Eight and a Half Years

Eight and a half years ago today, my husband kissed me for the first time.  Looking back, I don’t even recognize who I used to be, or even who my husband used to be.  It really shows me how everything happens for a reason.  You see, even back then Josh was not my “type.”  There were some personal experiences and hardships that happened in my life right before I met Josh that opened me up to giving him a chance as I explored who I was, but had we met six months earlier, I would not have given him the time of day.  If I had to put my current self back in my shoes eight and a half years ago, I think I would have passed him by again.  I admit all of this not because I regret my marriage as that is not the case and honestly never has been despite our trials; I point this out because to me it confirms that Josh and I were meant to be in each other’s lives.

When Josh and I began dating, I felt this unexplainable pull to him and despite my best effort (and yes, I did try and fight this feeling) I fell head over heels in love with my opposite.  Never before had I experienced this feeling that I was meant to be with someone and I have not felt it with anyone else since.  When friends asked me over and over what I saw in him, I saw his potential and I felt this pull.  I felt like a drug addict because once we were apart my body ached to hear his voice, or feel the touch of his hand.  There just wasn’t any substitution in my life for anyone but Josh. 

Eight and a half years later, I can still see that potential if he is willing to work towards it.  Still, despite my best efforts during our darkest times, I still feel that pull that my responsibility is as a wife by Josh’s side.  I have always tried to be up front and honest with Josh about where I am at in terms of my feelings for him.  I guess today looking back on it all I knew better where I stand in Josh’s eyes.  Does he see potential in me?  Does he ever experience the butterflies we shared on that first kiss?  Does he view this day as a special day, or just another date to try and remember?