A Year

Today it struck me: I have been in Colorado for a year now.  Wow.  What a year! I can't help but think back tot he lonely, lost, scared, abused person I was then and look and see just how much happier I am now.  This year was pure hell, but then again, growth hurts, yet, I am so much better off for it all.  I wish I could have had the eternity and promises I was made, but it is clear that was not going to happen, so I am blessed in ridding myself of the anchors that have been holding me down for so long. Here is to continued growth, happiness and hope for the next year!

must watch and listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7iIVevGmo

Wowsers

So it seems I have made a bit if a commotion. Let me clarify a few points. My children are 1 and 3 they are not capable of reading my blog and I post to my blog as relief. I am putting together the memoir for them to show how and why I loved their father and how and why it ended. The things I vent on here are not at all things I share or discuss in front of my children. They are half of their father and he possesses good qualities that I hope they inherit. I never keep my kids from their father although I am not obligated to give him any time with them.
I do not appreciate being accosted by anyone about what I post, but everyone is welcome to their own opinion, although I want to try and eliviate the anger if possible which is why I try and respond and hopefully defuse the situation. For those of you who care I have been in contact with Tasha today and according to her, she has been lied to as well.  To be frank, my faith and trust in either her or josh is low, based on what I have seen, but my whole goal is to be done with it all.  The man I married was a good and decent man and I will always make it a priority to let my kids know that man, if only through memory.  I am sorry if any of my post have gotten too negative for anyone, but as stated in my last post, I will blog what I feel as that is very cathartic for me. I will not be making my blog private and I will not censor my emotions as this has always been for me. I appreciate support and comments, but only when they help me move on. I do not begrudge anyone, but that does not mean I have to like or trust anyone either. Having said that, I hope you continue to follow with me as I continue to leave my past with josh in the past and move on as I date.

My blog!

This is not a public forum, this is my blog and my journal as it has been for the last four years. If you do not like what I have to say, don't read it! Imagine that! Unlike josh, I am nit posting hate for everyone to read. You actually have to look me up to get to this blog which is supposed to be read by my friends. I will post the emotions I am having as I always have. I find is disgusting that Josh's fling and her family feel the need to read everything I write. I am well aware my marriage was not in good shape even before she spread her legs to him, but that act was disrespectful to me and my entire family. True character would have had her wait until josh was man enough to ask for a divorce. As for the comment that was left and that I deleted. You are right, people do change and she is just as much a child of God as me or anyone else and I am working on forgiveness, but that is awfully hard when I get nasty messages from josh and other aspects of my life that she is involved in. This is how I have always aired my emotions to get them out and let them go and you all are only fueling my anger by attacking me as if she were the victim in this. If she really wanted to be my friend she could have talked to me long ago rather than lying to me about her relationship with josh and promising to back off and give us the space we needed.  I am very aware of what josh initiated, but she needs to take responsibility to.  Just as I have.  I made mistakes in my marriage and I am not a perfect person, so let me try and be the best person I can without your constant interfearance.  I am allowed to be hurt and th things I have said are how I see the truth on my end, which may or may not be fair, but give me the opportunity to say my piece. I could have said a lot meaner things, bullying would be calling her a whore or worse, but how is me saying she used to use drugs in high school and sleeping with a married man abuse when it is fact? Bullying is harassing me when all I want is to move on and I do that by letting go of all this anger and hurt you all keep perpetuating! Don't like what I have to say? Then stop reading my blog!!

Blocked

wow guys.  Just wow.  Well it has finally gotten to the point that I had to block Josh on Facebook.  This blow up started because of the blog post "Ex In-laws" that I posted a couple of days ago.  However. rather than talking to me or asking me nicely, I got a lovely text with about 20 (no exaggeration) F words in it.  So, I would like to make a retraction.  I should not have shared Josh's mental state in my blog, although I would like to clarify it was based on his behavior with me rather than any sort of counseling sessions I was privy to.  He was also very upset about what I posted about Tasha, but I will retract none of that.  I still feel she is trash.  You know I am very aware Josh developed a relationship with her, but my issue was she knew he was married and chose to peruse the relationship while he was married and was comfortable with him sleeping with her and then coming home and sleeping with me.  I am sorry, but that is not a person I like or respect.  There was deceit and from what I know of her drug using past, I have a fairly well balanced view and opinion that I do not like her, or trust her to be near my children. 
Anyway, rather than talking to me, Josh flipped and went on a posting tirade on a posting tirade on Facebook once again slandering and defaming me, as you know, all his unhappiness is still my fault.  oh well.  Basically, he is now blocked and I am sorry any of you might have had to witness his anger.

