me down and kissed my cheek, taking my hand and leading me to the car.  I withdrew my hand from his, making them busy by grabbing my bags.  I felt torn because I wanted to jump up in his arms and kiss him, while the other half of me was still pulling away, warning me and reminding me of the conclusion I had come to.

We climbed into his old 1990 blue Toyota Celica.  His car smelled of dirt and looking in the back seat I could tell why.  His work clothes, boots and hard hat lay in the back seat with takeout wrappers and old receipts.  The dusty interior matched the cluttered back, but yet it felt oddly comfortable and I slid into the low riding car.  We weren’t even out of the parking lot when he took my hand in his.  Curling his fingers tightly around mine as if to prove I was really there by his side.  I was tempted to pull my hand back again but I knew if I did, I would need to explain and I couldn’t dump him right as he picked me up from the airport. So I let him hold my hand, trying to imagine how the introductions would go.  Technically they weren’t introductions.  I had actually been really good friends with Josh’s older brother in High School and had met his parent’s before through Tim.  That had been a long time ago and I had never been Tim’s girlfriend, so I knew it would be different this time.  I wanted them to like me despite the fact that I still planned on breaking up with Josh.  My head swam on the short car ride to his house.  We didn’t talk much but I felt his eyes on me and could feel the smile on his face every time he looked at me and it broke my heart because I knew what was coming and he did not.

Josh pulled into the empty dive way and lead me up the front path to the door, opening it and announcing that we were home.  I heard a few shouts of hello, but was first greeted by Josh’s dad’s open arms.  He gave me a quick little hug and told me he was so happy to have me in his house.  He joked that he didn’t know what I saw in his son but he was glad I did because Josh was finally becoming the man he always knew he could be.  I then received a wave from his younger brother Jarom, another friend from High School and I was surprised how much like home it felt here.  Josh’s mom was in the kitchen and gave a curt hello while Josh’s youngest brother David ran up and gave me a hug.  I was then introduced to Jesse, kid number eight of ten.  Although a lot of the children had left the house, there were still four at home, including Josh.  I was shown to Jesse’s room, being reassured that his bed was the softest and therefore best for my back.  Both Josh and his parents were very aware and attentive as to the needs of my back and I think the reality of my injury hit Josh as he watched me take my jacket off, revealing my brace.  Although he had seen me in May, I didn’t want him to see me in my brace, so to him I had looked perfectly normal.  He watched as I took of the hard plastic brace that had for the most part become the exterior of my body.  I think in that moment I looked more fragile to him.  He sank to his knees at my feet and apologized for me having to go through everything.  Maybe the brace really affected him, or maybe he saw the pain in my eyes, but his prostrate apology touched me.  He took my hand and led me to the bathroom and I was confused.  I saw the twinkle in his eye and I then understood.  During our last conversation he had been talking about his facial hair and I told him I would not kiss him with that scratchy stuff all over his face.  I knew he enjoyed his facial hair and never really expected him to take it off, but while I stood in the doorway and watched as he applied shaving cream to his face, I realized how truthfully he had taken my comment.  Without any hesitation he began trimming and then shaving his face until it was smooth and clean.  I enjoyed how much his face opened up and it was if I could see more of him now.  He seemed more open and sincere and his eyes danced as they looked me over.  He came up close to me and asked if he could kiss me.  I was stunned and shocked and wasn’t sure how to reply.  I guess he took my awkward silence as the go ahead because before I knew it, he was leaning in and kissing me.  His lips curled and pressed against mine and I could smell the shaving cream on his skin.  His arms circled lightly around my back and before I realized it I was pressed up against him, dizzy and intoxicated in his kiss.  I finally came to my senses and pulled away, ending the long kiss.  He smiled and I smiled back.  For me that was a goodbye kiss, because it couldn’t be anything more.  I couldn’t be hurt again.  I was tired of so much pain.

The night had worn on and his parents came to say goodnight, reminding us of the morals they ran their household by and which they expected us to uphold.  Josh led me to my room, kissed my cheek and turned to return to his room.  I was surprised at his cordiality and the new sense of responsibility.  I recognized the change in him and realized this was the first time I had ever interacted with him sober and I liked the sober Josh.  No, this still couldn’t change my resolve.  I know the feelings he had for me now are real, but how can I ignore his past?  I mulled over these thoughts as I fell asleep.  The last thought of the night was not about my resolve to break up with him, it was a replay of our kiss.

