Dark Night

What is the point of being vocal about how I feel when no one hears?

I have struggled with depression for many years and for a long time I hid the pain and despair I constantly felt, deep within myself, tainting my experiences with that negativity.  I became aware of what I was doing and actively sought to be vocal about where I was at, what I was feeling and sharing my self-image with those around me..  I guess that just isn’t enough because the pain and negativity is only intensified when I share these raw, personal emotions only to be ignored.

It is not that I am ignored by everyone, just that I am ignored by the people I want most to hear me.  It hurts because it makes me feel as if I am not worth the time to be heard or worth the effort to be comforted or consoled, which is not what I am even searching for; just want to have a voice and for that voice to matter; there are these dark days though that I feel that this is not the case.

My depression is a compilation of all my insecurities and fears and when it takes over, that is all I am.  I am the fat girl, the naive girl, the selfish girl, the needy girl, the lonely girl, etc.  The mute girl who apparently can’t get the words out that need to be heard.

I don’t want your consolation or positive talk as I know this is a darker post.  I guess in writing this all I am looking for tonight is acknowledgement that I am not alone; that others feel just as powerless, ignored and conflicted as I do.  Don’t worry; I am sure this is just a hormone change and a dark night playing on my thoughts.  I will pick myself up ad I always do.  I just felt like sharing some of the raw.