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is about remembering service members who  gave their life to help protect the freedoms we have. While reflecting on this day there are several thoughts that come to mind that I would like to share.  Unfortunately, in this country, we are aware of our military, but very disconnected.  I admit I was very much this way. Oblivious to the lifestyle, wars, politics and sacrifices our service members encounter daily.   Then I became an Army wife. Suddenly, every sacrifice Josh made, I suddenly was attached to. 
I value, honor and respect the men and women who have given their lives for this country and to me the word heroic doesn't say enough as they made our freedoms their duty.  However, it is who they leave behind who suffers daily.  Believe me these fallen soldiers deserve all of our respect, but so do their families.  There was a sister in my ward who's husband deployed with Josh back in 2010.  This sister was sweet and caring and often reached out to me. asking about my pregnancy while I struggled with bed rest.  She had four children, the youngest no older than three.  Sadly, her husband was one of those brave men who gave his life for our freedoms.  There are thousands of stories like these that are forgotten or never told, so as you pray and thank the service members who gave their life, pray for thanks and strength for the family they left behind.
Now, on a more personal note, I want to share how this day personally affects me. As you are well aware my marriage deteriorated after Josh joined the Army and although there were other factors involved, I still feel as though it was during his deployment that I lost him.  Although Josh's person returned home with new scars and stories, the man I married, did not.  For months, then years we discussed PTSD and counseling but to no avail.  You cannot help those who do not want to be helped.  In the end I lost my spouse, my dreams for the future and all the promises that had been made to me. I lost the Josh I married, and while today is about honoring the dead, the memory of that man remains in my heart as I honor who he was as he truly died in combat as well.

My Fault

My fault, he points, blames.
My fault, words take their aim.
His unhappiness, his choices and displeasure,
all My fault,
Every measure!
I determine the dad he can be?
My fault.
How dare I, attempt to be me.
My fault.
New day, new life.
Starting over; no longer his wife.
My fault, his infidelity
Now he is free,
Yet still not happy.

clarification

I have such dedicated readers! Thank you all for your interest in my story and the time you take to reply.  Due to a comment and to the known new readers I have acquired, I felt I needed to add some clarification about my memoir. 
Ironically, I started my memoir as I originally intended it to be an anniversary gift to Josh as it was to be "our story" however, the more I began writing, the more my voice came out and this little project turned into the dream I now have: to hopefully one day have it published.  The more I have written, the more emotionally connected to it I have become.  As I have passed through many of the difficult trials I have read about, I often put tears and words to paper, finally giving voice to t he emotions I wanted someone, anyone to hear.  Basically, writing this memoir is nothing short of therapy for me.  As I go back to remember detail and put an image to the life I have lived, I relive the emotions I felt and to be honest in who I am and in my voice, I make sure and put down every mean thought, every hurt feeling, all the details as I relive my experiences so that I can put them in the past where they belong.  Seeing as where I am at in my memoir I know people are concerned about me and I value that so much, but the events and emotions I am writing about are now two years past and would like to reassure my readers that I have had my conclusion and I am happy despite the mood and tone of the chapters.  This project is to resolve left over emotions and to hopefully provide a chronicle for my children as to why I married and divorced their father. 
Please remember this as well: this story is only from my point of view, not from Josh's.  And like everything else, there are two sides to every story.  My intention is not to paint anyone badly, but to allow you the opportunity to live my life chapter by chapter until hopefully I can find a fitting conclusion and end this era of my life.  I love you all and still have the goal to try and get caught up (to present time) within the next two months, so you comments keep me encouraged to meet that goal. Hugs to you all!

