School was going well and Josh and I were doing great. I didn’t believe anything could rock our relationship now that he was trying so hard to be the man I needed, to be the man he needed. I guess that’s why it surprised me so much when I got a call from Dan. My relationship with Dan seemed like a year ago when in reality it had only been a couple of months and I felt guilty for not even thinking of him the last couple of months. After all he was over in Iraq, wasn’t I supposed to be here pining for him? It was so wonderful to hear his voice again and to know that he was safe and sound. He told me a little about his station and duty and I filled him in on my rekindled relationship with Josh. I could tell he was disappointed but he never stated such. He did however admit that he had been putting off calling me. I was confused and asked why he would do that. He said that although he wanted nothing more than to marry me, the thought of it scared him. In High School I had talked of seriousness without really meaning it though and he thought I had been doing the same sort of thing. He said once he realized how real my feeling were he wasn’t sure if he was serious about his feelings. He was scared to get hurt and wanted to make sure I really wanted to be with him. He said he had a minor injury that had made him rethink everything and he regretted leaving me the way he did. He said he wished he would have married me that summer, laying claim to me and proving to me that he was all I needed in my life. He wished he could take it back, telling me he wanted to be with me, but acknowledged my feelings and my relationship with Josh. He promised he would continue to call me and that he would like to maintain our friendship. I was glad he was understanding of my situation and nice enough to not push anything, but I think he knew just as well as I did that he couldn’t compete while he was over in Iraq. Not that the distance mattered much. My heart had already chosen who it would love and unfortunately for Dan, he was not it.
I related my conversation to Josh and he did not hide his smugness at having triumphed over Dan. I didn’t mind this though; it was nice that he was happy to have won my affection. This conversation led to another one as we talked about my past relationships. Many he already knew about. I was pretty sure I knew about all of his, but I asked anyway. I know Josh had not shared in the same virtues of a celibate life until marriage and wasn’t too surprised with his past. However, I was surprised when he reached the last name. I didn’t know about a Danielle. When did he sleep with a Danielle? Josh continued on about her and how he had told me about her before. She was the one he had gotten in trouble with. I still wasn’t sure what that meant and made him explain. Danielle was a sixteen year old girl who had been all over him. Josh was nineteen at the time and although he knew it was illegal to date due to the age difference he still went ahead and did it. The night they had gotten in trouble was due to him pulling off on the side of the road so they could mess around and get high. The police officer searched the car and charged him for possession but he was never charged with fraternization with a minor. Josh explained that it was this situation that woke him up and made him realize he could have spent years in jail and that was not a life he wanted to live. I asked when he had slept with her and found that they had been intimate not even a week after he returned to Florida after having visited me. Without even realizing it he broke my heart again. I had given so much of myself to him that trip and I felt a connection stronger than any other we had experienced before. How then could he then have sex with someone else not even a week later? Was I not good enough? Was it because I wouldn’t have sex with him? I tried to understand that he was a different person then, but all I felt was pain and betrayal as I thought of it. I knew I had dated Dan during the summer, but t hat was only after he abandoned me. He tried to explain that he did so many things he regretted and that was number one on his list because it didn’t mean anything. At the time it was self fulfillment and self fulfillment only. This explanation didn’t make me feel any better. In fact I felt worse knowing he had used and abused my feelings and Danielle’s. Did I even really know this boy? He had such a colorful past that I often times couldn’t comprehend. I couldn’t wrap my mind around his reasoning and stopped questioning him on it. I think for him, he thought that was the end of it, but for me, it ate me up.
