Chapter Twenty Five: Betrayed

 I was elated.  I was nervous.  I knew Josh had not wanted this now, but how could he not be elated as well?  I started thinking of different ways to break the news to him, hoping to get him excited.  I was still putting an idea together when Josh called me, asking me if I had tested.  I let him know I had.  He asked me if I was pregnant.  The monotone way in which he asked iced my heart as I knew he was hoping I would say no.  There was no way to avoid his question.  This is how he would know I was pregnant.  I answered, yes.  I tested positive.  The silence on the phone line hung heavily in the dead air between us.  I began my nervous rambling, explaining how I knew the pregnancy was not planned, I knew he felt he was not ready, but couldn’t he see what a blessing this was?  Wasn’t he excited? After a short pause I got the reassurance I was looking for: of course he was glad I was pregnant.  He excused himself as he was needed back at work and the call ended.

Although Josh had said the words I wanted to hear, I could tell he was still fearful, which made me fearful.  My excitement didn’t fade at all, but I could already tell that this pregnancy would be more of an adjustment than the other two I had experienced.  With that thought, fear stopped my heart as once again the delivery night of Baby Borland ran through my head.  What if I lost this baby?  How could I survive heartbreak?  My hand rubbed my pudgy, overweight belly as if somehow my hand could protect the three or four week old fetus growing inside of me.  The reminder of my broken heart burned into my soul as I remembered once again my baby, lifeless in my hand.  Yet, somehow, from somewhere deep within me, hope burned.  Hope that this was our new start.  This would be our new beginning now that we were finally building up and establishing a home as we slowly replaced items.  Hope that this new year had already brought us a promise of a great blessing and addition to our family and that this year would be the end of this difficult streak Josh and I seemed to be stuck on. 

When Josh came home I had dinner waiting on the table and met Josh with a bubbly kiss.  Even if Josh didn’t feel like he was ready for another child, I knew he was and I was going to share all my hope and excitement until he got there with me.  A whole new happiness enveloped me as I realized I had new purpose.  We finally, after three long months of fighting, received our insurance money, I was pregnant again and I felt this was what Josh and I needed to re-establish our connection as we finally had an opportunity to experience a pregnancy and birth together.  This pregnancy to me was more than just a pregnancy.  It was another reason to take my life back and fight for the very best so that this precious baby could enter a world of love and comfort the same way Dorian had.  I quickly made an appointment with my OBGYN.  My fears were high, but my hopes were strong.

As I imagined a baby in my belly again, I became more like myself prior to the fire.  Keeping house was no longer as impossible as it had been.  My days sped by with more happiness and fun as I was able to live in the moment again.  I cooked meals and desserts and was finally building up our new home.  I began paying off bills and writing a plethora of thank you letters, catching up on things that had overwhelmed me for so long.  It was while doing this that I can across a $400 phone bill.  I was shocked.  I knew we had been on the phone a lot with insurance, Red Cross, the apartment complex as well as family and friends, but I had monitored my minutes while dealing with such and was angered I had been so far off the mark.  However, upon closer inspection, I noticed the minutes used weren’t from my phone, but from Josh’s.  I looked into this even further to see that all of these minutes were linked to one number.   The number was a Colorado number and my mind began racing at the possibilities of who he could be spending so much time on the phone with.  Although I kept telling myself it was nothing to be worried about, my stomach knotted not only because of the mysterious phone calls, but also the hefty phone bill we would now have to pay.

As soon as Josh walked through the door, I tried my best to remain calm, but for some reason upon seeing him, anger and furry roared within me.  I curtly asked him to come over and look at this bill with me.  When he saw the phone bill I saw the astonishment jump into his eyes.  When I directed him to the minutes and number I watched the tense way in which his body reacted.  I asked him who the number belonged to.  Silence hung in the air before he finally answered.  It belonged to an old girlfriend of his from high school. 

