Crazy busy!

I know it has been forever since I have posted!  So let me recap the more interesting points of the last couple weeks.  For starters my younger sister just got engaged and I couldn’t be more excited.  She has no idea (until she reads thisJ) but it makes me happy to see the blossoming relationship and the joy she gets from being with her fiancé.  They are at that nauseatingly sweet stage where they spend every second with each other and they are still learning about the other person.  No one is taken for granted as they each view the other as the best person and blessing to have entered their lives.  Although my sister is unaware, I secretly live vicariously through her.  Because of the upcoming wedding I feel the same excitement and anticipation and take joy in the stolen kisses and butterflies that rule her life and secretly I wish I knew where to find all of these characteristics within my own marriage.  I miss that stage and as everyone else we were one of those couples that vowed to remain always in that stage and then one day we woke up and it was all shattered. (TO MY SISTER: this does not mean this happens in all relationships, it just happened to mine and I am so glad you get to experience this wonderful stage; I am just a little jealous of you)

We also attempted potty training, but sadly that didn’t go as well as I had anticipated.  Several months ago my son started asking to use the potty all on his own and for about a week would tell me when he wanted to pee or poop and accomplished both successfully.  Then all of the sudden he refused to practice going in the potty anymore, so my husband and I decided to wait a while.  My son is now two years and two months so we decided to use the potty training in a day method…at which point my son’s stubbornness came to rule the day.  You see as I mentioned before he is capable and understand how to potty but doesn’t want to take the time to stop what he is doing to fulfill his obligation in the bathroom.  He did not like being told where and when he should potty or practice going potty resulting in several long bouts of screaming.  Of course we did not let his fits detour our goals and we did not force him making for on very long day where we had eight messes and three successes.  It really was a day long battle of wills.  My mom, a psychologist in child development, said that there were two options.  We could keep doing exactly what we were doing until we broke the power trip he was trying to pull, or we could wait until he was ready and decided he wants to be potty trained.  She said the second option could be in a month or a year; it is totally dependent on him.  As my husband and I were emotionally fried from all the screaming we both knew we could not survive a second day of the same behavior and maintain the highly positive manner that is needed when teaching and have decided to try again once a week or every other week to judge where our son is at and hope it will work on the next attempts as we try to fill him with positive potty propaganda until the next session.

Last, but not least, we are trying to get things in order for the move.  We should find out Jan7th whether we move in a couple weeks or if we move in June, but since there is the possibility of a rushed move, I realized how much I need to get done.  For starters our closet in the bedroom has become a sort of catch all for things without a place in our home.  This includes a couple piles of things we salvaged from the apartment fire but never got around to sorting or copying so as not to lose.  This will take hours of work, hence the reason it hasn’t been dealt with yet.  So I am now attempting to work on these tasks in hopes of saving myself a frantic bustle of trying to get things sorted so as important documents are not placed in storage instead of with us, etc.

That’s everything in a nutshell other that Christmas went very well: Santa and Grandma sure made one little boy very happy and it was fun and infectious to partake in his excitement.  Headed to Indianapolis in a few days to visit my sister and her family so it may be another little while until I post again.  Love to all and Happy New Year.  Hope to post something a little more fun soon J

Seeing one’s self through another’s eyes

Josh was excited about the Christmas gift that he got me, that he insisted I open it early.  It was a necklace, on which he obviously spent a good amount of money.  He eagerly asked if I liked it and went on to explain that when he saw it, it made him think of me.  He said it looked classy, yet unique and really hoped I liked it.  I have to admit I was taken back.  For starters, I was surprised at the thought that went into his choice and I was surprised as it was not a piece I would have picked out for myself.  I didn’t want to tell him this as he was obviously very proud of his choice and I did like the necklace, I just didn’t see me in it.  As I looked at the necklace though and thought about his description, I began to see what he did.  It was a unique piece and it did have sort of a vintage class to it that I enjoy, but for some reason, that just wasn’t overly obviously at first glance.  The more I wore this necklace and the more I thought about what it represented and the more I realized just how much this really was the perfect necklace for me.