Something had woke me up during the night, but I guess I had fallen back asleep right away because there was the bright glow from the sun filtering in through the blinds.  The sleepiness in my eyes made opening them difficult and I tried to figure out why the blankets were so tight around me.   The disorienting world of reality and sleep were playing tricks on me as I tried to remember where I was. It was when I heard his deep sleeping breaths that I realized where I was and that Josh had snuck into my room to be with me.  The tight blankets were in fact his warm strong arms draped over me.  His face was calm and serine as he slept.  The lines of worry and concern he carried during the day had fallen off his face at night and I was struck by how young Josh actually was.  Sometimes I forgot he was my age and not older, just because he had experienced so much more.  I rolled onto my stomach to watch his movements.  I had never seen him asleep before and somehow in the morning light he looked so different.  Like he had peeled a layer of his old self off and thrown it away.  He looked so sweet that my first instinct was a desire to cradle his head into my chest and hold him like I would a child.  I guess that’s the moment it hit me that we were in fact both children.  Yes, Josh had led a different life and made a lot of mistakes, but he was still just as young as me and probably just as lost in his own choices.  Laying here in his arms there were no walls or expectations.  We were us, individually and together and it felt good to be me with someone else.  I know that sounds silly and convoluted, but I felt like it was only in this moment, even while he was asleep that he totally understood me and I totally understood him.  It was also in this moment that I understood I would never be able to fully let Josh go.  If I were to end things now I would always wonder what we could have been and how we could have loved.  I didn’t want to risk my happiness for the past.  I was no longer going to hide my love for Josh, not from my family, not from my friends, and not from myself.  He never knew I was going to break up with him and I am glad he didn’t because the feelings we felt was the one thing I never wanted to be doubted.  Especially now that I realized how real they were for me.  I guess this trip would now be about how sincere his feelings were for me.  I gained an understanding that in the past I had been the warm body to hold onto when he was lonely.  I wondered what I was to him now and if he could ever feel for me what I felt for him.  I know in the last couple of months he had really started changing his habits, but also the way he viewed the things he interacted with and life in general.  Before he thought his goal and unavoidable demise was to die of drug overdose at a young age; lately, he began to understand what joys a hardworking day could bring.  I felt like I was more important to him now and I believed he did return the same feelings for me; I just needed him to prove that to me.

Although I was enjoying the moments in his arms I was very aware that we were breaking house rules and was afraid of being caught.  I started whispering his name in hopes of waking him up.  I giggled as he mumbled nonsense and squeezed me tighter.  I was tempted to let him sleep, but the nagging fear of being caught decided for me.  I nudged him this time and watched as his eyes fluttered opened.  He looked at me and a smile spread across his face, lighting up his eyes and his features.  He mumbled a good morning and rolled towards me, wrapping me further in his arms as he buried his lips against mine.  I had never woken up in such a fashion and I was really enjoying this.  To wake in someone’s arms knowing you were the last though on their mind and the first thought in the morning made me feel adored and reverenced, such feelings I had never believed would be felt for me.  When he finally rolled off me and I was able to catch my breath I voiced my worry of breaking his parent’s rules.  He chuckled.  My guess was because he blatantly disobeyed his parent’s rules most his childhood, rarely getting caught.  He watched me as I watched him, the smile spreading further, illuminating his face.  It was hard not to notice the sweet care free boy who slept had disappeared.  It was weird watching how quickly he seemed to change.  There were lines of worry on his face, despite the smile he wore.  You could feel a heaviness radiating off of him and I was concerned I had done something to upset him, making him put up this rough and tough defense.  I watched him yawn and sleepily answer me that his parents had left for work and his sibling had all left for school.  I thought he had to go to work as well because making plans earlier he didn’t think he could afford to take the time off.  Turns out it was a ruse to surprise me.  He stated that knowing I was so close would only make him reckless as he thought constantly about me.  His words were sweet, but I was still looking for an action to prove his love and care for me.

We got up and showered; him upstairs and me downstairs, as we prepared for the day.  We didn’t have anything planned; I never really needed to with him because we seemed to flow into activities and conversations effortlessly.  It was nice to have a counter balance to my planned organized life.  I enjoyed his spontaneity, although sometimes it did take a little bit of coaxing.  After Josh snapped a few random pictures of me we climbed into his car and started driving.  We ended up at the falls and I was excited to be here again.  I had actually traveled to this location many times my freshman year and had always enjoyed the beauty of the water flowing over the falls and into the river.  I think that it was so special because such an amazing sight lay in the middle of town.  We walked the park surrounding it, holding hands as we talked about his job and how I thought I had done on my finals.  Although we had always talked on the phone he had never been so open and vulnerable before as he shared every thought that entered his head and every emotion that entered his heart. 