Although we continued to date, I was trying to pull away. After all how could I be with someone so different? I didn’t want to abandon him while he was sobering up because I knew how much he was relying on me but I did start planning on a way to end the relationship. I knew I still had a trip to visit him coming up and started making mental plans on how I would break up with him then, face to face. I knew Josh didn’t have to tell me about his experiences with Danielle but chose to anyway so that I would know everything and I admired him for that, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with someone who had so much experience. After all, my chastity and virtue was sacred and I wanted to save it for my husband only. How can he really appreciate that when he has taken such a gift from several girls? Not only that, but I knew he was still struggling everyday with the temptation of smoking and drinking, things that for him would very quickly lead to other stuff. Plus, they were unhealthy habits and addictions in and of themselves that needed to be gotten over. I knew he would always struggle with these addictions and I wasn’t sure I knew how to handle that. Although my heart still craved him, mentally and logically I couldn’t come up with reasons as to why he was worth my parent’s continual disapproval and my continued broken hearts.
Although we still talked every night, I began going to more functions and started meeting new people. It wasn’t long before guys started to show interest in me. Russell was a twenty eight year old psychology major who asked me out the first time he met me. I was excited that an older man was interested in dating a twenty year old like me. I wasn’t exactly attracted to him, but he was a fun person to hang around with so I agreed to hang out casually. I told Russell all about Josh and the issues I was having. How I longed to be with Josh, but how I knew I should try and let him go. Russell understood the fragile predicament I was in and was quick to suggest I let him go. He started giving me flowers and holding my hand, trying to convince me he could be what Josh had been. Although I valued my friendship with Russell I knew that was all it would ever be to me and I made sure to let him know. However, he still believed that after I broke up with Josh, he would have a chance. I knew he was nervous and excited for my trip to Idaho and in all truth, I was too.
My semester began winding down and finals were coming up, which meant my trip was too. I tried to convince myself that I was better off without Josh and that I was not responsible for him. The hard part about that was that I too was so dependent on him. Josh knew everything about me, he was even aware of my new friendship with Russell. No one had ever been able to connect with me on the same level and no one had ever looked in my eyes and seen as much as Josh had. I wasn’t sure I would ever find anyone to take his place and began to doubt whether or not I should give him up. Despite everything, he was still my very best friend. All of this caused drama in my heart and mind as my mind fought against my heart. In the end though, I knew what I was worth and what I deserved. I deserved a man who wanted me and only me. I deserved a man who could take care of himself and when married would be able to take care of me. I needed a man who was religious and who could put the Lord first in their life, just as I had. I needed a man who was a hard worker and who appreciated the value of my gifts and talents and I needed a man who was completely understanding and flexible when it came to dealing with my back pain. Although Josh did fit many of these, he didn’t fit them all and I was getting tired of waiting because I may wait myself out of a perfect opportunity. I had made up my mind. I was going to break up with Josh. Although I knew it would cause us both pain, it just seemed like it was the right thing to do and I was resolved to do it.
My parents knew I was headed to Idaho, but they didn’t know I would be staying with Josh and his family. Ironically Josh’s family moved within half an hour of my old school, so my parents thought I was headed to visit old friends and roommates, which I planned on doing, just not right away. Once again I am not sure why I felt the need to mask the truth from my parents. I guess I already knew they wanted the best for me and I was aware that Josh wasn’t the best and I did not want to disappoint them. Plus it’s not exactly like I could explain my feeling to them when I couldn’t even explain them to myself. As I reached the airport I realized this would be a new experience for me. I now had four pounds of metal in my back and was curious if I would set of the metal detectors. I had a card signed by my neurosurgeon stating that I had titanium in my back, so I figured if I did set it off, I would still be able to be on my way quickly. I waited in the long lines and finally reached the metal detectors. I went through and sounded the alarm. The attendants asked if I had anything in my pockets and I explained my situation and showed them my card. Unfortunately, they had to follow protocol and I was lead to a little cubical of glass where I was asked to sit and place my feet on the footprints below me. I was not to move until someone checked me over. I sat anxious, wondering what they were going to do to me. I was glad I had left hours early and became depressed and agitated as I waited. Finally an attendant stepped into my glass cubical and asked me to stand raising my arms parallel with the floor. I felt like a terrorist as she went over my body with a felt tipped wand, checking to make sure there was nothing I could bring the plane down with. I could see other passengers looking at me through the glass and I felt like a fish in a tank, humiliated and embarrassed. I tried to explain why I set of the metal detector but the female attendant just grunted and continued her search until finally she deemed me safe to join the other passengers. I quickly made my way to my terminal avoiding all eye contact in case someone gave me a look that might look like judgment. I made it to my terminal and patiently waited for my flight.
