Many Days

There are many days where I feel like I am slowly losing my husband.  The other day was one of those days.  For the first time, Josh has been trying to be more open with his depression and what is bothering him, and I am so glad he is finally letting me know where he is at, but at the same time it shows me just how little I understand and many times how much I disagree with my husband.  It is so frustrating because Josh is just coming to know himself for the first time, so there is no way to assess where we stand as a couple when he doesn’t even know where he stands on his own.  This concept in and of itself is completely foreign to me.  How do you not know who you are or what you stand for?  How can someone claim that they have never allowed anyone to know who they really are?  These days that he decides to open up on all this new self realization or hidden hope or belief are often days I feel my husband is not the man I married.  I hate to admit it, but it makes me question all the time spent, hurt endured, and affection given when there is still a possibility he might decide to leave me and his family due to some choice he feels he has to make.  It is not my place to share Josh’s thought process and to be honest I don’t understand it enough myself to even put it into words, which as I mentioned earlier, just fuels the frustration I feel. 

We are entrapped in this confusing dance as I try and support him and he tries to help out with the children and my comfort, but we lack that connection that always defined our relationship.  I brought up this issue with Josh one night as I shared the disconnect I was feeling and how many days I felt he was more a roommate than a husband.  Josh agreed that sometimes he felt the same way.  I asked him what made a woman a wife.  He listed things like taking care of the house and kids, supporting her husband, etc.  I pointed out that I met all the requirements on his list, yet still we came up lacking.  So what is it that makes a man a husband or a woman a wife?  Sadly, while writing this I feel I have answered my own question and I think the answer varies from couple to couple.  I know what is lacking from our relationship at the moment: trust; something that takes a lot of time to create and restore.  The only way I came to find this answer is to dig through all the other issue and they were all balanced on this cornerstone, which makes me wonder how many cornerstones there are in a relationship. Obviously, love is a cornerstone and I believe trust is one as well: what are some of the other cornerstone? I would love to hear your input.