Chapter Five: A New School; a New Start

I realized how fickle my feelings for Dan had been and although he was still more than a friend, he was less than a lover.  Our friendship had always been in a weird limbo.  We had always been so drawn to each other because we always knew what the other needed, but we argued constantly.  Although we had something special, it wasn’t special enough.  I still held to the thought of him and continued to wear his ring, waiting, always waiting for him to call.  He never did though and although I understood, I was still disappointed.   It was now six months after my accident and I had failed at love twice.  I tried not to let this bother me as I prepared to return to school.  I was excited and scared.  I had always enjoyed school but I had been out for a year, how could I get used to being in class all day again?  I was worried I wouldn’t be able to sit through classes due to pain and I was self conscious of the turtle shell I still wore.  On the other hand, I was excited to be out on my own again.  I knew it would be scary, but what better way to prove to myself and my family that I was healing than by moving out on my own.

The pain was slowly beginning to slacken and I had become much more adept at handling it.  Due to this, I had gotten much better at hiding the pain.  My parents thought I had a miraculous recovery; which I did, but I had not really overcome as much pain as I had led them on to believe.  Despite all of this we all agreed I was ready to start school again.

To make things easier on me I decided to live in the dorms.  This way I would get to know the campus and the people while every meal would be provided for me.  All of this sounded perfect and I was excited to see what my room would be like.

As can be imagined, I was horribly disappointed with the tiny dorm room.  At my previous college the dorm rooms were set up much like a two bedroom apartment.  This dorm room felt more like a hostel. My room (if you could even call it that) was a whopping ten feet by twelve feet.  Most of the room was taken up by two single beds placed on either side of the room and two worn desks shoved side by side against the back wall.  The desks looked centuries old and seemed sickly as they were up along a heater vent that ran twenty four hours of the day.  The flooring was an indoor/outdoor carpet placed over concrete.  I almost guarantee those dingy, spotted carpets had not been cleaned since they had been installed it in the sixties.

There were old large windows on the back wall up above each desk giving off the view of tree foliage pressed up against the panes.  Some light trickled in-between the leaves, slightly lighting the room.    Looking around I noticed the bed on the right hand side of the room already had a red and white floral comforter on it, so I took my hint and headed for the other side of the room.

I surprised myself as I found a spot for all the belongings I had brought.  I had managed to wedge my mini fridge in-between the brick wall and my desk.  I even managed to juggle and placed all my food on top of the fridge.  I set my computer and printer up next, creating a nice working space I knew I would use.  The hardest challenge was finding a place for all of my clothes.  I looked for a closet, but all I found was a large rust red cabinet with a couple of drawers.  Like a puzzle, piece by piece my room came together.  It wasn’t large, but it had become comfortable.  I especially loved my white down comforter’s contrast to the earth red brick wall.

I lie down on my bed, resting my sore back and imagined what classes would be like.  I felt like a freshman all over again as I start all over in a new place.  I didn’t know anyone and I wasn’t sure how campus life would be.  My previous college was a small private school in Idaho.  Colorado State University was a large public school.  What if I got lost?  What if I didn’t meet anyone I got along with?  Who would I eat meals with?  Such thoughts crashed against me and once again I felt utterly alone.  In truth, I was alone.  Yes, my parents were only an hour and a half drive away, but I felt I no longer had someone I could turn and complain to.  My parents expected positive behavior, so that’s what I gave them.

It wasn’t long before I met my roommate.  She was senior, working on a communication degree.  She only had a semester left and decided to move into the dorms rather than try and find a lease for so short a time.  We got along, but she had a group of church friends she hung out with regularly and although she was nice to invite me along it was often times awkward when they held a never ending religious discussion I rarely agreed with.  I did however meet a neighbor across the hall during a floor meeting involving safety procedures.  I was thrilled to find out that she too was an English major, which was a rarity for Allison Hall, the dorm was known for housing the engineering majors.

She was a thin fiery red head, who preferred her room to the outside activities.  I was shy by nature but her complimenting personality made it easy for us to connect.  I was excited to have found someone to eat with but also someone I could talk books with.  The more we talked, the more we found we had in common and shared many favorite authors.  Already a lot of my fear had been alleviated and I felt refreshed and strong as I began making a way for myself.  Classes began and I became excited about my major again as I amerced myself in what I loved best.  I started going to church and school activities and quickly began making friends.  I was excited that I was achieving my goals and that I had successfully made a new start for myself.  Although no one had filled Josh’s place I felt for the first time that I might be able to get over him.  Maybe Dan and I could make things work after all.  Maybe I would be able to meet someone who could give me everything I needed and more and maybe I could love them just as much as I had loved Josh.  Maybe my heart was healing.

I started getting a routine down; I would wake up early and shower in the communal bathroom.  I often woke up hours earlier than necessary just to avoid waiting in line for a shower.  I would then head downstairs for breakfast which more times than not was a bagel, a smoothie, and an apple.  I would then head to class for the day, stopping by whatever dorm I was closest to for lunch.  I would then come home and work on my homework and if time allowed I would head across the hall to my neighbor’s room to sit and talk about classes and what we were working on.  I didn’t lead a horribly exciting life, but it was everything I wanted and needed.  I was finally healing and this time I could actually see my progress.