I flew out of the Denver International Airport and caught a layover flight in Salt Lake City. I arrived at the Idaho Falls airport at about nine in the evening. The small airport was much easier to navigate through that the large Denver airport I was used to. With only two baggage claim areas it was easy to locate my bag. I had to ride an escalator down to pickup and was expecting a bit of a wait as I searched for Josh’s car. Josh however, had parked and was at the bottom of the escalator waiting for me. I almost didn’t recognize him with his fairly large goatee and old baggy winter jacket. His hair wasn’t long, but it wasn’t short either and still curled around his face. The construction job had changed him, toning his muscles and thickening him out. As soon as he caught my face in the small crowd he beamed. I was happy to see him, but my resolve had not changed and I wasn’t sure how I should greet him. He did all the deciding for me as he strode swiftly to me and took me in his arms, picking me up off my feet and pressing me against his body. He put me down and kissed my cheek, taking my hand and leading me to the car. I withdrew my hand from his, making them busy by grabbing my bags. I felt torn because I wanted to jump up in his arms and kiss him, while the other half of me was still pulling away, warning me and reminding me of the conclusion I had come to.
We climbed into his old 1990 blue Toyota Celica. His car smelled of dirt and looking in the back seat I could tell why. His work clothes, boots and hard hat lay in the back seat with takeout wrappers and old receipts. The dusty interior matched the cluttered back, but yet it felt oddly comfortable and I slid into the low riding car. We weren’t even out of the parking lot when he took my hand in his. Curling his fingers tightly around mine as if to prove I was really there by his side. I was tempted to pull my hand back again but I knew if I did, I would need to explain and I couldn’t dump him right as he picked me up from the airport. So I let him hold my hand, trying to imagine how the introductions would go. Technically they weren’t introductions. I had actually been really good friends with Josh’s older brother in High School and had met his parent’s before through Tim. That had been a long time ago and I had never been Tim’s girlfriend, so I knew it would be different this time. I wanted them to like me despite the fact that I still planned on breaking up with Josh. My head swam on the short car ride to his house. We didn’t talk much but I felt his eyes on me and could feel the smile on his face every time he looked at me and it broke my heart because I knew what was coming and he did not.
Josh pulled into the empty dive way and lead me up the front path to the door, opening it and announcing that we were home. I heard a few shouts of hello, but was first greeted by Josh’s dad’s open arms. He gave me a quick little hug and told me he was so happy to have me in his house. He joked that he didn’t know what I saw in his son but he was glad I did because Josh was finally becoming the man he always knew he could be. I then received a wave from his younger brother Jarom, another friend from High School and I was surprised how much like home it felt here. Josh’s mom was in the kitchen and gave a curt hello while Josh’s youngest brother David ran up and gave me a hug. I was then introduced to Jesse, kid number eight of ten. Although a lot of the children had left the house, there were still four at home, including Josh. I was shown to Jesse’s room, being reassured that his bed was the softest and therefore best for my back. Both Josh and his parents were very aware and attentive as to the needs of my back and I think the reality of my injury hit Josh as he watched me take my jacket off, revealing my brace. Although he had seen me in May, I didn’t want him to see me in my brace, so to him I had looked perfectly normal. He watched as I took of the hard plastic brace that had for the most part become the exterior of my body. I think in that moment I looked more fragile to him. He sank to his knees at my feet and apologized for me having to go through everything. Maybe the brace really affected him, or maybe he saw the pain in my eyes, but his prostrate apology touched me. He took my hand and led me to the bathroom and I was confused. I saw the twinkle in his eye and I then understood. During our last conversation he had been talking about his facial hair and I told him I would not kiss him with that scratchy stuff all over his face. I knew he enjoyed his facial hair and never really expected him to take it off, but while I stood in the doorway and watched as he applied