I felt like I had been punched in the gut and only half heard his explanations and promises that he had no idea he had talked with her for so long and they had just recently found each other on Facebook and he hadn’t heard from this close friend in seven years and how they had just b been catching up.  He went on to say that with everything that had gone on between the fire and the miscarriage, this friend had been just what he needed as he felt we were not strong enough to rely on each other and that he appreciated her listening ear and validation.  My heart ached as he rambled on and on.  I tried to see things from his point of view, but it just didn’t feel right and I let him know as much.  I apologized for my lack of solidarity through everything we had been through, but who better to understand what he was feeling than me, the person who experienced it with him?  Why did he feel the need to turn to someone else when I have been here all along begging for him to open up and share him thoughts feeling, emotions: himself, with me?  I explained how sacred and important our marriage was and how it was obvious to me how he had been pulling back.  I tried to reassure him that all I wanted was to be there, to restore everything I knew we had had before and all that we were destined to have together.  I let him know I was okay that he had this friendship with this woman, but that she should never take my place in anything and that included the secret emotions of his heart.  This woman did not have a place inside our marriage and that if he wanted to talk to her; he needed to do so sparingly while we tried to fix the rift that somehow had taken over our marriage.  I told him I loved him and got promises that such a thing would never happen again.  I wanted to believe it was all over, but it still sat heavy in my stomach and I couldn’t help but have the residue of betrayal taint my thoughts as he had chosen to speak to her over me.  Memories of Pennsylvania again flashed through my head and I asked, as I often did, if he had been feeling the temptations to smoke or drink.  As always, Josh reassured me that the temptations were there some days, but he had kept himself away from such vices, kissing me and walking past me to the meal I had waiting for us on the table.

Several days passed, but the knot in my stomach did not disappear. I was at a loss as to what I should do as my husband closed up and shut down anytime I tried to talk to him.  I once again brought up counseling as now not only did we have the trauma of his injury, but the fire and the miscarriage as well.  The more I asked about counseling though, the angrier he got.  I felt alone.  I was disappointed as I felt the rest of our lives were finally on the mend, why was not our marriage on the med as well? Desperate, I called a close friend asking her for advice and voicing all my concerns as my husband continued to pull away.  I was dismayed when my friend lovingly shared with me that she knew for a fact Josh had in fact been smoking again and that it was a common thing he didn’t even attempt to hide while at work, meaning it was a habit that had been going on for a while.  Of course, knowing Josh, there was always the fear that there was more than just smoking going on, but the news didn’t upset me.  In fact, it made sense.  We had been through hell and I knew I could barely hold myself together some days, I knew he had to be feeling something similar.  I knew he was under a lot of stress and this even explained why he was pulling away: he was disappointed with his choice and rather than disappoint me, he felt the need to hide it.  I thanked my friend for her honesty and she tenderly asked if pornography could be a vice he was struggling with as she was also aware our times of intimacy were pretty much nonexistent.  I assured her I didn’t think that was the case as I didn’t see when he would even have time to partake in such filth and thanked her again for her listening ear.  Although my heart was once again torn that Josh felt he couldn’t be honest with me, I was anxious for him to return home.  I wanted so desperately to assure him I understood, give him the support he needed to quit as it was so unhealthy and something I never wanted the children around.  I wanted him to know I still loved him.  I still felt the same way for him and that I was here; always here waiting for him to just come to me.  I wanted to share with him that I didn’t judge him; I was just concerned for him.

That night before bed, I confronted Josh with the information I had received and went on a long soliloquy of how I understood, how I loved him and how I wanted to help him, but required that he be honest with me.  Josh listened as I poured out my soul, trying my best to reach out to his wounded heart, hoping in return he would see mine.  Josh apologized for lying and admitted it was because he did not want to disappoint me as he knew I was pregnant and didn’t want to add any stress to my already hectic days.  He reassured me he would inform me when he was struggling and we agreed to go and purchase an electronic cigarette to try and help him quit with the rule that he was not allowed to smoke it in front of Dorian.  I am not sure why, but I guess a naive part of me had hoped this would be the action to bridge the chasm that had developed between us and was sorely disappointed when Josh quickly rolled over and fell asleep.  Once again, I was here in bed with him, but utterly alone.

