Why Hello!

Ok.  I know I have been away for a while, but I am feeling much better.  Although my ears still pop and have some fogginess in them still, my hearing is pretty much back to normal.  I am back at the gym and pushing as hard as I was before and trying to re-establish a schedule that works with me and the kids after slowly dying on the couch for the last 6-7 weeks, lol. Her are all the updates:
Josh/divorce: we are down to 17 days and counting!  I just finished the mandatory child after divorce class and filed that with the court so that when we attend our hearing on the 25th there should be no reason we won't get the divorce that day.  Things between Josh and I have been pretty up and down as you have seen throughout the course of this blog.  However, we have reached a couple of agreements that I feel are in the best interest of the children.  Josh owes me A LOT of money in back child support, borrowed money and my half of his retirement and sadly, week after week I still am not getting the amount that is owed to me as he can't afford to pay rent, or even buy food for himself, his mistress or her daughter.  As you can imagine this used to enrage me, that I was not receiving the child support for our children as he put his needs and their needs above that of his three year old and one year old.  However, after going to the class I mentioned above I saw many people who were in their second or even third year of the divorce as they could not agree on visitations, parenting plan, etc.  I was blessed that Josh easily gave me what I was comfortable with, making this a short process in comparison to others.  In return, I felt I should offer a little more help as it would benefit the kids. Mom and I have been going through the food storage and donating food to him and his household so that the child he is supporting does not go hungry as he once said they went three days without eating.  No child should ever experience that as children are innocent of the sins of their parents.  I also made a deal with Josh that I would forget his debt and my half to his retirement and accept the much smaller sum (about half of what is owed) by keeping his potion of the tax return.  this works for both of us as I would prefer a smaller lump sum then to try and nickel and dime him for money he very obviously does not have and he will no longer have to worry about a debt with me.  This way we no longer even have to interact with one another unless it is in regard to the children.  I also expressed that because the courts would soon start taking the child support directly from him I feel safer knowing I have the means to meet the needs of my children and one of those needs is further child support and healthcare which Josh provides.  Although I cannot offer him much at all, I let him know if there were times he had no way to afford gas to get to work, I would see what I could do as once again my children's needs are always my priority.  We both seemed to like the structure of this and I think it will help us remain amiable in front of the kids as they see the respect I am still trying to show their father in my effort to help him so that I can help them.
temple/endowment: SO I have had the desire to go to the temple for a long time, but Satan has cleverly been master over things of life making it so I have been unable to go.  However, I had a friend, near and dear to me go through for the first time and was able to be there for that.  There are little words to express the healing, cleansing love that is found inside.  I am so proud of my friend for this commitment he made and excited that I now have someone to regularly attend with me as I know it will be the things to change my life around and keep me in focus on the best Cherish I can be!
Baptism/TX:  I bought my ticket this morning! I am so very excited for this trip and a little scared at the same time.  This will be my first time EVER leaving Amellia and although there is no one better to leave my children with than my parents, I still know I will struggle with the separation. Having said this though, the last time I made a trip just for me was when I was 19 and went to visit Josh while we dated: 9 years ago.  I am very excited for this opportunity and for the blessing of being able to share what is so much a part of me (religion) with such a close friends and to watch as it becomes a part of him.  I am also very excited that this trip falls after my divorce as for me it feels a little symbolic, stepping out into the world free again.
Memoir: I am still working on my memoir, but getting to the point where things began to really fall apart with Josh.  As you can imagine these memories are really painful and take a lot to get back into, in order to properly write about so I will probably be slower in posting the rest of the chapters. I also want to explain my process a little as I write it out and post what I wrote.  I do not reread, I do not edit, I do not alter.  What I post is raw.  So forgive all the grammatical mistakes and awkward sentences as I will at some point go back and edit. Your comments and support encourage me to keep going.  I have decided to end the memoir with the divorce.  Although the story is about me and not about Josh, it does start with Josh and seems fitting it should end with Josh as he was an era of my life and who knows maybe I will have someone to inspire me to start a sequel that will hopefully be more riveting as it is filled with love rather than tragedy.  Thank you all as always for your love and support, it fuels my potential!