shaving cream to his face, I realized how truthfully he had taken my comment. Without any hesitation he began trimming and then shaving his face until it was smooth and clean. I enjoyed how much his face opened up and it was if I could see more of him now. He seemed more open and sincere and his eyes danced as they looked me over. He came up close to me and asked if he could kiss me. I was stunned and shocked and wasn’t sure how to reply. I guess he took my awkward silence as the go ahead because before I knew it, he was leaning in and kissing me. His lips curled and pressed against mine and I could smell the shaving cream on his skin. His arms circled lightly around my back and before I realized it I was pressed up against him, dizzy and intoxicated in his kiss. I finally came to my senses and pulled away, ending the long kiss. He smiled and I smiled back. For me that was a goodbye kiss, because it couldn’t be anything more. I couldn’t be hurt again. I was tired of so much pain.
The night had worn on and his parents came to say goodnight, reminding us of the morals they ran their household by and which they expected us to uphold. Josh led me to my room, kissed my cheek and turned to return to his room. I was surprised at his cordiality and the new sense of responsibility. I recognized the change in him and realized this was the first time I had ever interacted with him sober and I liked the sober Josh. No, this still couldn’t change my resolve. I know the feelings he had for me now are real, but how can I ignore his past? I mulled over these thoughts as I fell asleep. The last thought of the night was not about my resolve to break up with him, it was a replay of our kiss.
Something had woke me up during the night, but I guess I had fallen back asleep right away because there was the bright glow from the sun filtering in through the blinds. The sleepiness in my eyes made opening them difficult and I tried to figure out why the blankets were so tight around me. The disorienting world of reality and sleep were playing tricks on me as I tried to remember where I was. It was when I heard his deep sleeping breaths that I realized where I was and that Josh had snuck into my room to be with me. The tight blankets were in fact his warm strong arms draped over me. His face was calm and serine as he slept. The lines of worry and concern he carried during the day had fallen off his face at night and I was struck by how young Josh actually was. Sometimes I forgot he was my age and not older, just because he had experienced so much more. I rolled onto my stomach to watch his movements. I had never seen him asleep before and somehow in the morning light he looked so different. Like he had peeled a layer of his old self off and thrown it away. He looked so sweet that my first instinct was a desire to cradle his head into my chest and hold him like I would a child. I guess that’s the moment it hit me that we were in fact both children. Yes, Josh had led a different life and made a lot of mistakes, but he was still just as young as me and probably just as lost in his own choices. Laying here in his arms there were no walls or expectations. We were us, individually and together and it felt good to be me with someone else. I know that sounds silly and convoluted, but I felt like it was only in this moment, even while he was asleep that he totally understood me and I totally understood him. It was also in this moment that I understood I would never be able to fully let Josh go. If I were to end things now I would always wonder what we could have been and how we could have loved. I didn’t want to risk my happiness for the past. I was no longer going to hide my love for Josh, not from my family, not from my friends, and not from myself. He never knew I was going to break up with him and I am glad he didn’t because the feelings we felt was the one thing I never wanted to be doubted. Especially now that I realized how real they were for me. I guess this trip would now be about how sincere his feelings were for me. I gained an understanding that in the past I had been the warm body to hold onto when he was lonely. I wondered what I was to him now and if he could ever feel for me what I felt for him. I know in the last couple of months he had really started changing his habits, but also the way he viewed the things he interacted with and life in general. Before he thought his goal and unavoidable demise was to die of drug overdose at a young age; lately, he began to understand what joys a hardworking day could bring. I felt like I was more important to him now and I believed he did return the same feelings for me; I just needed him to prove that to me.