I tried not to be pushy, but would ask Josh at some point during the day how many cigarettes he was smoking and if he knew what his triggers were. He would admit to the couple he would have and I would try and be supportive of his stresses.  One night however, in an attempt to talk and feel closer to him I pushed a little more than I had in the past.  I asked why he seemed to lack the desire to quit when he knew it was something that was so unhealthy for him and something he knew I was against from the very beginning of our courtship, not to mention the conflict it had within our faith.  I must have struck a nerve as he lost the dull nonchalance that had been playing on his face.  He began talking of angels and demons I knew very little of and quickly switched to stories of deployment and then the quick, but stabbing declaration: he no longer believed in the church and he wasn’t even sure he believed in God.  The declaration angered me instantly while the rest of my brain and body tried to possibly comprehend what he was saying.  How could he possibly be saying this, when it was everything we based our life around?  How could he possible say there was no divine being after all the miracles we had experienced despite the hardships?  How could he deny the very essence of what our lives were?  I asked him to explain and explanations fell short as he seemed to shut down again, leaving me with the feeling of yet another betrayal lingering in the space between us.  Pretty much all I knew is that he was now interested in something called Thelema and he believed that all the trials we had been through were a punishment for who he was.  None of his explanations made sense.  I had no way to relate and all I heard was the depression I had still been begging for him to be seen about.

I tried daily to ask questions and understand, but he took it as judgment and harassment.  We were not doing well and it scared me.  I felt like everything I had been promised when married was all being ripped out from under my feet.  I had been promised a faithful, open loving husband who would lead our family in faith and righteousness as we centered our home and taught our children around the concepts of Christ.  Josh agreed to keep attending church, but only to help me with the kids.  He no longer wanted to pray, read scriptures, or even talk about religion as it always sent him into a rage and ager that I did not understand.  I felt alone as I reached out the only way I knew how time and time again, but I saw all my attempts only pushed him away.  I tried the best I could to accept where our lives were now at, but I felt wounded and cheated and didn’t know how to put it away and just accept all the changes I felt Josh was demanding.  To me this seemed to be strike number three in my life: fire, miscarriage, and then my husband’s decent from religion and our marriage. 

Needless to say, January was not exactly the new start I had hoped it to be as we rolled into February, arguing with one another every night, trying to just get through to the other who we were and what was important to us.  It was through this struggle that I attempted to cling once again to routine and normalcy.  Despite the world that was crumbling down around me, I was still trying to build up a home and raise my son while the idea of a second child sank in once again.  I was once again going about my daily tasks when I came across the phone bill.  As soon as I saw the amount I cried.   Once again Josh had racked up a $300 phone bill talking to his ex girlfriend rather than talking to me, even after the promise he would no longer talk to her except on special occasions.  I began digging deeper.  I looked at times and dates and my inside frame shook with fear and disgust as I recognized several times where I had called Josh at work to only be told he was busy and could not talk and then saw calls made at the same time to her.  I had tried to be understanding, but it was clear there was something that was not right here if Josh could not keep his distance.  I took a little comfort in knowing this woman lived in Colorado, while we were in Tennessee, but the hurt was still very real.  With each passing night and day I could feel Josh pulling away from me.  I felt already as if I somehow wasn’t what he wanted anymore and it killed me hearing all the thoughts that swirled in my head telling me this was cheating.  I tried not to jump to conclusions though.  I tried to make excuses and justify his actions in his defense, but nothing I came up with made sense.  I knew I needed to confront my husband and ask him if he loved another woman.