I had now been in school for about two weeks and I was adjusting well.  I still wasn’t as outgoing as I wanted and I was still horribly self conscious, but I was happy and surviving.  It was about this time that Josh called me again.  I didn’t recognize the number so I answered it, but truthfully, had I known it was him I would have answered anyway.  As soon as I heard his voice my heart jumped but I tried to calm myself, not wanting to get excited or attached.  He told me how he had gotten himself in trouble and it was the wakeup call he needed.  He said he was headed to Idaho to live with his family again.  I asked him what sort of trouble he had gotten himself in.  He was vague in his answer but admitted to being fined and ticketed, but he was happy for that because he could have easily gone to jail.  I asked him why he wanted to go to Idaho.  He replied that if he stayed where he was at then he knew there was no coming back and he really did want to be a better person.  He said he felt so conflicted because there was a half in him that did want to be a grown responsible man who could take care of himself while the other half of him wanted to continue the life he lead with no concern for death.  He genuinely believed he could change as long as he had help.  He talked of how he missed me and was sorry he hadn’t called sooner.  I told him I had dated Dan and although I could tell he wasn’t happy about it, there was nothing he could say.  I told him I was waiting for Dan to come back, but we weren’t technically together.  He didn’t really respond to that and said he needed to go promising to call me soon.

I was so excited that he had called and more importantly that he wanted to change.  Although I was excited and willing to help in whatever way I could, I was not ready to trust my heart with him again.  For now we would be friends.  Even that sent chills through my body because I now had my best friend back.  If nothing else he was still the person that knew me best.  He seemed to understand some of the hurt he caused me and wanted to make it up to me.  I didn’t really trust him at all, but I did love him as a friend and would help him in any way I could.  I wasn’t really sure how soon it would be before he called me again, but I found myself hoping and waiting for his call.  I started wondering if I would allow myself to fall for him again and questioned again why I felt so compelled to be with him.  Not only that but josh’s call reminded me I had not heard from Dan since mid August and it was now mid September; he should have called me by now.  How was it that one simple call could turn my world upside down making me re-evaluate everything in my life? 

It was a week before I heard from him again and when I did I was surprised to find that he was already in Idaho.  He had called his parents and much like last time, they flew him home.  I asked him what his plans were now and he told me how he planned on getting a job.  He had already applied at a temp agency and was now just waiting for them to get him a job.  I was impressed at how quickly he was changing things in his life.  He told me he was quitting all drugs and smoking; he even wanted to quit drinking.  It was nice hearing the determination in his voice and also being able to recognize his own doubts.  We talked for hours filling each other in on the life we had been living and Josh once again expressed his regret at having not called me.  He tried to make up for it though by calling and e-mailing every day, just as we had after  the accident.

School somehow seemed more enjoyable as I looked forward to his call at the end of the day.  I got in the habit if writing him long notes in-between classes, sending them off about every other week.  Now that Josh took up most of my free time I didn’t go out as often, but I never felt like I was missing anything.  It was nice to have someone I could call and complain about the rough day I had which was only intensified by the back pain.  Josh was still very aware and attentive to my back pain and was always there if I needed him to just listen to me as I cried.  He was there when I complained about how difficult school now was for me.  I had always had to work hard for my good grades, but now I noticed the difficulty of it had increased as I struggled to remember things.  I had to work double time just to memorize simple facts or dates.  I was frustrated and scared I would always have this problem and Josh was the listening ear I needed.  He knew there was nothing he could do to fix it, so he listened and sympathized with each plight I faced.  Without even realizing it, I was letting him in deeper and deeper and before I knew it, he had my heart again.  I still wasn’t ready to date him again.  After all, we were living in different states and he still had a long way to go.  We did end each conversation with sentiments of love and I thought it was sweet of him to not push for a relationship.  He knew he had to prove himself and that is exactly what he was doing.  Through the temp agency he found a good job and was hired on as a construction worker, mostly building homes.  He enjoyed the physical labor and shared his troubles as he watched several around him doing the activities he was trying so hard to avoid.  We came up with solutions and support systems.  It was fun receiving his e-mails as he counted his days of sobriety.

School continued and I continued to study laboriously for my classes, attending classes except for the days my back was too sore.  I was relieved to find that all my teachers were not only understanding but also lenient.  I had bought a white jacket that easily hid my brace, so sitting in class wasn’t always as awkward.  It was a relief to find that teachers had no problem when I had to stand and stretch my muscles and I felt I was really gaining a new understanding for the subjects I took.  I still took part in a lot of outside activities, but my night routine was always the same.  As soon as nine o’clock rolled around and my cell phone had free minutes I would call Josh or he would call me.  It was now October and I was once again helplessly in love with him.

One night we had just finished going over our days when Josh said it was weird because to him it felt like we were a couple.  He admitted he didn’t date anyone and all the free time he had went towards talking to me.  I admitted it was the same for me.  Although we were not technically a couple I was totally faithful to him.  It was then that we decided to become an item again.  Although nothing changed but a title, I was ecstatic that I was his girl and he was my man.  I know, I know, really cheesy, but it felt so nice to belong to someone, to be loved and wanted by someone, but more importantly, to be loved and wanted by Josh.

I knew fully now I wanted to marry Josh.  I knew we were still nowhere close to that, but that was my goal, just like the original one we had set and I knew it was Josh’s goal as well.  I knew he still struggled with a lot of his addictions.  After all he had been smoking pot since the age of thirteen.  So I understood how difficult it was to pass people smoking and crave to have that fix again.  Although coming off my medications was nothing compared to the craving he faced, I was at least able to relate in that small way, trying to encourage and support him in every way that I could.  It was so hard living in different states.  Hearing his voice over the phone made me long for the touch of his encircling arms and the soft tenderness of each kiss.  I wanted so badly to be with him in his arms, breathing in his scent and memorizing his face.  He really had become my drug and I craved more and more of him.  I was jittery and agitated until I heard his calming voice.  I started going to fewer activities so I had more time to talk to him.  Although we lived so far apart he consumed my world and I knew I had to see him.  It was at this point that we decided it was time for me to visit Idaho.  I bought a ticket and would be out there in November.