We walked down to the water’s edge, taking off our shoes and soaking our feet in the cold running water.  We pointed out ducks and fish we saw and laughed as we stumbled around on the rocks.  It was a perfect day, for I had everything that mattered to me.  Watching Josh smile every time he looked at me sent chills down my back and a flush to my cheeks.  I could tell he was trying to get closer to me in every sense of the meaning and our holding hands quickly progressed to an arm around my back and whispers in my ear.  I realized how silly I had been to think I could give this up.  Josh had in fact changed and I understood he still had a lot further to go, but I liked the sober Josh.  Already there was a new openness and coherence I never noticed he lacked until he possessed such charms now.  If possible I was falling quicker for him now than I had at any other time previous.  He looked deeply into my face at every comment or smirk I made.  His hand was always in mine or against my back, or on my leg, so long as he had that constant physical contact.  I enjoyed it as he brushed his calloused fingers against my cheek so softly I could have mistaken them for the hands of a child.  He sent a new sense of burning desire through my body as he whispered sweet nothings in my ears and kissed my cheeks and neck.  Every time our lips connected it was if an electrical current coursed through my blood veins sending tingles and burning fire through every nook and cranny of my body.  It was fun to watch him because every so often, if even just for a moment, I saw the same boy I saw sleeping this morning and I felt proud knowing I helped bring that simple childlike innocence out.  It was so weird how when we were apart I saw us as angular, wanting desperately to fit together but poking each other with our sharp edges.  However, when we were together we were like the water we sat by, flowing into and with each other, a fluidity and ease I still cherished.

The day sped past too quickly and before I realized it Josh was talking about dinner plans.  We decided on Mexican and went to a quaint little place not far from where we were.  Through dinner we continued to chat and smile as we took each other in.  As silly as it sounds I even enjoyed watching him eat.  When we first started dating so long ago I think I had only seen him eat once in the three weeks we dated, and I know he didn’t eat when I wasn’t there.  He now shoveled forkful after forkful into his mouth and I was please to see the changes in him.  I knew Josh didn’t finish High School in Florida, despite the fact he was only a class away and with him working full time up here in Idaho he argued he didn’t have the time.  So instead we started talking about the necessity of getting his GED and maybe starting college.  Josh didn’t want to do college, but he was willing to get his GED. I always found it so funny how his strong dislike for school was the only thing holding him back.  Josh was incredibly intelligent and often times had to explain things to me and I felt I was pretty well informed and well educated.  I knew I still had two and a half years of college left and a lot to learn, but I felt myself intelligent and without him knowing it I was sometimes intimidated by how much of everything he seemed to know.  Our dinner also sped past too quickly and before I knew it we were headed home. 

When we returned home, I sat around with Josh and his family listening to stories of his childhood and the capers he had pulled off.  I enjoyed how Josh had no shame in showing affection in front of his family as he continued to pull me closer and closer, kissing my cheeks often.  I could feel the genuine love and acceptance Josh’s family had not only for him, but for me as well.  I think they were just as excited as I was to have the real Josh back.

Despite my wishes, time continued and it was time to pull ourselves away from each other so that we could go to bed.  Josh kissed me a long toe-curling kiss good night and headed off to bed.  As I entered my room I went over the day’s events and how surreal all of it seemed.  Once again he was in my heart and head and all my plans went crashing out of focus as I tried to picture a future with Josh.  As I was going over the day’s events I saw that I had missed a call.  Russell had called.  I guess it had been three days since I had seen him, but for me it was weeks ago.  I felt bad because I remembered I was supposed to have called him to give him an update and let him know everything was okay.  It was too late to call him now and honestly I didn’t want to talk to him.  I knew he too would try and talk me out of my relationship with Josh and I didn’t want to hear it.  From now on if someone had a problem with it then too bad.  I know what I want and I wasn’t exactly running into this.  After all I knew a lot about him and he knew a lot about me and I wanted to see what we could learn about each other as we continued together to make ourselves better people.  I had tried for a year to forget Josh and had been unsuccessful, why would it be any different now?

As I lie down in my bed I thought of the hugs and kisses I had woken up to and although I didn’t want to break the rules, I secretly wished for such an occurrence again.  My dreams were troubled that night as I fought off a darkness that was engulfing me.  I was jittery and panicked as I tried to outrun the growing cloud.  It was at this moment that I head the click of the door and the rustle of the bed sheets as Josh climbed in next to me, wrapping his long strong arms around me, pulling me in up against his body.  I melted into him as I felt him nuzzle his nose through my hair and against the back of my neck.  He asked if I was awake and when I replied I was he rolled me over and pulled me to him, pressing his warms lips to mine.  I don’t know what made that kiss any different, but it felt as if his lips were moving perfectly, touching every spot and massaging every sense as he communicated his feelings with me.  His kiss sent the blood boiling through my body and I felt alive and awakened in every touch, sight, smell, sound and taste.  My senses were alive and he seemed to know it as he moved his hand over my shoulder and into my hair, brushing the side of my face as he locked me in his kiss.  I was dazed and enchanted, wanting him to hear the flush growing on my cheeks.  However, we knew the rules and the limits and broke off the kiss, cuddling into each other for one of the most comfortable night sleep I had every received.  I felt Josh climb out of bed early in the morning kissing my cheek as he left.  I continued to sleep though and awoke to his knock on the door a couple of hours later.  He came in once again and joined me in bed as he had earlier explaining that he had left in case his parents had decided to check in on him.  Now that they were gone, he had no hesitation in starting where we had left off the night before.  He kissed me good morning, awakening my lethargic body with chills that rushed up and down my spine.  He laughed as he saw the goose bumps that ran up and down my exposed arms.  He kissed up and down my arms and my skin felt alive, wanting to jump off my body and dance as he rubbed his lips along its tender surface.  We sat in bed for hours, most the day actually, talking and kissing, just soaking each other in hoping, just hoping it would be enough to get us through until we saw each other again.