When Josh returned home from work that night I walked up with the phone bill, handed it silently over to him and then walked into the dining room with our son to feed him.  I glanced back over my shoulder and saw the fear in Josh’s eyes as he looked over the bill.  That fear I saw, told me everything I needed to know, now to hear it from his mouth.  I cooed and awed silly faces and sounds, prompting our one year old to eat.  Josh sat down heavy at the table and began an apology of how he has no idea how they had talked that much.  He hadn’t meant for it to happen.  She was just an old friend.  I cut him off.  A fire burned suddenly within me that I had been unaware of.  I know my eyes cut like glass my look stabbed into his.  How dare he waste what little money we had.  How dare he choose another woman over me?  How dare he be so selfish and put his own desires over that of his family.  How dare he lie to me as I reminded him of the promise he made that he would back off and no longer contact her.  Then, in an instant the anger became tears.  I was shocked though when I looked up at his steely face to see the anger he had put on.  I asked if he loved her and he denied that he did.  I asked if he loved me and there was silence.  The only sound was of our son hitting his fork against his bowl.  My entire insides felt as if they were being ripped out of my body.  What had I done? How was it possible he no longer loved me?  Before I even realized what my body was doing, I was running up the stairs in hysterical tears.  I threw myself on the floor, my back against our bed as I stared at the closed off white blinds and sobbed.  My whole life was out of control.  Now I really had lost everything.  I gripped my belly crying to God, begging and pleading to know why he would send me a child when I no longer had a family to give it.  Why would he send a precious spirit into a marriage that was falling apart?  Fear struck me as thoughts of divorce skirted around my mind and I anticipated raising two children on my own. I begged that he fixed this.  Save me from this.  Save the child from this.  Then in my anguish, I once again remembered the small child I had just recently lost and cried tears of sorrow as I begged my Father in Heaven to let me keep this child.  I felt guilt and self loathing as I begged the Lord to forgive me for my weakness and that I wanted this baby more than anything else.  However the silence of my husband tore at my soul again.  I slid to the floor, just sobbing to the point I could hardly breathe.  Maybe this is how I would die: A broken heart.  I didn’t even attempt to pull myself together as my world was over.  How could I come back from this too?  No.  I had lost too much. 

I heard the heavy shuffle of Josh’s footsteps on the carpet as he walked around to join me on the floor.  I must have been a sight, runny eyes and nose slumped in a heaving pile on the floor.  Josh sat down next to me and pulled me up into him.  Whispering he was sorry.  He was sorry. He did love me still. He was sorry. He was just angry.  I was pushing too hard.  He did love me. Shhhhh. Shhhhhh.  New sobs shook my frame as it felt like I needed those words to live.  He did love me.  He was just angry and ashamed with himself.  He did love me I told myself over and over as he held me. 

I realized our son was not with him and asked where he was.  I quickly pulled myself together to run to my child and make sure he had not gotten into any mischief while I gave up on life for the thirty minutes I had.  Dorian sat contentedly on the couch watching a show and I confronted Josh.  I demanded he give up his friend as now I had no tolerance for any sort of communication.  I told him it was obvious there were bounds being crossed that were not acceptable and laid out to him clearly.  I would not be cheated on and if he chose her over me again, then I would walk out because it had been unfair how he had been treating me.  He had no right to push me away, ignore me, fall asleep on my, reject me and then replace me.  I let him know he had a choice: her or me.  His priorities needed to be straight if we had any shot at fixing this.  He argued that it wasn’t fair I was asking him to give up a friend.  He made me feel small and horrible that I would take away the one person he felt actually heard him.  I cried again, trying to remain in control as we were still close enough out son could hear and started it again.  This woman had no place in our marriage and he needed to decide.  We had been through hell together and this was not the time to be separating us.  When he continued to put off in answering me another wave of emotion set itself loose.  I told him then he obviously didn’t love me and me and Dorian would be out of his hair come morning so he could pursue this new relationship.  Josh at this point seemed to comprehend the magnitude of what I was saying and dejectedly agreed to give her up.  I wasn’t trying to strong arm compliance out of him, but he needed to understand this was wrong and I would not stand for it.  I also demanded we begin marriage counseling and he agreed.

The next morning I looked up this woman on Facebook and wrote her a message letting her know I was not comfortable with her contact with my husband and that I would appreciate it if she would back off while we fixed some things we were struggling with.  I got a reply that she would agree with that and that it had been her calling him.  She tried to tell me they had never dated, but I knew her words were lies.  I thanked her for understanding and watched and waited for my husband to delete her from his account.