Chapter Twenty Six: Counseling

A friend informed me that a group of women from church got together with a member who was a psychologist once a month to talk and discuss things in order to reestablish peace and balance in their lives.  Although it wasn’t group therapy, it was set up in a similar fashion.  Feeling as if my life was completely out of my control, I decided to start attending these sessions.  It was a nice opportunity to give me time to myself, away from home, as I worked on myself through introspection and personality tests.  Very soon after meeting and talking with the psychologist I began sharing with her my fears I had about Josh and how I really believed he had PTSD and most likely bipolar as it ran in his family; not withstanding he exhibited a lot of the signs for both.  She agreed to take him on as a client and worked with me so that we could get him seen off post as we had already tried that avenue first and were told we would have to wait close to three months before he could even be seen.

I began to have hope again as I felt deep inside my heart that if Josh could only get the help he needed to open up and stop closing off, we could once again have the open, loving relationship we once had.  I knew Josh was still very against counseling, but he agreed he would attend two sessions before making a decision.  It was so hard, as it was obvious to me that Josh needed some help in being taught how to deal with the emotions he was burying inside.  I became aware of how the Josh I knew from our first years of marriage was getting harder and harder to see and being replaced with a man I did not understand or respect.  It was impossible to try and communicate this to Josh though as he was always on the defensive and always so angry.  If I even brought up counseling he would start on a rant about how I thought there was something wrong with him.  How I did not love him for who he was and how I was trying to change him.  I just didn’t know what to do as anytime I tried to help, I pushed him further away and it was obvious he was unwilling to help himself, so I had a sigh of relief when Josh began seeing the psychologist I had befriended. 

Due to my miscarriage, when I called to schedule my first prenatal doctor’s appointment I was brought in at six weeks rather than ten. A friend willing watched Dorian as josh and I made the very nervous car ride to the doctor’s office.  There was a heavy silence riding in the car with us and with a nod to one another we confirmed we were both thinking about what this appointment had been last time to us, just a short three and half months prior.  Josh drove while my hands fidgeted with one another on my lap.  I wanted Josh to take my hand in his and tell me it would all be okay, but he was distant as always and it had grown to the point where I was nervous to reach out as I felt that every time I did, I was somehow rejected.  I was at least happy to have his presence as I wasn’t sure I had the strength or fortitude to withstand the waiting room on my own.  Our wait wasn’t too long before we were taken back to a room and I was informed to change into the gown provided me.  I put on the floral dressing gown and crinkled the white paper that covered the table as I sat down upon it. I looked at a fidgety Josh and whispered I was nervous.  The sound of my voice brought his eyes to mine and he admitted that he was nervous too.  We waited for the doctor in the cold quiet room with only the sound of the florescent light buzzing above our heads until finally we heard the faint knock on the door as the doctor walked in.  Reading the look on our faces she started her dialect immediately validating the fears and concerns she knew we had as the congratulations at being back.  Without wasting any time she had the ultra sound machine on and searching as she knew all we cared about was hearing the heartbeat we never heard our last visit. I watched her motionless face and smiled relief when she smiled at having located the heart beat.  She beamed congratulations again as she turned up the sounds, giving our ears and hearts the sound and relief they had been waiting for.  Our doctor continued to give us information and still considered me high risk.  She suggested that due to my high risk, the genetic deformation of baby Borland, and the miscarriage that we go and have an ultra sound and genetic testing done at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville.  Appointments were set up and although we had the relief of hearing the heart beat, we knew we still had a ways to go through the pregnancy before we could rest easy.

Josh and I began marriage counseling as well as I wanted to put every ounce of effort into my marriage, but always felt so helpless and hurt as it looked as if Josh was only doing the bare minimum to appease my constant pleas.  I was a little nervous about counseling, but felt comfortable as we began.  We both outlined out issues and it was such a nice change of pace to finally feel like I was being heard and that my emotions were being validated.  The issues of distance, church, trust, and staying in the Army were all brought up.  Once again I had hope, feeling that if we could work on this core, this foundation, then maybe Josh and I could repair our crack and build again as we added this new baby, growing inside my belly, to our family.

The month slowly slipped by, then another.  Nothing really changed or improved, but I felt I was doing everything in my power to fix what was broken and accomplish what needed to be done. My doctor’s appointments were regular and I was a little glad I was high risk as that meant I got an ultra sound at every appointment.  It gave me peace of mind to see my baby at 6 weeks, 10 weeks, and 14 weeks.  My baby was growing healthy and strong inside me.  At the end of May was our Vanderbilt appointment that I looked forward to and feared.  Obviously, as we were already pregnant and the state our marriage was in, Josh and I weren’t exactly talking about adding more in the future, but I was scared to death that there might be a genetic abnormality with the baby I carried or the chance of such hardship in any future pregnancies.  We realized, through my doctor that there was some concern as Josh had a sister pass from Trisomy 13 and I had an uncle who was down syndrome, which meant there were genetic abnormalities in both sides of our families. What if we were somehow destined to repeat the same experience we had with Baby Borland over and over again?