My trip sped past in a very similar manner and I was disappointed to wake, knowing this was my last day with him.  Although I woke in his arms, it made me miserable as I realized it would be a long time before I had this again.  My heart began to ache at the thought of having to leave, so I awoke in a somber gloomy mood.  Of course this only multiplied my amount of good morning kisses until we were giggling and curling into each other’s arms.  We both voiced our dread at the upcoming departure and our dislike for having to return to a long distance relationship.  We talked of the difficulties in it and both promised to be true to each other in every thought and action.  Josh promised me that there was no one else for him and that he wanted to become the man I needed.   He still wanted to marry me and although he admitted he never really was serious or thought it possible before, he did now and would do whatever it took to prove his love to me.  I smiled for this was exactly what I had been looking for and told him as much.  I shared all my concern I had, had before the trip and the struggles I knew we would continue to face apart, but I too vowed to love and cherish him because there was no one else who could ever take his place.  This seemed to be what he needed to hear too because he took me in his arms and held my heart up against his and we were both happy and content.

Josh, knowing I was a bit of a miser who never spent money on myself, decided to treat me to a nice lunch and a movie.  After the movie was over Josh and I again talked of wanting to stay together.  I laughingly joked that we should run away and elope so we could finally be together just as we had always wanted.  Josh agreed that that would be a great plan and started asking if I knew how to get to Vegas.  I laughed and said all I would need was a map.  He then talked about how we could then move in with his parents until we saved up enough to get an apartment.  I giggled again enjoying how into this he was getting.  I knew such a thing would never happen.  After all Josh and I had talked about marriage as a goal for a long time now, except that now it seemed like a goal we could actually reach.  Josh drove me home so that I could pick up my bags and put my brace back on for my trip home.  Josh wasn’t saying much and I assumed he was just upset I had to leave, but when we walked into my room he got down on one knee, grabbed my hands and said “Cherish Brynn Wheeler, I love you.  I have always loved you.  I can’t live another day without you in my life and by my side; will you make me the happiest man on earth by agreeing to marry me?” Needless to say I was stunned.  How could this be happening?  I had originally come here to break up and now he was on one knee, in all seriousness, proposing to me.  How could I tell him no as he looked up at me with a hopeful expression?  Of course I said yes.  He started grabbing my bags and talking excitedly about our trip to Vegas.  Now I was confused.  I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t been serious because I would love to marry him and I would marry him, but I wasn’t going to run off to Vegas.  I had school to finish and a family at home who at least deserved to know I was dating Josh again, let alone marrying him.  I knew this was his spontaneity kicked in high gear, but there was no way he could coax me into this.  I had other plans and goals that came before him.  Although he was number one in my life, I understood the necessity of finishing my degree and there were still some bumpy areas Josh and I needed to work through before I was willing to commit.  This was all going so fast and my head was spinning.  I tried to logically explain all the reasons we couldn’t afford to make such a decision right now and although Josh was disappointed I knew he knew I was right and respected my decision and my choice.  I knew he was willing to give his life to me because once Josh was serious about his love for me, I knew we were attached because nothing in the world could replace me just as nothing in the world could replace him.  We were in love and engaged…kind of.

Chapter Five: A New School; a New Start

I realized how fickle my feelings for Dan had been and although he was still more than a friend, he was less than a lover.  Our friendship had always been in a weird limbo.  We had always been so drawn to each other because we always knew what the other needed, but we argued constantly.  Although we had something special, it wasn’t special enough.  I still held to the thought of him and continued to wear his ring, waiting, always waiting for him to call.  He never did though and although I understood, I was still disappointed.   It was now six months after my accident and I had failed at love twice.  I tried not to let this bother me as I prepared to return to school.  I was excited and scared.  I had always enjoyed school but I had been out for a year, how could I get used to being in class all day again?  I was worried I wouldn’t be able to sit through classes due to pain and I was self conscious of the turtle shell I still wore.  On the other hand, I was excited to be out on my own again.  I knew it would be scary, but what better way to prove to myself and my family that I was healing than by moving out on my own.