Although I was enjoying the moments in his arms I was very aware that we were breaking house rules and was afraid of being caught. I started whispering his name in hopes of waking him up. I giggled as he mumbled nonsense and squeezed me tighter. I was tempted to let him sleep, but the nagging fear of being caught decided for me. I nudged him this time and watched as his eyes fluttered opened. He looked at me and a smile spread across his face, lighting up his eyes and his features. He mumbled a good morning and rolled towards me, wrapping me further in his arms as he buried his lips against mine. I had never woken up in such a fashion and I was really enjoying this. To wake in someone’s arms knowing you were the last though on their mind and the first thought in the morning made me feel adored and reverenced, such feelings I had never believed would be felt for me. When he finally rolled off me and I was able to catch my breath I voiced my worry of breaking his parent’s rules. He chuckled. My guess was because he blatantly disobeyed his parent’s rules most his childhood, rarely getting caught. He watched me as I watched him, the smile spreading further, illuminating his face. It was hard not to notice the sweet care free boy who slept had disappeared. It was weird watching how quickly he seemed to change. There were lines of worry on his face, despite the smile he wore. You could feel a heaviness radiating off of him and I was concerned I had done something to upset him, making him put up this rough and tough defense. I watched him yawn and sleepily answer me that his parents had left for work and his sibling had all left for school. I thought he had to go to work as well because making plans earlier he didn’t think he could afford to take the time off. Turns out it was a ruse to surprise me. He stated that knowing I was so close would only make him reckless as he thought constantly about me. His words were sweet, but I was still looking for an action to prove his love and care for me.
We got up and showered; him upstairs and me downstairs, as we prepared for the day. We didn’t have anything planned; I never really needed to with him because we seemed to flow into activities and conversations effortlessly. It was nice to have a counter balance to my planned organized life. I enjoyed his spontaneity, although sometimes it did take a little bit of coaxing. After Josh snapped a few random pictures of me we climbed into his car and started driving. We ended up at the falls and I was excited to be here again. I had actually traveled to this location many times my freshman year and had always enjoyed the beauty of the water flowing over the falls and into the river. I think that it was so special because such an amazing sight lay in the middle of town. We walked the park surrounding it, holding hands as we talked about his job and how I thought I had done on my finals. Although we had always talked on the phone he had never been so open and vulnerable before as he shared every thought that entered his head and every emotion that entered his heart.
We walked down to the water’s edge, taking off our shoes and soaking our feet in the cold running water. We pointed out ducks and fish we saw and laughed as we stumbled around on the rocks. It was a perfect day, for I had everything that mattered to me. Watching Josh smile every time he looked at me sent chills down my back and a flush to my cheeks. I could tell he was trying to get closer to me in every sense of the meaning and our holding hands quickly progressed to an arm around my back and whispers in my ear. I realized how silly I had been to think I could give this up. Josh had in fact changed and I understood he still had a lot further to go, but I liked the sober Josh. Already there was a new openness and coherence I never noticed he lacked until he possessed such charms now. If possible I was falling quicker for him now than I had at any other time previous. He looked deeply into my face at every comment or smirk I made. His hand was always in mine or against my back, or on my leg, so long as he had that constant physical contact. I enjoyed it as he brushed his calloused fingers against my cheek so softly I could have mistaken them for the hands of a child. He sent a new sense of burning desire through my body as he whispered sweet nothings in my ears and kissed my cheeks and neck. Every time our lips connected it was if an electrical current coursed through my blood veins sending tingles and burning fire through every nook and cranny of my body. It was fun to watch him because every so often, if even just for a moment, I saw the same boy I saw sleeping this morning and I felt proud knowing I helped bring that simple childlike innocence out. It was so weird how when we were apart I saw us as angular, wanting desperately to fit together but poking each other with our sharp edges. However, when we were together we were like the water we sat by, flowing into and with each other, a fluidity and ease I still cherished.