Had I been the one in the jewelry store, I would have walked by it, but somehow Josh saw something in me that I did not.  It made me appreciate my husband for seeing things in me that I don’t see or neglect to acknowledge.  Sometimes I learn more about myself from learning how others view me.  It makes me wonder about the times I may have been too quick to judge something as not my style or simply “not me” without taking into account this is a representation of what someone else sees in me.  How much better would we know and love ourselves if only we could see ourselves the way others viewed us?  I know I am my own worst critic, which allows me to downplay my accomplishments and criticize my assets.

This gift from Josh touched me not only for the though and the gift itself, but also for the reminder of who I am and how I am seen.  Especially lately as I have been feeling invisible, it was nice to know someone was watching and seeing me.  So this holiday if by chance you have a similar experience, stop and remember what people see in you.  I know it is a motivator to be the best me I can and to allow myself to love me so I can better love others. (sorry I feel if I went back over this I could say it all better, but this screaming baby of mine it telling me otherwise) Love you all!

Expression

Everyone expresses themselves differently.  Obviously, (or maybe not so obviously) I express myself and my emotions best through written word.  It empowers who I am by giving word and voice to the part of me I feel hides inside.  How do you express yourself?  I have come to learn there are infinite ways to do so.  My older sister I feel best expresses herself in her movements.  From her hand gestures to her choreographed dancing, her body sometimes says more than her words do.  My younger sister is best known for her talent with instruments and there is no doubt she is sharing herself every time she performs a piece or when she teaches someone else how to express themselves through this same outlet.  She speaks a language that sings to the soul.  My younger brother, while very smart and great at articulating himself through words, really shows who he is with his art.  It is unique and an insight into him and his view of the world.   I have a very dear friend who communicates herself best through the service she continually offers.  She willingly opens herself up to freely give to others the love she feels for all and the hope she inspires in others.  My husband expresses and defines himself through his work.  By assimilating and excelling at the challenges he is given, he finds his sense of self. So now that you have a couple of examples, how do you best express yourself?  Is it in your words, your actions, your thoughts?  How do you best be you and define yourself from the other six billion people on this planet?

ESP?

When I meet most people I can typically feel that person and the emotions they are carrying with them at the moment.  I notice small gestures.  I know their thoughts before they give voice to their words.  I have had several different people in my life label me as a mind reader.  In fact, when Josh and I dated long distance we spent many hours on the phone and he took great pleasure in making me guess the number he was thinking.  Skeptical?  I was too.  However, over the years I have come to recognize this for what it is: a spiritual gift.

I can’t “read minds.”  If you were to randomly call me up and ask me to tell you what you were thinking, I would probably be at a loss.  I can however, if a person is open with themselves and not guarded, connect with that person on a level that is beyond casual greetings.  Often times the person is unaware of my connection at all, but if they are open I can share thoughts and feelings with the individual.

I want you to really think about this in your life.  Haven’t you had that moment with a loved one where you think something and seconds later that person says they exact thing you thought and it is usually obscure enough to seem like a coincidence?  I think instances like these are our spirits communicating.  What about those days when all day long you keep thinking about a person and when you finally call they verify they too had been thinking of you all day.  Now this is a silly example, but it illustrates my point: My best friend and I lived on opposite sides of the country.  I gave her a call and the entire time I was on the phone with her I had the desire to color.  I voiced my desire and she laughed, admitting to me she had been trying all day to indulge herself in that very same activity, an activity neither one of us did often or even at all.

Does the thought of sharing ideas seem so impossible?  Why can people know exactly what we are saying and talking about when we have only gotten one word out of our mouth?  I believe emotions too can be shared in this same form of communication.

Haven’t you ever just walked by a person and you could feel their loneliness, sadness, anger, etc?  Forget body language for the moment.  Haven’t you ever been in a room with someone and just felt so strongly the vibes they were giving off?  People refer to this as the sixth sense, being overly observant, or ESP.  I think it is just the spirit inside these mortal vessels communicating the way they always have, just with the extreme limitations of our carnal bodies here on Earth.  Isn’t this just taking your “gut instinct” a step further?