The pain was slowly beginning to slacken and I had become much more adept at handling it.  Due to this, I had gotten much better at hiding the pain.  My parents thought I had a miraculous recovery; which I did, but I had not really overcome as much pain as I had led them on to believe.  Despite all of this we all agreed I was ready to start school again.

To make things easier on me I decided to live in the dorms.  This way I would get to know the campus and the people while every meal would be provided for me.  All of this sounded perfect and I was excited to see what my room would be like.

As can be imagined, I was horribly disappointed with the tiny dorm room.  At my previous college the dorm rooms were set up much like a two bedroom apartment.  This dorm room felt more like a hostel. My room (if you could even call it that) was a whopping ten feet by twelve feet.  Most of the room was taken up by two single beds placed on either side of the room and two worn desks shoved side by side against the back wall.  The desks looked centuries old and seemed sickly as they were up along a heater vent that ran twenty four hours of the day.  The flooring was an indoor/outdoor carpet placed over concrete.  I almost guarantee those dingy, spotted carpets had not been cleaned since they had been installed it in the sixties.

There were old large windows on the back wall up above each desk giving off the view of tree foliage pressed up against the panes.  Some light trickled in-between the leaves, slightly lighting the room.    Looking around I noticed the bed on the right hand side of the room already had a red and white floral comforter on it, so I took my hint and headed for the other side of the room.

I surprised myself as I found a spot for all the belongings I had brought.  I had managed to wedge my mini fridge in-between the brick wall and my desk.  I even managed to juggle and placed all my food on top of the fridge.  I set my computer and printer up next, creating a nice working space I knew I would use.  The hardest challenge was finding a place for all of my clothes.  I looked for a closet, but all I found was a large rust red cabinet with a couple of drawers.  Like a puzzle, piece by piece my room came together.  It wasn’t large, but it had become comfortable.  I especially loved my white down comforter’s contrast to the earth red brick wall.

I lie down on my bed, resting my sore back and imagined what classes would be like.  I felt like a freshman all over again as I start all over in a new place.  I didn’t know anyone and I wasn’t sure how campus life would be.  My previous college was a small private school in Idaho.  Colorado State University was a large public school.  What if I got lost?  What if I didn’t meet anyone I got along with?  Who would I eat meals with?  Such thoughts crashed against me and once again I felt utterly alone.  In truth, I was alone.  Yes, my parents were only an hour and a half drive away, but I felt I no longer had someone I could turn and complain to.  My parents expected positive behavior, so that’s what I gave them.

It wasn’t long before I met my roommate.  She was senior, working on a communication degree.  She only had a semester left and decided to move into the dorms rather than try and find a lease for so short a time.  We got along, but she had a group of church friends she hung out with regularly and although she was nice to invite me along it was often times awkward when they held a never ending religious discussion I rarely agreed with.  I did however meet a neighbor across the hall during a floor meeting involving safety procedures.  I was thrilled to find out that she too was an English major, which was a rarity for Allison Hall, the dorm was known for housing the engineering majors.

She was a thin fiery red head, who preferred her room to the outside activities.  I was shy by nature but her complimenting personality made it easy for us to connect.  I was excited to have found someone to eat with but also someone I could talk books with.  The more we talked, the more we found we had in common and shared many favorite authors.  Already a lot of my fear had been alleviated and I felt refreshed and strong as I began making a way for myself.  Classes began and I became excited about my major again as I amerced myself in what I loved best.  I started going to church and school activities and quickly began making friends.  I was excited that I was achieving my goals and that I had successfully made a new start for myself.  Although no one had filled Josh’s place I felt for the first time that I might be able to get over him.  Maybe Dan and I could make things work after all.  Maybe I would be able to meet someone who could give me everything I needed and more and maybe I could love them just as much as I had loved Josh.  Maybe my heart was healing.

I started getting a routine down; I would wake up early and shower in the communal bathroom.  I often woke up hours earlier than necessary just to avoid waiting in line for a shower.  I would then head downstairs for breakfast which more times than not was a bagel, a smoothie, and an apple.  I would then head to class for the day, stopping by whatever dorm I was closest to for lunch.  I would then come home and work on my homework and if time allowed I would head across the hall to my neighbor’s room to sit and talk about classes and what we were working on.  I didn’t lead a horribly exciting life, but it was everything I wanted and needed.  I was finally healing and this time I could actually see my progress.