My sister, who lived close, joined Josh and me at the appointment so that she could watch Dorian while Josh and I had blood work drawn and as we met with the genetics counselor.  The genetics counselor also expressed that there was a potential for risk and explained all the risks and abnormalities that could be a possibility.  She then stated that it all depended on the results of this new blood test that could give us a very accurate answer as to if one or both of us carried this extra gene that caused these abnormalities.  Unfortunately, we would have to wait for the results.  Josh and I hated to wait, but felt better knowing we would find out if there would be any issues in the future.  Josh and I then were taken into the room to have the ultra sound done.  Needless to say they were very thorough and I felt as If she rubbed the cold stick of the ultra sound machine over my swollen belly for a full thirty minutes, clicking her machine, taking pictures and making notes.  My back was sore and I waited anxiously for her to just tell me my baby looked the way it should: strong and healthy and I waited very impatiently for her to reveal the gender. 

Finally, after much tension the technician smiled and showed us that we were having a baby girl. I was thrilled, excited, and terrified.  I was so happy to have a girl, but I felt I would be inadequate at raising one as all I knew were boys.  After my struggle at finding the mom inside of me after Josh had left and it was just me and Dorian, I struggled until I found out how to be a mom I was comfortable with and was a little worried I would have to struggle through something similar now that the gender was different.  Awkward flashbacks of my childhood came to mind as I still felt I never learned how to be a girl.  It seemed like a silly idea as I was a woman and a mom, but all growing up I had rather play matchbox cars and action figures with my brother rather than do dance, hair and makeup like my older sister.  I played rough and had all guy friends as I spent my recess out on the soccer field or playing dodge ball with the boys.  In fact, I was always treated like a boy by my friends, up until the devastating time in my life where I began to develop.  Girls talked behind my back about how luckily endowed I was while the boys no longer saw me as the same and I hated myself and my gender for it.

I had spent so much time crying in my room as a child, feeling so out of place and only ever felt I had overcome that when I found the love Josh offered me for being just who I was.  How then, could I teach this perfect little baby girl, how to be a girl? How could I relate to her if she gravitated to all the things I despised growing up?  I certainly felt fear, but more than that, I felt blessed.  Dorian was such a miracle, but to lose a child and then have an opportunity again, made this child just as much as a miracle.  Despite my issues with Josh, I was alive and healthy as were my children and I knew that although things were hard, life could still be good. 

Our drive from Nashville back to Clarksville was pretty quiet.  Josh reassured me he was happy we were having a girl although it didn’t make much difference in his mind what the gender was.  Even though Josh and I sat side by side in the car, I still felt the distance between us.  I rubbed my belly and relished the closeness I had with this new little soul; this miraculous and blessed closeness as I felt everything the little girl inside my felt as she moved and swayed, reassuring me she was still there.

As Josh and I continued our marriage counseling, I became more and more confused.  I would answer questions asked of me and Josh would agree.  The counselor, Josh and I would discuss actions that would need to be altered and yet week after week, word and action never met up.  Although the issue I was hurting over and feeling the most was the relationship he had developed with his old girlfriend, Tasha, we mostly focused on his military service and religion. Eventually the counselor picked up on the lack of action as well and gave me and Josh homework: we were to decide what our non negotiable were; meaning, the things that were essential in a relationship as well as in our lives.  We were to make a list of these things we would not negotiate. 

That week on contemplated on my very thoughtfully as I tried to decided if I could live a life with someone who no longer believed what I did when it came to religion.  The more I thought on things, the more I realized exactly what was lacking and what it was I needed.  I knew I needed physical intimacy at least once a month.  I already felt so rejected by him, that the continual rejections physically too while my belly swelled with childbirth was just more than my self esteem could take.  I needed someone to allow me to raise my children in my religion and respect the views I had without belittling them or making fun of them as it is an integral part of who I am.  I needed someone who treated me as a partner which meant honesty had to be thou foundation.  Simply, my non negotiable were these: trust, intimacy, and religion.

