So Many Emotions!

I hurt all the time.  I see couples, proclamations of love, hand holding, parent working together to quiet their children in church or at a store and I want to cry.  I do cry.  All the time.  I break down when talking to people, I cry myself to sleep and I cry when my child asks, "where daddy at?" I cry for all the lies, all the deceit, all the rejection.  I cry for it all. I hurt for it all and the hurt is so very deep that I think I won't ever feel anything, but this hurt.
Then I have to see him.
I can't even describe how quick it went from hurt and wounded to angry and violent.  Just seeing his face and I am imagining inflicting physical pain.  Slapping, hitting, kicking, anything to get out this hurt.  Anything to make him hurt the way he hurt me and my precious children.  I try however to not let this emotion consume me as it takes over so quickly.  In my head I am seething, loathing, hating trying to restrain the hand that so badly wants to reach out and strike him.  I don't though; for my kids.
I feel sorrowful and inadequate as he tells me he finds her more attractive and I break over and over even though his lying words should mean nothing to me, they do and I pity myself at all I have to go through, at having to be single again, while being a single mom to a 2 year old and an 11 month old. I feel sorry for myself that I fell for someone who could do this to me.  I feel sorry for the children and sorry for myself as we struggle to become this new little unit.
I fear constantly.  I fear that I won't have enough money to take care of all of us.  I fear that I won't be enough for my children, I fear that I will never be able to trust and love again and I fear I will never be able to stop crying and hating.  I fear that my children might some day blame me and I fear I somehow caused a part of this. 
I fight and I struggle to pick myself up yet again as I have children to take care of and a life to live.  I fight to not let his actions determine or shape who I become.  I fight to maintain and keep pushing on with the goals I have made so that at the end of the day, despite the pain, anger, sorrow and fear, I can still be content with myself.  I fight to let go of all the emotions I feel so that I can move on and be a stronger, more beautiful person. I fight to be more, to be me and to be happy.

More information

First of all, I want to thank all who is reading this.  It means you went out of your way to come specifically to this page and check up on me and that support is what is helping me rally through all the hurt and heartbreak I am going through at the moment. Having said that, there is a lot of new information that was finally given to me in honesty that I am still trying to process, so here it is:
If you remember, about a year ago I posted about Josh having an emotional affair with someone he had known in high school and the devastating affects of not only his admittance of love for her, but his continually talking to her despite my threats to leave.  It reached a point where I had suitcases packed and was walking out the door when he apologized and promised to finally let her go. 
I guess that only lasted a month or two and without my knowledge he resumed his communications with this woman (who I had contacted and talked to so she knew he was married and had two kids). When we moved back to Colorado, I knew our relationship was near it's end as I was once again, the only one fixing to repair it, but still I felt obligated to try and give Josh every opportunity and help he needed.  There were many time I voiced my concerns about him being back in Colorado as I knew this woman resided near where we are currently living, but he assured me over and over again he had not talked to her and had no way to contact her.  After only week of being her, Josh began going out at nights and not returning until 2 or 3 in the morning.  I believed he was going out drinking as he always came home stinking of alcohol, but still I had a fear in the back of my mind that he was cheating.  I asked him point blank several times, always with the answer that he would never do that to me.  I begged him to divorce me before anything like that could happen.
despite my efforts to continually work on my marriage, it was still sinking and there were many times we sat down and talked about what he wanted.  I  begged and pleaded that he tell me if he was done and of so, then to give me the divorce I have been asking for, but reminded him that despite it all I still cared for him and would try to work things out if he put forth the same effort.  he made promises, but never delivered.
Well last night the truth of everything came out. I found out Josh had in fact been talking to this lady for a long time.  About a month and a half ago (according to Josh) he got an apartment in Parker and invited this lady and her child to move in with him.  Here I thought he was living here at my parent's house, but all those late nights and early morning were not at a bar as he claimed; instead they were in the arms of this woman. He admitted to being unfaithful multiple times and has now left me and the children to go live with his mistress and her child.
To be honest, it was not a huge shock that he was cheating on me, and I was not upset about the finality of our relationship, but I was cut through the heart that he would show so little respect to me when I have done nothing but love him with everything I had. It hurts that he would use and abuse me in such a way when all he simply would have needed to say was that he was done.  Especially when I gave him chance after chance to end the limbo he kept stringing us along in.  It hurts because For years we have had intimacy issues where there was nothing I could do to arouse him, but he has no problem sleeping with someone else.  It hurts that he chose to live with this woman and her child, while abandoning me and our two little miracles.  It hurts that he lied to my face and kept me around,making me feel the fool. It hurts that I fought so hard for him and he showed me so little decency as he fulfilled his needs.  It hurts that he rejected me and for what?