I had now been in school for about two weeks and I was adjusting well.  I still wasn’t as outgoing as I wanted and I was still horribly self conscious, but I was happy and surviving.  It was about this time that Josh called me again.  I didn’t recognize the number so I answered it, but truthfully, had I known it was him I would have answered anyway.  As soon as I heard his voice my heart jumped but I tried to calm myself, not wanting to get excited or attached.  He told me how he had gotten himself in trouble and it was the wakeup call he needed.  He said he was headed to Idaho to live with his family again.  I asked him what sort of trouble he had gotten himself in.  He was vague in his answer but admitted to being fined and ticketed, but he was happy for that because he could have easily gone to jail.  I asked him why he wanted to go to Idaho.  He replied that if he stayed where he was at then he knew there was no coming back and he really did want to be a better person.  He said he felt so conflicted because there was a half in him that did want to be a grown responsible man who could take care of himself while the other half of him wanted to continue the life he lead with no concern for death.  He genuinely believed he could change as long as he had help.  He talked of how he missed me and was sorry he hadn’t called sooner.  I told him I had dated Dan and although I could tell he wasn’t happy about it, there was nothing he could say.  I told him I was waiting for Dan to come back, but we weren’t technically together.  He didn’t really respond to that and said he needed to go promising to call me soon.

I was so excited that he had called and more importantly that he wanted to change.  Although I was excited and willing to help in whatever way I could, I was not ready to trust my heart with him again.  For now we would be friends.  Even that sent chills through my body because I now had my best friend back.  If nothing else he was still the person that knew me best.  He seemed to understand some of the hurt he caused me and wanted to make it up to me.  I didn’t really trust him at all, but I did love him as a friend and would help him in any way I could.  I wasn’t really sure how soon it would be before he called me again, but I found myself hoping and waiting for his call.  I started wondering if I would allow myself to fall for him again and questioned again why I felt so compelled to be with him.  Not only that but josh’s call reminded me I had not heard from Dan since mid August and it was now mid September; he should have called me by now.  How was it that one simple call could turn my world upside down making me re-evaluate everything in my life? 

It was a week before I heard from him again and when I did I was surprised to find that he was already in Idaho.  He had called his parents and much like last time, they flew him home.  I asked him what his plans were now and he told me how he planned on getting a job.  He had already applied at a temp agency and was now just waiting for them to get him a job.  I was impressed at how quickly he was changing things in his life.  He told me he was quitting all drugs and smoking; he even wanted to quit drinking.  It was nice hearing the determination in his voice and also being able to recognize his own doubts.  We talked for hours filling each other in on the life we had been living and Josh once again expressed his regret at having not called me.  He tried to make up for it though by calling and e-mailing every day, just as we had after  the accident.

School somehow seemed more enjoyable as I looked forward to his call at the end of the day.  I got in the habit if writing him long notes in-between classes, sending them off about every other week.  Now that Josh took up most of my free time I didn’t go out as often, but I never felt like I was missing anything.  It was nice to have someone I could call and complain about the rough day I had which was only intensified by the back pain.  Josh was still very aware and attentive to my back pain and was always there if I needed him to just listen to me as I cried.  He was there when I complained about how difficult school now was for me.  I had always had to work hard for my good grades, but now I noticed the difficulty of it had increased as I struggled to remember things.  I had to work double time just to memorize simple facts or dates.  I was frustrated and scared I would always have this problem and Josh was the listening ear I needed.  He knew there was nothing he could do to fix it, so he listened and sympathized with each plight I faced.  Without even realizing it, I was letting him in deeper and deeper and before I knew it, he had my heart again.  I still wasn’t ready to date him again.  After all, we were living in different states and he still had a long way to go.  We did end each conversation with sentiments of love and I thought it was sweet of him to not push for a relationship.  He knew he had to prove himself and that is exactly what he was doing.  Through the temp agency he found a good job and was hired on as a construction worker, mostly building homes.  He enjoyed the physical labor and shared his troubles as he watched several around him doing the activities he was trying so hard to avoid.  We came up with solutions and support systems.  It was fun receiving his e-mails as he counted his days of sobriety.

School continued and I continued to study laboriously for my classes, attending classes except for the days my back was too sore.  I was relieved to find that all my teachers were not only understanding but also lenient.  I had bought a white jacket that easily hid my brace, so sitting in class wasn’t always as awkward.  It was a relief to find that teachers had no problem when I had to stand and stretch my muscles and I felt I was really gaining a new understanding for the subjects I took.  I still took part in a lot of outside activities, but my night routine was always the same.  As soon as nine o’clock rolled around and my cell phone had free minutes I would call Josh or he would call me.  It was now October and I was once again helplessly in love with him.

One night we had just finished going over our days when Josh said it was weird because to him it felt like we were a couple.  He admitted he didn’t date anyone and all the free time he had went towards talking to me.  I admitted it was the same for me.  Although we were not technically a couple I was totally faithful to him.  It was then that we decided to become an item again.  Although nothing changed but a title, I was ecstatic that I was his girl and he was my man.  I know, I know, really cheesy, but it felt so nice to belong to someone, to be loved and wanted by someone, but more importantly, to be loved and wanted by Josh.