When we met again with the counselor he wanted to start with Josh’s list of non negotiable.  I admit I was disappointed when he listed only two things: he needed to be accepted as a soldier and as someone who didn’t believe in God or religion. This very quickly became pointed and aimed at me saying that I had to just accept and deal with him being military and completely forsaking all our beliefs.  He made remarks about how this was the new him and I just don’t accept who he is and in truth, I never really knew who he was because he was never himself around me.

His words stabbed and tore at my heart.  All these years I had given him every ounce of who I was.  I showed him every flaw, every mistake, every talent believing all along that he was doing the same as we grew our lives together.  Who was this new Josh and what did he do with the man I married?  The warm tears on my cheek pulled me back into the reality that I had to choose.  Could I accept this new Josh?  How could he promise me eternal marriage and eternal devotion to me and our faith and then just pull it all away from me and expect me to except it when I didn’t even understand it?  What he was asking was just too much.  My mind raced as I thought out scenarios and possibilities and answered as plainly as I could.  I could accept Josh being a soldier and doing deployment again if I knew he was holding to our faith and it’s teachings as it encouraged fidelity, good will, hope, trust and all the things I desired in my relationship.  However, if he was willing to give up being a soldier and find a job that kept him at home, we could work on the trust that had been lost and I would not require him to participate in faith related functions as long as it did not affect how I raised the children.  I just didn’t see how I could do both; how our relationship could endure both.  I broke down into heaving sobs as Josh told me that wasn’t good enough.  He wouldn’t negotiate his non negotiables.  The counselor made it clear that he didn’t condone divorce as an option unless there was no hope of working things out.  However, since we couldn’t agree on the very fundamental parts of ourselves, he suggested we consider the possibility of divorce. 

I continued to cry and break apart inside as we drove to my friend’s house to pick up Dorian.  How had all of this happened?  I had always been so in love with Josh; we had always had what I thought was the perfect relationship.  How then were we deciding to divorce?  How could Josh make the accusation I didn’t know who he was when we had now been married for six years?  How could he say he has always been a different person with me and that all this time he had been unhappy? How had I been so naive; so blind?  What was I going to do? I had a 19 month old son and a baby on the way? How had he changed so much that he wanted to leave me and all that we had?

My head thundered thought and questions through my being, while my eyes released all the unspoken words through tears.  I felt sorry for myself.  First the deployment, the birth, the fire, the miscarriage, the cheating and now divorce?  How had my life fallen apart, and so quickly?  That night I asked Josh to sleep on the couch, which he willingly agreed to.  Our rift, our split, our chasm that I had though for so long could be mended, looked like the Grand Canyon as he grabbed his pillow, walking out of the room and downstairs to the couch.  I lie uncomfortably with my body pillow, bloated and struggling with reflux from the pregnancy wondering how I was supposed life.  The person I was supposed to always count on, trust and love just told me he didn’t want me anymore.