The day sped past too quickly and before I realized it Josh was talking about dinner plans. We decided on Mexican and went to a quaint little place not far from where we were. Through dinner we continued to chat and smile as we took each other in. As silly as it sounds I even enjoyed watching him eat. When we first started dating so long ago I think I had only seen him eat once in the three weeks we dated, and I know he didn’t eat when I wasn’t there. He now shoveled forkful after forkful into his mouth and I was please to see the changes in him. I knew Josh didn’t finish High School in Florida, despite the fact he was only a class away and with him working full time up here in Idaho he argued he didn’t have the time. So instead we started talking about the necessity of getting his GED and maybe starting college. Josh didn’t want to do college, but he was willing to get his GED. I always found it so funny how his strong dislike for school was the only thing holding him back. Josh was incredibly intelligent and often times had to explain things to me and I felt I was pretty well informed and well educated. I knew I still had two and a half years of college left and a lot to learn, but I felt myself intelligent and without him knowing it I was sometimes intimidated by how much of everything he seemed to know. Our dinner also sped past too quickly and before I knew it we were headed home.
When we returned home, I sat around with Josh and his family listening to stories of his childhood and the capers he had pulled off. I enjoyed how Josh had no shame in showing affection in front of his family as he continued to pull me closer and closer, kissing my cheeks often. I could feel the genuine love and acceptance Josh’s family had not only for him, but for me as well. I think they were just as excited as I was to have the real Josh back.
Despite my wishes, time continued and it was time to pull ourselves away from each other so that we could go to bed. Josh kissed me a long toe-curling kiss good night and headed off to bed. As I entered my room I went over the day’s events and how surreal all of it seemed. Once again he was in my heart and head and all my plans went crashing out of focus as I tried to picture a future with Josh. As I was going over the day’s events I saw that I had missed a call. Russell had called. I guess it had been three days since I had seen him, but for me it was weeks ago. I felt bad because I remembered I was supposed to have called him to give him an update and let him know everything was okay. It was too late to call him now and honestly I didn’t want to talk to him. I knew he too would try and talk me out of my relationship with Josh and I didn’t want to hear it. From now on if someone had a problem with it then too bad. I know what I want and I wasn’t exactly running into this. After all I knew a lot about him and he knew a lot about me and I wanted to see what we could learn about each other as we continued together to make ourselves better people. I had tried for a year to forget Josh and had been unsuccessful, why would it be any different now?
As I lie down in my bed I thought of the hugs and kisses I had woken up to and although I didn’t want to break the rules, I secretly wished for such an occurrence again. My dreams were troubled that night as I fought off a darkness that was engulfing me. I was jittery and panicked as I tried to outrun the growing cloud. It was at this moment that I head the click of the door and the rustle of the bed sheets as Josh climbed in next to me, wrapping his long strong arms around me, pulling me in up against his body. I melted into him as I felt him nuzzle his nose through my hair and against the back of my neck. He asked if I was awake and when I replied I was he rolled me over and pulled me to him, pressing his warms lips to mine. I don’t know what made that kiss any different, but it felt as if his lips were moving perfectly, touching every spot and massaging every sense as he communicated his feelings with me. His kiss sent the blood boiling through my body and I felt alive and awakened in every touch, sight, smell, sound and taste. My senses were alive and he seemed to know it as he moved his hand over my shoulder and into my hair, brushing the side of my face as he locked me in his kiss. I was dazed and enchanted, wanting him to hear the flush growing on my cheeks. However, we knew the rules and the limits and broke off the kiss, cuddling into each other for one of the most comfortable night sleep I had every received. I felt Josh climb out of bed early in the morning kissing my cheek as he left. I continued to sleep though and awoke to his knock on the door a couple of hours later. He came in once again and joined me in bed as he had earlier explaining that he had left in case his parents had decided to check in on him. Now that they were gone, he had no hesitation in starting where we had left off the night before. He kissed me good morning, awakening my lethargic body with chills that rushed up and down my spine. He laughed as he saw the goose bumps that ran up and down my exposed arms. He kissed up and down my arms and my skin felt alive, wanting to jump off my body and dance as he rubbed his lips along its tender surface. We sat in bed for hours, most the day actually, talking and kissing, just soaking each other in hoping, just hoping it would be enough to get us through until we saw each other again.