I knew fully now I wanted to marry Josh.  I knew we were still nowhere close to that, but that was my goal, just like the original one we had set and I knew it was Josh’s goal as well.  I knew he still struggled with a lot of his addictions.  After all he had been smoking pot since the age of thirteen.  So I understood how difficult it was to pass people smoking and crave to have that fix again.  Although coming off my medications was nothing compared to the craving he faced, I was at least able to relate in that small way, trying to encourage and support him in every way that I could.  It was so hard living in different states.  Hearing his voice over the phone made me long for the touch of his encircling arms and the soft tenderness of each kiss.  I wanted so badly to be with him in his arms, breathing in his scent and memorizing his face.  He really had become my drug and I craved more and more of him.  I was jittery and agitated until I heard his calming voice.  I started going to fewer activities so I had more time to talk to him.  Although we lived so far apart he consumed my world and I knew I had to see him.  It was at this point that we decided it was time for me to visit Idaho.  I bought a ticket and would be out there in November.

Chapter Four: Summer of Love?

After Josh left I didn’t hear from him for a week.  That was a long week of wasted time waiting for him to call.  He had called my every night since the accident so I was frustrated and scarred as to why he didn’t call me.  When he did call again he sounded like a different person.  I asked him if I had done anything wrong.  He assured me I had not, but that things were busy and hectic for him.  His dad retired from the Air Force and had decided to move the family to Idaho.  Josh didn’t want to leave his friends so he talked of making plans to get an apartment with his buddy Bret.

I knew there was no point in trying to get him to go with his parent’s because he had already made up his mind. I asked him how he was doing with his habits and he admitted to me that he had been smoking larger quantities of weed.  I decided not to ask any more questions.  I knew Josh had the potential to clean himself up and that he would when he had a reason to.  I guess I just hopped I was reason enough.  That night though, I came to the realization that I was not. 

Mentally and emotionally it felt as if I was reliving the pain of the accident over again as I saw our worlds drift farther apart and so soon after I had decided not to give up on him.  I wasn’t sure what to do, so I figured I would leave it to him.  If he wanted me in his life he would show me.

I waited and waited.   It was another two weeks before he called again.  I think he was high when he called me because he sounded different.  He sounded slower and unfocused.  He never knew how that call broke my heart.  He never knew I got off the phone and cried for the loss of our love and the loss of our valuable relationship.  He didn’t know because at that point he didn’t care.  Josh had once again entered a world of drugs and when that happened all he could think about was himself and where he would get his next fix.

Of course I didn’t realize this right away.  However after so many nights of disappointment waiting for a phone to ring that never did, I decided to do what I had planned.  I was going to staple together my heart the same way my body had been stapled together.  I was going to overcome and live and love.  I just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.

At the beginning of July I was astonished to hear my mom announcing my long time High School friend at the door.  Dan and I had been really close in school.  We had several classes and off hours together.  In fact Dan and I dated on and off for our four years of High School.  That was also the unfortunate reason we had lost touch.  He accused me of breaking up his relationship with a girlfriend he had senior year and joined the Army reserves, neglecting to say goodbye.  I was hurt that our friendship had ended in such a way, so it was surreal to see him on my front door step.  He told me he had moved to Arkansas and had been in town to visit a friend when he learned of my accident.  He said there was no hesitation in his coming over.  He talked of how he wished he had known sooner and he was sorry for the way things had ended because nothing was worth throwing away our friendship.

It was comfortable as we sat on my parent’s brown fabric couch, surrounded by floral pillows, filling each other in on what we had missed.  Dan had been in the reserves now for a year and a half and had been trained as a military police officer.  He was scheduled to be deployed to Iraq at the end of the summer.  Although I enjoyed the conversation I was more excited about how he looked and the way he was acting towards me.  Since Dan had joined the Army he too had lost some weight and he kept complimenting me on my new slimmer figure.  Although his weight had changed he still had the same mischievous grin, talkative green eyes, short hair that curled at the ends and a thick muscular build.  I could tell he wanted to be with me as he sat close stringing together conversation with jokes and stories.  I felt wanted and I needed that now more than ever since I had basically been rejected by the boy I loved.  I told Dan of my relationship with Josh and he thought it comical that I had ended up with him for so long.  He too knew of Josh and his habits and had never gotten along with Josh.  More accurately Josh tormented Dan in High School just as much as he had tormented me, but for me that was a different person and a different life.