I believe some people are more in tune with this spiritual communication, but I believe it is something that can be learned as well.  Be honest, does this seem farfetched, or is it something you can see being true?  Have you ever had experiences like these?

Eight and a Half Years

Eight and a half years ago today, my husband kissed me for the first time.  Looking back, I don’t even recognize who I used to be, or even who my husband used to be.  It really shows me how everything happens for a reason.  You see, even back then Josh was not my “type.”  There were some personal experiences and hardships that happened in my life right before I met Josh that opened me up to giving him a chance as I explored who I was, but had we met six months earlier, I would not have given him the time of day.  If I had to put my current self back in my shoes eight and a half years ago, I think I would have passed him by again.  I admit all of this not because I regret my marriage as that is not the case and honestly never has been despite our trials; I point this out because to me it confirms that Josh and I were meant to be in each other’s lives.

When Josh and I began dating, I felt this unexplainable pull to him and despite my best effort (and yes, I did try and fight this feeling) I fell head over heels in love with my opposite.  Never before had I experienced this feeling that I was meant to be with someone and I have not felt it with anyone else since.  When friends asked me over and over what I saw in him, I saw his potential and I felt this pull.  I felt like a drug addict because once we were apart my body ached to hear his voice, or feel the touch of his hand.  There just wasn’t any substitution in my life for anyone but Josh. 

Eight and a half years later, I can still see that potential if he is willing to work towards it.  Still, despite my best efforts during our darkest times, I still feel that pull that my responsibility is as a wife by Josh’s side.  I have always tried to be up front and honest with Josh about where I am at in terms of my feelings for him.  I guess today looking back on it all I knew better where I stand in Josh’s eyes.  Does he see potential in me?  Does he ever experience the butterflies we shared on that first kiss?  Does he view this day as a special day, or just another date to try and remember?

"Us"

Does he even find me attractive anymore?  When I confront him about it, he swears that he does, but I do not feel it; I do not believe it.  How can he find m attractive when so often his gaze looks right through me?  I feel I am not seen; at least not the way I feel he used to see me?  Have I changed so much?  Has he?

Last night we talked and it was about things already discussed, but last night he finally heard me.  This is progress as before it was deflection and justifications.  Last night he was forced to look on the situation and I hope that he finally saw what I have been seeing and carrying with me this last year.  If he gets to the point where he can finally name things for what they were then we finally have a place to start as this will show he is finally willing to admit what went wrong.  On this note, it surprises me what people can convince themselves what is truth and what is reality so that they don’t have to deal with the uglier side of things.  I guess confrontation of myself and confrontation with others does not bother me, that this is not an issue, making it harder to understand.

I know this is disjointed and ambiguous to probably all but me and my husband so to clarify: I think we might finally be able to work on “us” and I think we are finally making progress.

Ornaments

Last night my family and I put up our Christmas tree; something I was not really looking forward to this years since I had lost all my sentimental items in the fire last year.  Seeing as the fire happened right before Christmas, my family and I decided to vacation instead, so this was the first year at home all together as a family and I was dreading having to deal with the loss of the items we no longer owned as we went through our Christmas belongings for the first time.  You see, every year my mom and dad would give me an ornament that represented an accomplishment or personality trait that we achieved throughout the year.  This made all my ornaments very sentimental as I had one from every year since birth.  After the fire, josh had been able to salvage just a few of the ornaments that had been packed in the bottom of boxes, making them protected from the smoke and ash.

As I began going through the salvaged ornaments I was disappointed as some of the cheap and sentimentally worthless ornaments were among those saved.  After about five such disappointments I came across my very first ornament.  Tears welled in my eyes and I knew just how blessed I was.  I was blessed to have these precious items saved, but more importantly, it was a reminder of just how blessed we all were to get out safely.  After going through the rest of our decorations I was relieved to find a couple more of my sentimental favorites and although we lost just about everything, it was a gift to recover these items this year as we continue to start over.