I hurt all the time. I see couples, proclamations of love, hand holding, parent working together to quiet their children in church or at a store and I want to cry. I do cry. All the time. I break down when talking to people, I cry myself to sleep and I cry when my child asks, "where daddy at?" I cry for all the lies, all the deceit, all the rejection. I cry for it all. I hurt for it all and the hurt is so very deep that I think I won't ever feel anything, but this hurt.
Then I have to see him.
I can't even describe how quick it went from hurt and wounded to angry and violent. Just seeing his face and I am imagining inflicting physical pain. Slapping, hitting, kicking, anything to get out this hurt. Anything to make him hurt the way he hurt me and my precious children. I try however to not let this emotion consume me as it takes over so quickly. In my head I am seething, loathing, hating trying to restrain the hand that so badly wants to reach out and strike him. I don't though; for my kids.
I feel sorrowful and inadequate as he tells me he finds her more attractive and I break over and over even though his lying words should mean nothing to me, they do and I pity myself at all I have to go through, at having to be single again, while being a single mom to a 2 year old and an 11 month old. I feel sorry for myself that I fell for someone who could do this to me. I feel sorry for the children and sorry for myself as we struggle to become this new little unit.
I fear constantly. I fear that I won't have enough money to take care of all of us. I fear that I won't be enough for my children, I fear that I will never be able to trust and love again and I fear I will never be able to stop crying and hating. I fear that my children might some day blame me and I fear I somehow caused a part of this.
I fight and I struggle to pick myself up yet again as I have children to take care of and a life to live. I fight to not let his actions determine or shape who I become. I fight to maintain and keep pushing on with the goals I have made so that at the end of the day, despite the pain, anger, sorrow and fear, I can still be content with myself. I fight to let go of all the emotions I feel so that I can move on and be a stronger, more beautiful person. I fight to be more, to be me and to be happy.
Maybe now would be a good time to take up boxing? There are many I'm sure, who would like to whoop his ass for you, excuse the language, nothing else quite fits :( I'm so sorry for all you are going through! The saddest part to me is that this is just ONE family. There are so many lost and confused souls out there dividing families up allover. It just doesn't seem fair. :( I'm so sorry, Cherish, you and your kids deserve better and I know you will find a truer lasting love when the time is perfect and right. (((((Hugs))))) keeping you ALL in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI LOVED your comment Laura! I couldn't agree with you more on every point :)
DeleteDear Friend,
ReplyDeleteI cannot possibly understand what this is like for you. I see you struggling everyday and know that you must hurt, maybe more than you ever have. I do not have any words of encouragement for you right now. I just want you to know that your most precious gift that you can give anyone is your love, and you still have it to give to whom you will. This is one of the things that no one, no matter how much they trample you underfoot, can take from you. You have the freedom to give the gift of your love to whomever you see fit to deserve it. I know sometimes you may feel that you have given all of it. You have not. You have an infinite spring of love to give, you just need to remember it is there.
All of this makes me so, so sad and so, so angry at the same time. I'm sad that you are hurt and I'm angry that someone could so selfishly hurt you so deeply. Please remember that your children are so very blessed to have you for their mother, just as you already know that they are blessings to you. They love you and will praise your name in years to come for all that you do for them. I keep you in my prayers continually and will keep doing so. I pray that the Lord will stay with you and continue to help you through this most difficult time. Love you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Emily. As always your words touch mt heart and I can't thank you enough for the prayers.
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