Dan admitted he was glad I was single because we had never had a relationship without High School drama or a relationship without other people getting involved.  He told me that I may have been with Josh, but I would end up with a person like him.  He said I needed someone who was clean, someone who had the same morals I did.  Although Dan and I were of different faiths, we still held to the belief of saving ourselves for marriage.  He told me I needed someone to take care of me, but still know when I needed my space.  He said I needed a man who valued family, work, and commitment.  He said I needed him and I believed him.  Everything he said I needed was everything I had been telling Josh I needed.

 I felt a little guilty at first because of the strong feeling I still held for Josh, but I figured Dan was right.  He did know what I needed, he always had.  Plus we had always gotten along so well together, I deserved to give this relationship a chance.  It wasn’t like we said we were boyfriend or girlfriend, but we spent every waking moment together.  He was a gentleman and was delicate with my healing body; as we went swimming and I felt drawn to him once again.  He took me to his friend’s house and introduced me to the family.  I felt so at home being in his arms.  Everything was going so well.  Then he kissed me.  It wasn’t a bad kiss; it just wasn’t a Josh kiss.  I was horrified that while kissing Dan all I was thinking about was Josh and what it would feel and be like if he was the one holding me.  I tried desperately to push Josh from my mind but he seemed to be in every touch, every smell, and every sound.  I tried to ignore it and wrote it off as just being so emotionally attached for so long.  Plus why should I feel feelings for him when he chose his drugs over me?  What does that say I am worth? I quickly came to the conclusion that I had a good man here with me; I should enjoy his company and see where this went.

Unfortunately, Dan was only in town for a couple of days.  Although he stayed two days past his original plan, he had to head home and return to work but he promised he would be out soon to visit me.  Although Josh no longer called me at nights, Dan did.  We mostly talked of religion.  I told him that I really wanted to marry someone of my faith because of what I believed and because that would be the only way our parents would accept marriage.  Not that I was planning for marriage, just sharing our values and belief with one another.  Dan was open to things although there were clearly some things he did not believe.  Sometimes he grew frustrated with me because I didn’t want to get too serious with him due to the religious reasons but that I had been willing to be so serious with Josh.  I tried to explain to him that although Josh didn’t live the teachings of the church, he was still a member and still believed them.  Meaning all he would have to do to marry me properly was to get rid of his addictions.  Often times our heated discussions became too much and one or the other of us would hang up the phone prematurely.  Despite this, as a couple we were doing well and made plans for him to come and visit again.

When Dan came back, once again we were inseparable.  My parents asked if we were dating and although I knew they liked him a lot better than Josh, I knew they would still not approve due to our religious differences.  I told them we were just friends, as we always had been.  However, we were not just friends.  I am not sure why I felt the need to deceive them, but to me it seemed easier this way.  He held and kissed me, making me feel wanted and alive again.  I still dealt with a lot of back pain but he was aware and compromising so as to make sure never to hurt me. We talked more and more about the future and the possibility of a lasting relationship.  This was all going so quickly, I wasn’t sure how to react or respond.  I wanted nothing more than to get married and start a family, but how could I do that when in my heart I knew I still loved Josh?  How could I do that when I knew my parents would object?  How could I do that knowing Dan was headed to Iraq?

We talked about all of these questions but still we talked more and more seriously about marriage.  It isn’t like he got down and proposed, but he did ask me if I would marry him.  I told him he was crazy.  He replied that I was too.  I asked how it would work and he offered the possibility of getting married before he left for Iraq that way the government would take care of me while he was gone.  I pointed out that his parents too would object to our marriage due to the same religious differences.  He said he didn’t care.  He told me that since the day he met me he wanted nothing else than to be with me.  How could I not melt at such words?  Although I knew he was serious about his feeling for me, I could tell his plans of marriage were not.  I think he was just scared to lose me.  We were not ready for marriage as a couple or as individuals.

Dan had to return home soon so he could prepare to be shipped out.  Before he left he gave me his military ring and asked if I would wear it.  He said he wouldn’t ask me to wait because it wasn’t fair.  He told me to date whomever I wanted, but to keep his ring safe.  He told me he would pick it up when he got back. I had a heart shaped pendant on a necklace so I put his large military ring on that so I could wear it next to my heart.  He kissed me one last time and told me that he was glad he had this time with me before he deployed.  It somehow made everything worthwhile.  I knew he wouldn’t be able to call much anymore and I would miss those phone calls, but I was proud of who he was and what he was doing.  It was tragically romantic to watch him leave through my tear stained eyes, but in my heart I still had not learned to love Dan the way I had loved Josh.  I was starting to worry I would never get over Josh.  We hadn’t seen each other for two months and hadn’t talked for one.  How then could I still pine for him?  Why did I think of him when I lie awake late at night?  As I watched Dan pull away I was glad he wasn’t serious about marriage because it was then that I realized I didn’t want to marry anyone except Josh because he was still the only person who knew how to talk to my soul.