Final cake, course 3!

I just got assigned a visiting teaching rout for the ward I am in and am very excited to start meting people.  Since I am always needing to practice my cake making skills and since I needed to make a cake for my final I decided to make a little extra so I can give to the three sisters I am to visit. So here are pictures of the goodies I made for my ladies as well as my final cake

Shock

I am currently in shock, but feel the need to make this public as this information solidifies the choices and goals I have been striving towards.  Even though I have known this marriage was ending, I have still given it my all, including marriage counseling, even up to last week.  However, today Josh finally admitted to me that he has been sleeping with another woman for over a month now, despite the fact that we are still married and living in the same house. As you can imagine I am hurting that someone I used to love so much could do something so awful to me and can't help but question my worth despite, knowing my value. There is no coming back from this and I have spent the last three years trying to save a relationship he did not want to save.  I feel like a fool, but proud I have endured to the end. Please, please send me your prayers so I can have the strength to rise above this.

goals

It has been brought to my attention that I have not posted recently.  I know I have been slacking, but hop to improve that here on out.  About two months ago, I started a person challenge called Last Year of Your Life and have realized that I have not posted my progress.  So Today I plan on sharing the goals I made as well as the advances I have made with them!

My goal for this year, my mission statement: To start over in all aspects of my life, making and shaping a person I am proud to be while I raise my children.

These are my monthly goals (things I enjoy but tend to not make time for) I pick one each month and mark it off my list:

1.       Go driving in the mountains (September: done)

2.       Read a book

3.       Go swimming in a river

4.       Go out with a friend

5.       Hiking

6.       Baseball game (July: done)

7.       Do a puzzle

8.       Write everyday

9.       Go on a picnic

10.   Climb a tree

11.   Decorate cakes

12.   Play on a park at night (August: done)

Concrete goals (started in July so to try and achieve by July):

1.       Lose 20-25 lbs. (I have lost, and kept off, 13 lbs so far!)

2.       Start a Bunco group

3.       Finish all four cake decorating classes (I just started course 3!)

4.       Ream BOM, D&C, POGP all the way through (I am on Alma 36)

5.       Read at least 3 religious books this year (I am halfway through Eve and the Choice Made in Eden).

6.       Learn a new crochet stitch

7.       Cut back on fast food (I now only treat myself to Chipotle one a week, although there are a couple of other splurges due to time crunches, etc)

8.       Make $200 this year from stuff I make.

9.       Run in a 5K for fun (I have been training and have picked one this month to attend!)

10.   Get a job

Ethereal goals:

1.       Get to a point when I never yell at my children (hard to gauge one’s success, but I feel I have gotten better at this).

2.       Give service to others more frequently (donating/giving away the cakes I decorate).

3.       Eat healthier (working on only eating whole grains.  Trying to cut starches out of my diet)

4.       Be more active (mom and I walk every day)

5.       Write more.

6.       Know where I stand with Josh (Josh said he will file for divorce this month or next)

7.       Attend the temple more (went for my birthday, but I still want to be a lot better at this)

8.       Get Dorian ready for kindergarten, help inspire a love to learn

9.       Meditate frequently

10.   Learn more about photography.

A lot of goals overlap, which help.  Here is my action mantra:

I deserve to be 170 lbs by Nov. 11^th 2013

I deserve to allow myself time daily for growth and reflection as I study gospel principles.

