Disgusted

              So for those of you who have been following me for a while you know these facts: 1. I have always hated my breast. 2. I have always wanted a breast reduction. 3. While breast feeding, I am at a size J.  Well all of this horror came to a point last night and I am horrified and disgusted and to tell you the truth very timid about posting this, but I am going to ask for no comments as I still try and deal with this without taking it out on myself.

              Since I have begun breast feeding I have started seeing several stretch marks on my breast as it is growing as my breasts engorge.  I was frustrated that I had to deal with the unsightly and sore inconvenience since this was not my first time breast feeding.  This meant that if possible, my breasts are even larger with this child than it was with my last.  The stretch marks have gotten so bad I have had to wear a bra 24-7 just to make sure the situation didn’t worsen, but unfortunately things did worsen.  Last night as I was pulling a breast out to feed my daughter I felt my finger push through the think stretch area.  My skin literally separated due to the size of my breasts.  I now have a huge laceration under my breast which is extremely painful due to the raw exposed skin.  Josh insisted we go to urgent care today to check it out.  I agreed and after several hours and a $50 co-pay I was told it was a laceration and there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening again.  I was told to care for it the way I had been and was sent on my way.

              Already I hate my breasts and then to add the embarrassment of this on top of it all is just mortifying.  I feel disgusting and can’t help but think that if I wasn’t as heavy as I am then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  I know that even when I was at a healthy weight (the goal weight for my height) I still had size DD breasts, but I feel like I have only made the situation worse.  I feel my body hates me as I am always dealing with its ailments and pains and in return, I hate it back.  Josh is aware of these negative self image issues and has been trying to comfort me all day.  I appreciate his efforts and I am really trying to just deal with this, but really I mean come on, who does this happen to?  I didn’t even know it could happen.  I am so embarrassed.