Mother's Day as a Single Mom

ok, here it is: Mother's Day has never been anything special or important to me.  Don't get me wrong, I ALWAY count the blessings motherhood gives me on this day, but as for a day off or holiday, it has never been one for me.  When I was married, my spouse never did anything to celebrate the day and it was always just another day I was mom. Well, this year, as a single mom there was no difference.  my three year old and one year old have no idea today was anything other than Sunday and you know what? I am just fine with that.  Bare with me as my thought process is a little muddled at the moment, so hopefully I will be able to clarify things along the way. Basically, it comes down to this.  I agree with my mother and her thinking when I come to the conclusion that Mother's Day is a bit ridiculous.  I think the idea behind mother's day is great and it is important to remember our mothers and what makes us good mother's, but why all the pomp?  why do so many women seek glorification for such a blessed calling?  I think like so man other things in the world, this holiday has become a perverted. commercialized hoo-ha that in the end belittles the thing it proposes to magnify.  Let me see if I can explain:  I have seen so many ads, cards, and even friends explain how indebted we are to our mothers.  Listing out the tasks a mom is faced with and extolling all the hardships endured for our behalf.  Not I think a mom should be thanked and recognized for her sacrifices, however, there is no debt.  That's the definition of motherhood: selflessness.  A mom chooses her jobs and magnifies them out of the love of her heart and I feel the day teaches us that we owe her, and more specifically, we owe her on this one day.  This seems a little ungrateful to me as it takes a national holiday for a mom's role to be remembered by some and I think it devalues the selfless acts of love when the loud, public displays of love are meant to glorify mom as "Mom" it places a woman in role she plays and is supposed to be rather than loving her for who she is.  Have I lost you yet? I know this is getting a little convoluted, but try and follow: it is no different that getting a hundred Happy Birthday wishes on Facebook and only having two or three people actually call and wish you a Happy Birthday.
Maybe I am being a little critical as I only see the public displays, rather than the personal family displays and having never experienced it myself I have a jaded view, but if a mom is everything the holiday promotes, then make mother's day an everyday thing just as everyday the mom seeks to do the very best for her child.
I think when my children are old enough to comprehend more I would like to shape the holiday to my liking by focusing on these things:
*Mother's day will not be about me or what I do for my children, but about mothers as a whole.
*I would like to study our genealogy and explain how my mom, grandma, great grandma, etc were moms in the times they lived as well as their virtues and attributes.
*I would like to study women in the scriptures and what their roles as mother's was and how they prepared and magnified that role.
*I want my children to write a list of what they want in a wife and mother of their kids or what they want to achieve in themselves to prepare for motherhood.
*I want my kids to study and understand what the purpose of mom is both in the secular world and what it means to be co-creators with God in bringing life to this Earth.
I want Mother's Day to a day moms are focused on as a whole, rather than a glorification of one individual.
Hope I was able to clearly convey all my thoughts.  I am open to all comments and feedback as I am curious what your thoughts on the subject are!

Life as a Reminder

I was sitting at my kitchen table watching my kids play on the deck and noticed the green buds springing forth on the trees.  I thought fondly of the warm day we were having, but felt a little tremor of remorse at the forecasted snow for this coming Thursday.  As in most places this year, Colorado is having a longer winter than normal.  My mother has turned my dad's office into a green room so that she can still have her garden without having to worry about all these unexpected drops in temperatures. I started thinking though how blessed we are to have seasons. 
I am the type of person who asks for change, but know and have seen how it is needed in my life. Very simplistically even so much as the changing of seasons is enough to rejuvenate me into something more as I have a new focus. I look forward to Winter as it cleanses the Earth in the white snow.  Air so cold that it nips your lungs, leaving you somehow feeling sharper, purer. I look forward to spring as the rain nurtures the dead ground and the sleeping trees and it is a joy to watch the plants and flowers wake from the ground, giving color to the stark whiteness grown accustomed to over the Winter. Summer for the heat and the ability to run outside at almost any time of day to play without worry or fear of the weather.  Fall is beautiful with all its colors and a reminder that although the end, it is not always the end, knowing all the seasons will roll around again.  After thinking of the cyclical nature of the seasons, I was reminded of Elder Uchtdorfs words at the last general conference: "Endings are not our destiny" He talked how naturally our body fights against ending like death because we do not understand them as our souls are aware our promise (when we live the gospel) are everlasting beginning.  Isn't that beautiful to know there is no end.  We are more than this life.  How easy is it to forget such a blessing! Man made time and we get so caught up in what we can do in our time, with our time, etc, but by keeping an eternal perspective we realize time implies and end and with God, there is no end, much like my favorite hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob" states many times. 
I am currently reading the New Testament and have just read Doctrine and Covenants recently and always there are people asking for sign and prof of power and authority of prophets and the Lord, but can't you see them here everyday?  Look how even how the Lord blessed us with seasons, he reminds us ever three months or so, look, here is a new beginning.
Anytime I have one of these "ah ha" moments I like to apply it to my life. And just like the years, my life has traveled through many seasons and I feel blessed knowing I have an opportunity for all these new seasons and new beginnings.  I know often people equate their trials with the winter season and came to yet another realization or  simple reminder: even in our stormy season and the cold patches in life, we still have the same opportunity to be just as happy in winter as we do in summer.  Yes for some it is easier to be happy in the warm easy summer days, but we have the same opportunity to b happy in every season.  we were never destined to be miserable.  We chose what we get out of each season on our own.  and what a blessing when traversing through those cold Winter months to know in just a short while, a whole new beginning of change and birth awaits us.