The two things I am trying to make habits:

1.       Brush and floss my teeth daily (yes, I am one of those, I don’t always floss, but this is changing!)

2.       Do 8 min. of arm exercises.

nightmare

I had survived a very serious car crash.  There wasn’t much imagery for this, just background knowledge that I had been involved in a car accident that should have killed me, but somehow I survived.  Although the knowledge was no clear or specific, I had been in another incident that should have taken my life and had not.  With this background information I found myself in a hospital, waiting in a large commons or waiting area. The hospital is new, lacking the hospital smell.  The paint is fresh, the chairs are cushioned, and the floors are clean. I am not sure why I am there, but I am sitting in a navy blue chair watching a couple sitting across from me.  They are discussing moving in together and it is clear that the woman is feeling under the weather. The man, (young twenties) had blonde hair, a lean stature and had his arm around his girlfriend who was a head shorter than he with brown shoulder length hair.  They were all smiles.

Then out of nowhere there is a horrible noise and I open my eyes to see smoke.  People are lying on the ground, there is screaming, rafters and debris is everywhere and I quickly piece together that a bomb has gone off.  I am not worried about myself as I am still just an observer.  I notice the couple across from me.  The man is unhurt but kneeling over his girlfriend who is bleeding pretty severely.  Doctors rush up and start working on her and the same action is taken with other victims that have been injured.  The response is quick and in hardly any time everyone is thought to have been taken care of.  I get up and start observing the damage.  The white speckled floor of hospital tile is now grey with dust and debris.  Chairs are overturned, and glass is all over the floor.  I head toward what looks like a wall and notice a fairly large puddle of blood that is undisturbed.  I look around the wall to see a little alcove leading into an office and there on the floor is an African American woman with a piece of glass, rounded and large like sun visor for tanning, sticking out of her neck.  I hear her wheezing and gurgling, desperately trying to call for help and I scream.  The image was so vivid and real as I saw the terror I her face as she sobbed, blood gushing from her neck and pooling on the floor.  It was a miracle she was not already dead with the evident loss of blood soaking through the light blue scrubs she was wearing.  I run as quickly as I can back around the corner and straight into two doctors and indicate someone had been missed.  I hear the other doctor scream as she rounded the corner.  I cringe as I hear the same wheezing sobs as they strap her to a gurney and rush her away.  I remember feeling sick and terrified. 

I then see the man talking to a doctor and overhear that his girlfriend died of her injuries.  The man’s face freezes in unbelief and the doctor, for whatever reason decides to let the man know that the woman’s test results had come back and that all she had been sick with was the flue.  The wan walked away, clearly in shock and my heart hurt that his girlfriend had come in with the flue and would now never be walking out with him because of the bomb.

Then all of the sudden I am over next to the chairs again and talking to a group of about ten other people who had been in the hospital for whatever reason.  I am talking to them, almost like I am preaching to them telling them that I should have died in that car accident and since I cheated death, death continually looks for me, and I end up hurting all these people unknowingly as death chases me.  I remember feeling like I would die soon, as if this was my last free pass and I was left untouched and unharmed. I kind of wished death would take me so I would stop hurting people around me, but I was fearful as well.

I woke up terrified and jumpy.  Everything was so realistic, down to the way the nurse’s blood pooled around her as well as the detail of the cracked glass as it stuck out from her neck.  I couldn’t sleep four hours as I heard the same gurgling sound over and over in my mind.  Never before do I remember dreaming something so violent, graphic and disturbing. 

I couldn’t help but see the parallels in my life.  I have survived two things that should have killed me: the car accident and the apartment fire.  The neck wound was also very symbolic of Josh when he was injured in Afghanistan.  I never found out what happened to the nurse in my dream, but it seemed unlikely she would survive.  This is sometimes what I feel about Josh, as when he returned home from deployment he was no longer himself, almost as if he had in fact died in his bomb attack.  I just got this real foreboding  feeling that there would be another near death experience coming my way and that someone close to me was going to die.  I still feel on edge as I felt it would happen soon (within a year) and after what I have already experienced, I am scared to death of something else coming my way.  I would love anyone else’s interpretations though!