My trip sped past in a very similar manner and I was disappointed to wake, knowing this was my last day with him. Although I woke in his arms, it made me miserable as I realized it would be a long time before I had this again. My heart began to ache at the thought of having to leave, so I awoke in a somber gloomy mood. Of course this only multiplied my amount of good morning kisses until we were giggling and curling into each other’s arms. We both voiced our dread at the upcoming departure and our dislike for having to return to a long distance relationship. We talked of the difficulties in it and both promised to be true to each other in every thought and action. Josh promised me that there was no one else for him and that he wanted to become the man I needed. He still wanted to marry me and although he admitted he never really was serious or thought it possible before, he did now and would do whatever it took to prove his love to me. I smiled for this was exactly what I had been looking for and told him as much. I shared all my concern I had, had before the trip and the struggles I knew we would continue to face apart, but I too vowed to love and cherish him because there was no one else who could ever take his place. This seemed to be what he needed to hear too because he took me in his arms and held my heart up against his and we were both happy and content.
Josh, knowing I was a bit of a miser who never spent money on myself, decided to treat me to a nice lunch and a movie. After the movie was over Josh and I again talked of wanting to stay together. I laughingly joked that we should run away and elope so we could finally be together just as we had always wanted. Josh agreed that that would be a great plan and started asking if I knew how to get to Vegas. I laughed and said all I would need was a map. He then talked about how we could then move in with his parents until we saved up enough to get an apartment. I giggled again enjoying how into this he was getting. I knew such a thing would never happen. After all Josh and I had talked about marriage as a goal for a long time now, except that now it seemed like a goal we could actually reach. Josh drove me home so that I could pick up my bags and put my brace back on for my trip home. Josh wasn’t saying much and I assumed he was just upset I had to leave, but when we walked into my room he got down on one knee, grabbed my hands and said “Cherish Brynn Wheeler, I love you. I have always loved you. I can’t live another day without you in my life and by my side; will you make me the happiest man on earth by agreeing to marry me?” Needless to say I was stunned. How could this be happening? I had originally come here to break up and now he was on one knee, in all seriousness, proposing to me. How could I tell him no as he looked up at me with a hopeful expression? Of course I said yes. He started grabbing my bags and talking excitedly about our trip to Vegas. Now I was confused. I didn’t want to tell him I hadn’t been serious because I would love to marry him and I would marry him, but I wasn’t going to run off to Vegas. I had school to finish and a family at home who at least deserved to know I was dating Josh again, let alone marrying him. I knew this was his spontaneity kicked in high gear, but there was no way he could coax me into this. I had other plans and goals that came before him. Although he was number one in my life, I understood the necessity of finishing my degree and there were still some bumpy areas Josh and I needed to work through before I was willing to commit. This was all going so fast and my head was spinning. I tried to logically explain all the reasons we couldn’t afford to make such a decision right now and although Josh was disappointed I knew he knew I was right and respected my decision and my choice. I knew he was willing to give his life to me because once Josh was serious about his love for me, I knew we were attached because nothing in the world could replace me just as nothing in the world could replace him. We were in love and engaged…kind of.
you are a beautiful writer...this could be a book!
ReplyDeletethanks, one day I hope to get it published. I have posted the first sic chapeters to my blog and hae 4-5 more already written that I plan on posting before too long. It means a lot that people are willing to read my story :)
ReplyDelete